There's going to be ups and downs. That's just how it is. But the depth of the downs will get less and less over time. Going to the gym is a great way to get a natural mood lift.

???

This is true IF there is a real Plan B happening.

If there is "a little bit" of contact, then he is in Plan C, which is MOST LIKELY to lead to divorce and in the interim, he will not feel better and he will not be able to move away from his constant thoughts about the WW.

I believe he said his mom is the IM, and she was giving him too much information.

Right. However he said this:


That is a HIGHLY unusual way for a person in Plan B to speak. When I was in Plan B, especially in the beginning, I would phrase it this way: My IM said WH is contacting her constantly about x y or z.

Also it would be very unusual for a WW to "keep trying to contact" about kids being bad through a MIL. I really don't believe that would be possible.

This REEKS of a WS who has not been blocked who is trying to get her BH to come over and help with the kids.

A WS who has been blocked would know that kids being bad would not get a BS to communication and or help out.

My ex WH was the same - he was not involved with the kids in any way and in the early days of Plan B could not really handle the kids on his own. He never contacted the IM to let me know "how bad the kids are being." Never.

So how much contact is going on now?

You let her know, on the first day, that you were not serious about no direct contact because you contacted her directly to tell her the above.

What have you told your mother about her role as an intermediary?

Twice she called and talked to my mom and my mom told me she wanted me to talk to the kids because they won't listen to their mom. And when I FaceTimed the kids, WW jumped in and was crying saying they won't listen. I told her, "I'm sorry to hear that. Put the kids back on please", or something to that effect. And no one hardly ever calls my mom's house, but I heard the phone ring a bunch more times that night and around the same time the next night. So I am pretty sure that was her calling again about the kids.

I don't know what to do about the kids. They want to FaceTime me every night, but that's the perfect opportunity for WW to jump in and try to talk to me. It happened once already. The next night I didn't even talk to them so she couldn't jump in. And then this last time I was talking to the kids they noticed I was changing clothes (FaceTime video call) and they asked why I was changing clothes. Then I heard WW in the background ask why was I changing and asked where was I going. I just ignored her and continued talking to the kids, but I could tell she was mad because she told the kids "hurry up so you can let daddy go."

So I have a problem there. I want to talk to the kids at the beginning here to help them adjust, but WW keeps ruining that. My mom picks them back up Sunday and I have then a week, so next week I won't have to use FaceTime.

I understand no contact is important because every little thing drives me crazy, but are there other benefits besides my healing? Is there some magic psychological principle that is supposed to make her more likely to reconcile by having no contact?

Unfortunately, no. No contact is for your benefit. However, affairs do tend to follow a common pattern of imploding within two years, so if you did Plan A for a year (I can't remember how long you did Plan A), the affair would probably be over within a year of Plan B. This isn't a psychological trick, it's just the nature of affairs.

Oh, and just because the affair ends, it does not mean she'll want to reconcile. It just means that her mind will be more clear so she can properly evaluate the pros and cons of reconciliation. If she remembers things weren't really so bad (they weren't) then she may want to reconcile, and if you're still willing at that point to give it another try, then you can make sure she's willing to follow a plan and stick to the extraordinary precautions.

Thanks nmwb77. I did plan A for about 8 months.

I don't know if I will still want to reconcile in a year. I already feel like that's a bad idea, after only a week of plan B. I do have moments here and there where I want to R, but mostly I feel like she will always be too immature and may not even learn a lesson from all this. I'm sure that's probably typical BS behavior in plan B though.

If you are having "some" contact when you are supposed to be in Plan B, then you are actually in Plan C which is the most likely to lead to divorce:

That thread about plan C doesn't sound like what I am doing right now. That's definitely what I did for a month before I found MB and started plan A. I am trying for no contact, and she keeps breaking it because I haven't been able to completely close every possible form of communication yet.

I haven't contacted her at all. It's been her every time. And each time it was to beg me to stop the divorce and come home. I just ignore what I can and the rest I just politely tell her I'm not discussing anything and to reread my plan B letter if she wants to know anything.

I know what she wants though: to return to that sweet last month of plan A where she had a babysitter, financier, Butler and her affair, and my complete ignoring of the affair.

Do you think I am withdrawing love bank units everytime I politely tell her I am not talking to her and ignore her?

Yes, you are withdrawing love bank units every time you politely tell her anything. That is why you should not be in contact with her.

How is this contact able to take place? How is she able to reach you to beg you to withdraw the divorce and go home?

Exactly!! And in addition to SugarCane's questions, what are you going to do to tighten up your plan B so you don't hear this nonsense from your WW?

The kids want to FaceTime me at night but WW has to help them and she tries to talk to me then. I don't know what to do about that. It would be a lot easier without kids, she would never have a slight chance to see or talk to me. I don't know how to make the kids happy and take that chance for contact away from her. Do I just tell the kids they can't FaceTime me anymore?

Tonight I was on FaceTime with them and WW walked by and saw my face on their iPad and said "what's wrong? You look like you are about to cry." I am tired so maybe that's why I look that way. But now I am upset because I don't want her to think I am sitting at home sad and miserable.

I guess I can get my mom to call the kids and let me just speak to them on the phone one at a time on the off weeks. And I have to get her to be more strict with what she tells me, or think of a new IM.

Yes Bob, you need to make sure you are not in the room while they face time or let your mom do it completely. Never ever sit there with them. Do not see her or even hear her voice!
My DD is 5 & she understands to stay in her room till she is done.

Yes, if your mom is IM, all you should hear is if a time change has come up for kids. Really, you should try to not think or talk about her at all.

Tighten up your plan B!!

If this fails, then no face time. You letting her see you at all is bad! It just keeps you triggered.

Do you split cutody 50 50? If yes, then dont facetime them. It will be okay. And if you want to talk to them each night message them without the video. That way your wife never sees you and you can just message your kids.

Thanks everyone. I had my mom tell her no more FaceTime. I will just talk on the phone when I can get my mom to call them for me.

And yes we have 50/50 custody right now.