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Have you read this and listened to the radio clips? BSs Plan C is not a Plan


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
The moment the sheriff serves WH with divorce papers, I will switch to a new phone number and close the only email he can get through to me on. Then it is really proper plan B.
You continue to not be in Plan B, but Plan C (which is not a plan). When will you truly get into Plan b? You keep coming back and spiralling from what your WH does and doesn't do.

When are you going to get into a true Plan B?

Hi Brain Hurts, I know. I think realistically, I will be in proper plan B once the divorce papers have been served - because then I will be able to close all plan B holes with no problem. There is the complicated process of trying to work out when WH will arrive in the country so that I can arrange for the service, and the uncertainty about whether or not he will bring OC. The flight is still currently booked for Sunday. So hopefully that is the day.

I have just been screamed at for 30 mins by MIL, who seems to have just spoken to WH and has done a 180 on me after his manipulation. Apparently I have ruined his life. Who knew?! She is screaming at me because he is apparently upset and nervous. Amazing how no one stops to think what I have been feeling like for the past 10 years. But the moment WH is "nervous" then we must all run around like headless chickens trying to salve his poor delicate soul.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you read this and listened to the radio clips? BSs Plan C is not a Plan

I will now!


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I have just been screamed at for 30 mins by MIL,
Maybe next time... you politely tell you need to go to the bathroom/dinner is burning/smell gas/battery is empty/phone service is bad/you have an appointment with the dentist and cannot stay on the phone. Or just hang up. You are way too smart to volunteer for abuse.

Or better, don't answer the phone, unless you like 30 mins of screaming. Do you?

There are no holes in your Plan B, your Plan B is a big giant hole.

WHY??? *boinks head against wall*

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If I were in Chalk's place, and if I were determined to get my child back, I would be farless concerned about an air-tight Plan B and FULLY focused on having him returned, when the potential date if his return is less than a week away. (Not that I'd count on the reliability of his sperm donor to keep his word...) Even if her husband shows up with the child this weekend, I don't see any way for Chalk to get him without getting him in person. This is not a man she can expect to fork over his last bargaining chip to someone claiming to represent Chalk, who has been sent to get him in her place. So there IS no air-tight Plan B while this weekend and the possible transfer is hanging over her head.

Let me recommend that you ask Dr. Harley for advice about this directly. He made the plan. Surely he has the most complete understanding of how it should be implemented. Hoping that all goes well for you this weekend...

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She already wrote Dr. Harley.

Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I recieved a reply from Dr Harley. Here is what he says:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
Hi Chalkncheese,

I've had so much experience with situations like yours, and their ultimate outcome, that I have generally advised wives in your situation to avoid bringing the child of their husband's affair into the marriage (see my article, "What to do with a child of an affair"). The main reason is that very few women can put up with the mother of that child, her husband's lover, being a part of the family. As you put it, your mental health is at stake.

There is, however, one possible way that you can keep the child and your sanity all at the same time: Divorce your husband. While that may seem like a peculiar idea at first, I think that you'll find that once you have your husband completely out of your life with no hope of reconciliation, your relationship with the child's mother could actually be much improved, and the two of you could work together on deciding what would be the best for that child.

The other alternative is to send the child back to his mother, encouraging him to accept her as his own. If you ever would reconcile with your husband, I doubt very seriously that you could continue to raise that child with the other woman's constant interference. And I can't imagine that the other woman would ever want to abandon her own child.

If you have not already done so, you should also read my article, "What to do with a serial cheater." The chances that your husband will never have another affair is very remote, even if he were to come back to you, hat in hand, expressing great remorse. While I have examples of those who have been successful, they represent just a handful of the hundreds of cases I've witnessed where the cheating husband cheats throughout his life, leaving behind many women whose lives have been greatly damaged.

Dr. Harley


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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The focus of that question is not the same as mine,, which would be specifically targeted towards the next few days.

tl

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
She already wrote Dr. Harley.

Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I recieved a reply from Dr Harley. Here is what he says:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
Hi Chalkncheese,

I've had so much experience with situations like yours, and their ultimate outcome, that I have generally advised wives in your situation to avoid bringing the child of their husband's affair into the marriage (see my article, "What to do with a child of an affair"). The main reason is that very few women can put up with the mother of that child, her husband's lover, being a part of the family. As you put it, your mental health is at stake.

There is, however, one possible way that you can keep the child and your sanity all at the same time: Divorce your husband. While that may seem like a peculiar idea at first, I think that you'll find that once you have your husband completely out of your life with no hope of reconciliation, your relationship with the child's mother could actually be much improved, and the two of you could work together on deciding what would be the best for that child.

The other alternative is to send the child back to his mother, encouraging him to accept her as his own. If you ever would reconcile with your husband, I doubt very seriously that you could continue to raise that child with the other woman's constant interference. And I can't imagine that the other woman would ever want to abandon her own child.

If you have not already done so, you should also read my article, "What to do with a serial cheater." The chances that your husband will never have another affair is very remote, even if he were to come back to you, hat in hand, expressing great remorse. While I have examples of those who have been successful, they represent just a handful of the hundreds of cases I've witnessed where the cheating husband cheats throughout his life, leaving behind many women whose lives have been greatly damaged.

Dr. Harley

This is why I love Dr. Harley ... he has so much experience in helping women recover themselves. A healthy mama is always the best choice ... children need healthy mamas.

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I know a case where a woman faked reconciliation to avoid the so-called father of the children sabotaging her getting custody in court. Right after the hearing and verdict she told him to get lost.

You know you will do better in Plan B mentally, but you are understandably worried about OC. I agree with thrtysomething, that there will probably be breaches in your Plan B during his visit because of the situation with him being served. I even think you should talk with the children about how to behave should he try to hop on a plane with them.

He is fully aware that your heart is where the children are. And what would be better leverage than 1 child? 4 children.
If you can arrange Bodyguards, so can he. You mal want to have him followed additionally to the (corrupt?) Sheriff when he is with the children.

I hope you can preserve some sanity. The only thing to say to his mother is, that you are sorry that his affairs are causing everyone including himself so much pain and that you will talk later after both of you have calmed down. Blood is thicker than water so don't count on her too much.

Be brave, you have to take care of yourself and the children. Try to avoid this Kind of poisonous contact, even if you don't succeed in going full plan B at the moment.


Last edited by happyheart; 08/17/17 01:24 AM.

me, DH
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Thinking about you and hoping things go well for your and your children.

tl

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Originally Posted by thndrnltng
Thinking about you and hoping things go well for your and your children.

tl

Thanks TL. Sorry I have been a bit quiet for a couple of days. I have been working on a plan.....

I now have an intervention team! Two lawyers, one social worker, and the sheriff all working with me on the goal of getting OC back with me. And we will involve the police, airline, and immigration officials as and when necessary. We have a multistage plan with back-up options. The goal is to get WH (and OC) to this country by any means possible (plan already implemented and seems to be working) and, once he is here with OC, the rest of the plan will be put into action. I don't want to say too much about anything right now, but will provide a full update of everything that has happened on Monday next week (when it should be over if everything works out....).

The sad thing is WH thinks he is leveraging OC to get what he wants out of the situation. But he is going to end up with absolutely nothing and no unsupervised access to the children because of his behaviour.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by happyheart
I know a case where a woman faked reconciliation to avoid the so-called father of the children sabotaging her getting custody in court. Right after the hearing and verdict she told him to get lost.

You know you will do better in Plan B mentally, but you are understandably worried about OC. I agree with thrtysomething, that there will probably be breaches in your Plan B during his visit because of the situation with him being served. I even think you should talk with the children about how to behave should he try to hop on a plane with them.

He is fully aware that your heart is where the children are. And what would be better leverage than 1 child? 4 children.
If you can arrange Bodyguards, so can he. You mal want to have him followed additionally to the (corrupt?) Sheriff when he is with the children.

I hope you can preserve some sanity. The only thing to say to his mother is, that you are sorry that his affairs are causing everyone including himself so much pain and that you will talk later after both of you have calmed down. Blood is thicker than water so don't count on her too much.

Be brave, you have to take care of yourself and the children. Try to avoid this Kind of poisonous contact, even if you don't succeed in going full plan B at the moment.

Thanks HappyHeart. Yes, we have had to become sneaky and strategic in order to make things happen. What works hugely in my favour is being resident in a country with one of the most progressive constitutions in the world that places huge importance on children's rights. I will update more next Monday.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
My mum is coming to visit for two weeks tomorrow. I think WH still cares about his image to my family so her visit might incentivise him to pretend he is not holding OC hostage in another country.....but he is crazy at the moment, so it's pretty difficult to predict anything about his thought processes or behaviour.


Fabulous, God bless Mums eh?

Usually there is logic behind apparent craziness. I'm worried that WH is mucking the OC dates around because he suspects you might hit him with a divorce action. It was a big mistake to tip your hand there. Can you afford to have a process server be on call for the whole day when he arrives?

Hi Living Well, I've been thinking about whether WH is avoiding divorce service. And I really don't think that is true. I think he is focusing on withholding OC from me because 1) he thinks that will give him leverage to force me not to divorce him and 2) he thinks that if he keeps one child then even if I manage to maintain the other two in the American International School, he can at least save money on OC's school fees.

What he doesn't seem to have understood is that his actions of retaining OC away from his family has actually given me far more power than I had initially to get full custody of all of them, argue for no unsupervised access, and extend the restraining order to the kids (both at home and at school) as well as me. I am getting all the legal documents in order this week, so by the time he arrives next Sunday (and we have concocted a plan to make SURE he arrives this time), it will all be in place.

I think the service (of the big pile of court documents) might need to be done by the police rather than the sheriff because I am really worried about WH's reaction.



BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
What he doesn't seem to have understood is that his actions of retaining OC away from his family has actually given me far more power than I had initially to get full custody of all of them, argue for no unsupervised access, and extend the restraining order to the kids (both at home and at school) as well as me. I am getting all the legal documents in order this week, so by the time he arrives next Sunday (and we have concocted a plan to make SURE he arrives this time), it will all be in place.

I think the service (of the big pile of court documents) might need to be done by the police rather than the sheriff because I am really worried about WH's reaction.


You are one awesome individual. This may be tough but it is going to work out really well in the end.


3 adult children
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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
What he doesn't seem to have understood is that his actions of retaining OC away from his family has actually given me far more power than I had initially to get full custody of all of them, argue for no unsupervised access, and extend the restraining order to the kids (both at home and at school) as well as me. I am getting all the legal documents in order this week, so by the time he arrives next Sunday (and we have concocted a plan to make SURE he arrives this time), it will all be in place.

I think the service (of the big pile of court documents) might need to be done by the police rather than the sheriff because I am really worried about WH's reaction.


You are one awesome individual. This may be tough but it is going to work out really well in the end.

Thanks Living Well. Yes, I have a feeling it is going to work out really well somehow.

Just got an email from WH asking for me to write a letter sponsoring his spouse visa renewal. Immediately after two other emails telling me everything is my fault, that I am stopping the children growing up together, and he doesn't trust me to see OC so he won't bring him to my house. Oh the irony! rotflmao

Last edited by chalkncheese; 08/22/17 01:01 AM.

BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
Just got an email from WH asking for me to write a letter sponsoring his spouse visa renewal. Immediately after two other emails telling me everything is my fault, that I am stopping the children growing up together, and he doesn't trust me to see OC so he won't bring him to my house. Oh the irony! rotflmao


The only response is no response.


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I've got OC back! laugh Going to court tomorrow....


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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hurray hurray

tl

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That's wonderful news! I'm SO happy for you!!! hurray


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D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
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Wonderful news. I've been waiting to hear this. Hopefully the court will do what is in the best interest of your dear son.

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