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DamagedGuy #2899396 05/31/17 10:36 PM
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She sat down and opened up a bit. I listened, and also talked. She read an article from the counselor that we are seeing that talks about mothers that are stretched thin, which is exactly how she is feeling with all of the stress.

She says that she feels chipped away at because of was a lot worse off in the first couple of months after the accident, when I was in major pain, depressed, and on a lot of painkillers and other medication. Then I pulled the separation thing. I really put her through it. I feel terrible, and it cannot be taken back. She says she doesn't know how she feels anymore.

Her tone does seem a bit better. She seems more positive about the counseling. I hope it isn't destructive. I hope that my DW gets an understanding of what I was going through and can forgive me, and allow us to rebuild our marriage.

She is going to bed. I am going to stay up for a couple of hours and try to hide the VAR. I'm very worried about it being discovered, or picking up something awful, as I feel more optimistic and less pained after our last conversation.

DamagedGuy #2899417 06/01/17 10:21 AM
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I hid the VAR in the car. We just texted a bit and there is no indication of discovery. While I don't know who the OM is yet, I am trying to be in Plan A.

I'm trying to reverse the "I don't know if I feel the same way" situation. I think that she is feeling selfish right now, due t9 what I did and the thought being with someone else would be fresh, ne2lw, and maybe emotionally safe. She is not thinking about our marriage, the love we had or have, or our family. Because of our talks last night and her willingness to see what happens with MC tells me that she isn't completely checked out.

BrainHurts #2899424 06/01/17 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
And I just want to caution you about marriage counselors. Read this and listen to the clips in here. Beware of Bad Counselors
Did you listen to the radio clips in here?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2899429 06/01/17 02:10 PM
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I did listen to some of them. I'm going to be vigilant when we see the counselor. I also hope that I find a chance to review the VAR before we go.

DamagedGuy #2899430 06/01/17 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted by DamagedGuy
I did listen to some of them. I'm going to be vigilant when we see the counselor. I also hope that I find a chance to review the VAR before we go.
Have you figured out a way to get spyware on her phone? Or can you hire a PI? That will be the fastest way to get your Intel.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2899434 06/01/17 06:39 PM
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Without having the phone in my hands, I can't to anything with it. She takes it everywhere.

She is adamant that she isn't forming a relationship. I cannot detect any deceit, though I can't be completely sure. The car VAR did not pick up anything showing guilt.

DamagedGuy #2899440 06/01/17 09:54 PM
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Here is the MC report:

This counselor is very down to earth while being matter of fact. She is pro-marriage. While she said that we both have personal stuff to work out in addition to our issues as a married couple. She looked directly at my wife and asked her not to make any rash decisions for at least 6 months, to determine either way what is best.

She told my wife that my trauma is more than likely why I was acting the way that I was, especially given how I was before the accident, and how I'm fighting for our marriage now.

I mentioned the guy that asked her out and who she is texting. Counselor straight up told her that she is developing and EA and entering the slippery slope to infidelity. She asked her to cease all communication with OM since it will be detrimental, either way, to continue to be in contact.

Counselor seems to want to help us save our marriage. She said that since we have known each other for most of our lives, been married for almost 5, and been together for almost 7, and have a preemie son and a nice family, it would be a shame to throw it all away. This was after my wife said that she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay married to me.

She is trying to put us in Plan A. No talking about counseling, our issues, or the marriage for now. Just be around each other doing things like we would have been like a family, and being friendly with each other.

I think this counselor is psychic. She told my wife that if we divorce, friendship is not likely possibly for at least 2 years after, because of the pain that it will cause.

She said to journal and write down feelings to avoid communicating about the relationship since I am having trouble. When we left, my wife said that she really likes the counselor, and I agreed. It was an hour drive there and back. We ate at a diner on the way, and went shopping at a store before the appointment. We had good conversation like we did when all was well with us.

DamagedGuy #2899443 06/02/17 09:01 AM
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Has she stopped texting the OM?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2899444 06/02/17 09:24 AM
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That I cannot know without access to the phone. I really wish that I could know. Since the VAR didn't pick up anything in her room, I'm keeping it in the car for now.

She keeps saying "I don't know that I want to be in this marriage," instead of saying "I do not want to be in this marriage."

DamagedGuy #2899445 06/02/17 09:40 AM
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I think you should contact Dr Harley.

First, this M falls under the category of "affairage". You start your M while you were both still legally married, she has had past affairs, she is behaving this way now, and apparently she doesn't think it's a problem to date a married man(forget being married herself)...so it is going to be a real challenge to change the way she views marriage and IB overall, even if you end this affair. Dr Harley has said he has a very low success rate of fixing these marriages, so your best bet would be to get advice directly from him.

Second, since you are ignoring us about the counseling advice, it would be best for you to have Dr Harley advise you where to go from here. Every time we see BS's come here and want the counselor to help them "defog" a wayward, it never works out. I personally don't really want to help a couple on the SAA forum that is using a counselor because it usually derails any of our efforts and I see one of our best posters, MelodyLane, has abandoned this thread for that reason.

Please make sure if you write him on the radio show to be forthcoming about the way your M started, your WW's past affairs, and that you are using a counselor currently in order to get the best help from him.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2899446 06/02/17 10:51 AM
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Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



SusieQ #2899448 06/02/17 11:07 AM
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I will do that. She agreed to the MC before I started posting here, and she wasn't open to anything else. I was at a loss as to what to do. The MC accepts our insurance, and I could not afford at this time to set up the phone counseling with Dr. Harley.

I'm also hurt and confused and doing the best that I can possibly do each day. I'm still dealing with my accident issues, plus the fact that I did what I did, hurt my wife, and our marriage is on the line. I know that she moved on from her previous marriage quickly. I was legally separated from a toxic serial cheater who put the lives of me and my son at risk. I divorced when the opportunity arose because of a free uncontested divorce clinic.

DamagedGuy #2899449 06/02/17 12:17 PM
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I sent the email. I'm still trying to follow what suggestions as I can. I'm just hurt and scared..

DamagedGuy #2899454 06/02/17 05:27 PM
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Originally Posted by DamagedGuy
I sent the email. I'm still trying to follow what suggestions as I can. I'm just hurt and scared..
Great, let us know when you hear back from Dr. Harley.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2899456 06/02/17 06:12 PM
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I will be sure to do so.

SusieQ #2899464 06/02/17 10:39 PM
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Damaged,

SusieQ pretty much nailed it - best course for you is to consult with Dr. Harley. I sympathize with your health situation from the accident. However, that should not prevent you from firing your MC and consulting with Harley with full disclosure of your situation, including the fact that your M is based on adultery.

Tom


Tom2010 #2899479 06/03/17 11:07 AM
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I found out that my wife was sexting an OM. They also met and kissed last night, after MC suggested that she cut off contact with OM. I know it doesn't mean much, but she swears that they have seen each other in person twice, that sexting (which she admitted to straight off) occurred, and that they kissed last night and it made her feel things that she hasn't felt in a long time.

I figured that I had enough evidence. OM has a girlfriend. I think OM is a scumbag just trying to add my wife to his plate.

I confronted her after she was asleep, because there was no way I was going to be able to sleep. Strangely, a lot of anxiety went away, but I was angrh, yet controlled.

After I got out of her all that I,was going to at that time, I asked her what she wanted. She said that she didn't know. She began weeping. I have never seen her cry that hard. She said that she truly thought that I didn't want her anymore, that I was never coming back, by the time she and OM began talking via Facebook and text.

She said when I approached her to reconcile, she was hurt, angry, and confused. She said that she reached out to OM because she didn't want to be alone. I told her that I don't blame her for that. I believe that I really damaged her, emotionally, and that people will do things like what she did. I have been reading about voice and rebounds after such breakups and pain. It still hurts, but I do understand.

While I don't blame her, I did say it hurt that she felt the need to try to move on so fast. I told her that I was upset that she agreed to MC but saw OM last night.

I asked her what she wanted. While a part of me wants us to heal, work on ourselves, and our marriage, I also felt like throwing in the towel. She kept saying that she didn't know, and that she was emotionally spent. She said she was leaning towards working on the marriage, especially given that I am truly remorseful for hurting her.

I could sleep for only 4 hours. She also slept for 4 hours. I approached her again. I said that if we agree to commit to saving us, that I could not tolerate any contact with any exes, or the OM. She is going to draft something to let OM know that they cannot be in contact and that she is going to work on our marriage. This is a major step for her, because she just ceased communication with OM from past indiscretion.

She feels angry and annoyed with me, which I know can be typical in these situations. While talking about the possibility of rebuilding our marriage, she asked if I could get past what happened with OM. I that it hurts, but with time and help, that I can. I asked her if she could get past what I did, and she said that she doesn't know.

I know that I crushed her, and that it will take time for her to heal from that. I wish that I coukd take it away. She is reluctantly agreeing to the transparency that I want, and that will include her phone. It is going to be rough start.

While a part of me wants to run, I still love her. I know that a part of her still loves me. I think that she feels very torn, and possibly some guilt because she thought she lost me as her husband.
Since she is willing to work on the possibility of recovering from all of this, I am giving it a chance. However, as much as I want us to succeed, it is hard at this time to imagine it.

I know that everyone is against the MC. Right now, my wife is going to see her for IC (and CC if I agree to continue,) no matter what. I will wait to hear from Dr. Harley, but I don't know what else to do in the meantime.

DamagedGuy #2899480 06/03/17 11:17 AM
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You are wasting your time and ours by following Plan DamagedGuy and coming here and blogging about it. This is not a blogging forum, it is a forum to discuss and implement Marriage Builders concepts. You have done none of that.

You ask "what else" you can do and that would be to stop blogging, stop following your own plan and start following this program. Otherwise you are wasting your time and ours.

Do you have a question about Marriage Builders?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


DamagedGuy #2899481 06/03/17 11:21 AM
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Originally Posted by DamagedGuy
I
I figured that I had enough evidence. OM has a girlfriend. I think OM is a scumbag just trying to add my wife to his plate.


I confronted her after she was asleep, because there was no way I was going to be able to sleep. Strangely, a lot of anxiety went away, but I was angrh, yet controlled.

So you finally got the evidence and you squandered it. This is what I am talking about when I say you are following your own plan. You completely squandered your ONLY opportunity to expose the affair with the benefit of surprise. Now she is free to spin the story to others and warn the OM.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2899483 06/03/17 11:46 AM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by DamagedGuy
I
I figured that I had enough evidence. OM has a girlfriend. I think OM is a scumbag just trying to add my wife to his plate.


I confronted her after she was asleep, because there was no way I was going to be able to sleep. Strangely, a lot of anxiety went away, but I was angrh, yet controlled.

So you finally got the evidence and you squandered it. This is what I am talking about when I say you are following your own plan. You completely squandered your ONLY opportunity to expose the affair with the benefit of surprise. Now she is free to spin the story to others and warn the OM.
I so agree. You've been here long enough to know we told you once you get evidence (which I don't think you tried hard enough to get spyware on her phone like we told you) to expose the affair. We knew she was having an affair and you need to expose it.

So now what are you going to do?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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