Hi first I will introduce myself. My namebis Rebecca and I am in a very dark place. Here is a short version of my story.

I married the man of my dreams when I was 17 and I don't say that lightly. I had a crush on him since I was 12. We had a really good marriage. Even with me having to work out some things coming from an abusive home. He helped me so much. Then he started pursuing his career as a paramedic. We were great through EMT school and his next year of work. Then he started paramedic schooling. Something happened. He talked about how other women looked constantly and was always so busy and hardly ever home working extra and all the schooling. I allowed a terrible thing to happen and allowed some one to flatter me until he got what he wanted. As soon as this happened I was ashamed. I handled it the best way possible. I cried. I apologized. I begged forgiveness. And I have been an open book since. This was 7 years ago. Two weeks after I did he did. He said it was payback. It hurt but I accepted it and forgave him.

For years he has text many other women and I never questioned him. Until three years ago he started acting suspicious and I checked the phone bill. I found he was talking and texting a woman for hrs at the time and at all hours of the night. He said nothing wrong ever happened between them but it still hurt me because he said he would not quit texting her for my feelings. I swept it under the rug and forgave him but my trust in him failed. So long story short for the last three years I have tried very hard or thought I had in our marriage. I love him so much. I had even asked him to go to a marriage counselor. He laughed At me

Two weeks ago I walked in on him not with a physical person but with videos on his phone. Claims it was online porn and not someone he text but he refused to show me his phone. But it still hurt me very badly. It was the straw on the camel's back. I called our pastor who consequently is my father in law as well. I didn't know what else to do. My only choice was that or to walk out. And I love him to much to leave. Now he has said he hasn't been happy for years that I have nagged and been ungrateful and can't appreciate anything. I told him I am willing to do anything to change. I have been reading self help books and marriage books and really really trying but without going into all the details it is very obvious he is not trying. When I ask him he says well I'm still here aren't I?

Alot more could be said but I have already taken up to much time and i apologize. I need any advice. I really want my marriage to work. I love him dearly.

Hello Beck, welcome to Marriage Builders. The problem is your marriage is that your husband is having an affair. In order to throw you off balance, he accused you of being in the wrong. He has affairs because he has opposite sex friendships. This is how affairs begin.

We can help you turn this around, but i get the sense that you are easily manipulated by your husband. Would you agree this is the case?


In order for your marriage to improve, your husband will have to make radical changes in his lifestyle.

Hi Rebecca,
I will say welcome, but sorry to see what has brought you here.

The weekends are normally much slower as others are spending time on dates or with their families.

The first thing I would do is do to the Q&A Columns and read everything you can on infidelity. You can also get the most updated version of "Surviving an Affair" from amazon instant download. Read it as fast as you can!

That is where I would begin.

I would stop beating yourself up about all of this. Your husband is acting very very cruel and abusive towards you and many women finding out what you already have followed by the kind of treatment he is giving you have literally had nervous break downs.

I am sorry you are going through this, but you have landed in a great place where Dr. Harley has helped save thousands and thousands of couples.

Wow. I guess I have never looked at it this way but I guess you could say that. But one thing is I did mess up first. Which is why I have tried to be an open book sense? But yes I am. I am also a Christian And love God with all my heart. I know God has forgiven me but not sure my husband had. Although he says he has. I also grew up in an abusive home/dysfunctional home so I don't 100% know how to deal with these things. Although I am in contact with my pastor daily.

Thanks. I will do both of those things.

Beck, the first thing you should do is find out what he is doing. You can't really make any informed decisions until you have the facts. I would not ask him, but quietly put spyware on his phone and then report back on what you find. We will help you with next steps.

I would also stop bringing up your affair 7 years ago. Leave the past in the past. You have enough problems with the present.

Thank you. Very much for reminding of that. I cannot get on his phone in anyway. He has it locked with a code and I cannot view the phone bill because I am not the main user and he has a passcode kn it as well that I dont know. The few times I have asked to look at his phone he gets angry because I am "accusing" him. Which has led to huge arguments

He doesn't want you to see the phone because he is hiding something. Can you get it while he is sleeping? Is it an iphone?

What other ways could you spy on him? Can you afford to hire a PI?

I will be honest even if he is having an affair. I want to work it out. No way to get in his phone even wgile sleeping. It's locked. Cannot do the PI. But really I guess I am asking how can i make him fall in love with me again.

You can't while he is having an affair.

Can you borrow the money from family to hire a PI? You can't make an informed plan without all the information.

Being honest is not wise when your spouse is likely doing something harmful behind your back. Radical honesty is not advised when there is abuse and infidelity.

We want to help you save your marriage and the first step is to spy on him and find out what he is hiding. We can't do anything for you until you find that out.


Find out what he is hiding. You have to pull that weed out FIRST before marital recovery can ever take place. If he is hiding an affair, which I believe he is, then nothing will cause him to fall in love with you. If you want him to fall in love, find out what he is hiding and we can help you put a stop to his destructive behavior.

.Maybe I am sticking my head in the sand. Maybe I'm being a fool. But I do feel like hiring a PI. Etc is not the answer. What if he is. What if he isnt. Question. What if he finds out I did this and he is completely innocent. It would drive a wedge further between us. I'm not sure if any of you have heard of the Love Dare. I am in the process of doing this. And I am trying to find advice along those lines. Don't get me wrong. I understand and appreciate the ones telling me to find out if he is for sure having an affair and one day may even be tomorrow I decided that needs to be done. But I am not looking towards that right now...

With all due respect, your own ideas about how to save your marriage have run your marriage into a ditch. The posters who are here posting are doing so because we too have tried the 'love dare' and counselors and other things, and none of those things helped our marriages until we came here. Dr Harley's principles turned our marriages around and we are here to help others who want to have them do the same.

However, if you have no interest in following his program or advice, and are instead willing to be married at all cost or are just shopping around for advice that is in line with your emotions, then we can't help you. Are you interested in the Marriage Builders program?

If your H is having an affair (or affairs), there is nothing you can do to solve your marital problems until he ends all affairs and commits to the marriage. Men are wired differently than women, they enjoy having their needs met from multiple people. So he will continue to have you 'love daring' him and meeting all of his needs, while ALSO getting needs met from others, which he is already doing. He would have no reason to change that behavior.

Meanwhile, you would deteriorate physically and mentally each day you endure sharing him.

You have no idea how to save your marriage because you don't even know the truth about what is going on, and it sounds like you are not interested in getting it.

I would just point out that your marriage is in this terrible place because you don't know the answers. You are here now because there is a wedge between you, likely brought on by an affair that you have enabled via your complacence. Nothing will change unless you find out the facts and bring them out into the open. The "Love Dare" won't help you achieve that. If there is an affair, it will only become more entrenched as time goes on and harder to save your marriage.

If you decide you want help saving your marriage using these principles, let us know and we can help. Otherwise there is nothing we can do for you.

Ugs, when you posted about infidelity in MarriageBuilders 101, I had a bad feeling.

Typically folks who do this are looking to follow the 'cozy" parts of the program (meeting ENs and avoiding lovebusters) in order to fix the marriage and ignore the "uncomfortable" parts of the program, i.e., busting up an affair.

Denial will not help you in this situation. Sweeping your H's affair under the rug will only make a fixable issue very much worse.

Meeting ENs does not get a WS to fall back in love with you. All you are doing is enabling his behavior and entrenching his wayward mindset, all the while he falls more in love with the OW. Not to mention, a BW's mental state and health will deteriorate while dealing with a WH - the contact that they have with each other will just withdraw MORE love units.

Dr Harley knows your plan (meeting needs while ignoring the affair) won't work based on his decades of experience and we know this from all the stories we have seen on these forums over the years.

Again: You have NO idea what you are doing and making a BAD problem much WORSE.