Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
Hello all!

I'm looking for help to resolve a particular issue. I have, over the years, been able to voice complaints when I am not happy when my husband does something. I don't find it necessary to do so often, but When I do, the following usually happens.

For example, I told my DH that it bothered me because he did such and such. He responded defensively and in a high pitched voice ( I hope you all can imagine the tone I'm talking about) I told him not to use that tone and he proceeded arguing about his tone. I pointed it out to him and response was a sarcastic remark and walked out of the room.
For the next two hours before bedtime, he gave me the silent treatment and went to bed without saying good night.

Now, I'm still upset for the first thing that bothered me to begin with as well as his reaction. However, he will act like nothing ever happened. I usually withdraw and get over it in time but I know that that isn't healthy for me to do.

So to the point, what should I do?? Should I bring up the original topic again until he agrees to address it? Or not, since I already voiced it?

BTW, the original complaint was an angry outburst directed at the children.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,387
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,387
Likes: 3
What is he doing about his angry outbursts?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
What is he doing about his angry outbursts?

He honestly hardly ever has one. Which is why it surprised all of us and bothered me so much.

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,787
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,787
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Ever2Late
I'm looking for help to resolve a particular issue. I have, over the years, been able to voice complaints when I am not happy when my husband does something. I don't find it necessary to do so often, but When I do, the following usually happens.

For example, I told my DH that it bothered me because he did such and such. He responded defensively and in a high pitched voice ( I hope you all can imagine the tone I'm talking about) I told him not to use that tone and he proceeded arguing about his tone. I pointed it out to him and response was a sarcastic remark and walked out of the room.
For the next two hours before bedtime, he gave me the silent treatment and went to bed without saying good night.

Now, I'm still upset for the first thing that bothered me to begin with as well as his reaction. However, he will act like nothing ever happened. I usually withdraw and get over it in time but I know that that isn't healthy for me to do.

Correct, that is not healthy for you and not good for the relationship.

Originally Posted by Ever2Late
So to the point, what should I do?? Should I bring up the original topic again until he agrees to address it? Or not, since I already voiced it?

BTW, the original complaint was an angry outburst directed at the children.


Complaints are very important. They are the way that we alert our spouses when something is wrong. But they need to be delivered correctly. For example, if someone has an angry outburst, you immediately leave the room. You do not react at all as this would simply escalate the conflict. An angry outburst is a moment of madness, that is not the time for reasoning.

Then when everything is calm again you ask if you can have some undivided attention. Then you calmly and respectfully address your complaint by telling your spouse how you feel. So something like 'when you yell at the children it makes me feel. . .'

If he gets defensive, drop it but come back to it later. Do not leave it alone. Tell him that you feel unsafe with this unresolved. Explain what that means. He needs to never have another angry outburst.

Then give him an adult way of deal with problems. He needs to hear from you that you will be respectful and helpful when he runs into difficulties. When you can, go back to the original issue that started this. Were the children behaving badly? Give him some help with this. Maybe he needed your support when things started to unwind. Or maybe he needs to have some suggestions of sanctions. Children can be impossible at times which is why two parents are so valuable. It could be as simple as a hand off between you when something like this arises.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
Thank you living well. I appreciate the feedback. I voiced the complaint exactly as you said, at a later time and in a calm and respectful way.

I'll readress him losing his temper with the children and see if we can find another way to resolve that.

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,787
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,787
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Ever2Late
Thank you living well. I appreciate the feedback. I voiced the complaint exactly as you said, at a later time and in a calm and respectful way.
Good!

Originally Posted by Ever2Late
I'll readress him losing his temper with the children and see if we can find another way to resolve that.


Not just with the children, he needs to never have another angry outburst, ever. Tell him that this is incredibly important because he will be asked to pack his bags and leave if it ever happens again.

Have the two of you learned how to negotiate? That is the best way to resolve issues.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 4
S
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 4
**EDIT**

Last edited by Denali; 09/11/16 08:03 AM. Reason: TOS non MB advice

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (anchorwatch), 161 guests, and 36 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
raysunshine, BuckeyeGrad, A12345bc, light124, DORA SMITH
71,770 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,564
Posts2,323,016
Members71,771
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5