Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 20 of 49 1 2 18 19 20 21 22 48 49
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
Originally Posted by apples123
I have family not far from Nairobi. If you are near there and need emergency help, please let me know.

Hi Apples, thank you very much for the offer. We are in the south though.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
We spent the entire morning yesterday at the police station trying to get the car back. My lawyer/friend and I watched on in awe as WH manipulated an entire room of policemen (five of them) into bending to his agenda with just a 5 minute phone call (predictably, he did not turn up to the police station at 8am as he had promised - but somehow he managed to make the police think that it was totally fine he was not there and they came away from the phone call very happy with WH's new worthless commitments to make a time to "sit down and talk" to me about the car). If he wasn't destroying my family with these skills, I would be impressed.

Now that I understand how WH uses words so effectively to manipulate people, I can see that the way to fight against him is with documents and processes and official records. The restraining order is like a magic ticket. He has now got the idea that he is not allowed to come to the house and that an official document proving his history of violence undermines his arguments that I am crazy somewhat. He has not attempted to violate the order in the few days he has been here and I am feeling more secure - especially with our security guards at the house.

He took the kids out for dinner on Thursday and is now at a hotel with all three boys until Sunday. His focus seems to have shifted from trying to steal our furniture to trying to control our move out of the country by asserting that only he can arrange the logistics since his company is paying for it. I don't want him to know the address of our new house so I have contacted his employer, sent them a copy of the restraining order, and told them I feel threatened and do not want WH to know our new address. Hopefully, they will agree to deal with me directly about the move.

Also, since he told the police he will be in the country for two weeks, but I know that he did not inform his office that he was travelling, I sent a further email to his employer in the US informing them how surprised I am to find out that he has taken two weeks of vacation from his new job which began on May 1. I also pointed out that the reason he can come and go as he pleases from this country is that his US Embassy visa is still active, despite the fact that his contract finished a month ago now and despite the US Embassy writing to the Department of Home Affairs informing them that he is not associated with them. Maybe the vacation without taking leave thing is what will make his employer act....





BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
Living Well, I think you posted on someone else's thread (maybe PigletWiglet) that you will never regret a restraining order. I just wanted to add my experience to that! Restraining orders, especially if they restrict access to the family home, are an amazingly effective tool for protection of assets, helping keep calm and security for the kids, combatting the WS's spin on the situation, and providing strong evidence of bad behaviour by the WS in any legal dealings. I know it is just a piece of paper, and that he can disregard it, but the fact that I can whip out my copy in front of anyone WH is trying to manipulate against me has helped me so much especially now that he has taken to telling everyone I am psychologically unstable.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,786
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,786
Likes: 1
hurray


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
How were the kids after seeing him? Did they have a lot of questions?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
How were the kids after seeing him? Did they have a lot of questions?

Hi BrainHurts, they were totally fine! No questions at all. He bought them gifts and that made them excited. They were generally just happy to see him. They don't like the fact that seeing him means spending the entire day in a restaurant since our tiny country has very limited entertainment opportunities for kids, and WH doesn't have a home to take them to, but I can see they really enjoy his company. So I guess that is a good thing. I am also enjoying the time off wink. Three small boys are extremely noisy!


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
How were the kids after seeing him? Did they have a lot of questions?

Hi BrainHurts, they were totally fine! No questions at all. He bought them gifts and that made them excited. They were generally just happy to see him. They don't like the fact that seeing him means spending the entire day in a restaurant since our tiny country has very limited entertainment opportunities for kids, and WH doesn't have a home to take them to, but I can see they really enjoy his company. So I guess that is a good thing. I am also enjoying the time off wink. Three small boys are extremely noisy!
That's good and good to have some time off, but you still have the baby with you, correct? So not completely off, huh? smile


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
How much longer before he leaves?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
How were the kids after seeing him? Did they have a lot of questions?

Hi BrainHurts, they were totally fine! No questions at all. He bought them gifts and that made them excited. They were generally just happy to see him. They don't like the fact that seeing him means spending the entire day in a restaurant since our tiny country has very limited entertainment opportunities for kids, and WH doesn't have a home to take them to, but I can see they really enjoy his company. So I guess that is a good thing. I am also enjoying the time off wink. Three small boys are extremely noisy!
That's good and good to have some time off, but you still have the baby with you, correct? So not completely off, huh? smile

Yep, still have the baby! But she feels like no work compared to the boys laugh


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
How much longer before he leaves?

We are not sure!! I had assumed that it would be a really short trip since he started a new job on May 1 and I thought he couldn't take time off. But he told police yesterday he might be here for 2 weeks.....so I now think he is intending to stay until the access case he filed against me here is heard, and perhaps until the hearing in his girlfriend's criminal case. Although something tells me (intuition) that he is not running around after her now that he is back. It is like his focus has totally shifted to this power struggle against me.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
I have to say, whether you save your marriage or just have personal recovery you, my friend, are a MB success story.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
I have to say, whether you save your marriage or just have personal recovery you, my friend, are a MB success story.

MB has helped me SO much. I never realised before that I could control my own life and actually demonstrate that I will not accept terrible behaviour rather than just saying it. I now realise that while I thought I was being tough with my husband, my actions were not reinforcing my words....so he just ignored me.

Now I know I can set a boundary and enforce it by making sure that my actions and words say the same thing. If I say a certain behaviour is unacceptable, that means I will not stay in the same house as my husband while he continues to engage in that behaviour. It is such a powerful tool. And I know I will never again be in the weak situation I was when I found this forum of feeling like there was nothing I could do to control my husband's behaviour and the pain it was causing me.

I don't yet know whether my husband can change. He is an extremely tough nut to crack. But it doesn't really matter. If he doesn't change, then I haven't lost anything apart from a terrible husband and a lifetime of certain misery. And if he does, then wonderful!

I tell everyone I meet about this website and how eye-opening the advice is. Although I don't think people can really understand unless they have been in this kind of situation themselves.



BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
Quite a dramatic day today - with a positive outcome! I have taken back the car!

On Friday, the police had instructed my husband and I to meet up to discuss the car issue between us - and then report back to them. So we arranged to meet in a restaurant today with the kids (he took them away for the weekend and just returned this morning). The moment my husband walked in, he absent-mindedly put the car keys on the table in front of him......and, after waiting for my chance, I swiped them and hid them in a place he wouldn't easily reach wink

There were some tense exchanges when he snatched my handbag and hid my wallet and passport. He tried to become violent in an effort to get the key back from me, but because we were in a restaurant in a mall there were security guards and witnesses everywhere. We ended up "negotiating" with two policemen and four security guards, but there was no way I was giving up the car keys now that I finally had them. So, in the end, my husband was escorted by police to the car to remove his stuff and then he was forced to leave in my car (significantly lower value, much smaller, not a status symbol in any way) seething with anger. The kids and I drove home in the big Land Rover to the safety of our house with 24 hour security laugh. I can't see the girlfriend being so keen to be seen around town in a battered old toyota corolla rotflmao

I now have control of all of the valuable assets, all of the savings, and the restraining order is keeping WH away from the house. Proud of myself today!!!




Last edited by chalkncheese; 05/28/17 10:32 AM.

BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
clapclapclapclapclap You are an awesome powerhouse!

tl

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 558
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 558
Originally Posted by thndrnltng
clapclapclapclapclap You are an awesome powerhouse!

tl

Ditto! Your strength continues to inspire, especially in light of WH's aggressiveness.


BH (me) 50, WxW 47
Married 1994
D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
Divorced Nov 2017
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
I have a bad feeling about your safety. PLEASE be extra diligent until you are out of that country. The same police that are 'protecting you' required you to meet him to negotiate him returning a car he was hiding from you, while you have a restraining order on him??? That's totally nuts and tells me that whatever front they are putting on, you are not really being protected.

I worked with our city police unit to train them on how to handle domestic violence issues, and if I had a cop suggest such a thing I would have been appalled. Under no circumstances should you be meeting with him.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
Originally Posted by unwritten
I have a bad feeling about your safety. PLEASE be extra diligent until you are out of that country. The same police that are 'protecting you' required you to meet him to negotiate him returning a car he was hiding from you, while you have a restraining order on him??? That's totally nuts and tells me that whatever front they are putting on, you are not really being protected.

I worked with our city police unit to train them on how to handle domestic violence issues, and if I had a cop suggest such a thing I would have been appalled. Under no circumstances should you be meeting with him.

Thanks Unwritten. Yes, the police are terrible - especially since they don't bat an eyelid when WH tells them that I am "forcing him to be violent because I am obstructing him". Both he and they seem to think that is a valid reason for him abusing me.

Now that I have got the car back, and have employed security guards for the house, I will only go out to take the children to school and bring them home, and one weekly trip to the supermarket. The rest of the time I will stay in the house. I hope that WH will get thrown out of the country in the next few days now that I have alerted his employer that he is absent from work without having taken leave.

I want to move as soon as possible but the move is being organised by WH's employer, so we have been stuck in a stalemate for the past few weeks as WH has been trying to control the move via his position as the employed one. However, I have now sent the restraining order to WH's HR department in the US and told them clearly that WH must not know our new address so can't be the one who organises the logistics of the move.

We are going to court on Tuesday for the baseless access case WH filed just after he left the country, in response to the restraining order. It should get thrown out seeing as he has never been refused access and has spent the last four days with the kids pretty much constantly, as well as meeting with the mediator I identified in the neighbouring country last week to define a parenting plan for the future. I also think he fraudulently filed the case when he was not ordinarily resident in this country by getting his friend (the same one who was hiding the car at the army barracks) to pretend to be him at the children's court and paying a clerk to back-date the application to the day before he left. We will try to get proof of that from the official court register in the morning.

However, you are definitely right that this continues to be a really anxious time while he is still in the country since every "win" of mine makes him more angry and less in control of the entire situation. The fact that he is starting to feel the financial pressure and restriction of his plans for the future now that I have control of all savings and assets and am working on taking 75% of his net salary in maintenance is also making him extra crazy. I feel safe at home with the security guards (which I am paying myself) but am definitely vulnerable anywhere I go out. 2.5 weeks more to go.....


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
Originally Posted by unwritten
Under no circumstances should you be meeting with him.

Yep, I won't be meeting with him anymore at all. My lawyer says I do not need to be in court with her and there is no other reason to meet him now that the car issue is resolved. He is still trying to get some stuff from the house, but I am just ignoring those requests (sent via IM). I will send anything he needs in boxes to his new address once we have moved.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
I also fear for your safety. And I am glad that he brought your children back. Be cautious.

Do you really have to depend on his company to help you move or can you make arrangements yourself? The safety of your family is more important than money.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
Originally Posted by goody2shoes
I also fear for your safety. And I am glad that he brought your children back. Be cautious.

Do you really have to depend on his company to help you move or can you make arrangements yourself? The safety of your family is more important than money.

Hi Goody2Shoes, I have been thinking about this issue. I can just call the removal company myself. It is expensive to move across borders, but I really don't want him to know where we are going to be living. I sent a message to his company on Friday asking them if I would be able to liaise directly with them about it. But if I don't hear back from them today, I think I will just go ahead with the move myself. I am signing a contract on a house this afternoon.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
Page 20 of 49 1 2 18 19 20 21 22 48 49

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 156 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Convict20, GTNY, Avianna, BootsJeans, B24gordon
71,735 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,549
Posts2,322,799
Members71,735
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5