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This is a great question! My exposure is coming soon as well and I would love to hear other people's experiences.


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I personally received zero replies from people I did not know. My in-laws were extremely supportive at first (until they gave up). My WW filed for divorce. My relationship with friends that I exposed to is great; we're closer now than ever before. They were a great support as I was going through the most difficult time of my life. As Dr. Harley says, exposure speeds up the inevitable. In my case, it resulted in a faster divorce. It saved me from years of heartache. I am now happily remarried, and I would have it no other way. I thank God for leading me to Marriage Builders and giving me the strength to expose against my instincts.

When I was going through it all, I did weeks of research. My own personal research showed that exposure was my best bet. Even on sites that discourage exposure, if you look at the ones who actually saved their marriages, in most of the cases, the affairs were exposed (sometimes unintentionally).


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Originally Posted by Montgomery
This is a great question! My exposure is coming soon as well and I would love to hear other people's experiences.
I am following your updates. Looking forward to your exposure updates. Wishing you all the best.


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Originally Posted by nmwb77
I personally received zero replies from people I did not know. My in-laws were extremely supportive at first (until they gave up). My WW filed for divorce. My relationship with friends that I exposed to is great; we're closer now than ever before. They were a great support as I was going through the most difficult time of my life. As Dr. Harley says, exposure speeds up the inevitable. In my case, it resulted in a faster divorce. It saved me from years of heartache. I am now happily remarried, and I would have it no other way. I thank God for leading me to Marriage Builders and giving me the strength to expose against my instincts.

When I was going through it all, I did weeks of research. My own personal research showed that exposure was my best bet. Even on sites that discourage exposure, if you look at the ones who actually saved their marriages, in most of the cases, the affairs were exposed (sometimes unintentionally).
Thank you very much. What do you think made the people you did not know reply? Not wanting to be involved, supported her or they thought it was just none of their business? What is the situation of your WW now? Any contact? Is she still with the OW/M? Do people still talk to you about it? Did any people outcast you? What do you do if comes up in conversations? Too many unknowns for me. Thanks again.


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I think you need to provide more information about the nature of the court order against you. Is it is a restraining order? Is it a temporary ex parte 30-day order with a further hearing or a 1-year/permanent order? Etc etc.

It would be extremely unwise of you to contact anyone you are forbidden by the order to contact, even if for exposure, such as possibly your in-laws. Also consider that your attorneys are probably giving you the MOST cautious advice. They are trying to CYA, it's sort of their job.

In my situation, I exposed very quickly and my inlaws were split on supportive/not supportive. It's impossible to know for sure but the impression I get is that they did not apply much or any pressure on my ex-wife to do the right thing.

I didn't get many people directly responding to my FB message I sent out, other than someone in OMs family asking me not to contact them.

I confronted OM at his workplace as well.

I did receive a lot of support from friends and family and I do not regret for one second exposing and following a solid Plan A, even 2+ years out from the events.

You cannot know how people will respond in terms of what they say to your WW, and for those that do, you never know who will get through to her (if anyone).

Exposing will at best apply pressure to the affair and at worst help those close to you understand what is almost certainly the worst event of your life up to this point. You need that support right now, so at the least, if you are legally restrained from doing a wide exposure (we need more facts on your court order to advise further there), you should be certain to tell the truth about what has happened to YOUR family and friends.

Divorces are ugly things and people's natural tendency is to distance themselves from the facts of the situation because it makes them uncomfortable. Also most people still consider adultery to be reprehensible so it makes them uncomfortable imagining someone close to them being capable of it.

But these things happen and people who haven't been betrayed have no idea how painful of an experience that is. It is critical that you expose to whatever extent you are legally able to, for your own sake if not for your wife's.

If you're like a lot of BHs you're here with a lot of regrets about your marriage, maybe because you made mistakes and/or maybe because your WW is a bully who is gaslighting you. Usually there's both involved.

But this wasn't your idea, and it wasn't your choice. This is on her. You need to expose, you will feel so much better down the road having done it, because you will have stood your ground instead of wishing you could go back and correct the record.

FWIW court orders can be fought, and defeated. Been there, done that. But it depends on the details, so please explain more about your court order.


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Originally Posted by WierdSituation
Thank you very much. What do you think made the people you did not know reply? Not wanting to be involved, supported her or they thought it was just none of their business? What is the situation of your WW now? Any contact? Is she still with the OW/M? Do people still talk to you about it? Did any people outcast you? What do you do if comes up in conversations? Too many unknowns for me. Thanks again.

I don't know why they didn't reply. I think they probably felt more loyalty to my ex or to her AP. Not necessarily that they supported them, but that they didn't want to offend their friend (which I was not). Mutual friends all sided with me, and she cut off contact with them, so they don't hear from her, either. I have absolutely no contact with my ex now. I don't even know where she is unless she's still with her AP. We did not have any children, so it was easy to cut off contact completely. I don't know if she is still with her AP or not, but I doubt it. Statistically they have probably broken up by now. If the affair comes up in conversations I just talk about it. It's not my shame. Two years out, it never comes up anymore, though.

I didn't know you had any legal orders that you were dealing with. Make sure you do not violate any court orders.


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Originally Posted by axslinger85
I think you need to provide more information about the nature of the court order against you. Is it is a restraining order? Is it a temporary ex parte 30-day order with a further hearing or a 1-year/permanent order? Etc etc.

It would be extremely unwise of you to contact anyone you are forbidden by the order to contact, even if for exposure, such as possibly your in-laws. Also consider that your attorneys are probably giving you the MOST cautious advice. They are trying to CYA, it's sort of their job.

Thank you so much.

It is not a restraining order. It is called a 6 month Temporary Order of Protection that expires in mid March.

The Temporary Order of Protection stipulates that I refrain from assault, stalking, harassment, aggravated harassment, menacing, reckless endangerment, strangulation, criminal obstruction of breathing or circulation, disorderly conduct, criminal mischief, sexual abuse, sexual misconduct, forcible touching, intimidation, threats, identity theft, grand larceny, coercion or any criminal offense.

It does not say do not contact anyone. One of the lawyers in the office said that it is forbidden to not let anyone talk to anyone. Yes I can contact her friends her family. Last February the OW had asked my lawyer to tell me not to tell anyone. Now my lawyer says I can talk to anyone.

Unfortunately the OW applied for this order to get full child custody and therefore control.

My lawyers have warned me that 3rd party contact is not good. 3rd party contact means telling other people to tell her something / passing information through other people. This is what exposure does.
That said I really think I need to change these two sentences to some language that does not look like it is 3rd contact but that is 3rd party what I would like but I am not asking you to do so.

1. If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair.
2. As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage.
to
1. I am not allowed by court to ask you something like: If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair.
2. or as our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage.
You cannot say I asked you to say that. Of course if you do it I would appreciate it.

The junior lawyer says now I am half a step ahead of OW in court and that exposure may get the judge angrier because he is already angry with OW and the case. She thinks exposure will throw my case away. Maybe I have 3 options 1. expose before expiry of order, 2. after expiration 3. after divorce settlement or 4. after signing the final papers. I prefer 2 because it is before divorce ends.

Last edited by WierdSituation; 01/15/17 10:04 AM.

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I don't know why they didn't reply. I think they probably felt more loyalty to my ex or to her AP. Not necessarily that they supported them, but that they didn't want to offend their friend (which I was not). Mutual friends all sided with me, and she cut off contact with them, so they don't hear from her, either. I have absolutely no contact with my ex now. I don't even know where she is unless she's still with her AP. We did not have any children, so it was easy to cut off contact completely. I don't know if she is still with her AP or not, but I doubt it. Statistically they have probably broken up by now. If the affair comes up in conversations I just talk about it. It's not my shame. Two years out, it never comes up anymore, though.

I didn't know you had any legal orders that you were dealing with. Make sure you do not violate any court orders. [/quote] Thank you for sharing. What an experience. You sound like you have completely recovered from it. On the post above I have just spelled out the legal part. I am not sure what to do.

Last edited by WierdSituation; 01/15/17 10:15 AM.

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In my jurisdiction (and I think most others) an order of protection and a restraining order are basically the same thing. Keeps one person away from another with the force of law.

I would not ask anyone to contact your WW in your exposure, because that could certainly be construed as harassment and create a paper trail (so to speak) she could use against you in court.

Legally, this could result in further OPs, it could absolutely harm your custody outcome, and it could possibly even harm how the judge awards property. I would consider the best possible custody arrangement more important than a strong plan A right now if I were you.

My $.02: Still expose but simply inform people of what is happening. There is no law against telling the truth. Do not ask them to contact your WW, do not contact anyone yourself whom you are forbidden to contact/harass by the OP. It sucks, but unfortunately an OP constrains what you can do somewhat.

Also, ask your lawyers about getting the OP thrown out. A 6 month OP should require some justification (usually a hearing) and if nothing has happened you may be able to request one. You make it sound as if there would be no grounds for such an order. There's nothing we should know about here, is there?


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
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D Final: 6/4/2015

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Originally Posted by axslinger85
In my situation, I exposed very quickly and my inlaws were split on supportive/not supportive. It's impossible to know for sure but the impression I get is that they did not apply much or any pressure on my ex-wife to do the right thing.

I didn't get many people directly responding to my FB message I sent out, other than someone in OMs family asking me not to contact them.

I confronted OM at his workplace as well.

I did receive a lot of support from friends and family and I do not regret for one second exposing and following a solid Plan A, even 2+ years out from the events.

You cannot know how people will respond in terms of what they say to your WW, and for those that do, you never know who will get through to her (if anyone).

Exposing will at best apply pressure to the affair and at worst help those close to you understand what is almost certainly the worst event of your life up to this point. You need that support right now, so at the least, if you are legally restrained from doing a wide exposure (we need more facts on your court order to advise further there), you should be certain to tell the truth about what has happened to YOUR family and friends.

Divorces are ugly things and people's natural tendency is to distance themselves from the facts of the situation because it makes them uncomfortable. Also most people still consider adultery to be reprehensible so it makes them uncomfortable imagining someone close to them being capable of it.

But these things happen and people who haven't been betrayed have no idea how painful of an experience that is. It is critical that you expose to whatever extent you are legally able to, for your own sake if not for your wife's.

If you're like a lot of BHs you're here with a lot of regrets about your marriage, maybe because you made mistakes and/or maybe because your WW is a bully who is gaslighting you. Usually there's both involved.

But this wasn't your idea, and it wasn't your choice. This is on her. You need to expose, you will feel so much better down the road having done it, because you will have stood your ground instead of wishing you could go back and correct the record.

FWIW court orders can be fought, and defeated. Been there, done that. But it depends on the details, so please explain more about your court order.
Thanks for sharing your story axslinger.

It must have been painful to be asked not contact the OM�s family. Some consequences of exposure seem to concern me.

What is the situation of your WW now?
Is she still with the OM?
Any contact?
What is your relationship with her like now?
Can you expound on the confrontation with OM? What did you?
Sorry to ask all this. I am nervous to expose.

I am thinking to expose to whatever extent I am legally able to as you advised. Unfortunately this will reach to people on my side and will not reach people on her side.

She is definitely gas lighting me. Of course I reacted poorly to denials and her lies during the last 3 years since she went to the foreign country where the A happened. I was not aware of MB. I could have done better. My reaction included resentment and feeling disrespected. The lies took a toll on me and the marriage(and her too I would think) which finally destroyed the marriage. So, yes it is both of us involved.


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Originally Posted by WierdSituation
What is the situation of your WW now?
Is she still with the OM?
Any contact?
What is your relationship with her like now?
Can you expound on the confrontation with OM? What did you?
I just want to point out that you can research anyone's stories by clicking on their name, which is a link. Choose "Show User's Posts" from the menu that appears, and then "topics created" when the list of all their posts appears. You can usually work out which thread contains their story.

In addition, axslinger has a link in his signature, entitled "my story" (go back to his post, and look). If you click that, you will be taken straight to his main thread.



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Originally Posted by axslinger85
In my jurisdiction (and I think most others) an order of protection and a restraining order are basically the same thing. Keeps one person away from another with the force of law.

I would not ask anyone to contact your WW in your exposure, because that could certainly be construed as harassment and create a paper trail (so to speak) she could use against you in court.

Legally, this could result in further OPs, it could absolutely harm your custody outcome, and it could possibly even harm how the judge awards property. I would consider the best possible custody arrangement more important than a strong plan A right now if I were you.

My $.02: Still expose but simply inform people of what is happening. There is no law against telling the truth. Do not ask them to contact your WW, do not contact anyone yourself whom you are forbidden to contact/harass by the OP. It sucks, but unfortunately an OP constrains what you can do somewhat.

Also, ask your lawyers about getting the OP thrown out. A 6 month OP should require some justification (usually a hearing) and if nothing has happened you may be able to request one. You make it sound as if there would be no grounds for such an order. There's nothing we should know about here, is there?
I am really grateful for your advice. I cannot explain how much this means to me. So helpful. And thanks for clarifying OPs and restraining orders. Yes there are the same.

I am not going to ask anyone to ask my WW. What you mentioned about paper trail and harming the custody outcome is exactly what my junior lawyer told me. Further OPs and judge�s reactions are of major concern also.

The current OP does not ask me not to contact anyone.

The lawyers are trying to get the OP thrown out. She applied for OP because her mom was visiting from a far foreign country and she wanted her mom to be with the kids. With the current kids sharing time her mom would have seen the kids only 3 afternoons per week. Instead of asking me for me that she wants her mom to se the kids she wanted to take the kids away through a frivolous motion. She made up accusations and she got the OP.

I agree.
1. I will consider the best possible custody arrangement than a string plan A

Would the letter be like this the?

You mentioned �Still expose but simply inform people of what is happening�. I am trying to understand this sentence especially the "Still expose" part. I am now confused. How should I expose? By letters, phone calls or by mouth? "simply inform what is happening = telling about the affair and the legal proceedings. If by letter would it be like this then?

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of Xxxx and I. As some of you know, Xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation/divorce, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she had an affair with a coworker named xxxx xxxx who now resides in xxxx, foreign country 1 and also still lives in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 near 1 in the pacific region. He is also married and has a young child. His wife was living in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 while he was lIving in city2X, foreign country 2.The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair and other relationships without interference. A few days before I was served the papers she told me out of the blue that she wanted to find an Italian boyfriend. She betrayed me with him in 2012/2013 when I reluctantly agreed that she goes to city2X to work with him for 7 months at xxxxx and this heavily affected our marriage for 3 years because she was lying and denying everything. 3.5 years on she finally admitted to it. She was in city2X, from xxx 2012 till xxx 2013 nearly 7 months while I was alone with very young kids aged 2 and 5, and at the same time I had a full time job in countryX in Europe

While she was living cityX, foreign country 2 OM also had picked her up by car early on a Saturday morning from her apartment in xxx to his place in xxx which is an hour away. He dropped her back at her apartment the following morning (Sunday) around 7am. She refuses to end the affair with him. I want our marriage to recover from this affair and what it has caused. If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end. I do love my wife.

For more about the story go to this link xxxxxxxxxxxx(still to come).

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage. I love her.

The man is xxxx and his contact info is +x xxxx xxxxx xx(country here).

Last edited by WierdSituation; 01/16/17 09:51 AM.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by WierdSituation
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Since you have a court order against you, it might be better that you wait. This seems way too far advanced to effectively break up the affair. When did you separate? When did she file for divorce?

Yes. Good idea to wait. Thank you. We separated in February. She filed for divorce in February. The affair/denying/lying about her relationship and what she had with him led to the demise of the marriage. They are in touch though they are far away from each other and are keeping it simmering.
But as soon as you are done with the court issues you must expose to the OM's BW.
Thank you BrainHurts.
That is solid advice. My question is does �done with court issues� mean when a settlement is done or when you sign the divorce papers? Settlement is when you agree on child custody and splitting the assets. Signing the divorce papers means the case is done you are now divorced. I think I am correct regarding the definitions. Correct me if I am wrong. After which of the two should I expose?


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by WierdSituation
What is the situation of your WW now?
Is she still with the OM?
Any contact?
What is your relationship with her like now?
Can you expound on the confrontation with OM? What did you?
I just want to point out that you can research anyone's stories by clicking on their name, which is a link. Choose "Show User's Posts" from the menu that appears, and then "topics created" when the list of all their posts appears. You can usually work out which thread contains their story.

In addition, axslinger has a link in his signature, entitled "my story" (go back to his post, and look). If you click that, you will be taken straight to his main thread.

Thank you SugarCane.


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Back in 2013 WW had told me that she was moving out her apartment and was going to stay at an apartment of her coworker's dad who was not in the apartment that time because he comes once to the city once in a while. WW had said she was having issues with the owner of the apartment she had been staying. She moved out 4 nights before her end of stay in the city where she working. She was coming back. Yesterday I called the coworker to ask if WW had stayed at her father's place. The coworker said she does not remember, she might have stayed. I asked if WW had stayed at her place instead and she said No. I asked again if she had stayed at her father's place and she said she does not remember. My guess is that WW did not stay at her father's place and instead stayed with the OM before she flew out. What do you make of coworker's reply and the whole think?


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Oh my affair is getting exposed in court by the lawyers. It has already been exposed through a motion. The problem is now she will start telling her friends and OM before I expose it. Any ideas please?


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Originally Posted by WierdSituation
Oh my affair is getting exposed in court by the lawyers. It has already been exposed through a motion. The problem is now she will start telling her friends and OM before I expose it. Any ideas please?
Don't you have a court order that keeps you from contacting her?


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Have you written Dr. Harley?


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by WierdSituation
Oh my affair is getting exposed in court by the lawyers. It has already been exposed through a motion. The problem is now she will start telling her friends and OM before I expose it. Any ideas please?
Don't you have a court order that keeps you from contacting her?

Yes.

The lawyers brought it up in court. I did not contact her.


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you written Dr. Harley?

How does that work? Any email I can use? Thanks.


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