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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
What are you going to do to avoid breaking Plan B again?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Not only does breaking Plan B set you back, but it sent a message to him. The message is that even though you say no more contact until he agrees to your conditions, you don't really mean that. If he tries hard enough you will fold. If he has others harass you on his behalf it will work. And when you do contact him, you will entertain his crazy fogbabble and gas lighting.

In other words, it is sending the message that he is still in control. Is that what you want?

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Thank you unwritten. I missed your posts somehow when I checked yesterday. I really appreciate your supportive words. I am trying to be calm and level headed. But it is a huge effort. My husband and his family are revealing themselves to be incredibly manipulative and seem to think it is normal to continually move the goalposts in a discussion in order to confuse the other person into submission. It is hard to keep a firm grip on the truth among all the gas-lighting and the continual assertions that I am a terrible wife for not "protecting" my husband from the consequences of his actions. They really seem to believe that the worst offence a wife could ever do is to put her husband outside the house. They totally ignore the fact that living under the same roof was not part of our marriage vows.....whereas fidelity definitely was.....


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Thank you Unwritten, Goody2Shoes and Brain Hurts, I think my problem was the phone number. My main phone number is a roaming one from the neighbouring country (where I work), so I was not able to change it while I was at home. I bought a new burner phone with a local number last week (when my husband took my usual phone, computer cable and laptop to prevent me communicating with anyone), but since everyone still knew my roaming number, I was not really out of contact. I am now in the neighbouring country for two days and will pick up my new contract sim card with new number this morning.

The abuse I have received during the past few days has given me much needed extra confirmation that no contact with him or his family is the best possible option for my mental health. My husband has also changed his phone numbers (pretending that he is not continuing his affair) so luckily I do not know his new ones by heart.

When I arrive back at home, I will follow up on the police report that I filed against the girlfriend on Monday and try to get a restraining order. She really scared me by knowing who I was and what my car looked like and threatening me. I have also received threatening messages from two of her friends on facebook. I hope that these incidents/communications are sufficient to enable me to get a restraining order. I thought that because she was so angry it was an indication that exposure had worked to break up their affair, but my husband's insistence that it was not her that confronted me shows that he still prioritises her feelings above mine by a long way. frown

I am slightly concerned that the prevailing societal attitude in this part of the world that cheating is normal and that women should not embarrass their husbands in public, whatever they have done, will affect my chances of obtaining legal protection. But we will see.

My husband is travelling to a conference today and will be away for 10 days, which is actually very helpful for re-establishing my plan B. He has told his family and friends that he will be questionned by his boss about the situation at home, as a result of my exposure to OW's facebook friends (who forwarded my message around the local office). He has been telling everyone that I have sabotaged his career and that I want to destroy him. He told his parents that I don't want him to work at all and that I want to keep him in the house, totally dependent on me (therefore depriving him of everything that makes him "a man"). They have always been suspicious of the fact that I earn around the same as him and have an equally senior job (not that they recognise my contribution to the family or household at all), so they are predisposed to believe rubbish like that.

I do not believe that he really thinks he will get sacked - nor that, if he did, he would struggle to find something else. He is highly qualified, smart and good at his work. His family have no idea about the world of work or the industry we work in, so he can say anything and they would believe him. He also uses their ignorance to make a huge fuss about my request that he stay at home for the remainder of his time in the country rather than go to the office where the OW is. Since no one knows what the job of a manager involves, they have no idea that my request is totally feasible and reasonable. I am also a senior manager, and I know that the worst that would happen if he stayed at home would be some minor frustration in the office that he was not as available as normal - but since he is leaving anyway, it wouldn't cause any serious problems. The worst that will happen when he gets his "talking to" from his bosses is that he will get a slap on his wrist and a warning - especially since he is already moving to a new job within the same organisation in a different country at the beginning of May. If he were staying in this country, I am sure his bosses would make efforts to move him to another location before sacking him, since he has a successful track record and is good at his work.

However, no one is interested in my reasoning.....

My sister in law told me my father in law has decided to come to visit us in April to "sort out our problems". She shouted at me "why couldn't you just WAIT until April???", as if I could be in the same house as my husband every day while he is continuing his affair, waiting for an "intervention" from my father in law - which i am extremely dubious about anyway. My mother in law tells me (paraphrasing) "your husband says the affair is over - so why are you making so much fuss?", which makes me feel so powerless and depressed. Everyone believes his lies. Everyone seems to blame me. How can this situation where I and my kids are the victims have been twisted to punish me so much?



BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Can his family get a hold of you now or is that hole closed?

Whatever happened with the police complaint you made about the OW threatening you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Number changed now - phew! Hi BrainHurts, no, his family cannot get in touch with me anymore now that I have the new number. I have only given it to my work colleagues and my family in my home country and my IM. Taking this step has already lifted a weight off my mind. I also went to a sexual health clinic this morning to be tested for everything just in case.

I made the police complaint on Monday but, because it happened just an hour or so before i had to go to the airport for a four-day trip, I had to do it over the phone. The detective I spoke to told me to come in in person when I get back. I am just in the airport flying back now, so I will try to get to the police station before it closes.

I wanted to make the complaint immediately on Monday just in case they have a 24 hour or 48 hour limit on reporting incidents. I took the name of the officer and his direct line so I hope I will be able to formalise everything this afternoon.

I am not sure how the police system works here, but I will try to press charges for harassment and also use the police report to apply for a protection or restraining order. I have a lawyer who I think can help.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Good to stay on top of it.

Do you think you have all your Plan B holes closed?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi BrainHurts,

Yes, I think all the plan B holes are closed now. But my IM tells me that he has been calling her this week to ask where I am and what I am doing - not loads of details, but he wanted to know the dates of my work trip, when I was coming back, then called again to check I was back, and the arrangements for the kids while I was away. I told the IM that I don't mind this information being shared as far as it concerns arrangements for the kids since I want it to be clear that I am managing everything fine. But do you think she (IM) should be refusing to answer questions?



BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Have you sent the IM training link, that is in the Plan B thread, to your IM? She shouldn't be sharing anything with you that doesn't pertain to finances or children. She needs to act as a SPAM filter and not let his garbage get through. She can respond to say "nothing will be sent to chalkncheeae" to any of his questions and then ignore him if he continues to try and dig for information. She will need to stay firm or she will break. She needs to know she needs to protect you.

Do you have the IM training link to send to her?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Feb 2017
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Thanks a lot Brain Hurts. I will go and review the IM training bit and send to her. Thank you.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
Joined: Feb 2017
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I would like to ask advice on something that I know will happen so I want to be prepared.

My parents in law are planning to fly to see us in April to have a family conference to help sort out our marriage. Because of the cultural background of my family in law, they believe that all problems can be solved through discussion and they prioritise the husband and wife living together under the same roof. The fact that WH is outside of the house seems to be consider the worst possible act a wife could ever do - even though I keep trying to explain to everyone that it is not ME who betrayed the marriage, it is HIM. And he is outside because he refused to do what was necessary to end the affair.

So, when they come, how should I handle the situation since I am in Plan B? If I ignore them or refuse to participate in these family discussions then I would definitely be sending the message that I do not want to save my marriage (which is not true). But to engage with them would break my Plan B. Maybe it would be an opportunity to explain to them, as I wrote to my husband in the Plan B letter, that I love him and I want our marriage, but that we have to agree on a plan for recovery that includes the elimination of risk before we can discuss moving forward. Any advice appreciated.



BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Paint your toenails, watch videos of baby penguins.

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laugh Thank you goody2shoes! Off to do that right now....


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
Joined: Aug 2014
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Change the locks of you haven't already. You have no obligation to meet with them.

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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I would like to ask advice on something that I know will happen so I want to be prepared.

My parents in law are planning to fly to see us in April to have a family conference to help sort out our marriage. Because of the cultural background of my family in law, they believe that all problems can be solved through discussion and they prioritise the husband and wife living together under the same roof. The fact that WH is outside of the house seems to be consider the worst possible act a wife could ever do - even though I keep trying to explain to everyone that it is not ME who betrayed the marriage, it is HIM. And he is outside because he refused to do what was necessary to end the affair.

So, when they come, how should I handle the situation since I am in Plan B? If I ignore them or refuse to participate in these family discussions then I would definitely be sending the message that I do not want to save my marriage (which is not true). But to engage with them would break my Plan B. Maybe it would be an opportunity to explain to them, as I wrote to my husband in the Plan B letter, that I love him and I want our marriage, but that we have to agree on a plan for recovery that includes the elimination of risk before we can discuss moving forward. Any advice appreciated.

What if you tell the in laws that they should not fly in unless he has ended the affair? Basically saying nothing including the conference will be done if the affair has not ended. Can you demand that from them? Be firm.


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On Friday I finalised police report against OW and then took the case number to my lawyer. Unfortunately, it seems as though my husband had already been talking to the lawyer (tiny country, and we both only know one lawyer) in an effort to get a restraining order against me (?????!!) to prevent me from sending any more exposure messages to anyone.

However, since his request was clearly unreasonable, I am a betrayed spouse with four children who hasn't done anything wrong, and I am a very calm and reasonable person, I still had quite a productive discussion with the lawyer. He advised that before applying for a court order against OW, he would first prefer to invite her to his office to make her aware of the police complaint I have filed and to make her aware that her threatening behaviour towards me is likely to leave her with a criminal record. He believes that delivering this news is the most effective way to achieve what I want: for her to leave my kids and I alone. I agreed to that because I have no desire to get people in serious trouble for vindictive reasons and what I really want is to feel safe when walking around with my kids and not having to look over my shoulder all the time.

We then had a broader discussion about the marriage issues, since my husband had already been complaining to him in a fit of rage (he had just discovered that my exposure message to OW's friends on facebook had been forwarded around his work, even though I did not directly expose to his work). Interestingly, he said that I seem like I am in a vulnerable situation and he would advise me to take power for myself my informing my husband that I will not be accompanying him in his move for his new job and will instead take the kids with me live near where I work (the neighbouring country to where we live now) - which is essentially Plan B. However, he also suggested that he try to mediate between us to establish a negotiated agreement for the way forward that 1) enables us to reconcile and 2) protects my husband's job. I explained that I love my husband and I would like to reconcile, but that I can't accept a lifestyle with the myriad opportunities for cheating that our current lifestyle involves. He said he understands that trust is totally destroyed and that no marriage can survive like that. He also asked if I was prepared to accept the outcome if my husband decides that he can't make the necessary changes, so I said yes.

The reason I feel slightly uneasy about this proposed mediation is that I think I will be pressured into agreeing that my husband must maintain some freedom in order for us to reconcile. I do not want to enter into a negotiation where my dealbreakers will be watered down into compromises - because there really can't be any compromises if we want to totally eliminate the risk of cheating for the future.

I was thinking that I should specify when the lawyer contacts me again that I will not start any discussions without proof that the affair is finished and demonstration that my husband has implemented extraordinary precautions to prevent any contact between him and OW. Do you think that would be a reasonable way forward?

I could then say (as Dr S Harley suggested in the IM school notes) that we are on the edge right now and there is a high risk of any reconciliation failing if we do not have support from an appropriate counsellor in establishing a recovery plan and monitoring how we go along. I don't think the lawyer is in a position to help us establish a recovery plan.....

We ended the meeting with the lawyer saying he would call my husband in order to discuss calling OW into the office. All in all, I am not sure how I feel about this whole thing. It is obvious that my husband is totally fogged out and that what he has said to the lawyer is based around protecting his affair at my expense. He has also told other people that I have ruined OW's reputation by exposing the affair (funny how he seems to totally ignore the fact that she is sleeping with a married man with four kids....) and that I have also tried to destroy his career (again, funny how he seems to be ignorant to the fact that HE risked his job by sleeping with a direct report at work). I think when people talk to me, then it becomes obvious that my husband's behaviour and reactions are crazy - especially since I keep telling everyone he is getting all angry and trying to divorce me essentially because I am upset about him cheating. And what wife would not be upset about their husband cheating?!!






BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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You need a new lawyer. You cannot share an attorney with your husband.

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Your lawyer is trying to help the OW. You need someone else.

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Thank you for the reality check apples123. I will abandon that idea then!


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
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Sigh. I am worried that being a truthful and non-manipulative person is a real disadvantage in this situation.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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