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Thanks Living Well. That's good advice - I have now hidden the passports and important documents just in case.

I packed up all his stuff into suitcases this morning. He said he would come and collect them at 11am. He didn't. Then he said he would come by 1pm, didn't turn up, and then called to say he won't now be available until 5pm. I suspect he just wants to leave it late because he thinks he can get back into the house if he comes at 5pm. So I have moved them out onto the road in the rain.

I am not mad, but I feel that this behaviour really exemplifies his disrespect for me: he can move mountains to find time for dates with OW, but can't even take 10 mins out of his work day to collect his stuff when my time is involved. So his suitcases are getting really wet now.



BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I also spoke to the children's school to make them aware of the situation, and to let them know that I have told the children what is going on in case there are any tears at school. The school said they will implement my wishes that the children are not allowed to leave with WH, but they were worried that he might get a court order to enable him to. We are in an African country and therefore a father's rights over their children are held in high regard. To protect myself, I am now going to ask our embassy to give me written confirmation of my conversations with them so that if I was called to court I can demonstrate that I raised my concerns about the children first. Any other ideas about how I can protect the children?


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Yes, great idea to alert the school.

Best way to protect your children is to tell them the truth about what is going on. Have you done that? Every one of them except your baby needs to know what your husband has done. Keep it factual. Do not be surprised at how much they have already guessed, children are big snoopers.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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Yes, i have told them. I said this: "Papa has a girlfriend and that is not allowed when you are married. I have packed up his stuff because he has not agreed to break up with his girlfriend. I love him and I want him to come back home, but he can't be at home when he still has a girlfriend because that hurts me very much."


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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But he is outside in the garage right now asking the kids to choose between me and him. I am really glad I spoke to them first and emphasised how we all love him, and want him to come home to us, but that he can't do that when he still has a girlfriend because that will make me cry every day.

However, what do I do when he is telling the kids that I am telling lies about him? He is telling them he doesn't have a girlfriend. Sigh. They are so small (7, 6 and 5) so I guess they won't understand. But if I continue to remind them that I love him and I want him to come home then maybe they will get it.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
However, what do I do when he is telling the kids that I am telling lies about him? He is telling them he doesn't have a girlfriend. Sigh. They are so small (7, 6 and 5) so I guess they won't understand. But if I continue to remind them that I love him and I want him to come home then maybe they will get it.


So glad you told the children. They understand more than you think. If they ask you questions, answer them honestly. Otherwise let them process in peace.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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Thank you Goody2Shoes - I will start documenting right now! I am so grateful for all this advice. I wouldn't know what to do without being guided like this.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Thank you Living Well. Yes, I am also really glad to have told the kids. I was really reluctant about it at first - there seems to be so much bias in society about giving children information - but I was surprised how matter-of-fact they were. And it made it so much easier to update them with developments when he moved out of the house just now and came to get his clothes. If I hadn't explained everything to them first, he would have had complete power over the situation and would have been able to manipulate them into thinking I am throwing him out - rather than him choosing to leave his family by virtue of breaking his marriage vows.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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If your children are that young, their schooling will not be affected by moving back to your base country immediately. I recently retired from a very senior position in a large oil and gas company who had country heads like you describe as being your husband's position. I also know that for your husband's company to have country heads who are expats that he works for a very large entity, as well, which means they have and Ethics & Compliance Office and an Ethics & Compliance Helpline to who you can report what is going on. If they are using company time and company resources to conduct their affairs, it is a violation of the company's Code of Conduct and it will be stopped. Also, if you contact Human Resources in the corporate headquarters and tell them what is going on, I strongly suspect they will repatriate you very quickly without any need to worry about leaving the country. These large corporations have very good relations with the local governments and will step in if your husband tries to pull something stupid.


Last edited by Brits_Brat; 02/21/17 10:57 AM.
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Thanks Brits Brat, we are from two different countries with two different languages (English and French) and we work in development rather than private sector. My husband was recruited locally to the position in the country we live in now, which is foreign to both of us, and therefore does not have a repatriation package. It is very complicated actually.

I work across the border in the neighbouring country and it would be most practical for me to move the children there now that we have moved into Plan B. If I moved them back to my home country, I would not have a job to be able to support them or even to pay for plane tickets. And I am quite daunted by the idea of being single with four kids and not being able to afford house help (which is one of the benefits of living in a developing country).



BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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My husband came to collect all his clothes that I had packed yesterday evening. He spent an hour or so with the kids in the garage giving them his version of events, but then left quietly. I guess I am now fully in Plan B. I gave him a hard copy of the plan B letter, explaining that I love him and want him to come home if he can stop his affair and commit to a lifestyle where we eliminate risks of future cheating, but he refused to take it (I sent it by email to, to both him and his OW, so I know he has a copy though). He also made a big show of calling his parents as he was walking out the door, telling them angrily how unreasonable I am, how I am making demands he can't accept as a man, how he has apologised but I am still throwing him out, how I am making him sleep outside "like a dog" etc. I suspect his family don't agree with my course of action anymore, despite being supportive of me initially. They are firmly of the belief that a "man" should have his freedoms. But all in all, I am relieved at the calmness that has come back to our house. The kids and I have decided to pray for God to open Papa's eyes so that he changes his mind and comes back to us in addition to saying grace every mealtime. I think that helps them keep in mind that it is him that needs to change, not me.

I am really sad now, I guess I am starting my own withdrawal, but I know it is the right thing to do because he would never change if I continued to enable him. He still might not change now, but at least there is a chance.

I have also been contacted by the best friend of OW, one of the people I exposed to through facebook, threatening to make a complaint that my husband used his position at work to get sexual favours. Should I do anything about that message? My instinct is just to ignore it, but take it as a sign that exposure is having the desired effect in destabilising the OW and therefore the relationship.

My worry right now is that my husband has three week-long work trips starting on Monday, so the impact of Plan B and exposure might be less since he is essentially escaping the mess here at home. I asked him to cancel them but he refused - but I guess that shows I had no option other than to continue with Plan B since he was obviously not prioritising marriage at all.

The kids seem to be taking everything really well, so I am really proud of them.



BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Good job. How is your support system? When you first go into Plan B it will be emotional, but it will get better especially if you're dark and don't hear any garbage from your WH. Do you have an IM?

And make sure you are documenting everything.

Also, the comment from the OW's BF about him using his position to get sexual favours could be truthful and that is all on your WH's head. If he gets a sexual harassment complaint because of his affair is one of the consequences due to his choice of having an affair.

Have you read the parallel parenting thread that is in the Plan B thread?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi Brain Hurts,

Support system is OK but not great. I have a couple of good friends here, but they are the wives of my husband's friends and I have noticed that other married people tend to withdraw into themselves when one couple is going through serious challenges.

I have told my family back home what is going on, but I have been a very independent person for my whole life, so I am not sure they would know how to support me emotionally if I needed it. My husband's family were initially very supportive of me, but I think they now don't agree with me throwing him out of the house, so I might have lost that support.

At least I have a job which gives me something to keep my mind occupied and I have the kids who are such a joy.

I am getting to work documenting everything now.



BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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PS. Yes, I have an intermediary now and yes I have read the parallel parenting thread (very useful). I have told my husband that he will be able to take the kids every Saturday, liaising with the IM about a suitable place and time where the kids can meet him. But he is travelling for the next 3 weeks and said he will not see the kids. I don't know if I should push it (by asking the IM to send him a reminder message on Saturday morning) or just leave it at that.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Just leave it at that, but make sure to document that you offered for him to see the kids but that he didn't. Don't do anything extra for him. Let him deal with everything so gets the full experience of not having his family around. Another consequence of his choices to have an affair.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I am so so sad. I have lost my best friend. This is really hard.

My friends here seem to not be supportive of Plan B or of telling the children - although my family back home do.

Does anyone have any advice for getting through this real low period at the start of plan B?


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I am so so sad. I have lost my best friend. This is really hard.

My friends here seem to not be supportive of Plan B or of telling the children - although my family back home do.

Does anyone have any advice for getting through this real low period at the start of plan B?

Hi CNC!
I used to live in Africa... welcome to MB.

The best thing is to keep yourself busy with things you like. Play with the kids, paint your toe nails... whatever craft or fun hobby- good moment for it.
Do not go talking to friends and family about all of this. Believe it or not- it keeps it on your mind and hurts your heart worse.
So try to stop talking about him and just go pamper yourself as much as you can.
I even made a list on my phone of ideas to do when I felt bad and couldn't think. I made a list of my favorite things to think about other than husband as well. Puppy dogs. Flowers. Rainbows. Etc. I got a lot of those pics on my phone and would look at them!!!



BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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Thanks a lot Elania. Yes, I will try to keep my mind off everything. I have realised that talking to other people is a bit soul destroying. They always have different opinions about what is the "best" thing to do and can't really empathise with my situation.

I have a question about a hypothetical future: if he decides to come back hat in hand but still refuses to be honest about all the things that he has done, is it possible to move forward? Does that depend on whether or not I can accept that I will never know the truth? Or is full confession an essential part of his personal commitment to creating a new marriage for the future? I have read the article and letters on the website about Just Compensation, but knowing my husband I am not sure I will ever get the truth.

Have any other MBers moved forward with recovery without 100% honesty about the affair/s?


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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One more question: is once a week for a day too much or too little contact between my husband and the kids? I have no idea what is an appropriate amount of contact time. In the Plan B letter I committed to one day per week, but I am now wondering if I should keep every other Saturday for me to be with the kids myself. Otherwise I only get the chore part of looking after them, not the fun days.

It is important that he feels the loss of his family and all the benefits from marriage. But the kids love their father too. Any advice appreciated.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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