My WW and I have been separated for 2 months now. I have read about Plan A, but I am not sure if it applies to me. I have a marriage coach and she does not advocate me talking to my wife about serious subjects like affairs just yet.

Our 10 year marriage was having issues due to both my and my wife's communication problems and as well as my depression. We never fought which is problem in of itself. For the past 11 months, I have been on a path of self discovery and learning how relationships work and don't work. I have changed my ways. I am the man I once was - and actually even better since I've learned so much and I still wish to learn and change more. If she were to come back to me, then we would not have the same issues we had before.

Unfortunately 2 months into our marriage counseling, she began having an emotional affair with a coworker. It started out as her venting to her mister about me and our marriage, which in hindsight she should have been venting about me to me and our marriage counselor. Eventually the EA turned physical, which is when I found out about it. She vowed to break it off. I believe she did.

But then we separated and then a month ago I got the feeling she had restarted the affair.

During this whole process, I made all the common mistakes: I tried to use logic and talk her out of the separation/divorce. I pleaded with her. Eventually I did my research and found out these things were making me appear unattractive.

I have since obtained the service of a marriage coach and as I mentioned before, she does not advocate a Plan A approach. We're already separated. My wife wants a divorce. So if I ask her not to see the other man (which I'm not sure she is or isn't), and I tell her if she doesn't, then I will divorce her, then that's going to make her happy because she wants a divorce. I feel like I am past the point of utilizing the Plan A approach. Plan A seems to be for those with wayward spouses who are not sure they want to divorce or be separated.

Instead my marriage coach advocates not talking about serious subjects, try to make a positive interactions whenever seeing my wife, wait until the affair is over, and in the meantime work on me and the kids.

Sometimes I stumble, but more or less, I have been doing pretty okay. Recently, we hung out together for Halloween and I planned a mini party for the kids and a few of their friends. The kids had fun, I had fun. My wife and I laughed and played together. It was a good evening. The next day, she thanked me for making Halloween fun.

So I get little victories like that, but I also get little defeats when I feel she is feeling guarded. My marriage coach says this will take a long time. I just need patience. So I feel like this may work, but I also get advised on another forum that I should take the Plan A/B route, but I'm not sure it applies to my particular case. It may not be tailored fit for my case.

Since this is the forum of the man who advocates Plan A/B, I thought I would ask if sometimes Plan A/B is not always the right method.

Hello hopeful, welcome to marriage builders. It doesn't sound like your marriage coach has experience or expertise in saving marriages as evidenced by the bad advice. The advice we give here comes from clinical psychologist, Dr Bill Harley. We have saved our marriages using his concepts. If you would like help saving your marriage, we can help you. But we won't advocate the kind of marriage wrecking advice you are getting from an unqualified counselor.

What has happened to your marriage is your wife has been having an affair much longer than you suspect. In order to pursue her affair and keep you off balance, she manufactured grievances to justify a separation to get you out. She wanted you to move out so she could pursue her affair in peace. By moving out, you make it 1000% times harder to save your marriage.

So, we can help you. But there is nothing we can do if you want to follow the bad advice of your "counselor."

P.s. Please change your screen name to something more unique as there are hundreds of similar names and we will never be able to distinguish you from the others.

I am at work now and can't spend much time here until tonight but if you are here to get guidance in the MB concepts, I will help you with a plan. If your goal is to follow the MCs "advice," I will move on. Thanks

Just so you know the marriage coach is also a psychologist with many years experience in saving marriages too. She is giving advice that is tailored made for me; whereas, the PlanA/B advice may not be tailored made for me. However, I am open to learn and listen to alternative approaches.

Is this a Divorce Busters coach? this sounds like their advice.

The problem with your strategy is that you are shopping around for the advice that provides what you want to hear. You are then mixing and matching the bits that suit you, and leaving out the rest.

The coach is telling you not to expose, and to wait for the affair to die. She is telling you not to talk directly about the affair to your wife - so you cannot demand that she end it. You cannot even tell her that you know it is back on again. The coach is also telling you not to expose to your children or her employers.

The other forum told you to expose this workplace affair to your wife's boss, but you don't want to do that. Some people on the other forum have told you to expose to your children, but you don't like that advice as it goes against what your coach has told you, so you have not done that either. The other forum is also NOT giving you Plan A advice; they are telling you to drop your wife and turn your back on the marriage, while she is having the affair. They re telling you that you cannot "nice" her back. You are not convinced that turning away from your wife will bring her back to you, so you have come here, thinking that we will have the magic bullet that brings her back to you.

Here, we will tell you to expose the affair in writing to the managers at their company, and to tell your children. Will you do that, if you wouldn't do it before?

We will tell you to confront OM and tell your wife you know she is seeing him again, but also tell her that if and when she finishes the affair, the two of you can have a marriage better than it was before - and we will show you how to achieve that. She'll need to get away from that job, for a start, and you'll probably need to move house. We will tell you to expose, also, to friends and family of both you and your wife, and to the other man's family. Will you do all that?

There is no point whatsoever coming here to try and draw out a debate on whether Dr Harley's methods are right for you. This is Dr Harley's site, and all the regular posters endorse his advice wholeheartedly, because we've used it, and we know it works.

You need to pick an approach and follow it through.

Thanks for the response!

Right now I am sticking with the advice with the marriage coach, but I am still researching my options to see what I need to do if I go too long without any results. I'm still in the lost and confused phase and am still researching all that I can.

Someone in the other forum did mention using Plan A, so that is what I am here to see if Plan A is for me. It sounds like you don't recommend Plan A, but to go straight to Plan B.

1st off, I don't know for certain the affair has started back up. I highly suspect it is, but I don't know for certain, so before I do anything, I imagine I would need to get proof: check text messages or hiring a PI.

I'm not sure I would expose the affair to my kids. They are 8 and 5 and seem too young to be exposed to that.

You mentioned confronting the OM. What exactly is entailed with that? What is the point of confronting the OM?

What exactly do I say to friends and OM's family about the affair?

I didn't imply any such thing. You have completely misunderstood.

You need to take the initiative and read Dr Harley's work for your self. Start with the free materials available on this website. Read What Are Plan A and Plan B? and then read every article on affairs, in the Articles section.

At the same time, order the book Surviving an Affair. You can buy it from the bookshop here, and from Amazon, where you can get the e-book.

Surviving an Affair is your guide to killing the affair and rebuilding your marriage.

How would I write to friends and family about the affair?

Something like the following?


"As you may know, my wife and I are separated. We were having some issues. We were working on those issues until she started an affair with [NAME], a colleague at work. Any chance of us reconciling were dashed when that happened because now she is in an endorphin-high fog which comes along with a new relationship. Everything seems great in the new relationship and things can be rewritten as all or mostly bad in the marriage. I have learned a lot throughout this experience and now know what it takes to be a great husband. I want nothing more to make her and our family happy for the rest of our lives together. Family and friends are often called upon during an intervention of a loved one who is hurting themselves and others with their drug habit. An affair is very like a drug-like experience. So I am calling on you to help confront her. Please use your influence to recommend she stop seeing [NAME] and start working on the marriage again. I don't wish to enable her bad behavior any longer. I love my wife and I believe our marriage and our family would be stronger than ever if we worked through this. "

Read this Exposure 101

Also this, Exposing to Children

WE give advice that is tailored for marriages in crisis based on Dr Harley's concepts as outlined in Surviving an Affair. I am open to helping you if you are serious about following THIS program. We are not here to help you with other programs from unqualified marriage counselors. If you want help with this program, we will help. But if you are shopping programs, as it sounds, there is no reason to post here.

Plan A is for the betrayed spouses who want to save their marriage. Dr Harley does not advocate separation because it only greatly increases the chances of divorce. IT is a strategic mistake. Essentially, you stepped aside so the OM could take your place. A big mistake. Separation does not help, it harms, unless there is abuse.

We would advise that you move home and go into Plan A.


Another strategic mistake. Being complacent about your wife's affair and the separation gives the impression you don't care. All it does is further estrange her while the affair becomes more entrenched.


That is good, but without addressing the real problem, her affair, your marriage goes no further.


Plan A is the right method if you are interested in saving your marriage. The things you are doing will not achieve that. It is pretty apparent your MC does not have a plan. Enabling is not a plan.

"We would advise that you move home and go into Plan A. "


She moved out and unfortunately I let her. I couldn't force her to stay but I could have made it harder on her. She asked me to go away with the kids when she was moving out and I did that. I should have stayed. If she said that I was traumatizing the kids by letting them see her move out, then I should have said that no, she was traumatizing them for moving out.

I didn't know what to do.

But the past is the past. Can I still do Plan A if she is no longer in the house?

Yes, call her and ask her on a date.

But you need to stick to a plan. If you arent planning to follow the plan laid out by Dr. Harley, you are wasting your time and brain space.

Yes! But Plan A means exposure of her affair. My fear is that this has gone on so long that it will be hard to turn around. The longer you wait to do anything, the more entrenched the affair becomes. You have a small chance, but it will involve taking a more serious approach to your marriage. That means exposing the affair and doing everything you can to run off the OM.

I will also add that opinion shopping will not help you in any way.

Hopeful,
Dr. Harley has saved thousands of marriages, and this site has a lot of great resources about infidelity that you should read. Once you read them, you will shake your head and understand that your situation is very common and Dr. Harley has a non-nonsense and common sense approach to properly dealing with infidelity. Though you have invested in a marriage coach, there is a reason you are here: You are looking for better answers. You landed in the right place.

Please consider taking the following steps:

1) Read all of the links on the side bar of the Marriage Builders homepage that fall under the category "infidelity."
2) Buy a copy of Surviving an Affair and read it immediately.
3) Ask the moderators to move this thread to "Surviving and Affair."
4) Listen to the advice you are getting from the people who respond to your posts. They have helped so many make it through horrendous marriage trials.
5) Dump the marriage coach.
6) Optional: Write in to Dr. Harley's Marriage Builders Radio program and he may answer your questions giving you some direct feedback and instructions on how to approach your situation. Here is how it you can do that: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

Best of luck!

Have you told your children yet?

I have not told the children that mommy got herself a boyfriend. We have only told them that we both did things that were not becoming of a husband and wife.