If she would just return to the mindset she was in on the days right after D-day. She actually came up with the idea for transparency and quitting her job by herself, and was reading things on how to help your spouse recover from your affair. And she was in obvious withdrawal. But they still worked together at that time so after a week or so that ended.

So I like to think that she has the ability within her to do the right thing, it's just getting her to do it. We were seperated for a week or two before D-day, so maybe the seperation of Plan B will get her in that mindset again.

I hope.

You need to be prepared for the possibility that she won't change her mindset.

I think I'm getting there Prisca, at least closer than I have been yet.

Everything is up and down. We will have a good day and then the next will be distant again. Then the next day she will talk about plans for our future together. Our anniversary day was better than expected, but still nothing like a loving celebration (from her side at least).

It seemed like she had been avoiding putting any pictures on Facebook that showed us together, but a couple days ago she changed her profile picture to a family picture. And she actually told me "happy anniversary" in a public post on Facebook.

I guess one day next week will be my last day. Whichever day I get a chance to do the best plan A, I will leave the next day.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since I no longer am focused on getting transparency and the checklist and all that. I wondered if I could get some opinions:

Wether the affair has ended or went further underground or she just can't let go, is it fairly typical to still have absolutely no affection after 2 months of her "ending" the affair? Is that a sign that there is no hope for us and I should just give up completely and let go?

I remember hearing Dr Harley say to others to expect to be priming the pump for six months up to two years.

It doesn't matter if she claims the affair is over. The OM lives so close to you that it is impossible for her to get over him. She will remain triggered as long as the two of you live in that town. There really is no hope for your marriage unless you can move.

Not sure what to do now. I met with lawyer yesterday and was doing some last minute things before leaving Monday or Tuesday.
WW's mood has been swinging a lot the past few days. She acts like she is happy being together and then a few hours later will be distant and grouchy with me.

Then earlier today she was sick with a cold and laying in bed, so I was trying to comfort her and then she said "I'm still not happy." I said, "well you still haven't ended the affair and it's never going to get better as long as you keep hanging on and refuse to do the checklist."
Then she said, "what if I cant?". I told her she would never be able to as long as we lived a few minutes away from OM. And she said we can't move and will always live here. She also said it's not fair to me because I have been doing everything right and she is tired of pretending and only did so this past month or two because of the kids.

She was crying and then the kids ran in the room so we quit talking. But I walked back a few minutes later and told her that everyone who has recovered their marriage after an affair had to go through this, and if she can make it through, we can fix it and she can be happier than she has ever been before."

Then I went outside with the kids and she came and said she is going to town with her mom and sister and that we can take the kids to a Halloween party this evening.

Hi Dollarbob,

I have been reading your posts from sometime now, and I agree with the other comments here, if you don't move away she we will stay in that limbo. Sorry, but it is very clear that she is very addicted to the OM. My situation was very similar, one night she will cry and the other she will run back to OM. The only solution was to move far, far away.

My opinion..I don't think the affair has ended and she just went further underground, and that's why she just can't let it go.

That's what I think too sealife. I have zero transparency, so there is no way she will not give in to temptation out of the goodness of her heart when she knows she won't be caught.

She's not going to move unless something drastic happens, I think. I'm ready to move out, but I dread what it's going to do to the kids. Everything is just going along normal for them and then all of a sudden when we leave, their lives are forever changed.

Kids are very perceptive Bob. I would hazard to guess they are well aware that Mommy and Daddy aren't getting a long the greatest. They don't see two people in love. Don't kid yourself thinking keeping them with their parents who are in a broken marriage is the best thing for them. The best thing for them is to see their father not accepting anything less than a loving marriage. Anything short of that they're just being taught it's OK to capitulate, to settle for less and to tolerate a painful life.

"Mommy has a boyfriend and that's not acceptable for someone who is married.".

It's time you moved Bob, with or without her. Sounds like she isn't willing to move.

After she said all that Saturday about not being happy, she was also sick that night and throwing up. So I had to take care of her. Sunday morning she woke up and it was like she was recommited to the marriage or something. She actually cooked breakfast and fixed my plate and was nice and in a good mood all day and once again making plans for our future together.

I emailed Dr. Harley with an update and he said to get the plan B ready and as soon as I find new contact with OM to leave then. There is no telling how long that could take for me to find evidence though. I think I could probably start telling her it's time to get serious and be transparent and move away. Then if she refuses, I can leave the next day.

It seems like maybe the way I responded to her doubts on Saturday by remaining calm and letting her know I want to save the marriage but that I will be ok if it's not saved, may have scared her a little and maybe she realized the consequences.

It would be disrespectful to tell her "it's time to get serious," wouldn't it?

It'll be in a couple of days, right? I think you should follow Dr. Harley's recommendation.

Is your Plan B ready? For sure don't do something foolish like issue an ultimatum to her and not have a Plan B ready. Of course, you shouldn't issue an ultimatum to her at all, but definitely don't spend another day without getting your plan B ready. Is it ready?

Dr. Harley told you to pick a date, and then go to Plan B after that date if nothing has changed.

Your date keeps moving. You need to pick a date, and stick with it. Stop letting her dangle hope in your face and distract you -- just because she smiled at you today doesn't mean she has committed to your marriage. If she were wanting to commit to your marriage, she would follow the checklist.

Get your date set, get your plans made. Your emotions are going to be all over the map so stop changing your mind all the time based on your daily emotions.

Right now you think she's "showing hope for the marriage," and in less than two days you are going to back in the depths of despair because you'll see she is still contact with OM. GUARANTEED.

Get your date set and your plan B preparations made. Quit blogging your day to day emotions and quit letting them weaken your resolve to carry through with your plan. MAKE YOUR PLAN. What are you going to do?

The plan B is ready. I can be gone any day this week. I am shooting for wednesday. I was hoping to discover some contact so I can leave at that. It just feels like leaving without prof of contact leaves it open for her to lie and tell everyone we tried and she did everything right and I just gave up. Then she is the victim all of a sudden and I am the bad guy.

And I am 99% certain that the affair will fall apart soon after they try to have a normal relationship. But she is too embarrassed to date OM openly at first. She wants to keep it hidden for a while. So he won't be living in my house or helping raise my kids for quite some time. So the fantasy will continue long after I am gone I think. And her mother will move into our house and do all the chores I was doing.

I've been mentally preparing myself for the scenario of WW and OM getting together and having a perfect life while I am living back at home with my parents like a loser. I am pretty much accepting of it right now.

On a side note, WW took me and the kids to take family pictures for our Christmas cards today. The whole time I wanted to tell her to save her money, but I kept quiet.

Don't think of "what if", stick with the present. If a certain scenario happens, then you act on it. Thinking of her living her life with OM in the future will affect the way you think of her and treat her now.

I think you're worrying unnecessarily. Whether you tried or not is beside the point. People who know she had an affair are not going to blame you.