My husband admitted to kissing a bar tramp several times. Now I can't stand the thought of letting him kiss me anymore. I have triggers and refuse to kiss him deeply anymore, what do I do?
Thanks Liz

Is your husband still going to bars?
How long ago was this?

No, he has made a total turn around. It was 2 years ago. He has done everything to make it right, and his guilt is real. But I just can't seem to get past it.

Did you ever have him take a polygraph?

No. I did get tested and made him get tested for STD's - negative. Also, he had friends that supported his behavior. I just happened to catch him immediately.

Here is a checklist that helps marriages recover from events like this. Can you tell us what has been done, and what is left to do?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Also, how much time a week do you two get alone together? Doing what? Is it enjoyable?

We don't go out anymore. I feel too insecure and not good enough or pretty enough. he used to flirt with every wh--e but me but since discovery day, my self-esteem is gone. he really does try, but when we're "together" it's just "together" not making love. much less kissing him since he kissed a nasty bar trash mouth.

Can you go over that checklist and tell us what has been done?

I will and will let you know my results.

God bless everyone who's trying to help.

Liz

So, he has met all criteria. since it was 2 years ago. although I am the one who blocked phone numbers, Facebook, etc. he has had no problem with it. He says she was nothing but easy trash and because I was gone all the time taking care of my mother after my daddy died, he acknowledges that it was HIS fault and his weakness. He has accepted his role and has never blamed me. we had buried our Army son in 2008 and it was 2014 that he said he was feeling ignored.

So, he has met all criteria. since it was 2 years ago. although I am the one who blocked phone numbers, Facebook, etc. he has had no problem with it. He says she was nothing but easy trash and because I was gone all the time taking care of my mother after my daddy died, he acknowledges that it was HIS fault and his weakness. He has accepted his role and has never blamed me. we had buried our Army son in 2008 and it was 2014 that he said he was feeling ignored.

I also know that she is a sociopath from others. my husband was not the first married man she has gone after. There were others. She is a drunken tramp and I've been told she NEVER gets a "good guy" because all of the guys in the bar have used her. I also know she was worked at a massage parlor that got busted when she was 21. She is the poster child for histrionic/sociopath victim DSM diagnosis. The "beauty" of it all is that this year she got a class 5 FELONY for DUI/hit & run! God does get justice!

I hesitate to post this but I feel it must be said...This most likely went beyond some drunken bar kisses.

I say that for several reasons....

*This was never confirmed by poly
*Most WS's will confess to an EA or a kiss and not more than that unless pressed with concrete evidence or a threat of a poly.
*From my experience, it would be very unusual for a married person to kiss someone in a public place like a bar. When a WS says this (btw, I've seen this posted on the forum before and it turned out to be untrue), it usually means they went to a private place and did much more than that.
*You were away so there was ample opportunity
*Your WH's use of the language "she was just easy trash"...very unusual if she just kissed him.

I'm sorry but it's very difficult to recover when the truth about an affair hasn't been uncovered.

My advice? Have him take a poly.

Again, I am sorry that you are going through this.

I agree.
You cannot move on and heal from this until you have the truth. A polygraph would be a very wise first step.

Thanks so much. I will check into where to get one. Are they expensive?

Here Polygraph Testing