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Good job on having his emails bounced back from your work email. Are there any other holes you can think of? Be prepared that he gets a new email address to use to get through to you.

When you get your phone number changed I wouldn't give it to anyone that could give it to him. How often do your in laws try and communicate with the children? If they don't communicate with them often you could email them and ask them to communicate with you through email?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi Brain Hurts,

Thanks for the encouragement. The inlaws don't normally try to communicate with the kids through me. They have always spoken to them when they called my husband before now. But since that isn't an option anymore, I thought they might try to call me directly. Although that hasn't been the case so far (one week into Plan B).

I am having quite a lot of tearful moments and mood swings. Also, thinking back over all the things that have happened the past few years and reinterpreting events in light of what I now know: that my husband is a serial cheater who just does not respect marriage at all. I feel as though I am beginning to hate him. Is that a normal reaction? My entire marriage and family life has been a complete lie.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I am having quite a lot of tearful moments and mood swings. Also, thinking back over all the things that have happened the past few years and reinterpreting events in light of what I now know: that my husband is a serial cheater who just does not respect marriage at all. I feel as though I am beginning to hate him. Is that a normal reaction? My entire marriage and family life has been a complete lie.


Completely normal and be kind to yourself. Your brain has to remap to a different reality. That means going through every memory and changing it. Very tiring and takes time but you will emerge from this feeling at peace.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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Thank you for the supportive words. This site is such a help to me at the moment and I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to advise me through this process.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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This morning I had a bit of a shock. My husband's girlfriend followed me into the car park of our local mall, parked behind my car, and then started shouting at me.

She was digging her finger in my chest, pushing me and then hitting my car, shouting at me all the while. She called me a "white c**t" and when I said "why are you pushing me?" she shouted "I will do MUCH worse that that" then she bent back the wing mirror of my car and walked off in a huff.

I am worried because before this incident, I had never met her and was not aware that she knew who i was and knew what my car looks like. I reported the incident to the police but I have had to travel this afternoon, so I will have to wait until I return home on Thursday to get a reference number.

Should I inform my husband of this incident? Should I do anything more than I have already done by reporting it to the police?


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Good job on reporting it to the police. What did the police say? Can you get a restraining order against her?

Start carrying a VAR on you in case she does this again.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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The police didn't seem very interested. But I have made an appointment to go and follow up in person on Thursday. I will press to see if I can get a restraining order because I am honestly quite scared. She seemed very unhinged.

My husband has today demanded that I take over paying rent for the house now that he is staying somewhere else. Does anyone have any advice on how to respond to this request? My instinct is just to ignore it, since his is the name on the contract and I don't see why he should suddenly be relieved of responsibility for the housing of his wife and children just because he has broken our marriage vows while I have done nothing.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
The police didn't seem very interested. But I have made an appointment to go and follow up in person on Thursday. I will press to see if I can get a restraining order because I am honestly quite scared. She seemed very unhinged.

My husband has today demanded that I take over paying rent for the house now that he is staying somewhere else. Does anyone have any advice on how to respond to this request? My instinct is just to ignore it, since his is the name on the contract and I don't see why he should suddenly be relieved of responsibility for the housing of his wife and children just because he has broken our marriage vows while I have done nothing.

Definitely get a restraining order, and file charges if you can for the threat. Exercise caution when you go out and call the police if you see her, she sounds like a nutjob crazy

Do you have a lawyer yet? If so, you should let your lawyer deal with WH and/or his lawyer about paying for the house. In the US he would still have a legal obligation to pay.

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I don't have a lawyer yet. But I think it is a good idea to get one. I will investigate.

I am getting so much abuse from my husband's family. They honestly blame me, rather than him. He is having to answer questions at work and they are telling me that it is all my fault because of the exposure. None of them seem to recognise the fact that all I am doing is trying to break up his affair. HE is the one who is having the affair at work!!! So surely any consequences he suffers for that are also his responsibility not mine!!

They are phoning me and shouting and shouting. I feel so down. All I have been doing is trying to fight for my marriage. It is like they all want me to just accept whatever his behaviour is and keep quiet.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Maybe they all believe that actual cheating is not that bad compared with washing your dirty linen in public.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I would love to read experiences of anyone else who had a really bad reaction from exposure but then recovered.....it would be a big help right now.....


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I am getting so much abuse from my husband's family.
[..]
They are phoning me and shouting and shouting. I feel so down. All I have been doing is trying to fight for my marriage. It is like they all want me to just accept whatever his behaviour is and keep quiet.
Change your phone nr asap. Don't pick up the phone if they call you. Don't check Facebook.

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You sound very level headed and like you are thinking strategically rather than giving into emotions. I want to applaud you for that as it is not easy, and most posters here struggle to do this. But it will give you the best opportunity for recovery in the long run, whether that is recovering your marriage or personal recovery.

I would Plan B WH's family at this point too. Not everyone is going to embrace exposure, but you don't need to listen to or respond to any of the negativity either.

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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I would love to read experiences of anyone else who had a really bad reaction from exposure but then recovered.....it would be a big help right now.....

Everyone has at least one naysayer who tells them they are wrong for doing it I'm sure.

But many people who have recovered their marriages credit exposure for their recovery.

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THank you Goody2Shoes. I tried to change my number this morning but the company said it will take a few days to cancel my contract and start up a new one with a new sim. Will try to follow up again in the morning.

Yes, I guess just ignoring them all is the best thing.



BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I am really annoyed with myself. I talked to my husband after all the abuse that I have been getting from his family. We have been exchanging angry text messages and calls.

I know rationally that he is in the fog and nothing he says is real but it is so hurtful. He tried to tell me that it wasn't his girlfriend who accosted me in the mall, he claims it was her friend (she introduced herself and I have seen enough pictures to be able to recognise this person when I see them....). He keeps telling me that I am making him live outside the house "like a dog" and that I am not this "innocent little girl" I pretend to be after what I have done (the exposure). I try to tell him that breaking your marriage vows by cheating is not the same as my actions to try to break up the affair. You can't equate those two things. Fidelity is the main agreement of marriage. You do not commit to always be under the same roof, or not to embarrass your husband when you say your vows. He says fidelity is not the only marriage vow. I also vowed to protect him and by exposing him I am breaking my marriage vows.

He has turned his whole family against me with his anger. He keeps saying he is making appointments with the lawyer and he wants to divorce. I say you don't have any grounds for divorce since i have not broken my vows. You can't just decide to get rid of your wife because she tries to prevent you from maintaining an affair.....marriage is not a game. You can't just decide to finish it and it magically disappears.

But really he just thinks he can win back control of the situation by getting an external person to tell me I am wrong. He believes that he is so persuasive that he can convince a lawyer, counsellor, anyone external, that I am completely irrational and therefore I must let him back in the house. I keep telling him, you are not married to those people so the only person you have to convince is me. THe only person with the power to let you back in your house is your wife. And I will only agree to that if you accept to implement extraordinary precautions. He then says "I agree to all those things". But he hasn't actually DONE anything, so I know it is all lies and manipulation. He always does that. Pretends to agree because he knows he can manipulate his way out of actually doing the thing when it comes down to it.

That is one of the things that has made me so resolute that I will not accept him back in the house because I know how he acts when I want to look at his phone. He says "you can look at it anytime" while holding it out of my reach with his arm and deleting everything in front of me. Saying one thing and doing totally the opposite. That is how he conducts his life.

Sorry for the long post. Just wanted to document it all. And try to convince myself that I can keep ignoring this fogbabble.



BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Why do you take his calls? Get yourself a new phone nr. today, give your nr to all relevant contacts (your work, family and IM) and DON'T turn on your phone with our current nr. again. Don't respond to fog-babble.

You just got out of a burning house, don't go back inside. You will get severely burnt.

Last edited by goody2shoes; 03/01/17 04:13 AM.
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Why did you break Plan B to talk to him? All he did was try to gaslight you and all the healing you did is back to square one?

What are you going to do to avoid breaking Plan B again?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thank you Goody2Shoes and Brain Hurts. It was because of the girlfriend accosting me and threatening me. It really unsettled me - and I guess I just (stupidly) thought that he might have some negative opinion of her for behaving like that. And then at the same time his family were calling and shouting at me so much because he had called them to say that I had got him sacked. They consider him to be the only breadwinner of the family and so perceive the exposure to his workplace (even though I did not do it directly) as me attacking their financial stability. They fail to acknowledge that it is actually ME who sends them money every month from the salary that I EARN, so attacking me is attacking their financial stability. But reason doesn't seem to help.

I have cancelled my phone number now and get my new contract in the morning. I was doing so well with plan B frown. But I am restarting right now. He is going away for a conference tomorrow for 10 days, so that makes it easier.

Thank you for putting me back on track.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
Sorry for the long post. Just wanted to document it all. And try to convince myself that I can keep ignoring this fogbabble.
You don't need to ignore it, you need to implement plan B, so you don't hear it.

Can you update on how you are going to repair the gaping holes in your plan B? It helps if you write it here, so we can keep you accountable. We are in your corner and don't want you to get yourself beaten up again.

Next time you are tempted to pick up the phone/turn your phone on, what is your plan to stop yourself from getting abused?

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