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Your husband needs to commit to:
1. 15 hours of UA each week, out of the house, away from the children and friends
2. No more independent behavior. POJA is the rule.
3. When you are not enthusiastic, he doesn't punish you with his resentment. Instead, he works with you to find something ELSE to do together that you both will enjoy. This thing can be completely unrelated. Example:
1. He wants to go to the movies with his friends.
2. You don't. You want to go to the park together, with the kids.
3. You negotiate, and you get a babysitter and go out to dinner instead.
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How much UA time do you get a week? Can you post your last week's schedule and what you did? I don't keep a schedule anymore. But, we have a date day and a family day every week. We also talk almost every evening for at least a half hour. I'd estimate we have 12 to 17 hours of UA a week. I do include family time because that is one of my highest emotional needs. So exclude family time and exclude time spent at home, because that is not what is meant by UA time. It is 4-4 hour dates. Family time is NOT undivided attention time. UA time should be spent when you are alone, meeting the intimate emotional needs. If you don't count family time then it's date day (4-6 hours), sexual fulfillment (1 hour), intimate conversation (3-4 hours). Total 8 to 11 hours a week. What counts are 4 - 4 hour dates out of the house simultaneously meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation and rec companionship. 4 dates ending with SF.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't keep a schedule anymore. But, we have a date day and a family day every week. We also talk almost every evening for at least a half hour. I'd estimate we have 12 to 17 hours of UA a week. I do include family time because that is one of my highest emotional needs. This is one of your biggest problems. If you are not keeping a schedule anymore, you are very likely falling below the minimum 15 hours a week. If you are including family time, then you are most definitely falling below the 15 hours a week. Family Commitment is one of my top 5 emotional needs, too. But it doesn't get included into UA. UA is for intimate conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. But, you see, Family Commitment is special -- it gets its own 15 hours a week, apart from UA. You still get it, but you can't include it in your UA. Well, there is no way I am going to be able to get him to spend more UA time with me. As you said, he doesn't care. Even if we could miraculously fit it into our already tight schedule, he doesn't care. How am I supposed to get more UA time from a husband that doesn't care?
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[
Well, there is no way I am going to be able to get him to spend more UA time with me. As you said, he doesn't care. Even if we could miraculously fit it into our already tight schedule, he doesn't care. How am I supposed to get more UA time from a husband that doesn't care? Do you view this as a problem? It doesn't seem you do because it has been this way for years and you haven't done anything to change it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Feb 2011
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Your husband needs to commit to:
1. 15 hours of UA each week, out of the house, away from the children and friends
2. No more independent behavior. POJA is the rule.
3. When you are not enthusiastic, he doesn't punish you with his resentment. Instead, he works with you to find something ELSE to do together that you both will enjoy. This thing can be completely unrelated. Example:
1. He wants to go to the movies with his friends.
2. You don't. You want to go to the park together, with the kids.
3. You negotiate, and you get a babysitter and go out to dinner instead. He won't. It's hopeless. Thanks for the advice, but I think he is a lost cause.
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[
Well, there is no way I am going to be able to get him to spend more UA time with me. As you said, he doesn't care. Even if we could miraculously fit it into our already tight schedule, he doesn't care. How am I supposed to get more UA time from a husband that doesn't care? Do you view this as a problem? It doesn't seem you do because it has been this way for years and you haven't done anything to change it. Of course I view it as a problem. Why do you think I'm here? What am I supposed to do to change it? I can't control him. I can't MAKE him care or spend more UA time with me.
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Of course I view it as a problem. Why do you think I'm here? What am I supposed to do to change it? I can't control him. I can't MAKE him care or spend more UA time with me. I think you are here for the reasons stated in your initial post, which is to ask for help about a specific fight you are having. My suggestion would be to write Dr Harley at the radio show and enlist his help in persuading your H to work on his marriage. If that does not work, I would plan to separate using the tactics here: When to Call It Quits (Part 1)
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Does your H still view porn? Men who watch porn don't tend to care much about their marriages and tend to treat their wives as a means of sexual release versus romantic interest.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Does your H still view porn? Men who watch porn don't tend to care much about their marriages and tend to treat their wives as a means of sexual release versus romantic interest. Not really. He did slip up a couple months ago. He watched something when I was on my period. He told me. I don't know of any other times. He doesn't really have time anymore anyway. He works 60+ hours a week and, until recently, spends all his extra time with me or the kids.
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The weird thing is that everything was going great until a couple months ago. We used POJA all the time without issue. His attitude shifted when he made that new friend.
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Do you have spyware on his devices? If you don't, then how do you know if he is viewing porn? From his word?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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[
Of course I view it as a problem. Why do you think I'm here? What am I supposed to do to change it? I can't control him. I can't MAKE him care or spend more UA time with me. I think you are here for the reasons stated in your initial post, which is to ask for help about a specific fight you are having. My suggestion would be to write Dr Harley at the radio show and enlist his help in persuading your H to work on his marriage. If that does not work, I would plan to separate using the tactics here: When to Call It Quits (Part 1)How do I write Dr. Harley?
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Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Feb 2011
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Do you have spyware on his devices? If you don't, then how do you know if he is viewing porn? From his word? Well, we used to watch porn together and he knows that I won't judge him if he falls off the wagon. So he just tells me if he does. I used to watch it by myself too. When he told me the last time he was more upset about it than me. So, yeah, I believe him.
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Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question. Thank you! Are all questions answered?
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The weird thing is that everything was going great until a couple months ago. We used POJA all the time without issue. His attitude shifted when he made that new friend. But you aren't using POJA at all. POJA is an approach, not something you just use every once in a while. The POJA requires that you both accept and agree you should never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of the other. IT requires a spirit of good will where you want the other one to WIN. The outcome of the POJA is win/win but that is not how it is being used here. Your H doesn't feel that way and doesn't care when you are upset. Otherwise you would't be on here asking us "am I right to be upset?" That misses the point entirely because the basis of the POJA is a concern that your spouse never be upset, not whether they have a "right" to be upset. When a couple uses POJA, it becomes 2nd nature with the goal of always finding mutually satisfying decisions.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you have spyware on his devices? If you don't, then how do you know if he is viewing porn? From his word? Well, we used to watch porn together and he knows that I won't judge him if he falls off the wagon. So he just tells me if he does. I used to watch it by myself too. When he told me the last time he was more upset about it than me. So, yeah, I believe him. But you know porn is bad for your marriage so why does he continue? How does telling you resolve the issue?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you have spyware on his devices? If you don't, then how do you know if he is viewing porn? From his word? Well, we used to watch porn together and he knows that I won't judge him if he falls off the wagon. So he just tells me if he does. I used to watch it by myself too. When he told me the last time he was more upset about it than me. So, yeah, I believe him. I remember this was explained to you years ago and Joyce even told you on the radio show it was bad for marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you have spyware on his devices? If you don't, then how do you know if he is viewing porn? From his word? Well, we used to watch porn together and he knows that I won't judge him if he falls off the wagon. So he just tells me if he does. I used to watch it by myself too. When he told me the last time he was more upset about it than me. So, yeah, I believe him. I remember this was explained to you years ago and Joyce even told you on the radio show it was bad for marriage. Which is why we stopped.
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[
I remember this was explained to you years ago and Joyce even told you on the radio show it was bad for marriage. Which is why we stopped. [/quote] He did not stop.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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