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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789 Likes: 4
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Divorce is detrimental to your marriage. Adultery and lies are bad for your children.
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
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When a therapist says the approach is bad because it will be detrimental to saving the marriage AND more importantly bad for the kids, I am using logic. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist who has specialized in affairs for 45 years. I would say following his advice is logical. It is also logical to think that lies and deceit (versus telling the truth), and a family falling apart with parents who divorce, is NOT good for kids. Thinking that lying to kids and enabling an affair while your family falls apart is good for them is NOT logical. Sorry.
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Joined: Apr 2012
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When a highly respected divorce lawyer says that doing this may cause harm to my case (assuming my wife doesn't reconcile with me which seems norm for the course for most people posting here), then I am using logic. Your divorce attorney job is to facilitate a divorce. If that is your goal too (vs reconciliation or doing the right thing or telling your kids the truth), than yes, it is logical for you to follow his/her advice.
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Joined: Apr 2012
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I really don't appreciate your disrespecting attitude. You can cut people some slack since we're all here with high emotions. You are welcome to ignore my posts if you don't like them. I am taking the time to post to you because you say you want reconciliation, yet you are doing the exact opposite necessary to achieve that. People here posting are doing so because they CARE about you and your marriage. How much good would it do you for any poster to pat you on the back and say its going to be OK, when the reality is you will soon be divorced because of your inaction. That is not something anyone here is going to do.
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My point for posting again is that I have new info. The Other man may be dating someone else in addition to my wife. What do you all think of that? I think it will not make any difference in your situation. Good luck.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,469 Likes: 4
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More time has passed and yet you continue to let FEAR (not logic) drive your decisions. When a therapist says the approach is bad because it will be detrimental to saving the marriage AND more importantly bad for the kids, I am using logic. When a highly respected divorce lawyer says that doing this may cause harm to my case (assuming my wife doesn't reconcile with me which seems norm for the course for most people posting here), then I am using logic. I really don't appreciate your disrespecting attitude. You can cut people some slack since we're all here with high emotions. My point for posting again is that I have new info. The Other man may be dating someone else in addition to my wife. What do you all think of that? I wonder how many marriages your therapist has actually saved? If you were using logic you would follow Dr. Harley's Plan and has been very successful. That is logical. We see over and over that Lawyers advise against exposure because they want their job to be easy and that requires them to do as little as work as possible. They don't want to advise anything that might help keep the marriage together because then they lose a client. Is that logical? Read this Exposing to Children
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2016
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OP
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Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 19 |
She has saved a lot. But the difference is that she knows more of my details and how my wife could potentially react. There is logic in there too.
The reason why I linger here is because I can see the logic in this approach too. Both approaches can be logical. It's not always so binary, not so black and white.
I don't believe the lawyer is advising this because he doesn't want to work as hard. I truly believe he feels that it would endanger the custody issue. By how much? I do not know.
I have been reading the forum thread on how to tell the kids and they speak of telling the kids in a matter of fact way without bad mouthing the wife. One person suggested writing down exactly what you say so the judge can see you want to be honest with the kids. Though I'm not sure legally documenting what you say will have any legal sway with a judge. The posters on these threads are not legal experts so I have to take any advice with a grain of salt.
However, I do appreciate the advice.
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 217
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 217 |
TheHopefulOne, the purpose of our free forum is to help posters use and implement the Marriage Builders program. The advice they are giving you comes from Dr. Bill Harley, the owner of Marriage Builders, so if you plan to dismiss that advice, there is no point in posting here. Your comment that you should take it with a grain of salt is very disrespectful to the forum host and the volunteers who are taking their time to post to you. If you are seeking legal advice, then you should consult with your attorney. We offer marriage advice here.
If you don't intend to take the advice and use these concepts, we will lock this thread.
MBDenali@gmail.com
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Children
by BrainHurts - 10/19/24 03:02 PM
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