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I agree that we should not be discussing OM and A. I agree that I should not have postponed date night. I agree we are not working hard enough to ensure that the A does not happen again.

I believe WW still feels that the A was caused as much by my lack of meeting her ENs as by her poor decisions and boundaries. I think she may feel that the improvement to meeting ENs is because of A, not because of our discussing the ENs themselves. I think she is still in withdrawal, and is still blaming me for the A.

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Originally Posted by Forgedfe
I believe WW still feels that the A was caused as much by my lack of meeting her ENs as by her poor decisions and boundaries. I think she may feel that the improvement to meeting ENs is because of A, not because of our discussing the ENs themselves. I think she is still in withdrawal, and is still blaming me for the A.
What she thinks about these things is irrelevant, as long as you and she both work the programme properly - and in fact, you are disrespectfully judging her by making these suppositions.

The fact that you hold those beliefs in your head will affect the enthusiasm with which you (specifically YOU) tackle recovery. Unless your wife has specifically told you, within the last few days, that that affair was due to your lack of EN meeting, and that you are only improving your EN meeting because of the affair, and that the affair is your fault, you cannot know that she holds these thoughts. But if you believe that she holds them, you will be looking for some extraordinary display of her remorse - such as the self-loathing that you described earlier - which will not improve your marriage at all. She can loathe herself no end, but that won't make her fall in love with you, or you with her.

As to her supposed belief that you are only now trying t meet her ENs because of the affair: really, it does not matter why you do it - only that you do it, and for life. The whole point about Dr Harley's recovery programme is that most couples end up with an improved marriage because of the affair.

They learn how to effectively meet ENs because of the affair.

They learn how not to love bust because of the affair.

They learn that they need to spend 15 hours per week on UA because of the affair.

They learn how to apply effective boundaries against intimacy with the opposite sex because of the affair.

They learn how to be transparent and interdependent with each other because of the affair.

Learning how to improve your marriage, because of the affair, is not a bad thing - it is the way this happens for coupes who survive an affair. The only goal is to have a romantic, affair-proof marriage. With that, resentment about the past will fade, and the original motivation for improving the marriage will not matter.


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As far as making LB deposits by babysitting, keep in mind that UA time is designed to fill the 4 most INTIMATE needs. While many women have a need for domestic support, filling that need does not make the same deposits as filling an intimate need. That is why Dr Harley does not say, clean the house for 15-20 hours a week. He instead advises couples to spend 15-20 hours a week in UA time filling intimate needs.



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Has your WW listened to the radio clips in here?
What is Just Compensation?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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We listened to the clips last night. WW had read the articles yesterday. We discussed how forgiveness is tied to just compensation. I also pointed out that she would need to forgive me for my past failures so that we would not revisit them. She had a tendency in the past of using those failures to lash out at me.

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We had 5 hours of UA today, our first real date in a long time. It was awesome. Fancy clothes, fancy restaurant, and SF for appetizers 8). We have another scheduled for Tuesday.

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So, here is another update. WW and I have spent every moment together since Friday, when she went to the gathering with the church ladies. She was exactly on schedule that evening, and has thanked me repeatedly for making it possible for her to go. We had a five hour date Saturday. We had a two hour date yesterday; her friend returned my favor from Friday. We have scheduled another date for tomorrow. The kids are enjoying time with grandma and grandpa!

I am not cherry picking through the program this time. We are both determined to make this work. We are ordering the online program next. I'm not sure if we should get the accountability program, we are both committed to do the work required.

VAR has been moved all over and has not picked up anything inappropriate. WW has not discussed OM or A with anyone. She has shared her communication with me. So far the only trouble I saw was that she was discussing facili-SIL's relationship problems. I suggested that she tell her she is not willing or able to concern herself with those issues while we focus on our own.

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Originally Posted by Forgedfe
So, here is another update. WW and I have spent every moment together since Friday, when she went to the gathering with the church ladies. She was exactly on schedule that evening, and has thanked me repeatedly for making it possible for her to go. We had a five hour date Saturday. We had a two hour date yesterday; her friend returned my favor from Friday. We have scheduled another date for tomorrow. The kids are enjoying time with grandma and grandpa!

This all sounds great, Forged.

How many hours of UA time are you getting exactly though? (outside of house, w/o kids)

And are you sitting down each down week and scheduling it out?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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We have been getting approx 12-15 hours outside of house, and 4-5 hours of SF. We are both thoroughly enjoying the effects of T injections.

We have scheduled UA away from home every Tuesday evening, and every Saturday. The SF has not been scheduled. Since it is one of WW's most important EN, we both agree once the testosterone novelty wears off we may need to schedule that as well.

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It's been a while since my last post. Things were going well. We are trying to sell our house, but are stuck until it sells due to debt.

Up until a two weeks ago we were getting 15-20 hours of UA time, and everything seemed good. I have consistently monitored WW's phone calls, texts, and used a roaming VAR, switching it between the house and her car. I have done this every day. On Friday, I was happy to hear her in the car VAR recording listening to "How to Help Your Spouse Recover From Your Affair". As I listened I realized that the length of time was longer than the trip to the kids school. I stopped scanning and listened closer. Then I heard the sound of a diesel and OM's voice.

At that point I asked for her phone and checked her location history. I saw that she had met him at a location near his house that day and the Friday before. I confronted her in a way that would allow her to explain honestly, but she lied to me. I showed her the proof and she immediately broke down in apologetic tears. She made various claims about why she contacted him, and claimed they only talked.

I told her I don't believe her claims, and don't want to talk to her.

I feel like I need to plan b but won't leave the house or kids.

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I'm very sorry Forged. Ugs.

Unfortunately, as we tried to explain to you, you will keep getting hit by the D-day train until you can get out of there.

The worse thing a BS can do (this is for others reading) is to think they are safe from their WS when the WS (a) express remorse, (b) denounce the OP or (c) act "different" than they did before exposure, etc.

Can you rent out your house so that you can move now??



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2 kids
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I have tried to find somewhere to rent, but we have no savings, and large debt. I am praying that I can quickly sell some of my blacksmithing equipment to make renting something a possibility. I am not sure we could rent our house for enough to cover the mortgage, and that is half of my income.

I am not sure if this is worth it anymore. She started begging for me not to leave her tonight. I pointed out that she was the one who left me, for a rapist. I asked for space, but she persisted. Despite my better judgement, I asked her how many times she has seen him since NC was sent. She said three times. She claimed they did nothing but talk. When I told her I did not believe her, she finally claimed they kissed. I am sure more happened, but don't even want to know right now. I pointed out that she obviously did not want our M, since she continued to be with the rapist.

I really don't know how I can get past this. I am looking now for polygraph service in our area. That may help, but I doubt it. I have read the Poly thread, and will make a question list from those guidelines.

She is going to IC tomorrow. I strongly encouraged her to do so, since she is clearly not making good decisions.

I am numb. I have not shed a tear this time.

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Yes I would definitely follow through with a poly and you need to re-expose this to everyone.

IC will not help.


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I am planning the exposure now. OM threatened me with bodily harm if I contacted his family again, and they were absolutely no help last time. He went to jail for that very thing with his XW boyfriend, so I take his threat seriously. I will start with exposure to WW family.

IC might help with suicidal thoughts, which she has expressed. I do not expect it to help M at all.

I have asked WW for a list of contacts since NC. I will then ask at Polygraph if the list is complete and factual. I think I can ask 3 questions, so I will choose carefully.

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I have exposed to her family and friends. We have spoken with our pastor. I called the only polygraph provider in town and the rate is $650. I will check to see if Buffalo is cheaper. I really think that is my only hope to start believing what she says.

I am looking for a rental that we can afford. I don't want to pull the kids from school midyear, so I will have to drive them daily. I will talk to FIL to see if he can help us find somewhere to stay. I wish we could have just dropped everything and ran.

She keeps apologizing and then minimizing her actions. I have withdrawn to protect myself.


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So far I have not found a polygraph tester that does fidelity testing. Even the $650 test is only for criminal cases. Is this common?

What other options are there ? I need some truth serum ;!

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Have you tried this? Polygraph Testing


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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I did read that thread and read online about types of polygraph tests. Perhaps I shouldn't have specified fidelity. I'm not sure what the difference is.

Last night WW tried to swear on the bible that she wouldn't lie to me again. I reminded her that she had already sworn that way three months ago.

I guess I should feel fortunate that she wants to save marriage, but I don't even know who she is anymore.

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Maybe this is an option if not too far away.. $400 Lie Detector test . Otherwise try searching under "lie detector" Testing instead of polygraph testing.


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Search "Buffalo Ny Lie detector" and a few lines down there's an add for $198- . Prob referral service but did you call them?

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