Alright so here's what is going on. My wife and I have been married 5 years. We got married young at only 18 (her) and 20 (me). We have a 2 year old. Up until 2 weeks ago, I thought we were fine. Then she hits me with "I love you, but I don't know if I'm IN love with you." Since then it has become clear that she has been thinking of divorce. Needless to say it broke my heart and led to some pretty heated arguments and discussions. I now understand her feelings and completely understand how insensitive and disrespectful I've been over the years and I acknowledge that. I desperately want to make this work but it doesn't seem like she wants to. She hangs on to every negative memory she has involving me and I need help getting past that. Right now her defenses are up and she won't let me in. I guess what I am really asking is this, what can I do to gain her forgiveness for past betrayals of trust and then how do I gain her trust again?

Hello keebler!

The great news is that as the husband, you are in a good position to win your wife back. Have you read the Basic Concepts? Essentially, you will eliminate all lovebusters and work to meet her emotional needs until she falls back in love with you. Women are made to be pursued.

But, for that to work, you need to confirm that there are no other men in the picture. It won't work if she has a new point of comparison. Quietly snoop to find out if she is having an affair. This is an essential step, because if she is then your course of action will be different. There are a couple of red flags in your post that point to the possibility of an affair.

Hi, keebler,

As my wife Prisca mentioned, step one is that you need to confirm there are no other men in the picture. There almost always is when someone says "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

Also, can you tell us what you are wanting your wife to forgive you for? What past betrayals of trust are you talking about?

Well as far as other men go, she has several guy friends she has made friends with through work. (She manages an auto parts store) I am in no way suspicious of a physical relationship, but I'm afraid there is a bit of an emotional relationship with an old co-worker from a previous job. As it turns out, he now works at the same place I do so it's very easy for to keep tabs on him. I have expressed my concerns about her guy friends to her and she seems to not care. I do believe her when she says they are just friends but I do feel they could end up being detrimental to our broken relationship right now. As far as what I've done in the past, well the list is long. What it all really boils down to is I've been living as if I'm single and she has always just been my maid and I didn't even realize I was doing it. Now though, I want to make things right, but I keep feeling like it may be too late. She gives no indication that she wants to make things better and it is becoming increasingly hopeless for me. It's like she'd rather ignore the problem altogether.

Okay, the very next step is to eliminate the guy friends from her life. She and you can't continue to see men she has had an emotional attachment to.

The problem I am running into is that she is unwilling to do that. It bothers me to no end, but I don't think there is anything I can do.

Welcome to MB.

I know you like to think that she just has 'guy friends' but your first post seemed very obvious that she is having an affair. Even if it is an emotional affair, considering many women have needs that are not physical, it can be just as damaging to your marriage which is what you are seeing here.

At this point, you really do not KNOW if she just has friendships or an EA or a full blown PA. You need to get this intel. You cannot fight what you do not know about.

Please do some snooping and find out what is going on. Find out the FACTS. Then we can give you the best advice possible to fight for your marriage. Can you do this? I would suggest spyware on her phone, and a VAR in her car.

Ok I get where you are coming from but I've already checked her phone and other things and trust me it wouldn't be possible at this time to have a physical relationship with another man but I do know of the emotional affair. I am not blind to what is happening, just trying to end it. She doesn't want to give up her male friends. That's what I need help with. I have expressed my concerns to her and even the guy she talks to and they both said they understand but haven't slowed their conversation at all. I'm not sure what to do now.

You do not understand the addictive nature of an affair. Affairs are addictive like alcohol or drugs. When people get involved in affairs they enter into a mental 'fog' and do not think clearly or rationally. Think of all the people you've seen in the media who have sacrificed their families, careers, their entire lives for a mediocre affair partner. It is because of the addiction, not necessarily the person.

You are trying to reason with your WW and her AP, and this is not going to work for you. You cannot reason with someone who is in the fog of an affair.

You also need to stop downplaying this EA, her 'guy friend.' She wants to divorce you, and it is because she is falling in love with someone else and has a new point of comparison. This is obviously more serious than some friend.

You keep saying you know exactly what is going on between them, but I think that is highly unlikely. She is not willing to leave her marriage over a friendship and a few chats. It is more entrenched than that, and I am guessing you do not have all the facts.

I would still snoop and find out the facts.

After that, read the Exposure 101 thread and prepare to expose her affair. Exposure is the single greatest weapon to bust up an affair and fight for your marriage. You cannot win her back until the affair is over and exposure is your greatest tool to achieve that.

She has never said that she was leaving me for another man. The guy in question just got married himself a few months ago. I know there are feelings there. I know that. I just don't know how to make her end the relationship without causing massive marital strife between the two of us. I am going to check out that "exposure 101" and try to go over that with her tonight.

No no no, you do not go over that with her. Do not go over ANY of this with her.

Again, you do not understand that you are not talking to a rational person. You are talking to someone who is in an affair fog. She is not going to tell you she is leaving you for another man. She is going to tell you she 'loves you but is not in love with you' because she has fallen 'in love' with someone else. She is going to inflate every bad thing that has ever happened in your relationship, this is called 'rewriting history.' She is going to leave you because you have a bad marriage, the other man is 'just a friend.' The reality is that she would be approaching this 100% different if there was no other man, so in fact, she IS leaving for another man.

You need to wake up here friend. You cannot reason her back. She is not your ally right now.

May I point out you already HAVE massive marital strife. It is there because she is having an affair. Ending the affair should be your #1 goal right now.

Do not share this site with her or any of the advice on it. Right now you are fighting for your marriage and we can give you a game plan for that, but while she is actively involved in an affair she is not your partner in this.

That sure makes a lot of sense. She is doing all of those things right now. Everytime I try to talk to her, she just shuts down and her favorite response is "where have you been for the last 5 years?" and you're right, she has inflated every single memory she has where I have hurt her and it is now a wall of defense. I guess I need to figure out how to end the relationship with her friend.

First, you need to stop calling him her 'friend.' Dude, this is the guy who is stealing your wife and breaking up your marriage. This is her *affair partner.*. Take this seriously.

Next, you need to get the facts. Put some spyware in place to get the facts. This is more entrenched than you realize, I guarantee it.

Finally, read up on exposure and start making a list.

DO ALL THIS WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE.

What it boils down to is she havng an affair. I am sorry to tell you this. It was just a matter of time before it happened because she has very, very inappropriate boundaries around men. Affairs are always caused by opposite sex friendships and she has plenty of those.

The reason we know she is having an affair is because her comment, I love you but am not in love with you, means she has a new point of comparison. Another red flag is how she is rewriting the history of your marriage. This is a classic ploy that serves to jsutify her affair.

So, the first step is to quietly get the evidence of the affair and come back here. Don't confront her yet, just come here and we will help you with next steps.

I am sorry this has happened to you.

We will help you end the affair, but you must first get the evidence. Don't ask her, just be like James Bond and quietly snoop around.

I just love her! She had already told you everything I said! unwritten gives great advice.

When can you get spyware put on her devices? You need to also put a VAR in her car, or wherever she most likely would be talking with this guy. Even though you work with this guy, you don't know who he is talking to from his work phone, or when he is in his vehicle or any of the many other places waywards find to talk.