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Do you want to continue on knowing that your husband is not committed to you, but putting on the front of an in tact marriage?

That is what I mean by "pick your poison". It will be a slow agony of a thousand cuts (and besides, I'm sure that others in your circle already realize that your husband is cheating).


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We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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Originally Posted By: IntuitionGMH
I am ready to leave him as I don't feel any love or support from him. I want to so badly as we have been married 17 years but it has always been about him and always will. I was always, what I thought, strong..hey..i can ignore this cause i know who i am..but i don't want to do that any more. I think of the song.. Neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye..but.. you know..I don't think he cares... I do...but I think I just keep waiting for a glimmer of hope..we did have some good years but basically he always blames any woman he has been with.
But we can see that he has been allowed to act like this. You have zero hope of ever seeing that glimmer that you wish for until you stop enabling his poor behavior. Can you see why we say this?


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Also, what is 'strong' about ignoring problems and sweeping them under the rug? What is strong about enabling a cheater?

Going to a party at OW's house does not make you strong. Get that out of your head.

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yes some of them know as they have put 2 and 2 together. the others keep asking me why i am no longer friends with the WS who they think is such a nice person..ie// what is wrong with me! i am protecting both of them by keeping their secret... but i keep thinking why should i air my dirty laundry. i am totally screwed up.. thx for your help.


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yes and he has a way of always turning things against me. i am the culprit skulking around checking his emails (which i no longer do). i am the jailer asking him to abide by the boundaries he agreed to but does not want to withhold as he wants to "apologize" to her... cause now that he has cancer he feels a need to apologize to the people he has hurt including her! WTF.. i no longer know what to think! i feel crazy.


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you r right. i did NOT go to the party as i did remain strong and maintained the boundary i set up at the beginning.. no contact with her. she has sent me a couple of emails asking to be friends and both times i have responded with the same message... NO Contact. she walks by our house but i never walk by hers. i feel that is an invasion and she is a predator. i am sick of thinking these things. i always have looked for the best in people. my husband feels he s/b able to say hi to her if she walks by and exchange niceties. i say NO.. he calls me the jailer and he wants out of prison. i guess i better give him the key. i have said i don't want to live almost next door to her.. so close i get her wifi signal.. he wants to stay here cause he doesn't want the stress of moving now that he has cancer. he is in remission but feels the stress would bring it back faster. i no longer have friends around me as they were all tied in with our friendship w the WS. i feel like all i do is complain.. i s/b figuring this out.. i am beyond help .. perhaps some counseling is in order .. we have talked divorce and i guess i didn't want to go that route but i am going to have to put my big girl panties on and just let it be done. i am talking out loud here.. thx for being a sounding board.


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Originally Posted By: IntuitionGMH
you r right. i did NOT go to the party as i did remain strong and maintained the boundary i set up at the beginning.. no contact with her. she has sent me a couple of emails asking to be friends and both times i have responded with the same message... NO Contact. she walks by our house but i never walk by hers. i feel that is an invasion and she is a predator. i am sick of thinking these things. i always have looked for the best in people. my husband feels he s/b able to say hi to her if she walks by and exchange niceties. i say NO.. he calls me the jailer and he wants out of prison. i guess i better give him the key. i have said i don't want to live almost next door to her.. so close i get her wifi signal.. he wants to stay here cause he doesn't want the stress of moving now that he has cancer. he is in remission but feels the stress would bring it back faster. i no longer have friends around me as they were all tied in with our friendship w the WS. i feel like all i do is complain.. i s/b figuring this out.. i am beyond help .. perhaps some counseling is in order .. we have talked divorce and i guess i didn't want to go that route but i am going to have to put my big girl panties on and just let it be done. i am talking out loud here.. thx for being a sounding board.


Big girl panties is not just for filing for divorce. They
also do a fabulous job doing a full exposure. And, it is never
to late for you to expose.

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You keep repeating the same things. What is your plan? What are you going to do?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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The thing is, this forum is not set up to be a sounding board. We are not hear to blog or to read each other's blogs. We are here to help you either 1) have marital recovery or 2) have personal recovery. Either can be achieved if you follow Dr Harley's plan. NEITHER can be achieved if you follow your own illogical plan. You are living the results of ignoring our advice and following your own plan right now.

I am confused as to why you came back when you seem to want to continue to blog about your own illogical plan rather than seek help in following Dr Harley's plan finally. Your first post back was all about why you were wrong to not expose, yet you still seem reluctant to expose. You still refer to it as 'airing your dirty laundry,' when you know Dr Harley does not view it that way at all.

We would all love to see you recover from this one way or the other. But you need to be serious about taking action this time, and not enabling this affair.

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I know, i am such a waffler i can't stand it. the affair ended Nov 27 2015 and my husband says he has moved on. it is over. he is sorry. i have had angry outbursts. i did not deal with this for a year while he had chemo so it is fresh again as he is back in his life. so my plan is this, thanks to the guidance i received here.

I am going to stop the angry outbursts as they are a love bank killer.
I am going to expose the affair to friends and family.
I am going to maintain the requirement for a boundary around the OW.. absolutely no contact between her and my WH... ( i just saw her yesterday, she is in town).
Do you suggest I pay her a visit and tell her how I feel as she has reached out to me 3 times to be "friends again" which I will NOT. I feel I would like to tell her what this has done to me, her former "best friend". Or do you see no value in that?
I am going to believe what my WH is telling me and judge him only by his actions and not his words and "move on" appropriately from there. ie/ if he has contact with her and I feel unsafe, I leave. OTW I will stay. I want to stay for him due to his cancer bottom line but I also have to honor my needs.
So that is where I am at. Thank you for helping me to focus and get more real here.
Very much appreciated.


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How can you maintain no contact if she lives right there? I don't think you are taking this seriously and if you won't take it seriously, neither will he.

Your list is just empty feel good measures that will achieve nothing because you still live right there close to the OW. You are still trying to take half measures, which is why you are still dealing with this years later. Half measures will avail you nothing. Don't waste your time.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: IntuitionGMH
Do you suggest I pay her a visit and tell her how I feel as she has reached out to me 3 times to be "friends again" which I will NOT. I feel I would like to tell her what this has done to me, her former "best friend". Or do you see no value in that?


She doesn't give one WHIT about your feelings so that would be a waste of time.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
How can you maintain no contact if she lives right there? I don't think you are taking this seriously and if you won't take it seriously, neither will he.

Your list is just empty feel good measures that will achieve nothing because you still live right there close to the OW. You are still trying to take half measures, which is why you are still dealing with this years later. Half measures will avail you nothing. Don't waste your time.

I agree. I think you need to do as MelodyLane told you to expose and go into Plan B because it is very obvious your WH has no intentions on protecting you or your marriage when he still wants to be able to "talk with" the OW.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Dr Harley already has a list and I am betting you were given that list the first go around. Why are you coming up with your own list when you know it will
not work?

If your WH will not agree to ALL of Dr Harley's EPs, including moving far away, you need to Plan B. You can keep blogging about your own ideas and it won't make a difference as this is the only plan that will work to help you recover.

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