Hi there everyone, I just stumbled on this forum the other day so I haven't had too much time to read through the articles or books. The past 4 months though I have been searching for a proper approach on the web. I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My wife and I are early 30's been together for 16 years total married 9. My wife told me back in April she was unhappy and wanted to seperate when our condo lease was up 2 months later. I tried to talk and reason with her(mistakes I know) and apologized in detail but she insisted. I know our relationship went south and there was little sex, intimacy, or communication. Now I see she was checked out and I realize mistakes I was making(not spending enough quality time, being selfish, not affectionate enough, basically complacent).
After the first conversation she starts spending a lot of time out and away. I tried reasoning for us to work on it and didn't really give up the pleading for 2 months. I was in denial about anyone else being involved and thought no way but I found evidence of sexting soon after with someone cross country. I moved out early. She texts me soon after late night and says she loves me but she is checked out. We agree to talk in person again and I show up with the beginning of the divorce paperwork since I knew what I was expecting to hear. She was very upset, we talked for a few, and I told her I didn't want a D but she was making it clear she did. I asked if there was anyone else and she denied it, I didn't bring it up because I thought the best thing would be for her to tell me. And it looked like it shocked her into maybe wanting to work it out. We made plans to start counseling
Fast forward a few weeks, we both do a few sessions individually then she decides she is done and wants the D. I was done pleading and told her if that's what she wants I'm man enough to except it. I told her I found out about the sexting then and that's why I didn't give her space. She said she needed attention she felt she wasn't getting from me and said she was sorry. So from this point it's been LC from me and she is starting the filing process soon. We have been somewhat respectful and cordial but LC. I just wanted to avoid any more mistakes with no proper guidance so I've taken no action lately. I made it clear I dont want the D still but I told her to do it and haven't tried to persuade her. After reading through exposing the affair the other night I went back on the pc and found much more solid sexting. It looks like all of the started about a month and a half before DDay. So my question is should I bring this to light, is plan A still possible, or should I just turn around since I completely messed this up? Anyways I hope this is enough for you to understand my sitch. Thanks in advance

Hi Spiraling, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. I would most definitely recommend Plan A which is basically a) winning her over and b) causing holy hell in her affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so I would suggest you not only expose it, but confront the OM. Most OM are rats [who else would date a married woman?] and are not that hard to scare off.

You may be able to win her back if you promise to do what it takes to create a happy, romantic marriage, ie: meeting her needs and eliminating lovebusters. However, that has to be done in conjunction with a full on assault on her affair. The reason is because as long as she is in an affair, her lovebank is closed to you. If you will expose the affair it will start to crumble and fall apart. As it falls apart, she will draw TO YOU as long as you are a safe, attractive place to land. We can help you with that.

Do you have kids?

Please go download Surviving an Affair on kindle and read it so you will understand the logic behind our advice. When you are done with that, check out the Exposure thread in my signature.

Who is the OM? Is he married?

I'll try to provide more info soon. I believe it started with the one cross country with Facebook messaging then sexting and swapping sex pics. He is single. I have all of her phone texts and photos from an iPhone backup on our pc(found extracting software) and her whole fun for two months of data is viewable on the computer. I believe she is possibly involved with a man who hangs in her group of friends locally too. No proof though.

That's part of my issue is the evidence is from 4 months ago and don't know if she's still involved or where she's at now. I did find his phone number. What are the best ways to win her over when she is distant and separate? She text her friend saying we wouldn't have that spark again. I know I have much more to study. But it really feels hopeless now, we're both amicable when we communicate(mostly texts) and I told her I'd accept the divorce. I'm sure she will meet up with me if I want.

Are you still living with her? Do you have spyware on her devices? Why do you think she's involved with a man from her circle of friends? Did you get the book Surviving an Affair?

Have you read this? How to Survive an Affair

We are living seperate. She is ready to file but she Has a friend helping with paperwork no attorneys. She's ready to split the rest of our assets too. I think she's involved with this guy because after DDay i noticed she had been texting with him here and there before I left. Which they were never that close before. Other Facebook friends showed me pics of them going out places on their own too. So really I have no idea who or how many she's involved with at the moment. I'd have to think she has both going on. And is it wrong if she wants out to not let her just go? Because we didn't have the best relationship at the end. Or do I fight for my belief that we can grow from this?

Haven't read the whole thing. Will when I get a shot. I'm ready to take action though if I know exactly what to do and don't slip up anymore. I've got nothing to lose I guess. Just need to figure a game plan

Has she ever had an affair before? Have you?

I am confused. Do you have evidence or no? You say you have texts and photos but end with "no proof though." How is it you don't know who it is?

Did you get his name? Is this the same guy in the photos and the texts?

Not that I'm aware. No kids by the way. She cheated when we were 2-3 years in and we got through it. May have cheated another again. I really don't know but I doubt it. No cheating on my side

Yes I've got his name, number, Facebook profile. I just don't know for sure where they are at if she has someone local now. Does it matter?

I have solid proof with cross country guy. Texts, naked pics, talking about meeting up. No proof on local person. Could be friends but not likely

It doesn't really matter. What matters is that you have evidence.

I hate to say it, but you are better off cutting your losses than trying to save a marriage with a serial cheater. The only way this could ever work is if she agreed to make radical changes in her lifestyle that would make it impossible for her to cheat again. That would mean being with her 24/7 so she is never out of your sight.

Do you envision her ever being willing to make such radical changes? Otherwise this will be your future.

The other path you could take is to find someone who is suitable marriage material and create a great relationship with her. I can't see that you would ever have that with your W.

gotcha, thanks!

Is the local guy married?

I agree. We were 20? When it happened then and honestly I think that was the only other time. What I've gathered here is she was growing tired and felt hopeless. Then when she finally made her decision for a D, months before telling me, she started the exit affair then the separation a month after. Those are tough questions when a long term relationship comes to an end. With a serious effort on both of our parts it is possible. I do think she is a good person inside but I haven't seen that side for awhile. I think she did more to maintain our relationship than myself which is why it's hard to not wonder if all those needs were being met for both of us, what would our relationship look like now instead?

Local guy is single