Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1
J
JVW Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1
I met the most gorgeous, loving and supportive woman 7 months ago. We hit it off immediately and started a very intimate and close relationship. We are very serious about our feelings and love for one another.

Here is the issue: She had a colorful past and it haunts me continuously. I researched all the aspects of this feeling/s and can rationally explain it to myself. But, emotionally it is an entire different matter.

I understand the fact that I can either deal with it or end the relationship. I prefer the first option and wanted advice or tools to help me cope with this situation.

Any support and advice would be appreciated.

Thanks much.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
I understand the fact that I can either deal with it or end the relationship. I prefer the first option and wanted advice or tools to help me cope with this situation.
If you want to continue the relationship, you will have to leave the past in the past. That means you never speak of it of it again, you stop reading and researching, and anytime you think of it, redirect your thoughts elsewhere. Don't dwell on it.

If you can't or won't do that, it will ruin your relationship.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968
Likes: 1
You are dating, and the feelings you have now are not going to disappear and it's not healthy for you to try and make them disappear. It's setting yourself up for disappointment if you try to paper over it and eventually marry this woman. There's SOMEONE out there you can find if you are persistent who will not stir up these feelings in you, and given that you have the choice to find them, I would take it. Don't settle!

In Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders Dr. Harley suggests a personal history questionnaire partially for this exact reason...so you know what you're getting into and whether you can accept that or not in your partner. Your being bothered by this is not entirely emotional, it's also a rational fear response to what I'd bet you know in your heart is a high risk behavior.

From my personal history, I would suggest you not get into a serious relationship with a person like this no matter how appealing they might seem at the moment because a colorful sexual past is an indicator that they have historically had issues with boundaries and impulse control. People with a healthy grasp on those things (even if sex is a big temptation for them) will not risk the consequences of casual sex. These are extremely dangerous characteristics in a spouse. I married someone like this and I very much regret it now.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5