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I have been reading this site like crazy for weeks now, after having a series of D-days in 2016 which WH somehow explained his way out of, culminating in a final one at the end of our family holiday in January. It was then that I shook myself out of denial and started thinking properly. I collected evidence (including pics of genitals he sent - nice) and went all out on exposure this evening. But he is now so mad I am scared - and I don't know where to go from here. He has taken my phone, he comandeered my computer, changed all my email passwords, and spent literally hours locked in my study trying to delete the evidence I had found. He says he can't stand to see my face. We live in a foreign country so I am totally alone here, thousands of miles from any support from family or friends, and I don't know how to proceed with Plan A from here. How long can exposure anger last? How do you transition to trying to be a great partner from this? I would appreciate any advice anyone can give. The posts on this forum are such an amazing support and source of advice.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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We have been together for 10 years, married for 8. Four children (three boys 7, 6 and 5, one of whom is from a previous affair, and a baby girl of 8 months). I actually think he has never been faithful for any period during our entire relationship. So not sure whether there is anything to salvage in our marriage. But he is an amazing father and I hate the idea that our kids would grow up not living with the father they love so much.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Hello C/C, welcome to Marriage Builders. If you are scared, you should leave and go to a safe place with your children. I would also make plans to get back to your home country with your family.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you for the quick response Melody Lane. We are in a country where I need my husband's permission to take the children across the border, which makes the situation difficult. I think i will be able to organise to move with them by June, but I am not sure what to do right now. Is there any experience on this forum of how long exposure anger lasts?


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
Thank you for the quick response Melody Lane. We are in a country where I need my husband's permission to take the children across the border, which makes the situation difficult. I think i will be able to organise to move with them by June, but I am not sure what to do right now. Is there any experience on this forum of how long exposure anger lasts?

It can last for 1 hour to 2 weeks. You need to get away from him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Should i be trying to be calm and loving during this time? He is being extremely nasty and cruel and it is very hard to experience that.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I took the decision to not expose him at work, even though the affair is at work with a subordinate of his. He is the boss of a country office so there is no one above him in the country that I could alert. Is that a mistake? I am worried that because most of the people I have exposed to are not in the same country with us that there will not be sufficient pressure on him to end the affair. However, he has already signed a contract for a new job in a different country that starts at the beginning of May, so we are supposed to be leaving anyway. In the new country, he will definitely not be able to see the OW anymore. And since the new job is with the same company, I was worried that exposure might actually jeopardise this new job, which would be shooting myself in the foot somewhat. Did I make the right decision?


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Is the OW married? Who on the OW's side have you exposed to? Doesn't your WH have an HR department or a boss?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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You may have to lay low and convince him, that you will be staying in your own country for some time with the children untill he is settled in his new job.

If you were to take your children back to your home country now (even if he would let you) and not bring them back to their father, it might well be considered international child abduction ans you would stand the chance of losing them.

You must get legal help, for example via your parents who could consult a lawyer, specializing in international family law. To find out what your rights and possibilities are. And you must never again put yourself and the children in a position where you illoyal husband has all the power. He is a serial cheater from what you tell us and recovery will be very difficult even in a "normal" situation.


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Hi BrainHurts,

No, she is not married. She is a single mother. I have exposed to her facebook friends list through private message and I am just going through the process of receiving a fair few abusive comments back. I guess it is to be expected. A couple of the people on there work with them both. There is a local HR department for his office, but they report to him. So I would be exposing him to his subordinates and I am not sure if that would be effective in achieving the outcome of stopping the affair, especially since he has already told his whole staff that he is moving countries.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Thank you Happy Heart. Yes, the border crossing rule is specifically to prevent child abduction....which I guess is a good thing. I think, rationally, I will not be able to make a move until he leaves the country. So that will be the start of Plan B. It means a two-month long Plan A, which is going to be hard but I will try to be strong. The only other option is to try to throw him out before that, but I think that might be counter productive if the affair is not finished. I would just be giving him space to have fun.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Don't report him locally, report him at the corporate love. From what you've described about him being company head in-country, I can tell he works for a large corporation who will likely have an Ethics & Compliance Helpline. You can go to the company's website on the internet and look for it. Call the number and tell them he is having an affair with a subordinate. Many companies will look the other way at affairs but they will not look the other way if it is a supervisor-subordinate relationship because that creates all kinds of issues for them.

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Can you post the abusive comments you got back? People may also help with how to respond. My understanding is that it should be exposed at work no matter what. I would expose to his bosses in the headquarters, people who gave him the new job, people in the workplace in the country where the new job is. This will have the best effect. Do not avoid doing it because of your fear. Shine the light on him.

Do not worry him losing a job. Worry about losing you marriage. Jobs will come and they are plenty. Your marriage is only one and it will not come back.

Even if he moves to another country he still can see OW - plenty of opportunities. The world has become small. He can even visit her under the shadow of business trips. Too easy to do. I am in the same situation - international affair from my WW. The affair is kept simmering. So, please destroy the affair with maximum power and no remorse.


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Report to all country managers and their super bosses all over the world also. Maximum effect.


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Originally Posted by WierdSituation
Can you post the abusive comments you got back? People may also help with how to respond.
You don't need to respond to abusive comments. We don't need to see them here. This could be very upsetting for people contemplating exposure.

Some people will support you, and some will support OW. That is to be expected. Ignore any comments that are abusive.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Thank you SugarCane. Yes, I just decided not to respond. I would not gain anything apart from degrading myself by starting (or reacting) to fights with friends of the OW. Of course it is reasonable and predictable that her friends would support her, at least in front of me. The purpose of exposure was not to get people to take my side but just to bring the whole thing out in the open so that they cannot hide anymore.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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It seems like the facebook exposure actually got all around their office anyway. So I think the objective was achieved. Exposure is not for the feint hearted - a very scary process - but I can see that it was essential if there is to be any future at all.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
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WH has been sending me extremely angry and abusive messages all day - he is at work now - and I am scared of him when he is angry. Should I lock him out of the house? But what happens then? I guess I could tell him he can send an intermediary to pick up anything he needs. I do not want any violence in front of our children. Also, should I respond to his angry remarks in any way (calm, reasonable) or just not respond at all and wait for it to blow over?

It is really hurtful that he is being so nasty. He is telling me he regrets the day he met me, etc. All because people now know what he has been doing. I guess in the fog he can never understand that it is not me who created this situation, but him. Any advice appreciated.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
WH has been sending me extremely angry and abusive messages all day - he is at work now - and I am scared of him when he is angry. Should I lock him out of the house? But what happens then? I guess I could tell him he can send an intermediary to pick up anything he needs. I do not want any violence in front of our children. Also, should I respond to his angry remarks in any way (calm, reasonable) or just not respond at all and wait for it to blow over?
You should lock him out and send the message, as planned.

Respond to any violence, including shouting and cursing, by calling the police.

Make contact with your embassy or consulate, and get their help with the situation you are in. At least be clear about your rights to leave the country with your children. Find out whether you can go before a judge to make that happen. It might not be true that you simply need to put up with this situation for another two months.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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PS: how do you know that he won't agree to your leaving with the kids? Why would he try to keep you there?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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