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#2892734 01/17/17 05:32 PM
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This is my first time posting. My wife had a six-month emotional affair with a client, our marriage was not great before I found out. I never would've thought in my entire life that two people could fall so deeply in love that were both married simply by talking on a cell phone, but it happened and it happened bad. It has been over now for three months and the no contact rule is firmly in place and all passwords to email and cell phone records are easily available. We are doing the online accountability program and she absolutely hates it. We've been stuck on the conversion lesson for 3 weeks and looks like we're heading for #4. We are getting most of our undivided attention time in each week, we both have the time to do it and our schedules both allow but she simply doesn't want to. It's very hard to spend 15 hours with someone trying to converse when they simply don't want to. As you all know it's very hard to work this program when only one spouse is on board, and I realize I cannot change the way she thinks. How do you convince a person to change their priorities without trying to change the person? How can I feel comfortable talking to someone who really doesn't want to talk to me? I'm sure my story is no different than anyone else that's been on the site, we have a lot to lose. Three beautiful daughtersages 19, 15, and six. We will be married 20 years on March 1. I've known about the affair for seven months and Ive thought the whole time that if we can just make that 20 year date that we might just make it but one thing I've learned through this mess is that nothing is given when something like this happens to a marriage. I'm still getting a lot of the common wayward type of comments and responses from her so i'm hopeful that we still just need to give it some more time for her to come out of the fog. Please anybody feel free to jump in and tell me what I need to be doing or ask me anything that I've left out

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Did she change her contact information or are you just monitoring her ways of contact?
Are you dure that there has not been any contact whatsoever including her looking at his facebook?


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Welcome to the main forum, Ricky.

I notice that Dr Harley told you to concentrate on making UA time enjoyable for both of you. I would endorse this. I found that, when resentment from me (the BS, in a affair with multiple D Days - much to resent) was so high that it made being pleasant impossible, the way out of this was to have enjoyable dates. We would not try to force conversation, but if we spent time doing interesting things, we found that talking while we did them, or afterwards, gave us the grounds for effortless conversation.

The thing we liked doing back then (over 5 years ago, when my husband's knees were better than they are today), were going for 5-mile walks across the English countryside, where we came across Roman ruins and Anglo-Saxon places of worship, abandoned railway lines, stately homes, and cows - all accessible from a 20-minute drive from home. We also belong to a cinema cub, and while watching old movies does not allow for conversation, going to the pub afterwards gave us topics for conversation. We went to any number of free art galleries and public talks. We went to street markets and antiques fairs, and browsed bookshops. We talked about our reactions to what we had done, and did not try to have intimate conversation when it was too difficult and painful to do so.

Would you mind telling us what you do on dates? How many times per week do you get out of the house, and for how long each time?


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RickyH Offline OP
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First d-day was July 9th 2016
2nd day was Oct 13 2016, this was also burner phone discovery day!!
During this 3 month period I got a very good taste of what infedelity is all about, so many things that I've read here are exactly on target for what my family went through: the things she said, her actions, her reactions, all the same lies and secrets, mood swings, terrible temper tantrums,who she confided in, who she alienated and the list could go on for paragraphs. After saying all of that jibberish, I feel that she has changed enough from that point to support the idea of no contact, she is a totally different person today than she was 3 months ago, still not the wife I once once but most of the behavior has changed for the better, as far as Facebook, we blocked him on that 2nd d-day and he is still blocked today. Her cell phone is a different story, she is a real estate agent and has signs all over town, so changing her cell number would be pointless. As of 2 weeks ago she was still Facebook friends with his wife but it is now blocked also. The OM , who I commonly refer to as yellow belly or YB in MB lingo, and his wife and young son bought their first new home last May and it was off to the races from there. I do also keep a constant monitor of the cell phone usage

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Originally Posted By: RickyH
We are doing the online accountability program and she absolutely hates it. We've been stuck on the conversion lesson for 3 weeks and looks like we're heading for #4. We are getting most of our undivided attention time in each week, we both have the time to do it and our schedules both allow but she simply doesn't want to. It's very hard to spend 15 hours with someone trying to converse when they simply don't want to.


Hi, RickyH,

I have been in the same boat, and now I'm in a happy marriage where my wife loves to talk to me and spend time with me.

I encourage you to focus on what Dr. Harley said: making UA time enjoyable for both of you. When you are having a good time, the conversation you make will be much more enjoyable for your wife. When she is having a good time, she will feel much more like participating in conversation.

Some other tips:
Make conversation with your wife during the day. Use phone calls, email, text messenger, phone texts, or whatever is convenient. Invite her to tell you how she is doing and how she is feeling.

Read the friends and enemies of good conversation daily. In fact, read the entire conversation chapter of His Needs Her Needs, daily.

Practice those friends of good conversation like crazy. You can do this even if she isn't interested in participating. Use conversation to investigate and understand your wife - ask her questions about how she is feeling, and listen and seek to understand. Develop interest in her favorite topics of conversation.

Along those lines, look for new topics that might interest both of you. When my wife and I were rebuilding our relationship, the current news was the royal wedding of Will and Kate in England. I have no idea why we found this interesting, but we both found it interesting and fun to talk to each other about it and send each other articles to discuss.

Make absolutely, ruthlessly, totally sure that you never engage in any of the enemies of good conversation. Get some feedback from your coach, and/or from Dr. Harley, and/or from us, looking really hard for anything you might be saying that is disrespectful to her, or demanding, or angry.

Make sure that you never talk about the program as being something that is being done because of her affair. These are the things any couple would have to do to have a good marriage.

Bolster your efforts at conversation by trying to make love bank deposits any where else you can. Be affectionate. Leave her notes. Buy her flowers. Express admiration to her. Help her out in concrete ways that she is likely to appreciate.

As your balance in your wife's love bank rises, she will eventually respond to you. You won't need to change her mind about anything, and you can't change her mind about anything, so just keep focusing on learning to make bigger and bigger love bank deposits, because this is what will change her feelings toward you.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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1 month after d-day #2 we went alone to Southern California, we walked 90 minutes each morning and we're together for 5 days straight with no breaks at all, not one Harsh word or talk about our marriage, it couldn't have gone any better! Home is farm in the midwest, our kids are in school and we have complete control during the day, schedule permitting to get our time logged. We've been out to eat several times, to the movies, a few trips to bigger outlying cities, I try to go to work with her and keep her on task some, but most of our time has been at home trying to muddle through this, not what would be considered enjoyable. I've got to create a plan to get her having fun in this marriage or I'm going to fail!!

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One thing that forgot to mention, I'm not a great communicator, and she is probably the best.. Big hurdle

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Originally Posted By: RickyH
most of our time has been at home trying to muddle through this, not what would be considered enjoyable. I've got to create a plan to get her having fun in this marriage or I'm going to fail!!

Oh dear dear dear.... this really won't do. You can't do UA time at home. That is simply called "staying at home" - i.e. doing that you've already been doing to get your marriage into the state it's in.

You need to get out of the home (without the kids) four or five times a week; meet her for lunch, or go to the gym together, or take dance lessons, or walk, cycle or run. Explore every possible activity within a half-hour's drive from your home; markets, exhibitions, show homes, shopping centres, leisure centres.

Sit down on Sunday evenings and book your week ahead. Dates must be scheduled first, and you must meet the 15 hours (out of the home) that Dr Harley has tasked you with. Other things, like seeing family, and kids activities, can be scheduled only when and if you can book times for all your dates.


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Originally Posted By: RickyH
1 month after d-day #2 we went alone to Southern California, we walked 90 minutes each morning and we're together for 5 days straight with no breaks at all, not one Harsh word or talk about our marriage, it couldn't have gone any better!

You near to re-create that on a near-daily basis, at home. Yes, you need to work for several hours a day, but you can find time to do what you did then, only back in your own town (not in the house).


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Originally Posted By: RickyH
One thing that forgot to mention, I'm not a great communicator, and she is probably the best.. Big hurdle

You can learn to be. That is what markos is telling you to do. This is something you need to practice several times a day.


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You guys are good, when we're spending time at home it is alone, but we will change that part to getting out and doing something different. Our talks at home that have been on the schedule have been good for me but probably just so so or less for miss communicator.

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Did you ever expose this affair?

I am wondering because you said that she was FB friends with the OM's BW until recently. This makes me think his wife is still in the dark...

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As far as I know, she is still in the dark, but no one on our side is!! All family members know, the church, our pastor, and all close friends know.

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You should also expose on his end, specifically to his BW. What a slap in the face to her that your wife still has her as a FB 'friend' frown

Exposing to his BW will give him accountability and make it less likely for him to try to contact your wife. And, it is the right thing to do.

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How right you are, thank you!! Do you think that 3 months after the fact may hinder our so called progress? I do realize that It is only the right thing to do, I've put myself in her shoes many times!

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Originally Posted By: RickyH
How right you are, thank you!! Do you think that 3 months after the fact may hinder our so called progress? I do realize that It is only the right thing to do, I've put myself in her shoes many times!


Your wife may be upset, but the OMW's right and need to know supersedes her feelings. Keeping the affair a secret harms everyone, especially you and your wife. The goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wife's anger at all cost.

It will hinder your progress in the long run if the OM's wife doesn't know because it leaves that door open for your wife to pursue her husband.

I would quietly pick up the phone and inform his wife, without forewarning your wife. See how long it takes her to find out. wink


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Exposure never works well when it is half done. Also
the OMW deserves the truth so get his side of the
exposure done today.

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Is there such a thing as one step forward and two steps back, when things are already about as far back as they could possibly be? She really won't give an inch and after 3 plus months that is very discouraging. She still sleeps in our bed and things are fairly peaceful as long as I keep my distance and do no pushing at all. When I'm able to only use friends in our conversation we do ok, but nothing is given in return, it's very much like she knows exactly what it's going to take to sabotage progress.. Would Someone give me a good definition of wayward means?

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As long as you don't do a proper exposure, you will not get forward.

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How is it going with UA time out of the house as suggested?

Also, have you read through the love busters and are you committing any of those? I know for my husband, we were going on dates and spending a lot of UA time, but for a long time he was continuing to lovebust even on dates and that made them unenjoyable to me. These were things he had done for years and didn't really even realize they were LB's. Does she have any complaints about you that you are overlooking?

I am concerned that there is continued contact. You said up until a couple weeks ago she still had OM's BW on FB. This is CONTACT and will keep her in the fog. No contact means not even googling him on the Internet. I am also concerned that her job creates an atmosphere where she cannot change her phone# and she still has access to him, and he hasn't even been exposed to his wife. What is to prevent him from contacting her? Until all avenues of contact are closed, whether they are deceitful on her part (like she is still having an affair and has a burner phone), or they are looking at his FB page or accidently running into him, this will all keep her in the fog.

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