I would hire a PI. Be strategic and have him tail her when she is most likely to be seeing the OM. They are usually very skilled at getting good intel in a short time.

And she is saying bad things about you. That is classic wayward behavior. You should expect that and not be "afraid."

Did you see my suggestion to reach out to Dr Harley?

Do they still work together?
She is still at the job where she had the affair and it hasn't been exposed. And you wonder if maybe the affair is still active.

unwritten: I tried to woo her and that was actually driving her away. I was giving her flowers, giving her cups of flavored coffee, etc. I would casually touch her shoulder to keep physical contact with her. I would call her for few minutes during the day to tell her something. All of this was driving her away.

I've dialed it down a lot. I try to talk to her whenever possible but if I sense that her wall is up, then I focus on the kids. I've called her at night sometimes about the kids and we've had some pretty good conversations that occasionally strayed away from the kids. Sometimes I stay a bit longer at her place when dropping off the kids. So I am competing, it's just way dialed down from what I was doing before.

One EN that I need to fulfill that hadn't fulfilled when we were together is to show her that I hear her - that she has a voice. I need to find a way to get her to vent to me, I need for her to make a decision together and compliment/get on board with that decision, or show her another way that I can fulfill this emotional need.

But as far as driving this "dirtbag" away - the thing is I don't know for sure if she is still seeing him. How do I verify this?

Yes, I did see your note about sending an email to the radio program.

Yes, she is still working at the same job with the OM but it is possible that they decided that they are at different points in their lives. He wants kids and she doesn't and/or thinks she is too old to have kids anymore.

Not sure how you came to that conclusion about the affair since you don't know the facts. The fact that they work together means the affair is still active. The belief that they can work together and recover from the affair is like believing an alcoholic can go to the bar and drink every day but sober up by calling his drinks "business drinks."

The kid conflict would never interfere with an affair. Affairs are typically not rational. Its not like these are rational people who are interviewing for marriage partners. They are fogged out waywards who are high on an affair. It is the same dynamic as alcohol or drug addiction.

Another suggestion would be to read the book Surviving an Affair so you can learn about the dynamics of an affair. Do you have this book? Dr Harley will give you a free book if your email is read on his radio show.

You say you're a logical person but then you are posting here and I don't see that you understand MB concepts at all. I consider myself a logical person and I read all of the articles on this site before posting on the forum. My questions had to do with implementing the MB program.

Affairs do NOT work that way. Dr Harley views affairs as an addiction and requires exposure and NC in order to recover.

That's great! I'm sure the OM would be super happy to hear that while he is bringing his A game, you are bringing your C game.

Of course she doesn't WANT you to fill her EN's or do nice things for her. It is much easier to have an affair and divorce when your spouse is being an uncaring jerk, than it is when he is being a great guy. Her wall is up because she is having an affair, as has been stated here many times.

You need to pull up your big girl pants and snoop.

You keep mentioning co-parenting. I think you need to read up on parallel parenting.
Parrallel Parenting

My wife of 10 years has been having an affair for about a year now. It only got physical about 6 months ago. I've been reluctant to reveal the affair because I wasn't sure she was still having the affair after I found out about it. Because we are now separated (5 months), it was difficult to know for sure if the affair was still going on. We have 2 small kids (ages 8 and 5) and I would like to fix my marriage not only because I love my wife but because I want my kids to live under a roof with two loving parents who love each other.

I would like to reveal the affair. I will contact my father and sister in law (who already know about the affair but I never asked them for help). Because this is a workplace affair and the other man is the son of the owner, I will call my wife's boss and tell him and ask for his help. There are other friends and family that I can contact. Do I call or email them? I can email some of her coworkers but they probably will be supportive of my wife and not me and my cause.

Should I create a facebook post for everyone else to see?

I am reluctant to tell many people because we aren't very close to many people and if I reveal the affair to friends that are friends out of convenience (because their kids are friends with our kids), I feel like that will put them in an awkward position, they will side with my wife, and it may anger my wife.

What is the best way to reveal the affair? Who should I NOT reveal the affair to?

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

Did you read the Exposure 101 thread?

As you were told last time, your only hope at this point is a do a full and thorough exposure. Your wife has already moved out and is divorcing you. You were reluctant to take the advice and expose and now a couple more months have passed and this affair is even more entrenched. You do not have the luxury of making decisions based on your FEAR and emotions. You cannot make decisions based on the 'what ifs.'

Read the Exposure 101 thread. Get your exposure targets in order, expose to everyone all at once to create a tsunami effect. Include your children in the exposure, they need to know that it is OM who is breaking up their family.

Expose to coworkers and anyone at the workplace in a position of power. If the OM is the owner's son, it is possible the owner will try to brush it under the rug to protect him (or not, you don't know how he will react so of course you need to expose to him). It is even possible the owner already knows (again, or not). You need to expose to other people in power or coworkers so this cannot be brushed under the rug as easily.

You are reluctant because you are afraid. You are letting emotions run the show.

You do not know how people will react. It is possible that someone you thought would be an ally, instead supports the affair. It is also possible that someone you thought would support the affair, will actually be an ally and put pressure on your wife to end it. This is why you cast a wide net, and in your case I think it is your last ditch effort as this affair has been enabled for a very long time.

Are you going to actually expose this time lik you were told when you were originally here?
Read this and this will answer all your exposure questions.
Exposure 101

it's hard to do it. Logically it makes sense that it would end the affair, but at the same time it seems wrong.

Also my therapist advises against it. And now my divorce lawyer advises against revealing the affair as it might be used against me in determining custody for what is best for the children.

Also, I just found out that my wife's Other Man MAY (unsure right now) be seeing a 2nd woman.

So what do you want to hear? If you don't want MB advice, ask the moderators to close this thread.

More time has passed and yet you continue to let FEAR (not logic) drive your decisions.

Hey its your life to live, you can do as you want. I'm not sure what kind of help you want from this forum though, when you have chosen to enable this affair straight into divorce court rather than fight for your marriage.

When a therapist says the approach is bad because it will be detrimental to saving the marriage AND more importantly bad for the kids, I am using logic.

When a highly respected divorce lawyer says that doing this may cause harm to my case (assuming my wife doesn't reconcile with me which seems norm for the course for most people posting here), then I am using logic.

I really don't appreciate your disrespecting attitude. You can cut people some slack since we're all here with high emotions.

My point for posting again is that I have new info. The Other man may be dating someone else in addition to my wife. What do you all think of that?