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#2887064 09/16/16 03:31 PM
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I am needing some advice on what to do as well as, I am seeking to know if I am not understanding things correctly. As per my wife's past post, she has decided to stay married to me because she promised God and I that she would. With this being said I do not know what I should do or how I should do a lot of things for her. She states her biggest issue is that she feels trapped in this marriage because: 1. I desire her to stay 2. she promised me and God. 3. Bible doesn't support divorce unless there has been adultery.

According to her she needs to feel not trapped, she says she needs to be physically separated from me. as in the best we can hope for is living the same city.

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What do you need help doing? Are you asking how to get your wife to fall in love with you, and therefore want to be with you?


BW
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Im trying to figure out how her being physically distant from me will help her. She says that being around me causes her stress and pressure and she feels trapped because of what I desire. She says that I am trying too hard to make pur marriage work, yes I am afraid of her leaving me but last time I was under the ocean she had planned on being gone before I got home. Unfortunately I can't get her to fall in love with me because she has friend zoned me hardcore, and she doesn't want to unless yall have advice on how to get her to love me? And can I help her fall in love long distance? She considers me to be an friend but if I try to hug her she says she has anxiety attacks.

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Originally Posted By: jltab0
Im trying to figure out how her being physically distant from me will help her. She says that being around me causes her stress and pressure and she feels trapped because of what I desire. She says that I am trying too hard to make pur marriage work, yes I am afraid of her leaving me but last time I was under the ocean she had planned on being gone before I got home. Unfortunately I can't get her to fall in love with me because she has friend zoned me hardcore, and she doesn't want to unless yall have advice on how to get her to love me? And can I help her fall in love long distance? She considers me to be an friend but if I try to hug her she says she has anxiety attacks.

What do you mean by "long distance"? Don't you live together all the time?


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We do right this moment but she is preparing to move to Washington state while I am here in Hawaii.

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Originally Posted By: jltab0
We do right this moment but she is preparing to move to Washington state while I am here in Hawaii.

This is a bit like pulling teeth.

Why is she planning to do that? Is it a permanent separation? And why Washington State - is that your home state? I see from other posts that you are in the navy in Hawaii. If she has been there with you until now, what is her reason for leaving? Is she calling time on the marriage?

Whatever her reason for leaving, you can't have a marriage while you live in separate states. Your wife seems to feel that not divorcing is the same as being married, but it isn't.


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She says that she doesn't feel right under the same roof as me, she says the dynamic between me and her just doesn't work and she needs to feel not trapped by putting physical distance between us so she can feel free and that might help her love me by her not feeling trapped. She says it will be indefinite separation. Spokane is where her friends are and where she grew up, she has no family and her parents are dead, she has mental illness of PTSD depression and anxiety her therapist claims to be christian but she keeps saying she is happier when im on deployment, she has a real hate for Hawaii because she feels trapped on a rock here, and says she needs the freedom to drive for hours in her car. She has to leave now because of her hate for Hawaii and feeling trapped under the same roof as me. She says she will not divorce bme but she says signing any paperwork saying she will not sign for divorce is too controlling and she says its unhealthy for her to trap herself like that.

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Originally Posted By: jltab0
She says that she doesn't feel right under the same roof as me, she says the dynamic between me and her just doesn't work and she needs to feel not trapped by putting physical distance between us so she can feel free and that might help her love me by her not feeling trapped. She says it will be indefinite separation. Spokane is where her friends are and where she grew up, she has no family and her parents are dead, she has mental illness of PTSD depression and anxiety her therapist claims to be christian but she keeps saying she is happier when im on deployment, she has a real hate for Hawaii because she feels trapped on a rock here, and says she needs the freedom to drive for hours in her car. She has to leave now because of her hate for Hawaii and feeling trapped under the same roof as me. She says she will not divorce bme but she says signing any paperwork saying she will not sign for divorce is too controlling and she says its unhealthy for her to trap herself like that.

Separating to fall in love won't work. Instead, it will be the end of your marriage.

Your wife is telling you your marriage is over. You would stand a chance of rebuilding it if you could learn the Marriage Builders programme and live together, but you don't have a hope if you live apart.

Your wife had a relationship with another man, She swears that this has been over for a few months. However, her behaviour looks a lot like someone who wants to separate to carry on an affair.


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jltab0 Offline OP
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Can you do the program long distance or by yourself?

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Originally Posted By: jltab0
Can you do the program long distance or by yourself?

No and no.


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You can't work on your marriage if you are not living together. Can you fix your car while it's in another state thousands of miles away?

If you could get advice directly from Dr Harley, we can help you implement it. I think he will tell you the same as I've been doing - that once your wife leaves, you have no marriage. You can't work on the marriage and you can't improve or rebuild it once she leaves. I think you should write to him (care of the radio show) and ask whether there is anything you can do to rebuild your marriage.

What would your wife do if you could get out of the service today, and go to Washington with her? (Don't tell me that you can't get out; that is not what I asked.)


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Quote:
Your wife had a relationship with another man, She swears that this has been over for a few months. However, her behaviour looks a lot like someone who wants to separate to carry on an affair.

You need to pay close attention to this.


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted By: Prisca
Quote:
Your wife had a relationship with another man, She swears that this has been over for a few months. However, her behaviour looks a lot like someone who wants to separate to carry on an affair.

You need to pay close attention to this.

What spyware do you have installed?

Have you confirmed the affair is over?

Where is the OM?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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jltab0 Offline OP
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Looks like I am powerless! In mist states she is entitled to my retirement, Hawaii rate of life style payment and Hawaii rate child support payments.

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jltab0 Offline OP
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I did write him he didn't answer

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I would rather not continue to exist than go through another divorce, the pain is too great.

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Originally Posted By: jltab0
I did write him he didn't answer

Who did you write to?

Can you please answer my questions?

Contact your doctor for some antidepressants.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: jltab0
I would rather not continue to exist than go through another divorce, the pain is too great.


I am sorry you are in this place. Please go talk to your Dr & get on some depression meds- you need them.

I spoke to your wife & she speaks very wayward - another words she is gas-lighting you about all this space & being trapped and God business. You would have to snoop to find out though to at least know the truth. Can you focus on doing that?

If in the end, worse comes- I have been divorced twice and although it sucks- your Daughter needs you. Think of her. Others have walked this painful road & you can if you have too. But get help if you need to (meds)

Personally, If I found out my spouse was "really" about to leave the state with my child- I would go file Divorce now so they couldn't take off with my daughter. She would be ordered to stay there.

If Dr Harley didn't respond, hit the moderators button & tell them. Sometimes emails get lost in the shuffle.


BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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She keeps saying that our relationship never felt like a marriage. She says instead of marrying me she promised prostitution in exchange for money, safety, security, food, and shelter. We did have sex prior to us being lawfully wed. She says that her marrying me was a sin because she deceived me, she doesn't see how it could ever be made right. She says how can God bless a marriage based on her sin. She also believes our daughter was born out of sin to remind her of her sin. She says she just isn't wife material and wants to be completely free to be who and what she wants to be without any strings attached. She however desires to keep the free healthcare, the income that I make, and reassurance her needs will be met. Also she says the military doesn't matter, its just she hates Hawaii with all her heart because its a trap, she says it wouldn't matter if I got out of the military, she still wouldn't want to love me.

Its horrible to think the happiest thing to ever happen to me (marriage to my wife) is the worst she says happened to her.

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You need to snoop. Your wife sounds like she is having an affair.

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