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What would you do if you were divorcing? How would you handle things then? Since that is where you are headed unless she ends this A and agrees to the EPs (including moving), you are going to have to deal with how to handle the kids either way.

I would see an attorney and find out what your rights are in separation and divorce asap. Do not leave your home and do not agree to nesting!

Messy #2898801 05/13/17 08:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
ML - I understand.

Any guidance on Plan B with 4 kids when I work full time and she is a SAHM?

Nesting seems like the easiest, but I know that's not effective. I have some help from family, but it would be really tough to manage the kids and work... It just seems overwhelming, I guess I could pay for childcare, but I don't know how I'd afford it...

Nesting would be a disaster that would prevent you from entering Plan B. I would contact a lawyer and make plans to move out. Get legal protection. Plan B should mimic a divorce, where you completely separate your lives. If you were divorced, how would you handle childcare?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Messy #2898804 05/13/17 10:42 AM
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Will she write the NC letter? Agree to the EPs? Are you going to see a lawyer?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts

I just want to point out that this advice does not apply to Plan B. Dr Harley said that when a man goes into Plan B, he should leave.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by BrainHurts

I just want to point out that this advice does not apply to Plan B. Dr Harley said that when a man goes into Plan B, he should leave.
Thanks for pointing that out. And that very statement from Dr. Harley is at the end of the "men don't leave your home" thread.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I should be able to figure out plan B fairly well, I have a place to stay and enough help from friends and family to juggle the kiddos. It just is frustrating that I have to leave the home. It's just added punishment for me.

Messy #2898815 05/13/17 04:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Messy
I should be able to figure out plan B fairly well, I have a place to stay and enough help from friends and family to juggle the kiddos. It just is frustrating that I have to leave the home. It's just added punishment for me.
Do you have an IM lined up? When will you be seeing a lawyer?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you read this? How to Plan B Correctly


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Messy #2898817 05/13/17 06:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Messy
I should be able to figure out plan B fairly well, I have a place to stay and enough help from friends and family to juggle the kiddos. It just is frustrating that I have to leave the home. It's just added punishment for me.

Messy, you should consider Plan B if you start suffering emotionally and physically. You have been in Plan A a very long time. Dr Harley recommends 6 months for men and up to a year if they are in good shape emotionally. You need to decide if you are at the point where you need to go into Plan B.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Messy #2898820 05/13/17 09:35 PM
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Messy, your statement indicates very little if anything of your intent and your current situation. Have you decided on implementing Plan B, and why? Is this your true decision, or, as unwritten implied yesterday, are you responding with what you think would impress the members advising you. You offer very vague one or two sentence responses, and that indicates to me that you've pretty much checked out of MB and only return for sympathy when going your own way gets touqh and backfires on you! Melody just offered you accurate advice about the timing and reason for Plan B You owe it to her to acknowledge her for her effort and at least honestly disclose your situation.

Tom





Tom

Last edited by Tom2010; 05/13/17 09:55 PM.
Tom2010 #2898822 05/13/17 10:13 PM
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I should add that you might be they type of person who feels reluctant to disclose information about your situation to the forum here. If that is the case I would urge you to contact Dr. Harley for individual counseling.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Messy, you should consider Plan B if you start suffering emotionally and physically. You have been in Plan A a very long time. Dr Harley recommends 6 months for men and up to a year if they are in good shape emotionally. You need to decide if you are at the point where you need to go into Plan B.

Honestly, I'm really trying to decide. I think the effects of exposure to the kids really had me reeling. The anger I received from her and her family was quite shocking and painful. I was assuming WW was done based on her responses and what she said. Even though its only been just a few days since then, WW's anger has dissipated considerably. I think she sees why I did it, and also sees that the kids aren't as messed up as she assumed it would make them.

I think the biggest thing to happen during exposure was that I realized I need to not be acting out of fear.

The last time I requested the EPs was during the anger of exposure, which does not surprise me that she rejected me. After the intensity has simmered, and WW told me last night she does love me, she's just trying to re-learn how to, I have a glimmer of hope.

My emotional state has been much better the last 24 hours and I think I can manage a bit more time of plan A.

I think WW knows about the forums, after I showed her the checklist for plan A in SAA, I told her about the radio clips and articles on the website when she was trying to understand why I told the kids, I know she poked around the website after I said that. Hence some of my vagueness around plan B. Right now I have some more plan A left in me, and I will not yield on the EPs.

Messy #2898831 05/14/17 07:20 AM
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I should also add, that as I've come down from the emotions of exposure I feel in a much better state. I'm gaining confidence in myself, and I know I wont give in on the EPs.

Also, I know WW is very depressed right now, so I think that gives me the strength to muster more plan A, because my hope is that the deep depression is a sign of continued no contact.

Finally, my last motivation to stay in plan A for a bit longer is that I realized the last 9 months it makes sense why WW didnt acknowledge any of my changes, OM was constantly telling her it didnt mean anything and that I was just faking it for my own motives. If I can get the EPs in place, I'm optimistic my changes will start to sink in, and wont be met with resentment and anger...

Last edited by Messy; 05/14/17 07:25 AM.
Messy #2898832 05/14/17 08:18 AM
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Messy, did oyu have any idea she was bringing the OM into your home during the day? What have your children said about this:? What have they seen? Did she see her BF at the mall the other day? Are you asking them these questions?

What is your plan to keep this from happening again?

Also, when you exposed the affair to her family and yours, did you tell them she was bringing the OM into your home and conducting the affair? What was the response of your exposure targets? You are very vague so its hard to follow your situation.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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No, I had no idea OM was in my house. Children were at school or asleep. The kids also had no idea OM was around, they know him well and would have quickly said something, also they all were surprised about this at exposure and have not seen OM.

WW continues to attest to no contact with OM, but all I have at this point is her word and the limited snooping I can do.

Right now I've been home since exposure, I need to make a plan for going forward. As I said before, until the EPs are in place I'm going to assume the A is still active. I'm going to work today to figure this plan out.

When I exposed I didn't know the extent of the A, it wasn't until after exposure that WW confessed all the details, and that OM was routinely in my home.

All of my exposure targets, including WW family were insisting that the A needed to end. So there is certainly a lot of pressure to keep it ended.

I still love WW and I can maintain plan A until the EPs are in place in true recovery has started.

Last edited by Messy; 05/14/17 09:01 AM.
Messy #2898836 05/14/17 09:33 AM
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I would set up some real good spyware in your home, such as cams and VARs. Do you have a plan to set this up?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Messy #2898839 05/14/17 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
until the EPs are in place in true recovery has started.
This isn't going to work while you live in the same town as him.

He is unemployed, and your wife is at home all day with the kids, and evidently, you go away sometimes for work. Even if you never go away again, his unemployment and her SAHM status make this an open goal. That was the backdrop against which he was able to be "routinely in your home", having sex in your bed while your little one slept. Even if he never enters your home again, your wife is free all day to talk to him and possibly meet him.

Please stop talking as if "EPs" mean openness and transparency alone. They cannot begin to work until you move away from there.


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I'm installing security cameras on Tuesday.

Next major EP will be monitoring electronic communications, which will most likely be Mspy.

At that point the next step is moving, which will happen this summer. I've already made contact with a realtor, need to get some work done on the house in order to sell it. OMW does plan to move as well, but I'm not sure when or how far, either way, I want to move, too many triggers in this house.

Messy #2898843 05/14/17 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
I'm installing security cameras on Tuesday.

Good! Is this being done without your wife's knowledge, though?

Quote
Next major EP will be monitoring electronic communications, which will most likely be Mspy.

At that point the next step is moving, which will happen this summer. I've already made contact with a realtor, need to get some work done on the house in order to sell it. OMW does plan to move as well, but I'm not sure when or how far, either way, I want to move, too many triggers in this house.

I would move far enough away that it is not easy for her to get to the OM or ever run into him. If you are thinking about moving 30 miles away, that will not do the trick.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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