I apologize if this has been answered before. I searched for 45 mins and couldn't find what I wanted. My sister made an accusation to me around 20 years ago that my dad had an affair with Mrs. X. She's never mentioned it again and I don't know if she got confirmation. She avoids conflict, so I doubt she asked my father.

My parents are now in their final years; my mom is ill and in physical rehab for a recent fall that broke her hip. I believe my sister's judgmental behavior and distaste for the presumed affair is impacting the decisions she makes with respect to my mom and dad's welfare. Therefore, I'd like the issue cleared up pretty soon.

Rather than ask my sister if she got any proof or (doubtfully) approached my father with the question, I was wondering:

Should I ask my father if he had an affair? How do I ask without being disrespectful or rude?

I thought about approaching him with the approach that my sister raised the suspicion that he had an affair with Mrs. X. She hasn't mentioned it again, but you should know that the suspicion was raised and it was only fair to let him address it. If he comes back and says, in paraphrase, "It's none of your business." how do I continue the conversation? Should I honor my father and let it drop, unaddressed? Do I respond with something to the effect that it affects the family and therefore it affects me, our family, etc. and therefore is my business (or something more effective; my lower EQ fails me in coming up with a respectful rebuttal)?

Any suggestions? I believe Dr. Harley covered this in a recent radio program, but I don't recall how best to approach the situation. Thanks in advance for any advice.

SnS

Did your Sister say why she believes your Father had the affair?

No, she offered nothing else. Just a suspicion on her part. I was narcissistic at the time and didn't care, thus I didn't follow up with good questioning. I had a "whatever, Sis" attitude.

SNS, I would start by asking your sister what she knows because you are unlikely to get the truth from your father if it is true. I would try and find out if I were you because if it is true, you don't want the "OW" showing up at your mothers funeral or other family events.

That being said, if your sister is mistreating your parents, it should be stopped regardless of the reasons. That does not entitle her to mistreat your parents.

In other words, the affair and your sisters treatment of your parents are entirely separate issues.

I totally agree. Ask your Sister and follow up on the mistreatment of your parents.

As a quick clarification, my sister isn't mistreating them. She is trying to influence decisions that will benefit my mom at the expense of my dad's wallet, since he will likely outlive her.

Can you be more specific? i am not sure I understand.

Medicare and Medicaid have very strict rules regarding what assets must be liquidated prior to insurance covering a chronically ill elder. Your sister may not have a choice.