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He met her out one evening 2 summers ago when I was out of town with my children visiting family. He went out with a mutual friend for a drink, who brought her cousin along with her, someone I knew. In the first instance that she met my husband I believe her words were "Holy C$'P".. she knew he was married, but she filled him up and made home feel all the things that he never felt from me. They exchanged numbers and got together a couple days later. He told me about her 1 1/2 months later.

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Has he had other affairs?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Why is your husband having opposite sex friends and going out for drinks with them? That is a bad idea- a marriage wrecking habit.

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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No he has not had any other affairs

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That was then and this does not happen any longer.

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What has your husband done to ensure that the OW can NEVER see or speak with him or have any contact with him again? Has his phone number been changed?

Does the OW or the mutual friend live in your hometown?


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No, he has not changed his number, but her contact is deleted. She lives in the next town over and has removed her children from our sports district. The mutual friend does still live in our city, but she is not our friend any longer.

I guess I didn't pose my question properly, because I am more concerned with me not being capable of. Erring his needs, and all of the damage I have done with angry outburst (continually) and disrespectful comments (continually) and the fact that I have been married to the guy for almost 16 years and don't have the faintest clue how to meet his needs.

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Because "pre affair" I was always wrapped up in my own head and my own world. I was focused on myself and my work. He was a "fixture" in my life... I never even noticed when he was not around.

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Your H sounds VERY wayward to me. It would not surprise me to learn that there was still some underground C (contact) happening.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Did you know that Dr Harley has said a WH who does not approach R on bended knee, remorseful for his actions, is not serious?

If he does not change his attitude and quickly, I would show him the door.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Deleting her contact does nothing though. I get calls from people all of the time who are not in my contact list.

We understand that you want to learn to become the best wife possible. When we found Marriage Builders, most of us also had to learn how to stop the LoveBusters. Yes, you must never have an angry outburst again, but that is not the REASON that your husband had the affair. Do you see that?

He had an affair because he had zero boundaries around woman and HE allowed her to meet his needs. Let's say that another way....he allowed himself to feel great around her.

The way that you are focusing on all of the things that YOU did wrong, it seems to us that your husband may be still in contact with the OW. His behavior is not normal for a formerly wayward and now repentent husband.


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Yes you were probably not the best wife pre affair. However, it doesn't sound like he was the best husband either. You have already stated that he did not meet any of your needs and never has.

Your H having an affair was not because of your behavior though, as has already been stated. He had an affair because he had poor boundaries around other women and let another woman meet his needs. He could have chosen instead to work with you to create a better marriage, but he didn't, he chose to have an affair. You were not getting your needs met either, but you did not have an affair. An affair is the most harmful thing you can do to a marriage, and the most painful thing you can do to your spouse. Yet he seems to have convinced you that HE is the victim here and YOU need to win him back in some fashion. He did not fill your needs and then chose to hurt you in the most painful way possible, yet YOU are supposed to be winning him back. No, friend, that is not how this is supposed to go. He has gaslit you into believing that you are lucky he is giving you a second chance to earn him, when indeed HE is lucky that YOU are giving him a second chance despite the fact that he has harmed you in ways you have never harmed him.

Dr Harley has been working with marriages that have been devastated by affairs for over 40 years. He advises betrayed wives DESPITE HOW THEY BEHAVED PRE AFFAIR to set their boundaries very high for a wayward husband to come back. He advises them to require a 'hat in hand' WH who is repentant and 100% on board with recovery. If that is not the case, he advises separation.

As you can see, your wayward husband is not anywhere close to hat in hand, repentant, or on board with recovery. The advise for you if he does not change his tune immediately, would be separate. He is gas lighting you and turning this situation around, having you beg him for forgiveness and trying to win him back when in fact YOU ARE THE VICTIM.

This is not saying you have to dwell on his past affair, or either of your past mistakes. You can go forward and create a great marriage together, but he needs to be on board with that. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO WIN HIM BACK.

You do not need to rephrase your question, we all read it correctly. We are just able to see the forest for the trees, and you are not.

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Dr Harley says that women do not do well competing. He advises BW's during an affair, to Plan A for 3 weeks and then go into separation to protect themselves. He advises this because being in competition for your husband will take an emotional and even physical toll on you.

You have now been in competition for a couple years it seems, and I can already tell it has taken a mental toll on you as you don't seem to be thinking clearly about this. It is clear that he has gaslit you into believing it was your fault and you are responsible for fixing it. It is clear that he is using the OW to this day as a pawn to manipulate you into being a better wife, by comparing you to her. This is going to have long term harmful affects to you if it continues.

None of us were great spouses before we came here and learned how to be. You can be a great wife, but not when you are working with an unrepentive wayward husband who continues to gaslight, manipulate and hurt you. You realize that right?

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You need to put spyware on his devices if you're going to stay in this marriage. Do not let him know you're putting it on.

When will you be doing this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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OMG. No, I don't realize this. I feel like I am going insane now.. like we have been going around in circles and circles for a couple of years now. Is he really gas lighting me? He did feel very very sorry while he was having the affair and definitely after. But he just feels now that it is in the past. And his hurt still happens everyday.

Has anyone here been in the same situation as me? I mean I have said the WORST things that any wife can possibly say to their husband. I have treated him TERRiBLY. He has been made to feel like a failure, not a good provider, not even a real man. I have told him he is average looking and I have never shown any interest in initiating sex or intimate conversation (this is actually one of his main emotional needs.) Our relationship was superficial and not very deep. I wasn't very open or honest with him ever. Honestly he should have ended our marriage because of how unhappy he was.

I am not sure seperation is an option where we physically are in different addresses. We are going through a bankruptcy and we own a business together. We can't physically afford anything else right now. Is there an option to seperate while under the same roof?

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Hold on...I will get you a link from this board...BRB smile


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We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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Here, have a read ALL through this thread. It may explain some of what you are presently feeling:

Please Explain Gaslighting


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Originally Posted by DRSLB
But he just feels now that it is in the past. And his hurt still happens everyday.
The only way that it will be in the past is once HE provides just compensation and works his butt off with you to make your marriage better than it EVER was before!

Of COURSE his hurt still happens everyday if he continues to PUNISH you for HIS choice to have an affair!

Honestly, you need to snoop, snoop, and snoop some more. This man has not ended all contact, I can promise you.

We can and will help you with learning to make a new marriage (if you choose) that is better than your old one ever was.

But we can't do SQUAT until he has ended his affair and come out of the fog of entitlement. It's not just your husband; it is the same for every wayward spouse.

Please go out and buy a couple of VAR's (voice activated recorders) tomorrow, and put one in his car and another someplace in the house where he goes to be alone (I put one in the bathroom). Also, put spyware on all of his electronic devices. I bet dollars to donuts that you will discover that he has a burner phone.

Originally Posted by DRSLB
I am not sure seperation is an option where we physically are in different addresses. We are going through a bankruptcy and we own a business together. We can't physically afford anything else right now. Is there an option to seperate while under the same roof?
No, separation cannot be under the same roof. Have you already filed for bankruptcy? When is your 341 hearing scheduled?


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We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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if you divorce, how will you handle that? Will you live in the same house and continue to share a business? Of course not. You are headed for divorce right now, either that or living in a miserable marriage until you have a mental breakdown. You CAN seperate, people do it every day. If you divorce you will have to.

How have you been for the last 18-24 months, during and post affair? Have you been terrible and abusive? Or have you been trying hard to meet his needs and avoid love busters?

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