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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Good! Is this being done without your wife's knowledge, though?

I would move far enough away that it is not easy for her to get to the OM or ever run into him. If you are thinking about moving 30 miles away, that will not do the trick.

I thought about it, but I'm sure she'll see the cameras. So it's not super covert. Once installed she wont be able to bring OM into the house w/o me knowing.

I will reach out to the realtor tomorrow again, going to get the house on the market quickly. WW wants to move, so many triggers for her too. I'm thinking we'll find a place to rent for a few months until we figure out what the next step is. That will depend on job hunting.


Messy #2898852 05/14/17 03:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Messy
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Good! Is this being done without your wife's knowledge, though?

I would move far enough away that it is not easy for her to get to the OM or ever run into him. If you are thinking about moving 30 miles away, that will not do the trick.

I thought about it, but I'm sure she'll see the cameras. So it's not super covert. Once installed she wont be able to bring OM into the house w/o me knowing.

I would get some cameras she can't see. Any spy resource she knows about are useless because even a wetbrain can find a way around that. if she knows where the cameras are, she will know where NOT to take the OM. Find some cameras she can't see and don't let her know.

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I will reach out to the realtor tomorrow again, going to get the house on the market quickly. WW wants to move, so many triggers for her too. I'm thinking we'll find a place to rent for a few months until we figure out what the next step is. That will depend on job hunting.

Perfect! Another thing you might be able to do is rent out your home. The key will be getting far enough away.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Checked 2 things off on the list last night:

1. WW said that she's committed to ending communication with OM. She admitted that it's hard, but she doesn't want to talk to him after all the pain she's in.

2. WW agreed to new cell number and closed down all social media accounts. She's also changing her username on the primary communication app they used and blocking him.

Also, I checked with OMW yesterday, they have taken extreme technical precautions as well and are considering moving, but that depends on if OM can find a job...

Next step is moving, we have all others in place - money is all shared, leisure time we spend together, no more nights apart, and I have full access to all her tech. That will leave just the NC letter. Which WW and I discussed more last night, she doesn't like the idea, but also wants to wait until she actually means it when she says she's picking me. Not sure how to handle that one.

I think for now we are in a bit of holding pattern while WW goes thru withdrawal. I think she's going to try and get on some ADs this week. Going to work on a few small LB deposits. Right now she just said it makes her feel worse when I'm nice to her.

Messy #2898869 05/15/17 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
Checked 2 things off on the list last night:

1. WW said that she's committed to ending communication with OM. She admitted that it's hard, but she doesn't want to talk to him after all the pain she's in.

That is good, but only if its true. You will have to monitor her closely to see if it is true.

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2. WW agreed to new cell number and closed down all social media accounts. She's also changing her username on the primary communication app they used and blocking him.

Ok, you say she "closed down all social media accounts" and then say she is KEEPING the one social media app that she used to communicate with the OM!!

Say what?? faint C'mon, messy!

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Also, I checked with OMW yesterday, they have taken extreme technical precautions as well and are considering moving, but that depends on if OM can find a job...

Hopefully she is watching him closely. Good for you for staying in touch with her.

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Next step is moving, we have all others in place - money is all shared, leisure time we spend together, no more nights apart, and I have full access to all her tech. That will leave just the NC letter. Which WW and I discussed more last night, she doesn't like the idea, but also wants to wait until she actually means it when she says she's picking me. Not sure how to handle that one.

The point of the NC letter is to "actually mean" she is ending contact. That is all that is necessary. Does she mean the affair is over? If so, then she can prove it by writing the letter.

I think you will see a huge step forward if you can your family moved far away! Hang in there! And close that HUGE GAP with the social media app.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Messy #2898870 05/15/17 10:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
That will leave just the NC letter. Which WW and I discussed more last night, she doesn't like the idea, but also wants to wait until she actually means it when she says she's picking me. Not sure how to handle that one.
redflag Her not wanting to write a NC letter is a huge red flag. If she truly is picking you why wouldn't she write the letter? What is her excuse that she's giving you?


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Ok, you say she "closed down all social media accounts" and then say she is KEEPING the one social media app that she used to communicate with the OM!!

Say what?? faint C'mon, messy!

Hopefully she is watching him closely. Good for you for staying in touch with her.

Yes, I agree, it was a start, I'm going to make the request again, there is really no need for it. It hurts that the app in more important than me, I'll bring it up again tonight.

Yes, OMW is watching closely.

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Messy, this isn't your first time around. She needs to be all in, or she's not at all.

- She needs to shut down that app completely, not just change her name and block the guy.
- She needs to write the NC letter today.
- Rent out your home. Move to a rental house FAR AWAY (how far are you planning on moving?). Selling your home and buying a new one elsewhere can be done after you move. We did it.


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

Messy #2898873 05/15/17 11:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
[

Yes, I agree, it was a start, I'm going to make the request again, there is really no need for it. It hurts that the app in more important than me, I'll bring it up again tonight.

Yet you tried to spin us by acting like she was implementing EP's when she is not. You said:

Originally Posted by Messy
2. WW agreed to new cell number and closed down all social media accounts. She's also changing her username on the primary communication app they used and blocking him.

The news should have been "My WW refuses to close down the social media app she used to communicate with the OM."

Why not just admit she is not cooperating? It is ridiculous to say she is closing down social media when she obviously has not.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
redflag Her not wanting to write a NC letter is a huge red flag. If she truly is picking you why wouldn't she write the letter? What is her excuse that she's giving you?

I agree, she's telling she hasn't decided if we are going to work things out. So she doesn't want to send the letter, basically telling me she's not shutting the door with him. Her excuse was that he clearly doesn't want her because he hasn't tried to contact her. MrRollieEyes

My response was, 'its been a week'... At this point I'll take the baby steps as progress I guess.

Right now what has me really depressed and frustrated is coming to grips with the fact that I'm forced to uproot my entire life, and she's not even telling me she wants me yet. I thought it was just about the pain of betrayal, but there's so many layers to this. ugh...

Messy #2898876 05/15/17 11:17 AM
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At this point I'll take the baby steps as progress I guess.
But it isn't progress.


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What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2898877 05/15/17 11:19 AM
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If she doesn't send the NC letter, you cannot consider the affair over.


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Messy #2898878 05/15/17 11:20 AM
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You're right, she keeps throwing my requests as being controlling, which is what she cites for one of the major reasons our marriage was rough. Like I always have, I responded out of fear to negotiate something in her favor at my expense. Thanks for keeping me straight...

Messy #2898879 05/15/17 11:25 AM
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How far are you planning on moving?


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What to do with an Angry Husband

Messy #2898880 05/15/17 11:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
[

I agree, she's telling she hasn't decided if we are going to work things out. So she doesn't want to send the letter, basically telling me she's not shutting the door with him. Her excuse was that he clearly doesn't want her because he hasn't tried to contact her. MrRollieEyes

My response was, 'its been a week'... At this point I'll take the baby steps as progress I guess.

Right now what has me really depressed and frustrated is coming to grips with the fact that I'm forced to uproot my entire life, and she's not even telling me she wants me yet. I thought it was just about the pain of betrayal, but there's so many layers to this. ugh...

Messy, the time for "baby steps" is over. The time for recovery has arrived. You need to get the house sold/rented and move away from there. If she doesn't get on board, you can move away without her and go into Plan B.

Let her know what it will take for you to want to work things out. If she is serious about ending her affair, then she should have no problem writing that letter. Otherwise, you have to conclude she is not serious. If she won't do these things, then this will lead to divorce. <-----you need to tell her this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Messy #2898881 05/15/17 11:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
You're right, she keeps throwing my requests as being controlling, which is what she cites for one of the major reasons our marriage was rough. Like I always have, I responded out of fear to negotiate something in her favor at my expense. Thanks for keeping me straight...

No, she is controlling YOU. She wants to inflict her destructive, marriage wrecking behavior on you and you want it to stop. She needs to stop controlling YOU. It is not "controlling" to ask your spouse to stop hurting you and take steps to protect you and your children from futher harm.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I agree, I need to just tell her that is where we are headed. She tried to tell me that its better for us if she is willing to do these things on her own. Not fill out some list for me...

Again she's still fogged out. I need to hold the line on the EPs, I've told her that I need for them to move forward.

Prisca - I'm looking for work at least 200 miles away.

Messy #2898883 05/15/17 11:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
I agree, I need to just tell her that is where we are headed. She tried to tell me that its better for us if she is willing to do these things on her own. Not fill out some list for me...

It is better if she does those things, PERIOD. It is laughable that your wife is telling you what is "better for us." How would she know??

Because if she doesn't, this will lead to divorce. Tell her that and stick to it. She persistently gaslights you and you need to stop falling for it.

Those EPs are non negotiable.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Asking her to end her affair is not asking all that much of her.


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Messy #2898885 05/15/17 12:03 PM
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Have you read this Please Explain Gaslighting


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Originally Posted by unwritten
Originally Posted by Messy
abrrba - you are spot on I couldnt trust my instincts anymore. My instinct was FEAR, fear of losing her and my family. So I was compromising what I knew was right out to avoid the fear. It's how I ended up in a 2nd d-day.

Are you DONE letting fear run your life here?

You came here months ago, with an opening statement about how your WW's A was over and you had done all the EP's except for moving and everything was great except your WW was...acting like a wayward confused Many people (including me) told you the A had not ended. You really battled about this until months later when you found out it had indeed not ended. And then you came back with a second polyanna report about how it had COMPLETELY ended this time and WW was so remorseful and blah blah blah. Now you just want to be a unified front with her and bring her here and have her help you expose to kids...

Your FEAR of upsetting her or doing what you needed to do to end this months ago, has allowed months more of cheating to go on right in your own home. Your fear has let her 'recover' with you while simultaneously bringing her nasty OM right into your own bed. Your fear has kept you from exposing to your own children.

You seem to just want to put this behind you asap and recover and live happily ever after without making any real changes. Sorry, that is called sweeping it under the rug and it is NOT going to work.

You need to STOP allowing fear to control you Messy. I personally feel a little bit duped by you. Here is why. People come here with their own 'plan' initially, when they don't know MB and haven't been educated and haven't listened to the radio show and haven't read the other billion forum stories just like theirs. But you were here for months. You did all these things, you know the MB program. You said all the right things on your thread and just *omitted* the details that you knew we would object to. To me, that is duping us, it is different than people who argue because they don't understand, to understand and just tell people what they want to hear. Did you not know going out of town for work, when you had just recently discovered your wife was in an affair, was a BAD idea? Honestly, that seems like logic to me. Even if it wasn't common sense, you don't have to be here long to know that it is the wrong thing to do. It has no place in a healthy marriage much less one in recovery from a very recent affair (where your wife is still acting wayward and you are being told she is still wayward!). I suspect you knew what we would say if you told us and therefore you omitted that little detail. You never mentioned that you didn't expose to your kids. Again, I suspect it is because you were afraid to and knew we would tell you that you had to do it. What other corners have you cut and what corners are you cutting NOW in this second round to say all the right things here on this forum and convince us that you are serious???

Hey, its your marriage and your divorce, and that is where it is going to lead if you continue to let fear run the show. It is no skin off our backs if you cut corners and pad the truth and end up in divorce. But it is a waste of all of our time if you are not serious.

Please assure this forum that you are done being afraid, and that you are done just saying the right things and you are going to start taking this seriously. I am not at all convinced.

I said this to you on page 33 and now on page 38 we are still having to weed through some *baloney* to get to the truth.

COME ON MESSY. I don't believe she is gaslighting you. I think YOU are gaslighting you. You want so bad for this to just be over, you yourself are trying to convince yourself that reality is not reality and what you know to be true because you have been here for months is not actually true. You know what needs to be done and you know it is not being done. This is not a case of you not knowing, this is a case of you willfully deciding to continue to try and tell us what we want to hear, and brush this stuff under the rug.

Please answer these questions:
1. Does she still work with OM?
2. Do you still attend church with OM?
3. Since you and OM were best friends, do YOU still have contact with OM?
4. Do you still hang out in social circles with OM?
5. How often did you travel for work over the last several months? You said OM was in your house (having sex in your bed) while ALL of your kids were home and sleeping. Since you have a 12 yo that means it had to be at night. You also said OM was in your home 'consistently' which means you were consistently gone at night?
6. With the current job you have, are you ever going to have to travel again or not?
7. Why did you tell us she had closed all social media, when in fact she has NOT?
8. What are you doing right now to sell your home and move? What is your plan here?
9. You have indicated on page 1 and also very recently that WW knows about MB and you have shared the webpage (even after we advised you to not bring her here) Does WW know about and have access to this thread?

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