Bariguy, the point is that it doesn't matter if you disagree because that misses the point. The point of the POJA is to find solutions about which you are both enthusiastic. Once you get into this habit it becomes 2nd nature. My H and I had a terrible time learning this rule, but if we can learn it, anyone can.

My wife usually doesn't want to give a reason because I had a long standing habit of being a disrespectful jerk to her about her reasons.

Bguy, I think it's important for you to understand that in order to have a happy marriage, you have to change in response to your wife's complaints. You can't get to a happy marriage by talking her out of her complaints.

Don't try to persuade her to see things differently.

Bariguy,

In all seriousness, are you going to continue to abuse your wife?

She's not happy because you are abusing her.

I have been there.

Have you read Lovebusters yet? You are making a number of selfish demands and disrespectful judgements. Stop!

This is what I meant when I said you are acustom to behaving independently and having your wife capitulate. Now you have to consider your wife. If you can't graciously accept her perspective, you need to do nothing. This is not capitulation. It is supposed to be uncomfortable to encourage brainstorming mutually enthusiastic solutions.

If you are having trouble with POJA, SD and DJ, re-read them daily until they sink in. To get up to speed quickly, purchase access to the radio archives and listen to segments on these topics. I listened to about 3 hours a day when I first started. Think of each segment as a case study for MB concepts. This is the test of a lifetime, Start cramming!

Also, on vacation, it is normal to act as if the whole thing is UA time, but y'all need to still set aside 20 hours at least in which you focus on fun, meeting intimate emotional needs and having no relationship discussion.

I don't understand why, as a married couple, we cannot converse. If she complains that the car is dirty and wishes I would wash it, I just go and wash it even though I just finished doing just that?? That's what I'm hearing you say here. W thinks I'm disagreeing with you guys. I'm not. I'm trying to understand. Maybe I'm stupider than the average bear. Would saying ''Honey, I just finished doing that'' be trying to talk her out of her complaints or trying to persuade her to see things differently?

I want to ask if MB thinks different personality types react or respond to the same issues differently? Do different personality types think differently? Do couples have struggles due to differing personalities?

What is her specific complaint?

Of course. Adults learn to respond well. You are responding poorly. Stop the AOs. When is the last time you studied the love busters?

Dr. Harley gave you an assignment. You are supposed to be wooing your wife out of stage 2. What are you doing for this goal?

Dr. Harley also have your wife an assignment, to complain when your behavior bothers her and to not make reluctant agreements. She is completing her assignment.

Did you say these things to your wife?

"He insists that if he wants to do something and I don't, then doing nothing is him capitulating. He wants me to have "goodwill" and do this thing that is "so important to him". "

This is not about washing the car. This is about your wife not wanting to see your relatives. She's not enthusiastic about it, but you are giving her consequences for not agreeing to go see them.

You can converse. Y'all can discuss a trip to the beach, whether Pluto is planet, your likes/dislikes about the last movie you saw together, a Mars colony and whether you could/would live on it, cute things your kids/grandkids did lately, dream vacation, should DW's sonic screwdriver be added to the dictionary...

You cannot converse if it includes demands disrespect and angry outbursts. If you begin to get upset, say "I need a break" and go cool off. Demanding to visit family is a selfish demand.

Go get 2 journals and a small flip notebook. One journal is for your wife to write her complaints. The second journal is for you to document what you l arm from the program, including quotes and thoughts on the reading, your assignments, and key advice on from the forum. You may also want to copy over your wife's complaints. Write out any concepts you are struggling to learn, like friends and enemies of good conversation, steps of POJA, etc.

The small notebook you should keep in your pocket to jot down ideasas you have them, like good conversation topics or possible solutions for POjA.

Remember, priority #1 is no angry outbursts.

Is it okay that she thinks the car is dirty and needs cleaning even if you "finished doing just that?"

"Honey, you shouldn't feel that the car is dirty, and you shouldn't be asking if I would clean it, because I just did that."

Of course. Adults learn to respond well. You are responding poorly. Stop the AOs. When is the last time you studied the love busters?

Dr. Harley gave you an assignment. You are supposed to be wooing your wife out of stage 2. What are you doing for this goal? [/quote]

The wooing was proceeding with some success. We hit a road block(a result of what I thought was radical honesty - maybe but misguided) and the next two weeks have been rough and I admit my wooing has not been great. Not due to lack of effort. Some of it was probably misguided and I feel some of it was rejected. We are presently not in a good place. I think it improved at least a bit in the last four hours. There have been some misunderstandings concerning posts. We just finished reading all of our posts since April 12 together and discussed them. Some things were clarified. We were both hurting so much we were hardly talking. I asked at supper what I could do to get back into her good graces and that got us talking again. I will be asking her each morning from now on the same thing. I'm trying to listen and learn. W keeps telling me I'm not 100% committed. I do have questions but agree with MB principles. Thanks for this question.

What are the AOs you refer to?

If she asks you to do something you don't want to do, for whatever reason, just tell her you are not enthusiastic. Then, don't do it.

I discussed this with W. We both agree, the words were said, but not in the context that would be taken from the way they are written above. The first part, ''He insists........'' was said as part of a discussion on capitulation. Goodwill was something I said was necessary for POJA not something to be used to force W to do something.

So...how is that different from what your wife wrote? It sounds that her statement is accurate.

You haven't answered my questions about your reading/studying.