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Joined: Apr 2017
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A few months after we got married I found out that my husband cheated before we got married. So it had happened 2 years before he confessed. It was during a two week vacation he took back to his hometown. I found out because he confessed without me asking. The first few days after he told me, he wouldn't tell me the whole truth. Every day it was a new confession and I told him that I couldn't heal that way. I needed to know the whole truth to start my healing and to make my choice to stay or leave. This is what I got: He cheated with his ex and another woman. It was physical with his ex but no sex. One of the times it got close to them having sex but didn't (most clothing was off). I asked more and he gave me details. With the other woman it was just dates and a one time peck on the lips. I was able to confirm through an online chat i had with the ex that there was no sex (I know that was stupid for me to do and I regret it but it is done). I asked him many times why they didn't have sex that night because it's hard for me to understand that they just stopped after taking off their clothes. He said that they just stopped, that he didn't want to keep going. What she told me though made it seem like he wanted to continue.

So now it's been 6 years that he confessed. At that moment I believed what he told me and decided to take my aunt's advice to close the subject and never bring it up so I could heal and our marriage could work. We made it and have a good marriage. I started working and that distraction helped me move on and think less of the affair. I always had the question in my mind though: Why did him and his ex not have sex that night? What stopped them? About three years ago I started thinking a lot about the other woman (the one he supposedly only kissed on the lips). I don't know who she is so there was no way that I could find out anything about them, so I wonder if he lied and there was really more that went on with her. Now I have made myself think that he had sex with this other woman but never went into details about her because he knew there was no way for me to find out.

Do you think it's better to bring it up again and ask? I don't even know why I want to know. I don't want to divorce so if he tells me that they did have sex, what I'm I going to gain? I want to stop making different stories in my head of why he didn't continue on to have sex with his ex that night and I want to stop picturing him having sex with the other woman if he didn't. I wonder, though if he tells me that he didn't, will I still be thinking about it. What guarantees that he will tell me the truth?

If I do bringing it up again he will get mad. How do I avoid this. I feel like he will say that he doesn't want to talk about it.

Joined: Dec 2007
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This is the problem with not getting the truth on or close
to D day. The unanswered questions will still want to be
answered thirty five years later.

Unanswered questions can cause recovery to stall and hold
the marriage in limbo.

However Dr Harley says that to not revisit the affair years
later for it only sets every one back to day one of healing
again.

Send and email to Dr Harley asking him how you should proceed.

Joined: Nov 2010
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Is your H living a completely transparent life and you know everything he does on all his devices? How much UA time do you get?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2017
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Yes. Ever since we got married, he has been very transparent. He has always come home right after work. He works with his dad and brothers and has always left with them and returns with them. He never goes out. He's always home and the only few times that he goes out is with me, usually for dinner (this is his choice, he doesn't have many friends). He's never talked on the phone secretly. He leaves his phone with me without hesitation and has never had it locked. He has never gone back to his hometown since that time. We only went once together for his brother's wedding. He was with me the whole time on that trip.

Ever since we had a child almost two years ago we have little to no UA time unfortunately.

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This is where I would start by scheduling 15-20 hours a week of UA time. Will your H sit with you and schedule out your UA time?
The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Sep 2018
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I know this is a very old post but in case you ever visit this site again I was wondering if your problem was ever resolved? Did you get the closure you needed? You sound exactly like my husband, he has many questions about events and other men from our dating days that haunt him but I am struggling to remember the details and it is killing us both. Id love to know how you resolved it especially since you can speak from his perspective. Willing to do whatever it takes.


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