Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
L
Member
Online Content
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
Rob; whether your wife wants to come back when OM dies or not is something that you can control. Of course she is obsessed with OM right now. But remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? Be the tortoise.

Her plan to move in with OM and care for him is ridiculous. The equipment that would be needed is unimaginably expensive; I have a friend who is a long term paraplegic and his entire house had to be adapted from top to bottom. OM needs to remain in his care home.

Yes, she thinks that the marriage is gone. That is called 'the fog'. Just keep making yourself the attractive option and keep that door open. You have DD too, that is important. Make sure she can give her mother cheerful reports on how well things are going for you both.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
Hi living well,thanks for your reply.I looked on WW emails and OM has paid for about 3 thousand pounds worth of care equipment and it is being delivered today to a home address.So they must have a place together.I feel sick.don't know what to do

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
L
Member
Online Content
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: rob68
Hi living well,thanks for your reply.I looked on WW emails and OM has paid for about 3 thousand pounds worth of care equipment and it is being delivered today to a home address.So they must have a place together.I feel sick.don't know what to do


What you are going to do is be patient. This gets more fragile by the minute; 3,000 is a drop in the bucket. She will not even be able to lift him. :-)


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
It's strange,i felt such turmoil when i posted my last post before this one.
Then this nice calming effect came over me and I feel alright.I'm not religious or anything but feel quite good.Almost as if a higher power came over me.

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
I've noticed that you roll with your feelings and feelings are capricious. You need to set a plan and stick with it regardless of how you feel in the moment.

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
Thanks for your post justthe3ofus.Not sure what capricious means.
I'M not sure how i feel anymore,to be honest.Don't know whether I feel ok because maybe i'm moving on I really don't know.Could be crying tommorow,who knows.I suppose my plan is hope WW reads plan A then wait for a bit.I guess the bottom line line is you have to feel ok with yourself.I guess I do tonight and enjoying the calmness if that makes sense.cheers rob

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
Justthe3ofus,I thought about what you said and your right,i do have sudden changes of mood.and roll with my feeling.I never thought about it before,I guess I must try to be more level headed.cheers

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,148
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,148
Cheers? I hope that was a cheers with sprite...

How are you doing? You must know that people are praying for you.
It is hard sometimes, but it helps to notice how you are feeling if you are having a hard time and try to take a step back from it. Distract yourself playing a simple computer game where you don't have to think (I like angry birds pop).

Just take one day at the time, follow the plan and try not to think too much. Getting your daughter ready for school, getting someting to eat in the afternoon and planning dinner for you and your daughter. Helping her with homework, etc.

As Winston Churchill said: "If you are going through hell, Keep going!" You will come through as the one your daughter can count on.

It is OK if you fail or fall down sometimes. But the difference between people who fail and those who succeed, is the difference between lying down, feeling sorry for yourself and getting up and going on. Step by step. Struggeling, falling, getting up, but standing tall in the end.


me, DH
all the children
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
Hi happy heart,yes i fall down plenty of times.as for WW.Not going very well.DD has been with her today at her friends house.I told DD to ask her mum about DD savings as she had about 175 pounds in her account.WW sent me a text saying basically to cut a long story short had spent it.Gave me a load of rubbish about she had spent most on DD and borrowed 50 pounds.So DD thought she had 175 but has nothing her mum says she doesn't know where her bank card is.

I was fuming and sent WW a text saying you abandon your daughter,spend all her money,don't even pay me back the money you owe me.how about spending more time with your daughter instead of being with om all the time.
I said i don't know what has happened to you.and it is such a shame and told her all the pain she has caused.

she sent a text back saying i have not abandoned dd i left her with her dad.You know I have not been happy for years.then moaned that I have been getting on well with one of her sons.Then said I think now is the time to think about divorce.


I rang my step daughter and told her.She wasn't happy her mum had spent DD savings and that her mum never has time for anyone apart from om.

she had a go at her mum and told me her mum seemed to listen and that it was quite a nice conversation.

so there we have it.If she wants a divorce then i'm ready.So angry with her.
I did send her a text saying,I know you don't like me much right now,but i have always loved you and still do.I love your kids especially her daughter who has been fantastic

Last edited by rob68; 02/25/17 07:32 PM.
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 155
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 155
Originally Posted By: rob68
Thanks for your post justthe3ofus.Not sure what capricious means.
I'M not sure how i feel anymore,to be honest.Don't know whether I feel ok because maybe i'm moving on I really don't know.Could be crying tommorow,who knows.I suppose my plan is hope WW reads plan A then wait for a bit.I guess the bottom line line is you have to feel ok with yourself.I guess I do tonight and enjoying the calmness if that makes sense.cheers rob


Capricious means feelings change suddenly and unpredictably without real reason. Which happens a lot in a situation like yours.

What I have found that helped me in times similar to what you are going through is just to KNOW my feelings are capricious and when I feel horrible know it WILL change before too long and just try to distract myself and ride it out. Just knowing the feeling will pass has helped me endure the feeling.

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
L
Member
Online Content
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: rob68

I was fuming and sent WW a text saying you abandon your daughter,spend all her money,don't even pay me back the money you owe me.how about spending more time with your daughter instead of being with om all the time.
I said i don't know what has happened to you.and it is such a shame and told her all the pain she has caused.


WW is in the fog. Don't engage. You are destroying your plan A. Can you disable texting on your phone? If you can do that you will not be tempted to respond like this.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
Thanks anywife and livingwell.Yes anywife that makes sense about the feelings,and a good tip.Livingwell I felt I should say something when she spends our daughters money,I was appalled at WW.She thinks she can do what she likes to people.After her rant I sent a text saying that I still love her and have been worried for her but felt she needed to be told that it wasn't right spending DD savings.She did text back and say ok.She hasn't even opened plan A .I don't think WW has any accsess to the internet as she seems to have a cheap phone now.thanks rob

Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 225
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 225
Rob, I noticed that you refer to the letter as plan A. The letter is only one gesture of care and she doesn't have to open it for you to successfully do plan A.

Plan A is everything you do during this time to make yourself an attractive husband for her to come home to when the OM is gone or moves on to another carer affair.
Plan A included things such as working more and saving up a nest egg, stopping drink and working on being fit, working on your emotional health and stability, and being an awesome dad. It also includes nice letters, and small gifts, and acts of care for her and refraining from anger and disrespect.

What can you do today to build your plan A self?


Married to Pearlseeker for 13 yrs
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
Thanks buildsherhouse,I'm trying to do my best to do those things.Sometimes you just have to speak your mind I guess.Do you think it was wrong of me to tell ww that she had been out of order regarding spending DD savings?It is like justthe3ofus said that I don't have to pander to her every need and she needs to be told sometimes what she is doing to people.

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
People who are in an affair do and say things they would not do or say in their right mind.

Don't look at her actions and words as your wife's. Look at her as if an alien has taken over her body.

Thanks to Marruage Builders I am aware of the fact that if I'm angry, I'm temporarily insane. When I am angry, I don't engage in discussions anymore and don't send texts or emails. Best lesson I learned in my life.

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
Point taken goody2shoes.Although I am not sure if ww thinks she is an affair,i'm not really sure.Because she doesn't live with us and we have been separated for over 2 months.cheers rob

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
L
Member
Online Content
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
It does not matter whether your WW thinks she is having an affair. What matters is that she is.

Our advice is always the same; ignore her words and actions. Yes, stealing your daughter's money was appalling but it is a sign that things are not well in affair land. Don't engage about things like that. Stay calm.

Present yourself as financially solid and able to meet her top emotional needs which are probably affection and conversation. For now this will need to be letters if she has no access to email. But letters are very romantic.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
Hi livingwell.thanks for your post.It is just all so frustrating and confusing.
I wonder if the om even thinks he broke us up.because ww said in that text i told you about that we never did anything till I said it was over.I don't remember her saying it was over.Its all so annoying that I have been slagged off by the pair of them making out that i have been some terrible monster and a NO good husband.The truth is we used to get on well really.And I haven't been horrible at all.

It is also annoying that she thinks om is supporting her when in reality ww has no money and he is controlling her.Just giving her enough money to go back and forth to him.

I also wonder if it would be possible for them to have sex if he had viagra.If so I wouldn't want her back if she has been having sex with him.So many thoughts going through my head.

I wonder if she is so angry because she wants me to stop her affair.And I have not.

I know I am thinking to much but find it difficult not to


Last edited by rob68; 02/27/17 03:17 PM.
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
L
Member
Online Content
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: rob68


I know I am thinking to much but find it difficult not to



Correct, go and play Monopoly with your daughter. Enjoy winning while you still can :-)


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
I have got a job to remember how to play monoploy lol.was never much good at it.frustration or snap is more my level.I think I have killed off all my brain cells over the years.how are things going with you livingwell.? are you in the uk at the minute?

Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 34 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5