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The Vets are great on this site, so I thank them for their time. I need to get big boy pants on and get some advice. Here's my story.

I've been on this site throughout the years but I never posted. I am BH 46 and WW is 43. I've been married 20 years with 2 kids, 17 & 13. My WW had an affair after we moved in 2006. I originally thought it was an emotional affair but found out recently that it was physical so never got truth in recovery. My WW had another affair a couple years later. I found this site, bought Dr. Harley's book, put some basics in place and killed the affair. I couldn't confirm that it was physical affair but it was definitely emotional. I would say that I didn't do everything perfect but we went in recovery doing it on my own.

A few years later I get an anonymous email saying that there was some suspicious activity at her work place. I identified the person and then He and another person got fired. 2 weeks later, WW got fired and lied to me (I found out the truth recently), so something was not right.

Fast forward to 10/2016. My 17yr old comes home to tell me that he was told from a friend that WW slept with an 18yr old student at his school. The boy told 2 friends which got back to my son. Son confirmed that the boy told the the other 2 kids. Boy later denied. WW was adamant it was false. This seems hard to believe with her, but with cheaters, anything is possible. I had no proof, and she was accounted for. Begs me to stay with her and not leave her. She agrees to additional transparency.

On 3/4, there was some time unaccounted for and suspicious explanation - picking up 13 yr old but took extra time. I couldn't get a hold of her. I asked why her phone was off. She says she just denied my call. I ask to see her phone because the call would be logged, WW refused and got really angry, says she's not doing it (which refusing to see phone is against our agreement), I got angry and said we were done. I told her I didn't trust her and that hurt her feelings. We start sleeping in separate rooms.

By Monday, I try to defuse the situation and offer to start sleeping in the same room and working through it. She then tells me that I am smothering her, and that she needs her space and wants a divorce because she needs her old self back and she's not happy, and she can't make me happy. WW says there is no other guy, and she needs time to find herself.

Next day, I surprised her when she had a secret phone. At first I thought it was my sons. I turned around and it was gone. I asked her if she had 2 phones and she says no, only the one.

Later, she says can't find herself with me in the same house. WW counsels with a lawyer which told her to remove all the accountability measures. I went into Plan A.

Friday (Day after tracking went off), she acted like she went to work but didn't. I texted her and said I would drop by lunch and a gift at work. She calls me and said that she went into work and was crying and they told her to take a personal day (This is a lie, she actually called into work), so she tells me she went to a nearby city to the mall instead of going home (She told me this after my text). I said great, let me come have lunch with you, she refused. I was upset but kept my cool, I later called her and said I wanted to talk to her. That night, I tell her enough is enough and agree to start discussing divorce. Talks do not go well, especially about kids. I start Plan A to help calm the situation. She goes back and forth between wanting a divorce and not knowing what she wants. Unfortunately, I am not keeping my cool and go back and forth as well. Tonight, I hear her talking on the phone. The call is not on her phone, so I have another confirmation that she has a secret phone.

I feel stupid. Serial Cheater but I still love her. This is her first threat of divorce. I would love to save my marriage, but I'm not sure if anything will change. Should I just give up and not bother, or get the intel on who's the other man.

Looking for some advice on next steps. Let me know if you need more details.


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Welcome to MB and sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

Have you ever exposed any of her affairs? Do your children know?

What spyware do you have in place? Do you have a VAR in her vehicle? A GPS on her vehicle?

Have you been tested for STDs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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what do your kids think of their mother sleeping with a student is she a teacher?

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Originally Posted by DeepSorrow
Looking for some advice on next steps. Let me know if you need more details.

Hello Deepsorrow, the massive, 50 ton elephant in the room is the fact that you don't know any details. Her affairs have been going on for YEARS because she has been allowed to live a secret second life. You have been given clue after clue after clue but haven't ever acted on it.

I would stop accusing and asking and hire a PI. Get some super snooping in place and find out what she is doing now.

Once you do that, you can address the current affair and we will help you get the facts about the past affairs.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You seem to have a misperception about Plan A. It isn't something that you do every once in a while in response to different situations. It is used continuously. Once you start Plan A, it governs your behavior until you either recover or move on to Plan B.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Thanks for the responses.

I did an okay at exposure on the second affair. Pastor, friends, family, confronted affair partner to run him off. I did not tell the kids which I should have done according to Dr. Harley. Exposure killed the affairs, but she keeps going back for more so I screwed up on the EPs.

My oldest son knows everything. My youngest does not.

As far as spy equipment, I put a VAR in the bedroom today. It should catch intel as she talks on the secret phone at night. I am considering buying one for the car and setup a GPS. My plan is to get some more information so that I can then give it to a PI - Time, dates, places. I have not been tested for STDs. My son was very angry about the student. WW is a Para at another school in a nearby town.

MelodyLane - You are right, I have been accusing and that is causing more problems. I have to stop because she'll lie anyway and goes into Fog babble. I've got the VAR in place for spy mode.

MrEureka - I'm in Plan A right now. What you are seeing is that I was waffling and love busting. I'm back on track and intend to stay there.

My family and some of my close friends think enough if enough!

Another fact I left out is that she took half the funds from our bank account and didn't tell me. I found out yesterday and she said that her parents advised to protect herself. I've looked for a good lawyer to get some advice but can't get into see him until next week. I'm not sure how to handle this.

Let me know if my plan is right. Thanks!

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I've invited her to watch TV tonight, kind of a date night at home. She will still kiss me and hug me only when we leave for work and go to our separate beds. No other affection and definitely wants to be alone at night to carry on her affair.



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Originally Posted by DeepSorrow
I've invited her to watch TV tonight, kind of a date night at home. She will still kiss me and hug me only when we leave for work and go to our separate beds. No other affection and definitely wants to be alone at night to carry on her affair.

I would place 1000% effort on getting the intel and exposing her affair. There is very little hope here because she is a serial cheater. I wager she has had many, many affairs. She does not fall into affairs, she is out actively looking for action, wouldn't you agree? Most affairs are not purposeful like this so you are in a difficult situation that is likely going to end in divorce.

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I've invited her to watch TV tonight, kind of a date night at home. She will still kiss me and hug me only when we leave for work and go to our separate beds. No other affection and definitely wants to be alone at night to carry on her affair.

This is a distraction.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I bet your kids and many other people know all about her affairs. Have you asked around? What does your older son know about her past?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by DeepSorrow
My family and some of my close friends think enough if enough!

I would have to agree. The only way you will make it is if she makes such radical changes in her lifestyle that it would be impossible to cheat. For example, you would need to find a way to be together 24/7 and even then she might be likely to cheat.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melody - Making sure I understand, don't worry much about spending time with her? Just put 1000% effort into intel ASAP? I'll get another VAR. I agree she is the one looking for action. I didn't always believe that, but you nailed it.

I just shared my situation with a friend I go to church with. He said that his wife was regularly having lunch with my WW, and my WW said something that she was doing. My friends wife told her she was sinning and that she would not go to lunch anymore. My friends wife called me stupid.

WW mother slipped up and told me about another man that she'd heard about. Yes, I think there are a lot, and she is a serial cheater.

I discussed the affairs with my older son after the school rumor. My son shared with me that when he was 6 or 7, he walked out into the living room and a man and WW on the couch and saw oral. Just found that out recently. Also she then fessed that affair was physical 2 other times which I think is a lie. My son also told me that she previously had a secret phone when he was younger. He said he found it on 2 occasions and remembered it was a grey flip phone. Of course, WW lied about it.


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I would have to agree. The only way you will make it is if she makes such radical changes in her lifestyle that it would be impossible to cheat. For example, you would need to find a way to be together 24/7 and even then she might be likely to cheat.


The 24/7 will not work and that is what is causing this latest blow-up. The accountability is smothering her causing problems with her affairs. She doesn't want to change.



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Melody
I have problems accusing as you pointed out. I needed facts. Messed up, but that is too late now. She uses the accusing as a reason to get rid of EPs. My bad there.



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Originally Posted by DeepSorrow
Melody
I have problems accusing as you pointed out. I needed facts. Messed up, but that is too late now. She uses the accusing as a reason to get rid of EPs. My bad there.

You realize though, that 'accusing' is not going to get you facts. You are dealing with a serial cheater who has probably spent your entire marriage living a SSL and gaslighting you about it. She is a gifted liar and manipulator, more so than the average cheater actually. Accusing her or asking her is only going to get you gaslighting and fogbabble, not facts.

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As ML advised, put 100% of your effort into getting the intel about her current affair. Even if this heads to divorce, you should find out the details so you can expose.

If it were me I would also spend some time sleuthing through things to find out about past affairs (computer history, texting history, etc.). In your case, I don't think you will ever know all the details of the past, but it is possible you could use any information you find to further expose if you want to.

Ultimately, this is headed for divorce. You said yourself that she has no willingness to live a life of accountability and will not give up her SSL or affairs. Because of that this will happen again, and again, and again. Unless you are willing to live like this forever (nobody deserves this death of a thousand cuts) I would also start preparing for divorce.

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So I will use exposure for Divorce? What's the rationale of Divorce exposure?


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Exposure is beneficial whether you recover the marriage, or divorce and have personal recovery.

If the OM's have unsuspecting wives and families, they should know about your WW so they can protect themselves (and because telling them the truth is the right thing to do).

Telling your family and friends will give you support.

Finding out the facts (not just the heresay you have had about some of these affairs) may help you in terms of custody and divorce.

But the number one reason I am going to tell you to get the facts, is so that you can do a proper exposure to your children. Her behavior in front of and her complete disregard for your children is alarming. Her young son caught her having oral sex with her OM. There is no telling what your other children have heard or witnessed. The fact that her young son caught her, and then she later had sex with a student who told other students that were friends of your son who then told your son, SOBERING experiences for most cheaters even those in the fog, tells me she has absolutely no care in the world what your children are exposed to.

Your children have been brought up with a serial cheating mom, who not only takes risks, but seems to be careless at hiding the evidence of her affairs. They need to know the truth. They need you to explain to them that this behavior is wrong. They need to know that the secrets they have painstakingly been keeping from you are not their burden to carry. They need to learn the truth about their lives, which have been damaged by affairs for years. And they need you to be their moral compass.

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Well said unwritten.



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You may want to let on that you should cooperate and be friends for the kids sake. Stop asking her to show her phone and tell her you are sorry she feels smothered. You want her to lower her guard without lying to her.


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so your son saw all of that well she's been cheating for years
she has no respect for you bro.
good luck.

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