Why are you bringing up painful things from the past at all?

If you focus your energy at building a great marriage in the present, past resentment will fade. But if you keep bringing it up as a tit for tat, it will not.

Okay, I get that.

But in the course of using POJA on issues, we share our perspectives and talk things through trying to get a better understanding of each other's views, how do we not bring up the past?

Barigirl, unwritten is completely right, leave the past in the past. Don't bring it up again.

I don't understand why it would be necessary to bring up the past in order to understand each other's perspectives on a contemporary issue.

Could you give us an example of how this becomes necessary?

I guess I wouldn't categorize our issue(s) as contemporary, more as historical.

We are trying to follow Dr. Harley's advice when attempting to POJA- to respect and understand each other's opinions; ask a lot of questions; ask each other why we feel the way we feel; understand each other in more depth; find out why he/she is objecting to something.

So if we are trying to POJA regarding visiting a family member that I don't like, for example, how would I follow Dr. Harley's advice without talking about the past?

Thanks for the example, but I don't really see how it fits in with what you said earlier:

How are these issues connected?

To deal with this issue separately:

Do you end up talking about the past when your husband tries to understand why you don't want to see this person?

If so, I think we might already have discussed with you the difficulties with trying to understand the other person's perspective, when negotiation has been poorly handled in the marriage for a long time.

The enthusiastic spouse uses the question"why?" as a way of pressurising the reluctant spouse into agreeing. There is an implied threat that if the reluctant spouse will not agree, the enthusiastic spouse will create such an unpleasant atmosphere in the marriage that the reluctant spouse will regret not agreeing. Also, the enthusiastic spouse is never satisfied with the answer to the question "why?". The enthusiastic spouse points out that the reasons are illogical, that they are misinformed, that the reasons are childish, or immature, or selfish...indeed, I'm pretty sure that you told us that this happens to you.

This is why we (on this forum) urge couples who struggle with POJA not to focus on the reasons. It is up to the enthusiastic spouse to try and find solutions that would make the reluctant spouse agree, but if the reluctant spouse indicates that there are no conditions under which they would become enthusiastic, the topic should be dropped. "Trying to respect and understand each other's perspectives" should never become a means for one spouse to pressurise, guilt-trip, or bully, the other.

Here is Dr Harley's own example of how conflicts over family should be handled. You can see from what he writes that his only concern is that he should never ask Joyce to do anything that makes her unhappy. He does not place his concern with the family member, but only with her. This is because he would be unhappy if he succeeded in making her do something she disliked. He couldn't live with himself if he did that. That is the desired position for us all to reach with our spouses.

And to deal with this one:

This doesn't sound to me like a POJA issue, but I might be missing the point. if so, please explain.

Instead, this sounds as if you discuss these unpleasant events that have occurred in the past - your "mood swings" and his "drinking and other things" - and this is what we're saying there is no need to discuss.

All you are doing when you discuss past hurts is bringing the past unpleasantness into the present day. You are spoiling the time you spend with each other, and you are bringing the sense of resentment back to boiling point, instead of letting it die away.

If you are saying that, when you discuss issues such as seeing the family member, you explain how your husband hurt you in the past on this issue, and he does the same - well, such rehashing has no role to play in POJA. We go back to our recommendation that you should not go into reasons for your lack of enthusiasm, and he should not press you for these.

You husband can try and suggest conditions that might make you enthusiastic, but if you say that there are no conditions, then the subject should be dropped. Your husband should do as Dr Harley did, and tell you that whether you ever see that relative again is entirely up to you - and the subject should be dropped for good.

Here is a shorter, clearer explanation from Dr Harley of how he put Joyce's feelings as his first, and only, consideration.

It might be that you're not dealing with parents, in your case, but the same principle applies:

Thank you for the explanations, SugarCane.

I am not meaning to discuss past hurts but only explain my perspective which is based on the past. Which, as you and others rightly point out, keeps the resentment boiling up.

I have apologised to H for doing this. Going forward, I will avoid doing this again.

You BOTH need to avoid asking the other for explanations of why they are not enthusiastic about something. You are not skilled enough to manage this yet. This is especially important with subjects like this, where there is a traumatic history and a lot of sore feelings and resentment.

You: I don't want to visit that family member.
Husband: Okay. What are some other things we could do that you would enjoy?
[start brainstorming ideas]

I sent a question in to the radio show and it was addressed on June 19. Dr. Harley talked about understanding each other's opinions, so we were doing that. In some instances, it was helpful to us as we did gain a deeper understanding of one another.

I do get your point, however, that we are not yet skilled enough.

You cannot do that if it is going to cause you to bring up mistakes of the past. Everything you have built up and accomplished for your marriage crumbles the MINUTE the past is brought to the present.

There is a big difference between telling your husband:
"I really don't want to get a red car, because when I was a teen I had a wreck in a red car, and it just makes me feel terrible to see one."

and

"I don't want to get a red car because early in our marriage we had a HUGE fight in a red car. Do you remember that fight? Here's what you said that made me feel terrible ...."

Do you see the difference?

Information about the past can be important when you are negotiating so that you can understand each others reasonings. But, it's kind of a short cut. You can't take that short cut IF you are bringing up past mistakes. Negotiating is NOT AN EXCUSE to discuss how your spouse has hurt you in the past.

I DO see the difference, Prisca. Thank you for that explanation.

Is this it?
Radio Clip of Barigirl's question
Segment 2
Segment 3

That is it, thanks, BrainHurts!