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Originally Posted By: armymama
Affairs are a way of life for your husband. He has used deception as a means to maintain and enhance his secret second life for years. He's a "headless chicken" now because it is public knowledge that he is not the man he pretends to be.

I hope you are able to move and end the craziness soon.


Thanks Armymama. It is so clear to me now that I can't understand how I believed his rubbish for so long. Although he is an impressively good liar and manipulator. Even my lawyer is impressed.

We will move in June but at least my husband will be gone from the country by the end of this month. That will only leave OW and her friends to deal with!


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Can you move NOW instead of in June? I am very worried about your safety. WH has lost control and is ramping up his behavior, and the police don't even respond. Others force you to sit down face to face with him for 6 hours for 'mediation.' Is everyone in this whole country in a fog??? It is as if nobody believes that you have free will and control your OWN life. I would take your kids and get the heck out of there asap!!!!

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Originally Posted By: unwritten
Can you move NOW instead of in June? I am very worried about your safety. WH has lost control and is ramping up his behavior, and the police don't even respond. Others force you to sit down face to face with him for 6 hours for 'mediation.' Is everyone in this whole country in a fog??? It is as if nobody believes that you have free will and control your OWN life. I would take your kids and get the heck out of there asap!!!!


Me too!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: unwritten
Can you move NOW instead of in June? I am very worried about your safety. WH has lost control and is ramping up his behavior, and the police don't even respond. Others force you to sit down face to face with him for 6 hours for 'mediation.' Is everyone in this whole country in a fog??? It is as if nobody believes that you have free will and control your OWN life. I would take your kids and get the heck out of there asap!!!!


Me too!


Thank you Unwritten and Markos for your support. Unfortunately, OW has now submitted an additional application to court that I must pay a surety of around 20 000 dollars because I am foreign and might leave the country before the civil lawsuit she brought against me is finished. So, I actually can't leave the country. My lawyer is contesting it, but I have to wait until it is done. She was arrested and held in custody yesterday, and we were in court this morning for her bail hearing, but her lawyer (who might be related to her, according to my lawyer) told the judge he is launching additional actions against me and the police that arrested her. Next court date set for May 9. Nothing more from WH today so far.

I definitely feel that no one thinks I have control of my own life. I am only just starting to understand the systematic oppression of women in this context. You can't see it until you try to fight against it. And then everyone I come across is pressuring me to do the opposite of what I know is right for me and my children. If I did not have a good job and the education to use official systems to protect myself, I would not be able to defend myself against all these attacks. But I am OK for now. And now that OW has finally got to court, we are on the home straight. WH is leaving the country at the end of the week.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Sorry I just noticed in my post above that it seems like I am saying my lawyer was arrested. That is not the case (although I guess we can't rule anything out in this saga!). OW was the one arrested again yesterday.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Progress at last! OW has been suspended by the Nursing Council (she is a nurse) - probably pending the outcome of the criminal case. Seems like she had the nursing council disciplinary hearing immediately after the court appearance on Wednesday morning. Ironically, I found out through a friend who saw it on facebook - so I guess my exposure letters, sent to a handful of people via private message, somehow don't seem so bad now...

I have also had a call with global HR for their company after I contacted them about the ongoing harassment and legal stuff. They were very supportive of me and the kids. They will help cover our costs of moving out of the country, said they will provide support if I need any emergency assistance in case of security issues, and I also requested that they cancel any plans WH has to return to the country after leaving this week. They seemed to think that was a reasonable suggestion.

WH sent me a cease and desist letter yesterday saying me contacting his employer is a breach of his dignity. laugh Bring it on!

I hope that other BSs can learn from my experience DO NOT BE SCARED WHEN PEOPLE THREATEN YOU WITH LEGAL STUFF! As long as you are always calm and professional in your communications, and the information you share with other people is always clearly intended to protect your family rather than be nasty, you have nothing to worry about.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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So nice to hear this positive outcome thus far. Way to stay strong, my friend.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Dignity definition: the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect. Nope, sorry WH you do not fit into that description right now.

But you do chalk, and he has trounced all over that with his endless cheating.

He himself has damaged his own dignity, by acting dishonorably. You just told the truth.

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So glad to hear that you are getting support and that things are looking up.

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Thanks BrainHurts, Unwritten and Justthe3ofus. Unfortunately, the positive patch didn't last long. Another violent and angry incident by WH today - but at least he has now left the country. I guess it was one last effort to "win" in what he thinks is a power struggle against me and my "stubborness" (translation: refusing to give in to allow him to continue his relationship and SSL while having a lovely family and the facade of being a great guy).

Called lawywers, police, and his country office again. But now that everyone is aware of the situation, it is much easier to mobilise support.

He thinks he is leaving the country with the intention of coming back to move out properly in June. But now that I have connected with the global HR office of his company, we are trying to make sure there is no legitimate work reason for him to return. I will also see whether it is possible for them to request that his visa is cancelled, now that his contract in this country has ended. I think they would do it right away if I reported the violence. But I am worried about the implications for him ever being able to get a visa ever again - and I might want him to come and see his children.

Some textbook fogbabble on emails today since he got on the plane. Everything is my fault. He tells me he hopes i wake up from my nastiness (?!) "Leave OW out of it. It is between me and you" - what is between us? You having an affair and refusing to break up with her? We didn't even have any problems in our relationship that I am aware of. We were happy.

I also found proof this afternoon that WH definitely paid for OW to sue me. I guess it doesn't make any difference. It is no worse than all the other things he has done. And he wasn't making any secret of the fact that he thought she was right to do so. So I guess it makes sense. Oh well, I will just get my lawyer to request those incriminating bank statements and we will present them at the trial. I guess he will be paying my damages too.....so I will make them sufficiently large....


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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It is so hard to see how addicted he is to OW. He is destroying absolutely everything in his life - his job, his family, his marriage. Why? And she is such an awful person! I know he never felt like that about me. Is affair love so much more powerful than normal conventional love when you meet and date without cheating on other people?!


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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They all 'affair down'. The OW in my case was overweight, single and desperate with a criminal history. With someone like that he could feel both powerful and in control. To him it felt as if he was getting unconditional admiration.

Although serial adultery is about the chase/conquest, they do from time to time get addicted to their victims. Is it more powerful than conventional love? Interesting question, I think the secrecy heightens the adrenaline. But the lack of domestic chores helps to keep the mistress relationship enticing. Nothing particularly sexy about dirty socks on the floor.


3 adult children
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Now remarried, thank you MB
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Originally Posted By: chalkncheese
Another violent and angry incident by WH today - but at least he has now left the country.


I hope you and the children are ok. This is not good.

Originally Posted By: chalkncheese
I will also see whether it is possible for them to request that his visa is cancelled, now that his contract in this country has ended. I think they would do it right away if I reported the violence. But I am worried about the implications for him ever being able to get a visa ever again - and I might want him to come and see his children.


I'll let the others chime in on this but my instinct is that you should report the violence.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
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My question is, "Why would you want someone who has violent and angry incidents to be able to come see your children?". I would report the violence. If he doesn't get to see the children, it is a consequence of his actions.


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted By: armymama
My question is, "Why would you want someone who has violent and angry incidents to be able to come see your children?". I would report the violence. If he doesn't get to see the children, it is a consequence of his actions.

I so agree.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Violence should always be reported.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thank you everyone. You are all right (of course!). I don't know what I was thinking not to report it - I guess it is the remaining bit of BS fog I am struggling with. I will do the report today and I will also file for a restraining order. Even though he has now left the country, he could easily fly back and I would feel safer if he was not able to come to the house.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted By: living_well
They all 'affair down'. The OW in my case was overweight, single and desperate with a criminal history. With someone like that he could feel both powerful and in control. To him it felt as if he was getting unconditional admiration.

Although serial adultery is about the chase/conquest, they do from time to time get addicted to their victims. Is it more powerful than conventional love? Interesting question, I think the secrecy heightens the adrenaline. But the lack of domestic chores helps to keep the mistress relationship enticing. Nothing particularly sexy about dirty socks on the floor.


Yeah, my WH definitely likes these women who depend on him for money and are impressed by flashy cars, clothes and watches. He has ultimate power over them if they need him for money - which I don't. I met him when he was a student and had nothing. I have never cared about status symbols. But he has always been frustrated that people look at us as a couple as ask him how he managed to get a wife like me. Even his lawyer said that to him last weekend during our 6 hours of "mediation". I didn't realise how angry it made him until these past couple of months. He's got such an enormous ego he can't stand the idea that people think he is not worthy of me (which he obviously isn't!!!!). He thinks I should be grateful that he has allowed me to bear his children (and raise another one that is not mine). And that I should be grateful for that and keep out of the rest of his life so he can get the adoration he believes is his right.

I have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for basically the entire past 3 years. Three miscarriages at 3 months, followed by a normal pregnancy, then 10 months of breastfeeding....I have definitely not been fun or sexy. I've barely been awake. But my baby daughter is so beautiful, lovely and calm, so I can't regret the time and effort it took to bring her to the world even if it gave WH an extra excuse to treat his family like rubbish.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Just found out WH told his employer that I have post-natal depression (I don't) and that I have gone crazy and imagined the affair......so that explains why the initial work exposure didn't get very far.....

Thank goodness for all the police and court stuff - at least now I have documents and evidence to prove this is not all in my mind!

And if he was so concerned about my mental health, why would he leave the house and let me raise four kids alone?!?!?


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted By: chalkncheese
Thank you everyone. You are all right (of course!). I don't know what I was thinking not to report it - I guess it is the remaining bit of BS fog I am struggling with. I will do the report today and I will also file for a restraining order. Even though he has now left the country, he could easily fly back and I would feel safer if he was not able to come to the house.



AS a woman who has have violence against myself- the violence you don't report always seems to come back later and hurt you over and over and over.... even if it is in a lost chance with legal stuff.
If you report it- it is just the truth and you can't think about what might happen to him. He should have thought of that before he hurt you!

Please please tell me that you reported this!!!

And- I am so so so sorry that it has happened to you.


BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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