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Messy #2898609 05/10/17 05:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Messy
All I know is general frequency and mostly it occurred in my house. Which is an unbearable thought. I want to know activities. Apparently it was fairly regular for the last 5 mos

i would want to know where in the house this took place. Wow, wow, about doing it in your house. What precautions have you put in place to prevent this from ever happening again in your house? Did you not suspect she was having the OM in your home?

What is your plan about that house?

Have the kids been exposed to the OM? Have you asked them?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Messy #2898610 05/10/17 05:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Messy
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
So he can contact her many other ways. Did he move out?

I believe OMW is making him stay at his dads.

Yes, I'm going to discuss tech EPs tonight to prevent contact

Does she know he was coming to your home?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I know where it mostly happened. And asked about a few specific places to make sure it didn't happen. Is it healthy to ask about the activities? I'm afraid ill never get it out of my head. But I guess I'm already assuming the worst.

Only the youngest at first, but then WW heard me asking her who she saw that day so that ended it.

Messy #2898612 05/10/17 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Messy
All I know is general frequency and mostly it occurred in my house. Which is an unbearable thought. I want to know activities. Apparently it was fairly regular for the last 5 mos
Does this mean that it was never an EA, as you thought - that it was sexual from the beginning? How long has the affair been overall?

Does it also mean that it never stopped, all the time you were posting on this board about how positive she seemed, and how she had ended it with him?

Where were the kids when they were having sex in your house? And how did he manage to get away from his job, or wherever he was supposed to be?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Messy #2898614 05/10/17 05:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Messy
I know where it mostly happened. And asked about a few specific places to make sure it didn't happen. Is it healthy to ask about the activities? I'm afraid ill never get it out of my head. But I guess I'm already assuming the worst.

My suggestion would be to not ask that for the very reasons you gave. You know it happened, so getting details is going to make it harder to scrub out of your mind. As long as you have the basic details, that should be sufficient.

Quote
Only the youngest at first, but then WW heard me asking her who she saw that day so that ended it.

How old are the kids? If they are over 4, I would sit the kids down alone and ask them what they have seen. I am assuming you told them all about the affair? They should be coached to tell you if they ever see this rat.

I don't care if your wife heard you ask your child who she saw. I would be more direct, ask the child "have you seen this man?" That rat is the enemy of your children, they have every right to know he is a bad man.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Messy #2898615 05/10/17 05:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Messy
I know where it mostly happened. And asked about a few specific places to make sure it didn't happen.
You mentioned that you found out with the VAR that it had become sexual. What, exactly, did the VAR tell you?

How did you find out these other details - about it taking place in your home, for example?

How do you know that sex took place in some parts of the home and not others (I presume, by this, that you believe that it did not happen in your bed)? Did she tell you these details, or did you find out some other way?


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Ok lots of questions. I'll try to cover them all.

SC - at the original exposure the most they had done was kiss. It turned full PA in December. It never actually ended, they lied to everyone. POSOM lost his job, so he was free to conduct the A while OMW and I worked to support the 2 of them. It makes me furious.

Kids were at school or asleep

They discussed sex on the VAR. ugh, some of What WW said is unbearable.

WW told me the locations and claims not in my bed



Messy #2898621 05/10/17 06:37 PM
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Have you told your kids?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Messy #2898622 05/10/17 06:52 PM
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What happened on this recent D Day? What did you say to your wife? How did she respond?

Did you know that she was planning to meet OM after exposure? Did you try to stop this, if so?

What did they talk about at this meeting? Did your wife explain why it was necessary for them to meet at all?

Did OM dump your wife, or does she claim to have dumped him? And - do you know why, since his marriage has apparently broken down, one of them appears to have dumped the other? Why not just get together- did she tell you?

Did you expose this new information (that the affair was sexual, and that it had never stopped) to OMW, straight away? What was her response?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Messy #2898623 05/10/17 06:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Messy
Kids were at school or asleep
Under what circumstances was a sleeping child present in the home when this was taking place? Was it at night - and if so, where were you - or do you have a pre-schooler who was asleep during the day?


BW
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by Messy
Kids were at school or asleep
Under what circumstances was a sleeping child present in the home when this was taking place? Was it at night - and if so, where were you - or do you have a pre-schooler who was asleep during the day?

Also, how old are your kids and have they been told about the affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I was always at work, it was with our preschooler at home

Messy #2898629 05/10/17 09:27 PM
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I need to tell our oldest. I haven't had the courage to tell her yet...

Messy #2898631 05/10/17 09:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Messy
I need to tell our oldest. I haven't had the courage to tell her yet...

How old is this child? And how old is the youngest? There are 2 children?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes at new dday everything was exposed. WW expressed that it was mostly led by OMbut it was mutual to end things. I had no idea they met, WW and OM got nervous as I was exposing and met once things finally broke out.

Basically OM chose his reputation and family over WW. OM father basically set OM straight, he was a victim of infidelity. And WW father also pointed out to WW how much she was used.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
[quote=Messy]

How old is this child? And how old is the youngest? There are 2 children?

Oldest is 12. Youngest is 3, 4 kids total

Messy #2898640 05/10/17 09:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Messy
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
[quote=Messy]

How old is this child? And how old is the youngest? There are 2 children?

Oldest is 12. Youngest is 3, 4 kids total

What are their ages?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Messy #2898643 05/10/17 10:18 PM
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Read this and listen to the radio clips.
Exposing to Children


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Messy,

I'm very surprised that, given the length of your W's affair, the question of including your kids in your exposures has not come up, or that you haven't been grilled harder on this. Your 12-yr old dau. must certainly be wondering what's going on. I'm assuming that your middle kids are ages 4 - 11 (between age 3 and age 12). You've hardly mentioned your kids at all, and the effect of your W's affair on them. It has to be affection them. I realize this is 'scary' for you, but as their father you need to take the reins and expose to them.

It seems you rely almost entirely on what your W expresses or admits to you, and so far seems she's mislead you or completely stonewalling. The supposed 'epiphany' she had the other night is an example. If I were in your situation I would require her to submit to a polygraph, with you submitting the questions. I also say this because it's pretty much a brazen disreguard of you and the safety of your kids for her to allow her OM into your own home. E.g., do you really know how many times this happened, were ANY of your kids there, and if so did they see the OM, what was said?, and etc.? Have you installed VAR's or other surveillance equip. in various rooms of your home?

It seems you're behind the curve in monitoring no contact. You seem genuinely surprised that this affair has been on-going under your nose and that the most recent contact surprised you. What steps are you taking to ratchet up your surveillance?. You also need to dedicate yourself in getting much more up-to-speed in reading and understanding MB. Reading just part of SAA in your situation seems an indicator that you're not fully into this. Also you need to disclose to the members here more factual info about your situation so they can offer appropriate advice so you and they are not spinning your wheels. E.g., None here know the ages of your kids if of you have discussed your W's affair with them.

You have a lot of work to do and I wish you prayers and good luck.

Tom




















Tom2010 #2898647 05/11/17 06:42 AM
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Kids are 3, 5, 7, 12.

I don't know how many times it happened, but found out last night it happened while they were all here and in my own bed. Ugh, I'm not sure how to get past that one.

House watching will increase for sure. We will definitely need to move.

I'm going to get up to speed on telling the kids today. That part terrifies me.


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