The 180 is the complete and absolute opposite of MB. The problem with the 180 is that it promotes detachment in marriages where the main PROBLEM is detachment. The problem obviously can't be the solution. Your husband is already detached, so more detachment won't be the solution.

We are not asking you to "nag him" but to respectfully invite him into the marriage by painting a rosy picture and telling him what you need. He can then decide to join or not.

We do not advocate "nagging."

If you think there is any possibility he is using prostitutes, I would not have sex with him. That is very risky.

This sounds a lot more serious than just a depth perception issue. I hope it resolves for you

Well he's already gone again. Got home around 2 am, slept in the guest room again, told me over breakfast he was going over to his parents to snowblow the driveway and clear the snow off their roof. Then he's going to hang out there until the games start. I asked him if he wanted us to join him and he said no it was too much hassle to get "the kid" ready to go anywhere. I had no time to have a conversation with him because he grabbed his coat and keys and left while I was in the shower. Leaving me to clear our driveway which really gets me because he knows how hard it is for me. But he's willing to do it for his parents. Who have a snow blower. We only have a shovel but a longer driveway than them.

It's pretty obvious to me at this point that he is actively avoiding spending time with me. Never got a chance to talk to him about joining him for the games this afternoon wonder now if he would even want me to. Guess I'll call my SIL and see how BIL reacted to the idea.

Why don't you call his parents and see if he is there.

He's cheating. No question about it because we caught him. His brother is also cheating. Not affairs with just one woman but once or twice screws in the back rooms of bars with different women every weekend. So probably the same thing on the road. They've apparently been playing wingman for each other and who even knows how long it's been going on.

SIL and I will be scheduling STDs first thing tomorrow. She also intends to get a lawyer and file for divorce immediately. But she doesn't have my Christian belief system. I at least want to discuss this with my parents and my pastor first. I probably will divorce him though. I don't know how I can forgive this.

I've been crying since my SIL came over a few hours ago and dropped the bomb. I had decided not to go to the bar tonight but apparently our conversation this week got her red flag radar going and she decided she would go without me. Both of our husbands were there with other women and when she confronted one of the employees she got an earful. Apparently the bar has rooms upstairs you can rent for a couple of hours to betray your spouse with total strangers. I'm half tempted to call the cops and find out if what they are doing is legal. Not that it would do any good.

I'm so confused right now. Lost. Hurt. Furiously angry. Suffocating. I married late because I was hoping maturity would bring better judgement and a marriage more likely to survive! So much for that idea.

They know that SIL saw them so I doubt either one will come home tonight.

Where the hell am I supposed to go from here? He almost has to come home if only to get clothes. Do I confront him? Do I just throw him out?

First of all... I am sorry!

Let me help you here.
1. Go gather his clothes up in garbage bags, put them outside,
2. Change your locks.
3. Leave a note telling him goodbye, here is your clothes, anything else will be discussed through lawyers, if he wants to see his child he may at this and this time and if he needs to speak to you -email this address.
4. Get yourself an IM (intermediary) who will answer the email and block him from your phone so you won't have to see his anger and gas lighting.
5. Go file for divorce just for protection.
(Filing is not the same as completing but it will protect you financially etc.
If you don't and he realizes that you know about his secret second life-he could go crazy with money, legally come take your son, etc... there really is a lot you need protection from regardless of how this plays out)
6. Go take your money from any joint account and put it into your own secure account.
7. Get yourself STD testing.
8. EXPOSE like crazy. Let everyone (not out of vengeance) know what he has been up too. This brings you the needed support your are going to need and is a light shining in the dark so he can never spin this as anything that it wasn't.
9. Get the book Surviving an affair form Dr. Harley and read it.
10. Remember that it is not your fault. There are always reason's but not excuses. This isn't your typical opps affair, this is a serial cheat who goes looking for this which makes him almost impossible to recover with.

I am glad that you at least now know the truth. You can make better decisions based on this. I think once you talk to a lawyer you will feel better as he will have to support you in the interim and to help pay for your child. (And there is no way ever they will force you against your will to put your child in an institution!!! Trust me, but go talk to a lawyer and you will see!

I will especially pray for you as you start walking this path.
Blessings- I know its not easy!

So sorry to hear this but at least you now know the nature of your problem. Your husband and his brother were doing exactly what they saw their father do. Because his wife never left him, they had no idea that this kind of behavior would have consequences.

This is the beginning of your recovery. You will soon feel far better than you can ever imagine.

Well I came downstairs this morning to divorce papers which based on the date on them he started filling out months ago. Along with a note stating he was planning on waiting until spring to file but since the cat is out of the bag he figured there was no point in waiting. He's sorry he hurt me but he can't handle the stress of a disabled child and well he doesn't think he's capable of sexual monogamy and he probably should never have married to begin with. I haven't more than glanced at the divorce papers so far because I'm just not emotionally ready to deal with it. I already called my SIL and it looks like BIL did the same thing to her. She's coming over in a little while so we can commiserate and talk about how we are going to handle this. I do know if he's this sure he wants a divorce I'm not going to fight him. I just can't believe I was that blind to not see that he was that completely detached apparently months ago - it would appear he started the divorce papers way back in April.

Thanks for the support and advice but it would appear that it is too late for us.

See an attorney asap. You may wish to counterfile if cause is considered in your state.

Also, go to the bank and get your money. You need to secure finances right away.

And keep that note he wrote you. That may be useful later.

Based on the papers, he's offering me everything I would ask for. He just wants out. He says I can have 100% custody with no visitation on his part, I can keep the house but he'll keep paying the bills. He says he'll continue to support us until our son passes and then he'll expect me to find a way to support myself. It's really obvious that he put a lot of thought into this and that he either cares enough, feels guilty enough, or both, to want to do right by us financially.

I feel a lot worse for SIL. BIL is apparently being a jerk. But from what she says their marriage was a lot better than ours so she's really in shock. I can't honestly say that I'm surprised at all. About the cheating, yes - but not really that he wasn't happy and wanted out. I just thought he was unhappy because of our son, not because he felt trapped being in a monogamous relationship.

I don't get it. My in laws have a really good, over 50 year marriage. How on earth did they manage to raise not just one but two sons who would act this way?

BMH, I am sorry to hear about this. My suggestion would be to jump all over this so you have legal protection. The most important thing right now is securing financial protection for you and your son. I don't envision that your husband will change, but you can offer him that option. But FIRST, visit an attorney and TAKE THIS DEAL! Get that secured before he has second thoughts.

I'm so sorry. Do you know if any of these women are married?

Very sorry that you have to go through this BMH.
You deserve a spouse who stands behind you and supports you through thick and thin.

You have to be strong now and first abd foremost think about the financial security in your situation. You can think about what to do next after that.
And do order surviving an affair, to know hiw to protect your mental health.

I have no idea. I wasn't the one who made the discovery. It sounds like they have just been bar hopppng picking up random women. SIL said when she walked into the bar they both were making out with much younger (20-something) women in what SIL referred to as "skanky" clothing. I won't go into the details SIL went into with me it's too depressing. I must say I had no idea that any of the bars in our area were renting out short term "hookup" rooms. I have no intention of asking H for details because I honestly don't want to know. I already find myself wondering if H and BIL were have 4somes or doing other things I was never willing to do with him.

I have an appt to see my pastor tomorrow. Going in for STD testing on Friday. Will contact a lawyer probably Monday I want to ask around at my church for recommendations on Sunday. Actually if at all possible I'd like to use mediation or collaborative divorce if anyone in my area does it. Assuming my H is willing. I definitely want to keep this out of court I don't think I can handle that level of stress.

And in case anybody recommends exposure, his family, my family, and SIL's family have already been told. He doesn't attend my church or indeed any church so there's no point there. I don't want the resulting pity and gossip anyway. And I can't expose him to his employer I can't afford to have him lose his job my son's medical expenses are astronomical and losing our current health insurance would be a nightmare. Besides, if he's willing to continue supporting us 100%, why would I want him to lose a $200,000/year job?

BMH, exposure to workplace is only recommended when there is a workplace affair. No one has recommended you do that. You need to just stay focused on protecting you and your family. That is the most important thing right now.

I'm very sorry you have reached this outcome. However, there are some silver linings to this cloud, you just can't see them right now because the cloud is so thick at the moment.

For one, you don't have to make the very hard to choice of whether to divorce or not. I could see this was very difficult for you based on your religious beliefs. But now you know that he is a serial cheater and habitual liar, and has no intention of ever changing this behavior. When it comes to serial cheating where the wayward spouse is actively seeking multiple affairs, the wayward spouse HAS to be 100% on board and willing to do anything it takes to even consider recovery, and even then it is very very difficult. You don't have that at all. You have a serial cheater who is 0% on board and has no intention of change. So, you don't have to make a valiant effort here afterall. You can divorce and there is nobody who would judge you for divorcing in this situation. You can go on and create an amazing life for yourself.

You also know that he doesn't care about your son and considers him a burden only. As a mother this is very hard to know I'm sure, but it gives you the strength to protect him and create a better life for him away from this person.

He has offered you a very good divorce deal. The best part of this deal is full custody with no visitation. Although in some ways you are angry and insulted for your son, at the end of the day, there are many divorcing mothers who would LOVE to have this option. If he walks away it will save you years of constant contact and headache dealing with a wayward. And I think it is the best case scenario for your son here too.

You can move on with no questioning or regrets, knowing you could have done nothing to save this marriage. You can create a better life for you and your son.

Again, very sorry for the pain you are going through. From the outside looking in, every day you are not with this man who seems to have little or no character, is a good day. You deserve so much better than this.