Hello all! I am new here. My husband and I are both 27 and have been married for 3 years. We also have a 3 year old daughter. We have been separated 4 months going on 5 here soon. This is the second time he has left me...he left in January as well and came back in mid Feb. Our relationship has always been tumultuous...if you want those details I can give them to you. Anyways...my husband has been living at his parents house for the past 4 months and has said he wants a divorce the entire time. He has not filed...he says he wants us to do it together as cheaply and peacefully as possible. He tells me that he has filled out his paperwork but I have yet to see it. We don't talk very much other than to exchange our daughter. He was very unkind and disrespectful to me until I agreed to sit down and visit with him about the divorce process. How do I fix this? Is it fixable? He acts as if he wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole and when he looks at me I don't notice anything like he is attracted to me or has any type of feelings for me other than hatred. How do I turn this thing around?????

Welcome to MB. What is the reason he gives you about leaving?

What do you mean when you say tumultuous?

Well there are always two perspectives in a relationship but it has always seemed to some degree that we disagree a great deal. The biggest thing for me is that even when we were first dating my husband never really put me or our relationship first and he is a chronic liar. It has always felt like our family and relationship come second to his social life. He cheated on me when we were dating but never admitted to it until this last winter. He lies a lot and has always been sneaky about his phone, etc... Also, he says that he only started lying because of the way I reacted to him when he did tell me the truth but I think that is just him trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad because throughout the years I have found out about lots of things that he lied to me about when we were dating and I didn't freak out about things back then...I didn't even know that things were going on because I never thought to second guess him. Why would you need to lie to someone you say you love and want to spend the rest of your life with? He always seems eager to go do something with the boys but won't do anything with me. Anyways...the lying and whatnot really got to me and made me very angry and resentful towards him. We were just in this vicious cycle for a long time. He left saying that we are just not right for each other, and that if it was supposed to have worked out it would have already. I have no idea if he is having an affair....he hasn't admitted to one and I haven't seen or heard anything around town but I'm definitely not saying that he isn't. It feels like in our relationship all of the "love busters" or things that could go wrong are indeed wrong...but yet here I am still trying to figure out a way to get things to work.

Zanadoo, unless your husband is willing to make a radical change in his approach to being a husband, he is not marriage material. A husband who lies, is sneaky and independent is a nightmare. You can't create a marriage with someone who has a secret second life. It seems pretty obvious to the objective observer that he is having an affair and has probably had several.

Would he be willing to make radical changes in his lifestyle that would support a marriage? I would guess not. You are much better off getting out of this marriage. His behavior would destroy any relationship and very possibly your mental health.

Here is how you save your marriage. Will he agree to everything on this list?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Hello all! I am back...My relationship is in the same situation. My husband says he wants to get a divorce but has not filed and it has been 7 months that we have been separated. I don't want to file and don't feel that God wants me to. But it just seems like we have been in limbo land forever. My husband says he is done and wants a divorce and as far as I know has not made any attempts or progression towards growing and changing for the better. What should I do?

So you're saying I should divorce him?

Zanadoo, I lingered in a horrible marriage for many years over this. Only after it was all over with did I understand things more clearly and realize that my feelings from before were not aligned with the full counsel of Scripture. I realized that my previous feeling of entrapment had nothing to do with Scripture or with God.

Is there a particular Scripture that you are struggling with or is it just a sense on your part?

Dr. Harley's methods are actually very Scriptural. Although initially there may be some verses that seem to contradict him, when you put together a fuller context of the Lord's teachings about relationships you can very clearly see how those verses relate to additional context and how closely Dr. Harley's methods align with Scripture.

What would be Dr. Harley's approach in my situation??

You never answered MelodyLane's two posts, about your husband having an affair.

You will get more help here if you address the posts that people have taken the trouble to make to you.

My husband isn't having an affair.

He isn't having an affair and he left me. I found out today that he filed so I guess that is my answer right there?

How do you know that?

How do you know?

I really don't know that he isn't having an affair but I don't think he is. He has filed for divorce as of the 29th. He is not willing to work on anything pertaining to our relationship. I don't want to end my marriage so what is it that I should do? I know that I can't make him come back to me I guess I am asking what do I do for myself and any potential that our marriage could be saved? Does anyone get what I'm saying?

You need to find out the name of the woman he is having the affair with, and expose them both at their workplace, if that's where he met her, and also expose him to your close family and friends, and her husband if she has one.

If he won't end the affair immediately on exposure, and withdraw the divorce petition, you need to let him finish his affair with her. Once you have exposed, have nothing to do with him until and unless he begs you to take him back.

He is having an affair, whether you believe it or not. You cannot get your marriage back until the affair ends, and you might be able to speed up the ending by exposing the fact that it is taking place. You cannot expose until you find out who is involved, so start finding that out.

I don't think he is having an affair I think he is heavily into porn. I know I sound like a crazy lady saying that my husband isn't having an affair but I don't think he is. How would I expose him? How do I not talk to him with us having a small child together?

So this is where you should start. Decide if he is having an affair based on actual facts and evidence. This is too important to base decisions based on wild guesses and speculation.


Instructions in my link.


Any pertinent information would be conveyed through a 3rd party.

As for an affair...I have checked phone records and there is nothing. Friends and family have not mentioned sightings of him with anyone else. He has said there isn't anyone else verbally to me. I did catch him about two months ago talked to a girl via text but he has since stopped as I exposed that one. He left about 7 months ago and is living at his parents. I think I told my story earlier in my thread.

As for exposing him...where is this link? Can I get it from you again if at all possible? Pretty much everyone in town knows that we are separated and probably getting a divorce and that I don't want it.

So I am to follow the plan B guidelines? What is the purpose of the 3rd party person? How should I act? Can someone send me an outline?

Here is the exposure thread Exposure 101

Can you hire a PI to confirm if he is having an affair or not? You really need to rule out an affair.