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Hi,We gave WW her cards and I put a ten pounds in a card from DD.I put the love letter in my card.DD is with WW at the moment.

I had a text from WW saying

Thank you for the letter,I cannot return home.I love you as a person but I am not in love with you anymore.I am in love with OM and want to spend my life with him for as long as he has got.I am hopping to move to xxx with him We are waiting for a place.I do want a divorce,harsh I know but it is for the best.

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Rob,

It's time to shift your focus onto you, your life and how you can make it better for you and your daughter. You need to let the affair run its course. Pull your energy and attention back to your own life. Get involved in some new activities, get some exercise, delve into a new interest. You can't agonize over this all day, everyday.

Your best course of action is to make yourself the more appealing option and part of that is being your best self. What does that look like to you? Engage in the activities that will help you become that man. Rearrange your life to be a life you can enjoy and be proud of. Be a good role model for your child by investing in your own happiness.

You can do it!

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Originally Posted By: zibbles
Rob,

It's time to shift your focus onto you, your life and how you can make it better for you and your daughter. You need to let the affair run its course. Pull your energy and attention back to your own life. Get involved in some new activities, get some exercise, delve into a new interest. You can't agonize over this all day, everyday.

Your best course of action is to make yourself the more appealing option and part of that is being your best self. What does that look like to you? Engage in the activities that will help you become that man. Rearrange your life to be a life you can enjoy and be proud of. Be a good role model for your child by investing in your own happiness.

You can do it!
During this time keep your boundaries very high and stay away from other women!


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rob68 Offline OP
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Hi zibbles and builderhouse.The marriage is over and I have to except that now.Don't really know what happened to WW. Out of my control now.Yes I have to focus on my daughter and myself now.Just hard to get my head around what happened.It all has moved so fast.All so strange and you just have to move on as though that person never existed.terribley hard to just forget about someone who you have spent 21 years of your life with.She has asked for a divorce and posted on facebook separated.I expect she will marry OM before he dies and I am just forgot about now.Need to find so inner strength.Every one says you will meet someone else.Hard to get my head around how she has been so horrible to us.Thanks everyone for all your help and caring about us.Much appreciated and will never be forgotton.thanks rob

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Rob, you are doing very well, considering the circumstances.
Everything is going according to the plan.

Her reaction to the letter is hurtful, but you knew beforehand that she would say something like that.

As long as she is with her head in the fog, she cannot see how she is ruining her life. And making things difficult for your daughter and you and everyone involved.

You have done the right thing. Staying courteous. Writing her a loving letter, showing her a way back to where she belongs. She will feel the fallout of her decisions in the future.

You will keep your head up.
You may not have been the perfect husband. Most of us are not. But you have stood up for your marriage and your family.

You are the one who keeps some normalcy in your daughters life. And of course you are the one she tries out her "puberty" power struggles on, because you are the only parent she can count on in the moment.

Just put one foot forward and then the next.
Do not think about the future too much right now.
Protect your finances.

Do go start some fun sports (I'm not talking darts here).
You will meet new people and feel better and look better.
Do something you like alone or with your daughter.
Walk places, (you will spend less on gasoline) or go to the beach or the hills now that the weather is better.
Some parents do geocaching (just google it) with their children, but in puberty she will rather want to spend time with friends sometimes.

Take good care of yourself.
You have taken the high road and you are the responsible parent here. The one who is dependable. Your daughter will bicker sometimes. Other times she may say something like "if you don't do xyz I will go to mom.". But she will thank you for it one day. When she is older.

If your wife comes around or not...
If you would take her back if she did...
If you may find someone better...
All these ifs don't help you know.

Concentrate on making yourself the best man and father possible. One day your wife will be sorry that she left you, because she will see your new self. She and everyone will see an independant man, who steered his family through tough times.

You will feel better, because you are doing the right thing.
It is a marathon.
While you are running, you feel the pain, the blisters, the fatigue.
Sometimes you want to give up.
Some people encourage you to hop in the broom wagon, give up because it is easier.
But you know you have to run the race until the finish line.
Even though it hurts.
Even though you are tired.
Even though you fall down. And get up. And fall down...
And get up again.
Run the race until the finish line.

Does that mean you will not be confronted with divorce?
Does that mean you will wait forever for your W to come out of the fog?
Does that mean you will only be a success if you recover your marriage?

No.
It means that you will everything on YOUR side of the road.
It means that you will be a better you after all of this.

Ultimately you will be successful by leading the way out of this mess.
Regardless of how this turns out, you will be successful.


Last edited by happyheart; 03/12/17 02:42 PM.

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rob68 Offline OP
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Hi happy heart,what a nice message.And a lot of effort and thought from you.Yes i'm glad I gave her the letter.It has bought closure and also I would have regretted not giving it always wondering if it would have made a difference.And at least I gave it my best shot and it might make her be more nicer during the divorce so all good.

I do have to change and start taking better care of myself and my daughter,still struggling with the beer.

But I feel quite positive about the future,i'm still realitively young and might get a good woman who is half my age,rich and likes tiding up.It's just finding her that's will be difficult.lol.I'm going to stop thinking and start living.I will read all the threads again and again as there has been some great help and advice.I have learned a lot over these hard times and thanks everyone who helped and gave up there time and effort for me.truly nice people.I guess if someone has truly made up there mind to be with someone else there is nothing that can change there mind.Thanks you all

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Rob, This may go against the protocol here - if it does, I apologize in advance. If your still struggling with the beer, I recommend you pick up a book by Allen Carr - he is located on your side of the pond, just google Allen Carr Easyway. I came across one of his books by chance, and it changed a lot in my life. I used to really enjoy my beer - but I have a family history, and was nervous, then I found out my favorite beverage was 360 calories a bottle. When I finished reading his book I was done. In a little over 10 years, I have had 2 days when I briefly considered picking up a drink - surprisingly - the recent trouble I have been going through - drinking didn't even cross my mind. This was the best thing I ever did - finding and learning - and adopting the MB program - I think will be either tied, or a close second. Upside, you may find it easier to look more fit, and either win her back, or attract a new lady, without the brew.
Hang in there, and Good luck.

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Thank you allan,your help and support is much appreciated.I googled his books about drinking and will buy one but he has a few on stopping drinking anyone book you recommend please.They have very good write ups.Looking forward to getting one.Good shout thanks rob

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rob68 Offline OP
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Allan I have just bought stop drinking now the easy way on kindle.I look forward to being free from drinking.Thanks for the tip.cheers rob

Last edited by rob68; 03/13/17 03:21 PM.
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I have a feeling the titles are different in the UK, and Canada.
The one I picked up was easy way to control alcohol, but I imagine that the content is the same - there might be cultural differences or changes over time, but I doubt they would be major. If the book isn't enough, and you are serious, check out one of the seminars.
I do recall that in the book - near the end he mentions that there is one lie - this has to do with the title - easy way to control - he comes out and explains there is no control - just stopping -for some of us that is the only option. For others, they may be able to limit themselves, and never have more than one at a time, and maybe then only on special occasions - ie. Grandma who had a glass of wine with Christmas dinner. I have no problem being around beer, still like the occasional 0% when my wife and I go out for dinner, I can go to a bar, could even serve, no issue. But I am not certain I could have one, and stop there. So I have none.
If the easyway book and if needed a seminar aren't enough, many people also succeed with the 12 step programs. The best thing I think they offer is a sponsor, someone who is there when you need them - accountability. I was lucky and the book was enough, but if need be I would look into it.

Last edited by Allan_Tweed; 03/13/17 07:49 PM.
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How are you doing Rob and how is that naughty handful of a daughter?


3 adult children
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rob68 Offline OP
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Hi living well.Nice to here from you again.I'm ok thanks,I guess I have excepted things.I have joined a dating site and looking for someone nice and genuine and have had a lot of replys so quite optomistic about getting a new girl friend.

That naughty daughter of mine seems to be doing ok.When she gets her own way that is.Grumpy little thing sometimes but love her to bits when she is a sleep.lol.

hope your ok livingwell and thanks for all your help and time that you gave up for us.Much appreciated all the best rob

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Is your divorce final? Why are you on dating sites while you're still married?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Rob, as Brainy says you should not be thinking of dating at this time.

Firstly you are married.
Secondly your wife may return (if you allow her to).
Thirdly this is a very bad thing for your daughter to be seeing. You need to be her moral rock in this storm. She needs to learn from you what is right and wrong. Doing the same thing as your WW is going to make her deeply confused.

Remove yourself from the dating sites. Tell your daughter why. Be honorable. You can do this!


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We understand that dating-sites can help your self confidence.
I am sure that you will not be alone for the rest of your life if your marriage does not work out.

But at this time everything is still fresh. Your wife has left you for a manipulating man with no future. Your daughter still has to get over the falling apart of her family. Your wife may realize that she has made a big mistake soon.

If you start a relationship before you have severed all ties with your wife, things may get very complicated.
If you are sure that you would not take her back, it is your right to divorce. But since you have a 21 year history with her and have a daughter together, you have to think it through.
Because of your daughter, you will always have a connection.
Think about how you will feel in 10 years if you give it your best for a certain period of time. After that, you can still find a new girlfriend.
If you decide to give up and call it quits, nobody will scold you for it.

But even in that case, you will want to wait a few months until divorce is final. This will teach your daughter to hold true to a relationship until the end.
After you are free, you can take the time to find the right person.
You will probably not want to introduce every date to your daughter even after divorce.
The truth is, that blended families are difficult, so weigh your options and end one relationship before starting the next.


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rob68 Offline OP
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Hi all.I maybe married but the wife left us for another man and said she wants a divorce.She has said a lot of nasty things and I can't stand her anymore.It has gone to far and would never work out now if she came back.
So as i'm not getting any younger and don't want her back I thought it is time to move on.There is no use hanging around.

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There use is to teach your child the proper way for a married person to behave.

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Originally Posted By: rob68
Hi all.I maybe married but the wife left us for another man and said she wants a divorce.She has said a lot of nasty things and I can't stand her anymore.It has gone to far and would never work out now if she came back.
So as i'm not getting any younger and don't want her back I thought it is time to move on.There is no use hanging around.


Then what's the problem with waiting until the divorce is final and then START dating? What do you think this teaches your DD?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Did I miss it that a divorce had been filed? If it hasn't and been finalized then you are still married. And, sorry, but the type of woman willing to date someone that isn't divorced isn't one worth dating.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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Rob,
Your not wrong in your feelings, or in thinking you are not getting younger. If you have no desire to reconcile, and don't want to wait for that reason, would you consider all of your self improvements? I know you are quitting (or have quit) drinking, and working on improving your fitness, if you give that some time, focus on you, and your daughter the dating pool may be much better. Everything you learn here, and improve about yourself will help you, a few months is not going to make a difference if it means finding someone who truly makes you happy. At the same time this shows your daughter the right way to go, this will influence her to choose a man who resembles you more than someone who may not be as good as she deserves. I bet she deserves a prince - show her that.

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