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MelodyLane #2899484 06/03/17 11:48 AM
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I should have just exposed last night when I had her phone. I have been panicky about all of this. I'm not making good decisions regarding the situation. I have been plagued with fear for the future.

How can I get this back on track? I honestly could not get her phone until I snatched it in the heat of the moment. I heard the evidence and reacted.


Last edited by DamagedGuy; 06/03/17 11:49 AM.
DamagedGuy #2899485 06/03/17 11:54 AM
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Originally Posted By: DamagedGuy
I should have just exposed last night when I had her phone. I have been panicky about all of this. I'm not making good decisions regarding the situation. I have been plagued with fear for the future.

How can I get this back on track? I honestly could not get her phone until I snatched it in the heat of the moment. I heard the evidence and reacted.


When will you be exposing and who is on your exposure list?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2899486 06/03/17 11:55 AM
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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Read this and listen to the radio clips in here Serial Cheaters

Did you read this and listen to the radio clips?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2899487 06/03/17 11:57 AM
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I don't know why I am having a hard time with this. I think she will leave for good if I do this.

I would expose to OM's girlfriend, mutual friends, maybe his relatives. I feel physically ill.

DamagedGuy #2899489 06/03/17 06:05 PM
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I read the article on serial cheaters, but I did not have a chance to hear the clip.

I'm still debating on trying to save this marriage or not. While trying to avoid talking to her about things, while trying to act like our life is normal, and while I wait for her to draft NC letter to OM, and trying to rid myself of the fear of exposure issues, I just don't know.

Exposing to her family will do nothing. Her immediate friends support her. The OM's mom lives with him and he takes care of her. His gf will probably just leave him. My wife will get more angry than she already is, and will probably not come around at this point.

DamagedGuy #2899490 06/03/17 07:04 PM
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Originally Posted By: DamagedGuy


Exposing to her family will do nothing. Her immediate friends support her. The OM's mom lives with him and he takes care of her. His gf will probably just leave him. My wife will get more angry than she already is, and will probably not come around at this point.


FIRST, you need to expose the affair. Go read the thread in the link in my signature. You need to get off your butt and get this done before she pre-empts you. Put aside your own FAILED ideas about what works and what doesn't. Your best thinking has led your marriage in the ditch.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


DamagedGuy #2899491 06/03/17 07:05 PM
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Get this done NOW-----> Exposure 101

You can't continue to make strategic mistakes by taking your own advice and get away with it. You got the intel on her affair, so USE IT. We didn't tell you to spy on her jsut for the purpose of being a sick voyeurWe told you to get the intel so you would have a chance at saving your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


DamagedGuy #2899492 06/03/17 07:08 PM
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Originally Posted By: DamagedGuy
I
The OM's mom lives with him and he takes care of her. His gf will probably just leave him.


Completely squandered opportunities to save your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


DamagedGuy #2899493 06/03/17 07:09 PM
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Originally Posted By: DamagedGuy

How can I get this back on track?


FOLLOW THE DAMN ADVICE!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


DamagedGuy #2899511 06/04/17 09:45 PM
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DM,
Trying to make a decision on whether you want to save this M is entirely your call. In the meantime - "while trying to act like our life is normal," - this is your problem because your life and your M are Not normal or even close to being loving. You can avoid the advice here and out of fear 'try to wait her out', but it won't work, and it hasn't so far. I have to say this. I think the reason for your fear as well as rejecting the advice here is that you have little respect for yourself. She is playing you and treading all over you! While I agree you hurt her by suggesting that she find someone else at the time you were depressed, it does NOT allow her to break her marital vows. That seemed to signal her that it was okay to continue to troll for men as she probably has been doing for years. And, you're fearful of losing her??

Tom

Tom2010 #2899515 06/05/17 10:46 AM
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I am hurt and confused and am trying to follow the advice. I did screw up and jump the gun since my evidence does not ID the OM, but I know who he is because I snatched her phone, but I couldn't get get the evidence off of it. But now that I know, we both refer to him by name. I haven't heard from Dr. Harley yet.

I told her that there are two choices. Completely cut off OM and work on us, or I divorce. I can't live like this, any more. I have dignity and I am a man, and I will completely remove myself from her life, unless we talk concerning our son. I will no longer lower myself to being around her if an OM is in the picture, that I will work on self improvement and build a new future without her in my life if necessary.

I didn't let up on it while she sat, looking lost and spaced out.
She said I was the best friend she has ever had, and gave her a child when she never thought it was possible. A bit later, she told OM that that she is separated, and he has a girlfriend. He said that they know those won't last and that they have an attraction, but he supports her decision and what is best. She said contact with him is influencing her decisions, and that she needs to make an honest effort to save marriage and family. I viewed the exchange.

She removed offending parties from her facebook and agreed to letting me check her phone and facebook. It is still annoying her when I do. I want to believe, but obviously can't.

Because of everything that has transpired, I'm hiring an attorney to know what my rights and potential outcomes are concerning custody and divorce ramifications, in case I need to file. This, and evidence IDing OM, and the potential that she truly ended things with OM are causing me to pause on exposure. I have to think about a possible future without her, for both me and my children. That means protecting our living situation, or her moving out with our son. My children are the most important.

Last edited by DamagedGuy; 06/05/17 10:47 AM.
DamagedGuy #2899516 06/05/17 11:39 AM
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Since they are the most important, will you expose to your children?

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They are 7 and 2.

DamagedGuy #2899518 06/05/17 12:01 PM
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Could you read this thread and listen to the radio fragments posted here?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2779655

DamagedGuy #2899519 06/05/17 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted By: DamagedGuy


Because of everything that has transpired, I'm hiring an attorney to know what my rights and potential outcomes are concerning custody and divorce ramifications, in case I need to file. This, and evidence IDing OM, and the potential that she truly ended things with OM are causing me to pause on exposure. I have to think about a possible future without her, for both me and my children. That means protecting our living situation, or her moving out with our son. My children are the most important.


These are all EXCUSES not to expose. The affair should be exposed as we told you. It doesn't matter if she "truly ended the affair" because that makes no difference.

ONCE AGAIN, you are following your own advice, the advice of someone who ruined his marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


DamagedGuy #2899520 06/05/17 12:06 PM
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If you refuse to follow the advice, which you have so far, then you are wasting your time and ours on this forum.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2899521 06/05/17 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
"Should it be exposed to others, or kept secret? I almost always recommend exposure. When should it be exposed? I almost always recommend that it be exposed immediately. To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family, friends, children, clergy, and especially, the lover's spouse be informed. If the affair is at the workplace each person's supervisor and/or the personnel department should be told."


here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


DamagedGuy #2899555 06/06/17 03:03 PM
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When will you be exposing and to whom?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



MelodyLane #2899558 06/06/17 04:16 PM
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I have enough as far as I am concerned, and have had enough torment. I am preparing to expose.

My sister knows people involved, I am asking her to help with my exposure list, and I doing it, hopefully by tonight.

DamagedGuy #2899559 06/06/17 04:41 PM
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At age 7, your oldest child can understand an affair and should be told.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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