Hi Unwritten, I think you are absolutely right about this. My WH doesn't (and probably won't ever) get that what he does affects me. He doesn't understand the concept of truth, and seems to think that a plausible-sounding explanation for something is just as good as the truth - it is about him being able to explain away what he has done, not about me needing to know what has actually happened in my life. In his head, my pointing out how hurt/betrayed/angry I am at his behaviour is solely for the purpose of unjustly punishing him (he considers it unjust if he doesn't agree that I have sufficient evidence to "convict" him of whatever I am accusing him of). He is so self-focused he does not consider that I am actually trying to get him to understand how I feel and why I can't accept his behaviour. He thinks my wanting to change his behaviour is all about stopping him living a life he believes all men live - not that I need fidelity and emotional security in order to be happy and fulfilled in life and marriage.

I don't know if my WH is typical of serial cheaters, I suspect he might be on the extreme side, but I think there are only a very strict set of circumstances under which WH would not be having an affair. It is like trying to keep water in a sieve. His normal is to be with multiple women and to have many different lives depending on who he is interacting with. I believe it was his travelling between countries for studying and then for work that enabled him to grow into this type of person. He never had to finish a relationship with anyone because he always knew he would be leaving to move somewhere else, which meant when we started dating I had to contend with a worldwide network of exes who all believed they would still be together with him had he not moved. The extent of this network only became clear to me years later. He liked keeping all these "options" open by sending them explicit messages reminiscing about past encounters every so often and looking them up whenever he was in their part of the world. He stopped doing that so much when I made him give me his facebook password in 2012, but whatsapping replaced facebooking from around 2015 onwards.

You don't need to know more about a wayward than to know that:
~they are selfish
~they are entitled
~they are always the victim
~they don't care about the pain they cause others
~they blame shift

I am friends with folks who are divorced from serial cheaters, one time cheaters and they all seem to consistently have these qualities. My own ex H can sometimes show a glimmer of being kind but for the most part he is what I listed above. The wayward mindset becomes entrenched and permanent for most after a certain period of time.

Don't analyze it or you will drive yourself crazy. You need to focus on yourself now and start moving away from thoughts like this.

I agree with SusieQ, chalkncheese. Please try to work on your thoughts of your WH to be less and less to solely be yourself and your children. How much longer until you leave?

I say this with all kindness, I don't think this is a healthy Plan B approach for you.

Yes, you are going to be holding your WH's feet to the fire in the D process and you are focused on safety and Plan D life for you and your children and how your WH is going to fit into that picture...but for the most part, you need to be moving towards a place of peace and lessening these thoughts about your WH, how to change his behavior, what drives it, etc. That's not what Plan B is about.

I think that is a probably moreso a challenge for any BS who is going through simultaneous Plan B and Plan D but try to redirect your thoughts when they start trending this way. Don't allow yourself to get bogged down in thoughts about your WH, that won't help you get to where you need to be.

Good job. So will he stay out of the country until you leave in 2.5 weeks?

Chalk,

I have read some of your story here, and your courage and resolve in your situation is amazing. It's good that you have much support here in view of the fact that your relatives are far away. You have to be exhausted - caring for your kids, protecting all of you from him, and planning your relocation. Seems like the most important issue now is your move to the neighboring country without your H being able to track. I am assuming that you are both expatriates living in a foreign county - can you make contact with your country's consulate in the nation you are moving to, explain your situation and ask for protection, or at least go on record that your H is a threat to you, and obtain references in that county for legal advice - i.e. maintaining the current or establishing a new RO, your rights to deny your H access to your kids, securing your financial assets, etc.

On the other hand, try to lighten up as much as you can regarding the whereabouts of your H and what he might be scheming. I understand this is traumatic for you, but 'out of sight - out of mind' regarding your H, and if you have reasonable personal and legal protection from him in the country you're moving to - well then, focus more on your new life.

Will say some prayers for you and your family..

Tom

I have all the family savings in my name and he is now trying to get me to give him money to rent a flat in his new location because he says he is broke.

Important to just ignore everything that comes out of a wayward's pie hole.

So sorry to hear of the more damage WH has done to you and your children.

Chalk,

You seem like such a good person, and I'm happy to hear that you have the finances and security for you and your kids under control. Your discovery of your H's Concealing his financial situation is upsetting to you I'm sure. If it really came down to it where you are thru with him, you could notify his company about this deceit. I feel tho that this is information about his character that will bolster your resolve to be very on guard about what he says and his motives. I'm sure this is painful to learn about someone you loved and trusted. Your H seems to be desparately lashing out at you.

In the meantime, before your pending relocation, what are you and your kids able to do for just plain fun and to take your mind off all of this? Do you watch movies, have interesting in-house meals, take short trips for shopping or just walks (since you have home security), do fun educational things with your kids? I assume you're from the U.S from a few of your statements - can you arrange for any of your family members to visit you in your new location, or even visit them here?

You're doing great, and again, my prayers for you for strength and protection.

Tom