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Joined: Apr 2017
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Hello,

I'm Jessica and I'm having a hard time dealing with my emotions right now. I'm kind of obsessed with every single site about affair recovery. I also bought some books about it and I'm trying to understand what happened to me. The thing is that I don't feel like my case apply to any of those I learned from. I just wish to have experienced people opinions about my situation.

I'm 26 years old, but I've never had a boyfriend before my fianc. I'm christian and I was saving myself for my husband. That really influenced my life, because not that I find my decision wrong, but the way I handled it made me really innocent, right now I even feel stupid.

I never really wanted to date someone who wasn't like me or who didn't share my beliefs. But when I met my fianc I was disappointed at life and he showed me such affection that I had ever experienced.
So we went out in a couple of dates, but after that I tried to finish things saying we were too different. He was so frustrated and really insisted that we should be together because we had something special. My parents didn't approve because he was once married (his wife left him for another man and took his child away) and I should be with someone like me. He felt really bad, because he knew that I liked him and even so I was letting him go.

After a couple of days I decided to face my family and say that I would be with him and I did it. He was really happy, but I was too scared because it was a big step and I knew we were too different. He said he would do anything, so we kept going. The one thing I told him was that I was saving myself for marriage and he agreed.

Then it all started. We would do things that I felt wasn't appropriated and then would blame him. Sometimes I really tried to change the way he were just to my family to approve him more. I wasn't even seeing I was doing that. I accept the way he were, but I wanted my family to love him. We started having big fights almost every week about our differences, sometimes about my fears. I even tried to break up with him a lot of times, because he was getting angry at me. I felt guilty and sometimes I would read stuff about how to make someone fall out of love, just for him to leave me as I couldn't leave him.

But my family eventually accepted him, but my mother didn't take well when she found out that I lost my virginity to him. I felt really guilty about it. Sometimes I went to his house and we had sex, but the other day I would feel guilty and say we would never to that again before we are married. We had a lot of fights, because he said that he felt really lonely and he needed me. The fights never stopped. But he wanted to marry me to make things happen, he never stopped planning on marrying me. We got engaged on February 2016.

Then on March 22 I found that he cheated on me with an ex. I was devastating, because I read everything that talked online. I know he was having a hard time, because the grandparent who raised him was with terminal cancer, still I can only see the lies and cheating. First time he talked to her was on April 2016. He talked about sex they had on the past and asked her to have sex with him again, the only thing they talked was about sex! Then on September 2016 I broke up with him, the same day he talked to her about sex and asked her to come see him in his town. He even payed her tickets. We came back together the next day, but he didn't cancel her trip. So she stayed with him for three days. He said the treated her badly (she confirmed accidentally) and that it meant nothing, he was just feeling really weak and lonely. But when he was with her, he went to my house to give me presents with our names on them! Now I think he went there so I wouldn't suspect anything, and that's exactly what she told me.

At the time I didn't know anything. So we kept going on our wedding plans and still we were fighting about lots of things, because the divorce papers from his first wedding were not with him, and he had to make contact with his ex wife and that was really stressful time for him. Another fight we had was because he wanted to marry me before the civil wedding and I refused because it didn't feel right at the time. He said I was selfish because he grandpa was dying and it was the only chance of him seeing him getting married. Until now he blames me for it.

On December we had a fight because he went to the city of his grandparent and tried to talk about sex with me on the phone (he probably was addict to it because of the other) and even tried, but I felt so dirty that I told him to stop. Then he said we would never work out, because I always made him feel like garbage. He decided to continue with me, but some days after that he called her to come to where he was (she lived there too), she went and he cheated again. Then he called me to go there to be with him and I went. We were fine for 10 days, his grandpa was really bad and feeling pain, he was really sad. When I came back home before new year, he cheated with her again. Then he came back to our city and I think he stopped talking to the girl. At least it how I understand. When he was out of town working he got the news that his granpa with die within some few days, the same day we had a fight over a stupid thing. He blames me forever for that. He went to see his grandpa and broke up with me. I couldn't come to the funeral, but the next day I said I would go see him. The next day I was there and he treated me really badly (the other had appeared in the funeral), I even suspected he was talking to a woman on his phone once. Then we had a big fight, he humiliated me and was so angry. I just had to come back home and I did. I knew he was devastated and broken inside, but I didn't have the strength to stay and be treated that way. It turns out that he went out with her a couple of times there. And even appeared drunk at her house saying he would never forget her. Meanwhile he was calling me saying he was sorry for the way the treated me and still wanted to get married. I knew something was up, because she started posting old pictures he took of her on their old dates.

I was really angry and confronted him, he denied everything. But one of the pictures was the same he had on his instagram and I asked him to delete it and he always told me it meant nothing, he had just forgotten (the woman couldn't be seen clearly on the picture, just the landscape). Once he came back we went out and I went to his house saying that I was decided to change my ways and make our relationship better. We had sex and promise to be together again and get married. He deleted the picture and blocked her as I told him to. Only that she was so angry that she told me everything. She called me bad names and threatened me. I was really scary, angry, sad, disappoint and terrified. I couldn't understand why he did it, she wasn't a person to be even trusted. She is known in her town as a reckless young woman who would have sex with anyone. Even a friend of mine confirmed that when she was dating my fianc she cheated on him many times. She was kicked out of her job because she had sex with her boss's husband! How could he even develop feelings for her? Saying he would never forget her? Or even missing old times where they had whatever adventurous sex it was?

Now he said he was just feeling weak and lonely and didn't feel loved. He was feeling suffocated with my expectations He said he didn't know if the relationship would work out, but he couldn't really break thing with me. He tried, and couldn't. He said that I have to accept that he also has needs.

I feel like forgiving him. We went to counseling. The therapist said that I have to see what he did as a pathology, something I can't cure. She said this is up to the therapist. She said if it wasn't for this situation with his grandparent she would be a lot of hard on him. She said I would never find anyone perfect, and even in a new relationship I wouldn't have guarantees.

I would really like some opinion on this. Because I don't know if I can forget the images from the conversations I've read. I don't know if I can be happy with him, even though he has a lot of qualities. I think that if we get married he will not be satisfied with me and search for someone more sex driven. I'm really afraid he would do it again. Even though he's trying hard to make me feel safe, I just don't seem to get over it.

I would really need some help. I'm really sorry about the size of this story. I have trouble getting to the point.

Joined: Apr 2005
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Simple answer: get out while you can. My circumstances are not identical to yours, but they are close enough. I am also 46 years farther down the road than you are, and I live with sadness and regret every day of my life. Don't do it.

tl

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Can you give me a better explanation why?

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Jessy, affairs are what happens when people cheat on their marriage vows. What you are dealing with is a garden variety sleaze bag. I am willing to bet that, if you spoke to his former wife (don't bother), she would tell you that he cheated through their entire marriage.

If he cannot keep his trousers on while you are dating, there is absolutely no chance that he will do so once you are married. He failed the interview, dump him.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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If he couldn't be faithful before the marriage, why would be be after? He has failed the test for marriage. You feel attached and guilt due to the sexual bond. Don't marry a cheater because you have guilt.

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Agreed. This man is not good marriage material. Don't sign on to a life time of misery with him.


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Welcome to MB Jessy. You are in the right place to get advice on dating and marriage. Dr Harley has a plan for both that will help you have a great marriage some day.

Unfortunately, its not going to be with this guy...

Dating is a job interview, your fiance was interviewing for the job of Husband. If you actually had a job description, would anger, fighting, disrespectfully judging, manipulation, and even multiple occurrences of cheating and lying be listed on it? Of course not! Rather the opposite of all those traits are things you would look for in a husband. So your bf came into the interview, and showed you that he is exactly OPPOSITE what you are looking for (you even said from the beginning he was not really what you were looking for, and because of that even your family disapproved of him). He has shown himself to be a terrible fit for the job of Husband. He did NOT pass the interview, you should show him to the door.

You are young, very young. You have your whole life ahead of you and deserve to be with someone who does not treat you this way. And PLEASE do not think that because you lost your virginity to this guy you have to commit to marriage now. Losing your virginity was maybe mistake #1, but don't add 100 more mistakes to that. It would be a greater mistake to marry him, have kids with him, and live your life in miserable dysfunction with a cheater. Just don't do it. You can find a man who will treat you so much better.

By the way, I think you should stick around and read about this program. You can learn how to set the bar high for the next guy and how to have a great relationship.

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Jessy_Barcelos
Can you give me a better explanation why?

Ask his ex-wife why they divorced. You will probably hear a complete different story.

A relative with cancer is by no means a reason to cheat on your fiance. Being a lousy fiance is the reason he cheated on you. The fighting and cheating will not stop if you marry him. If anything, it will make it easier for him, because it tells him he can get away with it.

Initially, you wanted to stay virgin until you were married. Don't mistake sex for marriage, just because you slept with him. A wedding is committing to each other before God and witnesses. A wedding does not take place in the bedroom.

You need to get out of this relationship before you get pregnant. It will take some time to recover, but you will recover. In time, when you look back at this relationship, you will see it for what it really is. An addictive relationship that keeps you in a destructive grip.

I know his kind of person. Be careful he doesn't sabotage your birth control, just to keep you in his control by getting you pregnant. Run for your life and don't look back. End the relationship and go No Contact. Dark.

Do you know how to cook a frog? If you boil water and throw the frog in the pan, he will jump out. If you put the frog in cold water and slowly turn up the heat, the frog will not jump out, because he cannot feel the gradual rise of temperature.
You are a frog in boiling water. Please jump out while you still can.

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Quote:
Don't mistake sex for marriage, just because you slept with him.


Yes. Yes. Yes. This man does not respect your beliefs or your boundaries, even though they were important to you. Marriage does NOT improve this attitude.

tl

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Originally Posted By: thndrnltng
Quote:
Don't mistake sex for marriage, just because you slept with him.


Yes. Yes. Yes. This man does not respect your beliefs or your boundaries, even though they were important to you. Marriage does NOT improve this attitude.

tl



Yes!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You don't need details of other people's lives. All you need to know is that, during a time of courting--when he is the most solicitous and charming and wooing he is ever likely to be--what was important to you meant nothing to him. If you can't be warned you, you'll have time to remember the warnings later...and THAT will be a sadder day for you than any sad day you've had so far.

tl

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Thank you for your insight! Actually you were all very right. I broke up with him as he started to get more aggressive as we talked about what happened. He even pushed me once and I fell to the floor. He continued to try to manipulate me to stay in the relationship with lies and tried to use pity as a weapon. He still tries to get in touch.

I came back here because I'm really sad and confused. I really miss him and I feel sorry for him all the time. I really want to cure myself from this "addiction".

There's another guy who is always talking to me and giving me attention. I do feel attracted to him, but I can't stop thinking about my ex fianc. So I told this guy that I have to be alone for while.

I still don't know how to get better. I have anxiety problems that are getting worse.

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Hope your anxiety problems are easing up. I understand, I have them myself. In fact, looking back, I got bullied into marriage and the jerk has only gotten worse. Now I'm looking for financial help, guidance, a safe from him space and every day his attitude vets worse. If a man ever pushes you, he'll do it again because you let him. Please be smart enough to block him from contact & never have anything to do with him again! Wish I had had someone to give me insight before he blew that money my mother left me. He has actually been the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE and I've definitely made my share & then some.

RMW


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