Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 16 of 17 1 2 14 15 16 17
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
I agree with your wife that you need to be taking something for your mood. Most women are not equipped to deal with a husband losing it emotionally. Some of us do, especially if things are bad, but if you want things to become better, you have to work the plan that will fix things, regardless of how you feel.

I don't have time to review your thread tonight, but if memory serves I've made a number of comments to you about pieces of the plan that you aren't following.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
Well I did what Dr Harley said would be very difficult for me to do I eliminated angry outbursts now 6 months. Now my wife is separating from me because she says she is feeling increasingly unsafe. What is going on?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
Well I did what Dr Harley said would be very difficult for me to do I eliminated angry outbursts now 6 months. Now my wife is separating from me because she says she is feeling increasingly unsafe. What is going on?

You are asking the wrong person. Did you ask her what is going on?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
I eliminated angry outbursts now 6 months.
You were having angry outbursts 2 months ago, in September.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
Well I did what Dr Harley said would be very difficult for me to do I eliminated angry outbursts now 6 months. Now my wife is separating from me because she says she is feeling increasingly unsafe. What is going on?

Selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts on your part.

Have you been listening to the radio show daily all this time so you can be learning how to eliminate these?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I did ask her what is going on. She told me she is feeling increasingly unsafe. I am not sure what you are referring to for SD DJ and AO. The one I can remember I apologized for immediately as recommended and I thought that was forgiven. How is 1 in 6 months that was handled as recommended translate into an increase when in the past they were more often? When I asked her this she said the AO have stopped but the anger has morphed into other behaviours silent treatment and physical restraint. The last time we discussed the coaching program I told her I was willing and her response felt like her blaming me that I had not done it yet and that now it was too late. She does not think the program will work. She is of the opinion that we tried the program and it does not work. My perspective is that we were clearly not following the program enough to receive enough of the benefits.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
When I asked her this she said the AO have stopped but the anger has morphed into other behaviours silent treatment and physical restraint.

What is meant by "physical restraint?" And what about the silent treatment?

What have you been doing to attract her back?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Can you tell us more about the physical restraint?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
My perspective is that we were clearly not following the program enough to receive enough of the benefits.

Do you recognize that you really blew this, or are you under the impression that it's her fault?

If YOU start following the program now, unilaterally, you can probably win her back.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
Your anger is your enemy. Angry Outbursts are the biggest Lovebuster. Have you really eliminated them for 6 months? Do you have an angry or belligerent attitude? Can you be kinder, no matter the feedback?

If YOU start following THIS prgogram NOW, you CAN probably get your wife back.


Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK



Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
It was evening and we had agreed to spend some UA time in our room for SF. Our relationship has been tense with conversation over conflict but this evening has been better and I was looking forward to the intimacy we had been missing for days. We are in bed together with our bodies totally intertwined when her phone sounds a text message. She instantly moves to retrieve her phone but I am so enjoying the moment I am reluctant to let her go,but I do let her go after a second. After attending to the text she told me that what I did bothered her so I apologized immediately. After a brief discussion where we each got to give our perspective, we resumed our love-making and slept in the same bed all night. In the morning however, it seemed to have completely changed. She said she was feeling increasingly unsafe and told me she was leaving me.

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
About 10 days prior I had taken her to a nice hotel in the mountains for 3 days 2 nights UA time away from it all. On the morning we had to leave she brought up a past failure of mine. I did not recognize it for what it was in the moment, I only recognized that something bothered me. We talked about in during the drive home but I still could not put my finger on it. We slept in the same bed that night and things seemed ok. I knew that if I could get some time alone and allow my thoughts to wander it would come to me what had bothered me. So next day she busied herself with something I do not recall and I sat reading. After a couple hours she came and sat next to me on the loveseat making body contact and we watched some TV. That helped relax me and sure enough that evening it dawned on me what had bothered me. We spent the evening visiting with family and slept in the same bed that night as well. Next morning I was ready to share with her what had come to me but she seemed in a very foul mood which frightened me out of bringing it up. Instead I did what I could to make a pleasant day for her, choosing to wait for a better opportunity. Finally, after another day I opened it up to her as pleasantly as possible but was not received cheerfully. She accused me of giving her the " silent treatment for days " keeping her shut out of my life and never meeting her need for intimacy.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,516
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,516
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
She accused me of giving her the " silent treatment for days " keeping her shut out of my life and never meeting her need for intimacy.
She gave you valuable information when she told you those things. She told you the things that were bothering her in the marriage, that were keeping her from being in love with you. What did you do to address her complaints?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
She is demanding a 1 year separation with 3 months no contact. Only contact allowed is via text message and only concerning the shared care of our special needs child and business decisions (we jointly run 2 small businesses). What does following the program unilaterally mean under those conditions? I have been listening to the program, not every day but regularly, and I heard Dr. Harley a few days ago warning that these types of separations are "very risky" and I can understand why. Do you recommend this for couples where their has been no affair? I remember hearing about Motel 8 therapy but this seems too severe. She tells me I should use this time for Personal Spiritual Healing which sounds to me like more DJ.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
Finally, after another day I opened it up to her as pleasantly as possible but was not received cheerfully. She accused me of giving her the " silent treatment for days " keeping her shut out of my life and never meeting her need for intimacy.

So what are you doing with this valuable feedback? She has complained about the silent treatment before so it doesn't seem it is being addressed.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 863
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 863
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
She instantly moves to retrieve her phone but I am so enjoying the moment I am reluctant to let her go,but I do let her go after a second.

Is this the physical restraint that you referenced?

Have there been other times you've physically restrained her?


Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.

Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
On the morning we had to leave she brought up a past failure of mine.


Originally Posted by Indianajordan
I did not recognize it for what it was in the moment, I only recognized that something bothered me. .....

We talked about in during the drive home but I still could not put my finger on it. ....

We slept in the same bed that night and things seemed ok. I knew that if I could get some time alone and allow my thoughts to wander it would come to me what had bothered me.

Everything in red is not a helpful response to someone's pain from the past, or even their complaint in the present.

My guess is that what you consider to be a "past failure", was in fact, something that was currently happening and she was bringing it to your attention.

Assuming that my guess is correct, then your response was actually dismissing her remarks and turning to a defense mechanism to protect yourself. This defense mechanism, is the practice of becoming silent, turning your thoughts inward, and focusing on that fleeting idea of that thing SHE was doing to bother you. Please see all of the things above in red. I, I, I. Me, me, me.




What exactly was the past failure which she addressed, and is it possible that it was occurring in the present? Have you properly and constructively addressed that yet? It sounds like when she complained, you may have changed the subject to how she was hurting you. "Oh yeah? Well you do XYZ thing that bugs me!" this may not have been intentional. But is it possible that she perceived it that way? That, coupled with you holding her back from checking her phone, could have been her last straw.

As a sidenote: Considering your family dynamic, your wife would want to check her phone. I can empathize with you too. Finally you are getting the sex you want. Forcing her to comply, however, was selfish and not respectful. Did you ever apologize for that? If not, I think that you should.

Last edited by DidntQuit; 11/28/16 04:10 PM.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I received that valuable information and I made a commitment to her that I would in the future, when I felt I needed some alone time to think, tell her beforehand that I need some time to think and that my quietness has nothing to do with her and that I am not pulling away from her or trying to shut her out of my life in any way.

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
Yes that is the restraint I referenced. That was her choice of words not mine. I can recall no other times when she has complained about this.

Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
Was either of those posts a response to mine? I can't really tell.

Page 16 of 17 1 2 14 15 16 17

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 899 guests, and 46 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Nofoguy, Ingrid Guerci, Wifey02, forevermemorable, Hairyfeet
71,821 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5