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We went to the police to hear the story but they seem set on organising a "mediation" between my husband and I this afternoon. The deputy police commissioner (who seems to be a drinking buddy of my husband's new flatmate, a doctor friend) believes he has a talent for saving marriages. My lawyer advised that we do not argue with him and instead just let him feel like he is solving the problem and it will give my husband a chance to demonstrate to everyone why he is unable to prove the affair is over and why he is refusing to implement EPs.

The reason he bought the police to the house to start with is because he believes i have no right to ask that he picks up the children at the specific time that he said he was going to pick them up - and further believes that I have no right to keep him outside of the house while he continues with his affair (or continues to refuse to prove it is finished, which is the same thing).

I have no idea what he thought it would achieve: so if the police say he must return home, what kind of relationship with his wife would be waiting for him? That i would stay married and agree to his supremacy in the family because the police said so? And I would give up trying to make him behave better?

It is as if he believes I do not have free will. Or that I do not have the right to make decisions about my own life.

He told the police that I have a secret plan to divorce him and that I am gathering evidence. It is so bizarre that he thinks the fact that he got another woman pregnant and that I am raising that child was not MORE than sufficient evidence for anyone anywhere that he has not been the best husband. If I wanted to divorce him, i would have run away years ago. I just want him to be a better man. Although it looks extremely unlikely that that is a plausible outcome of this saga......i feel my lovebank balance draining really low now....


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Wow this sounds incredibly abusive on the part of the police. I think with the police against me I'd move out of that town.

I bet anything that police commissioner with a "talent for saving marriages" is a wayward himself and will be happy to tell you junk like the idea that marriages require people to trust without verifying anything.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Wow so sorry chalkncheese.

When will you be moving?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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***EDIT***

Last edited by Ariel; 04/25/17 02:40 AM. Reason: Privacy

FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Move to a hotel for the next nine days, or stay with a friend.


me, DH
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I am feeling very concerned about your safety. It is not the job of the police to mediate your marriage, I am unnerved that they would be involved in this way.

I can see your WH's desperate attempts to control ramping up as the countdown to his leaving begins. Scary stuff.

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Thanks Markos, BrainHurts, HappyHeart and Unwritten. The "mediation" served to make my WH look like an idiot in front of the police and my lawyer - so I guess that was a positive outcome. His fogbabble was obvious and incriminating, so now I have zero worries about the defamation suit since he has given us all the material we need to get it thrown out. It was quite traumatic to have to sit opposite him and hear him spouting this stuff about how I am "manipulative" and retell the stories of all the "awful" things i have done (collecting evidence of the affair from his cell phone, exposing the affair, reporting assault to the police, reporting OW to the nursing council for her threatening behaviour, etc).

I don't want to say what country I am in because it will immediately identify me to anyone that might be reading (and i have been recommending this site to people). Suffice to say that is generally how the police works in smaller African countries. It does sound bad, but I would like to emphasise that it is possible to use the systems to get justice, you just have to be able to draw on local relationships and understand that the way procedures are implemented depends on both visible and hidden factors. Even in corrupt places, people do still have to officially pretend they are not corrupt (because otherwise enemies could use their corruption against them for political gains) - and if you are someone who has nothing that can be held against them at all (as I am) it is quite difficult for an official not to do what they are supposed to. Corruption feeds off the idea that both the corrupter and the corruptee are doing something wrong, so are partners in crime. I am not a partner in crime.

I have kept my lawyer (who is really good) with me at all times and documented everything. Since the police commissioner was trying to tell me in front of her that I had to talk to him because my husband was threatening "to take the law into his own hands", which would obviously confer some responsibility on the police to protect me, I feel that I am relatively safe from their abuse, although still not comfortable staying here.

I have contacted my husband's employer, an American non-governmental organisation, and provided them with a detailed timeline of all events and asked them what they are going to do about it. I have a lot more confidence in the internal policies and procedures of a US government funded organisation than I do of the legal system here. Since I now have this documented evidence that I am asking for their support and protection as an expatriate spouse with four small children who has been subjected to escalating harassment and whose husband is leaving the country in a few days, I think they will step up their protection of me, especially now that my husband has been replaced as the local country director by an American lady.

My resident's permit here is under the US embassy, so I am also considering writing to the security officer to make them aware of the situation now that the police are involved. They might be able to give me an embassy security guard for my home.

We are unfortunately stuck here in the country until June, although once my husband has left (by next week) I think my life will be calm again.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted By: markos
Wow this sounds incredibly abusive on the part of the police. I think with the police against me I'd move out of that town.

I bet anything that police commissioner with a "talent for saving marriages" is a wayward himself and will be happy to tell you junk like the idea that marriages require people to trust without verifying anything.


EVERYONE is wayward here! Hence extremely high HIV rate. Although I have been interested to find out that there is still a sort of "code among thieves" so people generally believe that if a spouse finds out about an affair then it must stop, and the wayward spouse should be appropriately grovelling and remorseful, even if everyone accepts that affairs happen all the time (and believe there is nothing you can do to prevent it).


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted By: happyheart
Move to a hotel for the next nine days, or stay with a friend.


Hi HappyHeart, my WH today shouted at the police that "I WILL come into my house tonight!!!" so I think leaving might just mean I am giving up my and the kids sanctuary since he would be able to come home unimpeded. At least if I am at home I can keep him out and call the police, security firm and my lawyer if he tries to get in.

I find it so bizarre that he wants to force himself back into the house rather than just grovelling to his wife to make me want him to come back! This is the ultimate in entitlement!!


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted By: unwritten
I am feeling very concerned about your safety. It is not the job of the police to mediate your marriage, I am unnerved that they would be involved in this way.

I can see your WH's desperate attempts to control ramping up as the countdown to his leaving begins. Scary stuff.


I tried to tell the police commissioner that it was not a police matter but he seemed offended and went into a rant about how the entire focus of policing was on prevention of crimes and since my husband has told him he intends to "take the law into his own hands" it is his responsibility to see that no crime is committed. He also seemed hugely offended that I was not grateful for his PERSONAL intervention, emphasising that he could easily have referred us to the conflict resolution department, but since he had been made aware of the issue by his drinking buddy (my husband's friend who is a doctor here) he was taking a personal interest. He is quite a comedy character and, according to my lawyer (everyone knows everyone here), has been appointed way above his competency level for political reasons.

After explaining that he was a saving marriages expert, he then said he was recently widowed and wanted to find an English wife like me rotflmao


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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***EDIT***

Last edited by Ariel; 04/25/17 02:39 AM. Reason: Privacy

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Originally Posted By: chalkncheese

After explaining that he was a saving marriages expert, he then said he was recently widowed and wanted to find an English wife like me rotflmao


Very simple. His message is clear. He is expressing interest in you. He likes you. He will capitalize on the situation to try to win you. Forget about him being offended. Even forget he is trying to help. He is after you but approaching you from a different angle. He is not there to help your WH. He sees opportunity. He will sleep with you given a chance ...even marry you even though he maybe married to someone. The doctor has told him your situation.

He also says he is a marriage expert wanting to make you think you will buy that he is good for a marriage and accept him later on. Seducing you he is. Be aware of this approach because it exists. I am not saying you should not fall for it. That is your decision.

Sorry vets. I am not a vet but I thought I should chime in on this one.

Last edited by WierdSituation; 04/22/17 10:42 AM.

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***EDIT***

Last edited by Ariel; 04/25/17 02:40 AM. Reason: Privacy

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Originally Posted By: chalkncheese

EVERYONE is wayward here!


Exactly the reason everyone there is not sympathetic with you but with WH. Stand your ground. They will wish you would rule their country one day because you bring good values and discipline. hurray


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Update from the weekend: WH forced himself in the house on saturday, took keys, padlocks and gate remote, and sat himself on the sofa declaring that he was not leaving his house. I called the police (who didn't turn up), activated the emergency security alarm, and called all three lawyers we have been dealing with. His lawyer managed to talk him into going to her office for another "mediation" so we both left the house in separate cars and then spent six hours in her office.

WH spent the entire time telling her that I am refusing to talk to him, that I don't understand how problems are resolved in Africa, that my friends are evil and giving me bad advice, and that my demands for evidence that his affair is over are unreasonable. I spent most of the time crying because I suddenly now find it traumatising to be in the same vicinity as him and his lies.

At the end of the 6 hours, his lawyer returned the keys and padlocks to me and said we must all go back to the house and she would leave us to talk (she was actually quite supportive of me since she is in recovery in her own marriage after her husband's cheating put her in a mental institution in 2014). So I again had to state that there had been some misunderstanding that my participation in this "mediation" was in no way an indication that I would let him back in the house and that there is no way I am willing to compromise on him having to provide evidence of honesty, openness and no contact with OW before we can move forward at all. He is trying everything possible to avoid any kind of evidence. It depresses me so much. But at least the situation ended with him leaving us alone and me back in the house with the kids, feeling safer since I had made it so widely known that he had forced his way in. If he does it again, i will apply for a restraining order.

The whole weekend was really difficult and my plan B is in tatters. But just a week or so left before he leaves the country.....


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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WH seems to be running scared today because OW has been arrested and fingerprinted. He has been phoning my two lawyers saying that he will talk to her to drop the civil case against me if I can stop the criminal case for threats against her. Since I showed leniency before and she continued to harass me, i can't really take that route again. The police would think I was an idiot and wouldn't help me again in future if I had more to complain about. But am quite heartened to see that they are finally feeling the pressure. And provides yet more evidence that they are definitely still in contact!!!

He tried to call me just now but I didn't answer. He can put whatever he wants to say in an email in writing so that I add it to my evidence file.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted By: chalkncheese
Update from the weekend: WH forced himself in the house on saturday, took keys, padlocks and gate remote, and sat himself on the sofa declaring that he was not leaving his house.


I'm so sorry you are going through this. It happened to me too.
Stay strong, soon this will be a distant memory.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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Originally Posted By: living_well
Originally Posted By: chalkncheese
Update from the weekend: WH forced himself in the house on saturday, took keys, padlocks and gate remote, and sat himself on the sofa declaring that he was not leaving his house.


I'm so sorry you are going through this. It happened to me too.
Stay strong, soon this will be a distant memory.


Thanks a lot Living Well. I am so grateful for the support of this forum. But the events of the weekend have already been overtaken by the new craziness of this week. My husband is now running around like a headless chicken calling everyone he can think of to try and get OW out of trouble (although he only tried to call me directly once ;)). He seems to be acting as intermediary between her lawyer and mine, and is begging everyone to let him talk directly to me - but my lawyer is just batting him away. Amazing how he suddenly knows how to put in effort to achieve things when he has been pretending he doesn't know what effort is when it comes to me and the kids. A single phone call has been way too much effort for him every Saturday to arrange a time to take the kids out. I am so glad for the knowledge of the addictiveness of affairs because otherwise I would be REALLY hurt.

There is no way I am letting these two court cases go now that they have been brought to me - and my previous good natured leniency thrown back in my face. I want the opportunity to claim my costs and damages!!


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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My father was an alcoholic who died of cirrhosis at age 56. I can absolutely see from my husband's behaviour that an affair generates the same kind of characteristic actions and deception that my family and I lived with my whole childhood and young adult life from my father. It's amazing that only Dr Harley has described affairs in this way.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Affairs are a way of life for your husband. He has used deception as a means to maintain and enhance his secret second life for years. He's a "headless chicken" now because it is public knowledge that he is not the man he pretends to be.

I hope you are able to move and end the craziness soon.


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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