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Do you have a lawyer yet? You might have to go through your lawyer and I know unfortunately it will cost you more, but your WH is such an entitled WH that he isn't going to respect your requests until he needs something.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi Brain Hurts, yes I have a lawyer. I went to see him yesterday and then had an appointment with a social worker afterwards. Because of jurisdictional issues, the lawyer cannot do much until I move with the children to the neighbouring country. However, the social worker was extremely helpful and is going to draft a contract governing financial issues and visitation and will do the liaision between my husband and I. I feel a lot better knowing that there is a clear route to sort things out.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Just got served a summons. Apparently OW has filed a civil suit against me for defamation resulting from my exposure letters to her facebook friends - which were quite innocuous private messages to 20 or so people using the template here. She really is crazy. I already have a criminal case against her because she assulted me in public. So on the advice of my lawyer, I will go to the police tomorrow morning and show them the summons, explaining that her harassment of me is continuing and asking them to set a new court date for that case...and then see if she still thinks it is a good idea to try to take me to court for defamation (which would result in a whole lot more embarrassment for her and WH as all the details and evidence of the affair would be exposed).


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
So on the advice of my lawyer, I will go to the police tomorrow morning and show them the summons, explaining that her harassment of me is continuing and asking them to set a new court date for that case...and then see if she still thinks it is a good idea to try to take me to court for defamation (which would result in a whole lot more embarrassment for her and WH as all the details and evidence of the affair would be exposed).
Tell her lawyers to bring it on!


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I feel really frustrated that doing nothing to anybody - just standing up for myself when attacked from multiple directions - somehow makes me into the bad guy. I can't understand how OW manages to get people to think she is a victim. I just can't work it out. I guess she has way better skills at manipulation than I could ever hope to have.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Tell her lawyers to bring it on!

Thanks SugarCane! To be honest i am quite exhilarated at the thought of being able to present all the evidence in court! laugh


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I think you should sell tickets!


BW
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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
I think you should sell tickets!

Hahaha! I am making a looooong witness list (all the people who have ever told me they thought something was going on - his workmates, his beer drinking buddies, her friends who have been sending me abusive threatening messages, etc etc), which I guess will have a similar audience-boosting effect smile


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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So what are you going to do?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I spent the day yesterday at the police and with lawyers. I asked the police to reopen the criminal case against her for threatening me, so she will now be going to court for that. We have to respond to the summons for the civil suit she has launched within 14 days and I have instructed a lawyer to do so. There really is no case at all since the exposure letters asked for support for my marriage rather than insulting anyone, and she (OW) seems not to be aware that I only sent 18 private messages and that any additional circulation of those messages was done by her friends not me. She also does not seem to know that two of her "best friends" responded to the messages confirming the affair. But anyway, I am quite happy to have the opportunity to go to court about it.

My lawyer advised me to call my husband to inform him that he will be a witness in this case and that spousal privilege prevents him from saying anything against me. I asked to meet him on her (my lawyer's) advice. But after trying to evade the question of when we could meet for a little while ("i'll call you back", "i have to check my calendar", "i will send an email to the IM", etc, anything to avoid being put on the spot) he hung up! He is such a control freak that he cannot even accept for me to suggest a meeting without him being able to control everything about it.

He then requested the phone number of my lawyer from my IM, and then he called my lawyer to blame the entire situation on ME!!!! Apparently he went into a tirade of fog babble about how i am victimising OW, how I reported her to the police, reported her to the nursing council, etc, totally ignoring the fact that she assaulted me. He then told my lawyer there is no way he would be contributing to my cost of the legal action (brought against me by OW) since it is all my own fault. He told her that I was involving OW in our personal issues and that we should just meet and discuss divorce if that is what I want. He seems to keep on trying to make me divorce him, but not doing anything to indicate he wants to divorce me.

It was quite depressing and hurtful to hear how deep in the fog he is. I suspect that he has given OW the money she needed to launch the court action.

Since I have already instructed a lawyer in the neighbouring country to draft a financial agreement and parenting plan, I am focusing on getting that sorted out by the end of next week to make sure the kids and I are protected - and to make my husband wake up to the fact that when he leaves the country at the end of this month he will be going ALONE. He still doesn't really get that we are separated. I get the impression he is waiting for me to beg him to come back...and he thinks because he is leaving the country at the end of the month that I will somehow cave in and allow him to come home while keeping his girlfriend and SSL.

I have also contacted a new school for the kids and found a house to move to in June, but I can't sign contracts before we have agreed on the financial arrangement. The social worker I found is a trained mediator and will liaise between us to get an agreement. Even in his deep fog, my husband still seems to be willing to support the family and kids so I hope we will be able to get it signed before he changes.



Last edited by chalkncheese; 04/14/17 06:10 AM. Reason: typo

BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I do think I need a better plan for what to do if my husband refuses to pay the amount in the new financial agreement. It is going to be difficult and expensive to enforce the agreement with him in another country. And he might refuse to fly to where we live to avoid being served a summons at the airport, which would mean he won't see the children.




BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Anyway, I think a lot of things will become clearer/easier once my husband has left the country and spent a few weeks away from OW. He is very deep in the fog right now and lying to everyone, not just me.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I am really shocked at how exposing the affair suddenly reveals all this disgusting ugly behaviour of my husband. How can he have been pretending to be a normal person all this time before i found out about the affair? He did quite a good job of pretending to care about me and the kids, despite the fact that the affair has been going on for more than 3 years.

So if the fog babble is SO bad now, how was he able to hide it before? Has he just stopped trying to pretend? Has the addiction got stronger now that I am fighting it? Is it just that I know how to interpret fogbabble now thanks to MB? Or is it the act of bringing the affair into the light that exposes the ugliness and delusion of the whole situation so it has seemed to get worse so that it can get better?


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
And he might refuse to fly to where we live to avoid being served a summons at the airport, which would mean he won't see the children.

That can be a very peaceful and helpful thing for the children.


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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I am really shocked at how exposing the affair suddenly reveals all this disgusting ugly behaviour of my husband. How can he have been pretending to be a normal person all this time before i found out about the affair? He did quite a good job of pretending to care about me and the kids, despite the fact that the affair has been going on for more than 3 years.

So if the fog babble is SO bad now, how was he able to hide it before? Has he just stopped trying to pretend? Has the addiction got stronger now that I am fighting it? Is it just that I know how to interpret fogbabble now thanks to MB? Or is it the act of bringing the affair into the light that exposes the ugliness and delusion of the whole situation so it has seemed to get worse so that it can get better?

I think you know how to identify it now. But more importantly, he had control of everything before and now he has lost control. That makes way wards a tad bit crazy. So you now have wayward fogbabble + crazy to deal with.

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I just want to commend your attitude about OWs frivolous lawsuit. Most BS's hear the word lawsuit and panic, and want to stop exposure or cower to the crazy way wards to keep the peace. Your *bring it* attitude is refreshing. You are a strong woman!

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Originally Posted by unwritten
I just want to commend your attitude about OWs frivolous lawsuit. Most BS's hear the word lawsuit and panic, and want to stop exposure or cower to the crazy way wards to keep the peace. Your *bring it* attitude is refreshing. You are a strong woman!

Thank you unwritten! That's a nice compliment! I have spent the past two years being sued and threatened by crazy people for work (i took over a failing company and had to terminate a whole lot of dubious supplier contracts), so I am not scared of being put on a witness stand - actually, I like having the opportunity to demonstrate my integrity and good character smile...and I find calmness and lack of fear of threats makes crazy people look and act a thousand times more crazy.



BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by unwritten
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I am really shocked at how exposing the affair suddenly reveals all this disgusting ugly behaviour of my husband. How can he have been pretending to be a normal person all this time before i found out about the affair? He did quite a good job of pretending to care about me and the kids, despite the fact that the affair has been going on for more than 3 years.

So if the fog babble is SO bad now, how was he able to hide it before? Has he just stopped trying to pretend? Has the addiction got stronger now that I am fighting it? Is it just that I know how to interpret fogbabble now thanks to MB? Or is it the act of bringing the affair into the light that exposes the ugliness and delusion of the whole situation so it has seemed to get worse so that it can get better?

I think you know how to identify it now. But more importantly, he had control of everything before and now he has lost control. That makes way wards a tad bit crazy. So you now have wayward fogbabble + crazy to deal with.

Yes, I think that makes sense. He spent the whole of yesterday night telling his friend from home (who then told me) that he really wants to talk to me to show how he has changed. I said to the friend that I don't believe a word of it. But if he really has broken up with OW and changed, then it should be easy for him to show me the evidence. I said if he has the evidence to show he has done what I have asked (from the SAA checklist for ending an affair), then I will be happy to meet him and talk.

So has he made any attempt whatsoever to contact me?! No. I had to wait 3 hours this morning for him to pick up the kids. He can't even make the effort to drag himself off his friend's sofa for his one day a week with them. And not a single indication that he has any intention of talking to me/apologising/demonstrating any change whatsoever.

I think he wants other people to believe that I am the one refusing to meet him. Or he still thinks it should be ME begging him to come home. Or some combination of the two. I am married to the most egotistical, selfish, entitled man that has ever existed.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
And he might refuse to fly to where we live to avoid being served a summons at the airport, which would mean he won't see the children.

That can be a very peaceful and helpful thing for the children.

Thank you Markos. Yes, I will try to think of it like that.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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His actions definitely don't show any kind of remorse and Dr. Harley says WHs should show remorse as "hat in hand" or they aren't really remorseful at all. I think your WH falls in this category of not being sorry at all and that you'll need to stay on this path.

I agree with unwritten that you are doing great with all the class that you show.

Also, I worry about all the holes in your Plan B when others try and talk to you about your WH. What can you do to tighten this up?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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