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Awesome!


3 adult children
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So here is how it happened:

When WH changed the flight for the third time, I contacted our social worker/mediator who had been helping us with our parenting plan to ask her to put me in touch with a child lawyer friend of hers she had mentioned in her previous session.

I met up with this child lawyer and we put together a plan to get OC back and simultaneously get the legal protection to ensure that WH will not take any of them again.

The plan was to entice WH to come to this country by me offering to renegotiate my position on the choice of the kids� school (he really doesn�t want the kids to go to the American International School because it is EXTREMELY expensive), involving the social worker in the plan so that he would be convinced it was a legitimate offer and, by getting him to directly contact the social worker to set up a specific appointment to put this agreement in writing, we would have a specific time and place, chosen by him, to serve papers on him.

We had a back-up plan to get OC back through Interpol and my husband�s employer (which fortunately has an office in this country), but in the end we didn�t need it.

Initially, as before, WH refused to reveal the specific time and date of the flight but because I had managed to use the flight reservation number on the original ticket to add my contact details to the airline�s ticketing database, I got the notification when he paid for the ticket to be reissued with the final changes. He noticed that I was cc�d on the reissue of the ticket, but was not able to make any further changes to the flight because he�d already paid.

WH seemed to be suspicious that I was going to have another restraining order (the previous one was valid in another jurisdiction) served on him at the airport when he landed, and in advance of him flying on Sunday he asked for my promise that I would not have police waiting for him at the airport � which of course I was able to give.

On Saturday, the day before WH was due to fly, I asked that OC come and spend two nights at home with me and the other kids so that he could see my mum before she was due to fly home to the UK, suggesting that I bring all the kids to the social worker appointment on Tuesday and hand them over to WH so he could spend a few days with them. WH agreed to the plan but said he wanted my word that I would give OC back again. I said yes�..that was my only direct lie.

So we made an arrangement that I would come with all the kids and my mum to the airport to meet WH and OC off the plane, and then I would take OC home from there. In the end, the handover was extremely calm. WH and OC arrived, OC was ecstatic to see us all, WH spent 10 mins or so giving the other kids gifts, showering affection on them, and telling them what fun stuff they were going to be doing on Tuesday. Then I just said: we�re leaving now. The kids said their goodbyes to WH, and we left. And just like that I had OC back.

Last edited by chalkncheese; 08/29/17 01:53 AM.

BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Simultaneously with the plan to get physical custody of OC, I was also working on the legal preparations to make sure that 1) I had the right to keep him, 2) to get WH to pay for the school fees he has been refusing to pay; 3) to protect the children so that WH cannot take any of them again; and 4) to serve the divorce papers.

There were jurisdictional issues while WH and OC were out of the country, but the moment they stepped into the arrivals at the airport, the courts here had jurisdiction. We arranged for an urgent application for parental rights to be written over the weekend, and filed with the court first thing on Monday morning. The application included everything to do with the money (bypassing the very slow and inefficient maintenance application process), how unreliable WH has been with maintenance and medical insurance, the history of violence, and all the evidence about how bonded OC is to me and his siblings, and made a request that WH hands over OC�s passport and is only allowed to see the kids in this country and that he cannot take them out of the borders of the province we live in.

We were able to justify an urgent application on the grounds that WH has lied so much about his travel arrangements and changed the tickets, and that we don�t know how long he will stay in the country.

I signed the papers at 11:30am and they were ready for service by 2pm. We initially tried to serve WH in person, but it turns out he had lied about where he would be staying (surprise surprise) and the guest house he said he was staying at had never heard of him. That turned out to be another stroke of luck though because it enabled my lawyer to get permission for service by email � and she was able to also serve the divorce summons by email at the same time (despite the fact my other lawyer had not been able to do that).

The papers were sent to him at 2:34pm. I got one angry sms from him at 4pm saying �So this was your plan all along? To steal OC? You will not mess up his life� and four missed calls from MIL which I ignored.

I got a notification at around 6pm that WH had made an appointment in his email calendar (he seems to have forgotten that I have access to that) for a meeting with a lawyer at 10:30am today. [The lawyer he has chosen is the first result on google if you search for "lawyer" and "place we live" - apparently they are "specialists" in commercial law, family law, property law, and everything else under the sun rotflmao] He has a deadline to respond to the papers by Thursday this week and we will then be in court on Tuesday next week, which is the day WH is supposed to fly out.

Last edited by chalkncheese; 08/29/17 01:59 AM.

BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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So now I have all the kids at home and have been advised not to let them out of our secure estate while WH is still here. He knows the address of their school, so I am anxious about him turning up there, so I've kept the kids at home yesterday and today.

When I have got the protection order, I will send them all back to school and give the school all the documentation so they can alert their security guards to keep WH away.

The situation now is cautiously optimistic. It seems like all the key battles are done, but we can only really relax once next Tuesday's court date is done and WH has left the country. Until then, I am looking over my shoulder all the time.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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And now i can really do plan B!! I am going to the phone shop to change my number at lunchtime and I will now delete my email account that WH has been able to get through on. I have set up a new Skype account for the kids so that WH can still speak to them (at least from next week - I'm worried about what he will say to them in anger this week), but i won't be involved at all.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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What you have done is just amazing. I'm so glad that you were able to turn his behaviour to your advantage. He will never allow himself to see that but it does not matter in the least. Presume you will not be sponsoring his spousal visa?


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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WAY TO GO!!!! You are incredible!! Praying for you, your dear children (including OC) and the quick resolution of this matter!


BW-27
FWH-31
DS-6
Married several years
D-Day- 11/22/13
Plan A+Exposure
NC+Beginning of Recovery-04/2014

In Recovery and happier and more in love than ever
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Originally Posted by living_well
What you have done is just amazing. I'm so glad that you were able to turn his behaviour to your advantage. He will never allow himself to see that but it does not matter in the least. Presume you will not be sponsoring his spousal visa?

Thanks Living Well! I have not responded to the visa sponsor request - and think I will leave it at that for now. I don't want to say no outright and then have that as evidence of my "personal vendetta" against WH, which is the story he tells everyone.

After he spoke to his lawyer (who seems to be a con artist that saw WH coming a mile off) yesterday morning, and heard that it will cost him USD6000 (how?!?!) just to respond to the urgent application I filed on Monday, he wants to mediate. So we have an appointment with our social worker this afternoon for 3 hours.

I don't want mediation because I have all the cards in my hand, but I don't mind because I know it will just provide an opportunity for WH to dig himself into a bigger hole. We had a quick meeting with her yesterday lunchtime and WH already set the tone for the discussion by his answer to her first question:

Social worker - "What do you really think is in the best interests of OC?"
WH - "To live with his brothers....."
Social worker - "Riiiiight. So you think the same thing as Chalk then?"
WH - "Yes, but she will not keep him because both me and his biological mother are alive. And we are congolese, and he is congolese, and Chalk is not. No court will give custody to her".
Social worker - "Riiiiighhht. Well, the law is not always how we think it is. How about we discuss this tomorrow?"



BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by Woundednotbroken
WAY TO GO!!!! You are incredible!! Praying for you, your dear children (including OC) and the quick resolution of this matter!

Thank you WNB! It's not over yet by a long way, but this is definitely a really positive move forward. I will relax a bit next week after the court date for parental rights for OC has passed, and WH is a bit more aware that the law doesn't let him do whatever he wants - which is what he currently believes.

He takes entitlement to a whole new level. It is astounding to hear him talk!!


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Mediation is incredibly stressful with a pathological liar. Maybe it is stressful anyway. It is exhausting to have to stop and highlight every untruth and request that the discussion is halted before he can provide evidence. WH thinks he is in a court room, objecting and withdrawing things all over the place.

I can't see how mediation can possibly be helpful in this type of situation where one person has done nothing and the other person has destroyed the marriage and family. It just beats down the BS. The WS doesn't care because they've got nothing to lose and all to gain - and mediation provides them with a chance of convincing the BS to waive their legal rights. I really hate the way everyone seems to assume that there is hurt and pain on both sides of a divorcing couple, and that somehow you are both equally to blame and both equally guilty of letting your emotions run riot. Mediation seems to create a false dichotomy. You can't find a middle ground if one party is right and the other is wrong. Because the middle won't be any more right than the wrong-headed notions the WS use to get to it.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Anyway, I am really really glad I know what the law says about my position and can't be pressured into things I know aren't right. But I'm really sure many other people get totally beaten by this process, by the scare stories of court, and by the fear of ruinous expense.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
Anyway, I am really really glad I know what the law says about my position and can't be pressured into things I know aren't right. But I'm really sure many other people get totally beaten by this process, by the scare stories of court, and by the fear of ruinous expense.

Hang in there, chalk, you will get through this, I'm certain. Your situation has been fraught with more peril than most, certainly more than mine. My own WW hasn't pulled 1/10th of the cr*p that your WH has, and I still get incredible anxiety when I see her at school functions or she sends me email. The amount of strength and resilience you've shown throughout this stressful ordeal is inspiring, and we're all here pulling for you! clap

I totally understand about listening to the wayward lies in mediation (or in court), and it's frustrating that their lies are given equal credence to the truth. grumble


BH (me) 50, WxW 47
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D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
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Originally Posted by abrrba
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
Anyway, I am really really glad I know what the law says about my position and can't be pressured into things I know aren't right. But I'm really sure many other people get totally beaten by this process, by the scare stories of court, and by the fear of ruinous expense.

Hang in there, chalk, you will get through this, I'm certain. Your situation has been fraught with more peril than most, certainly more than mine. My own WW hasn't pulled 1/10th of the cr*p that your WH has, and I still get incredible anxiety when I see her at school functions or she sends me email. The amount of strength and resilience you've shown throughout this stressful ordeal is inspiring, and we're all here pulling for you! clap

I totally understand about listening to the wayward lies in mediation (or in court), and it's frustrating that their lies are given equal credence to the truth. grumble

Thanks a lot Abrrba. I guess it is good to be reminded how stressful direct contact with WSs is because it reinforces my conviction to get him totally out of my life!!

He has asked his lawyer to demand that I am psychologically evaluated for my fitness to look after the children because he says I cannot keep on saying that contact with him is too stressful for me.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I do wonder if my view of how the world works has been totally wrong all these years. It seems as though liars have the world as their oyster, and people who are honest and trustworthy get manipulated, abused and taken advantage of the whole time.

Is the whole concept of integrity and truth just something the liars cooked up to keep us honest people in our place while they do as they please?!

I am feeling really disillusioned with human beings right now. If I have to lie or even tell a half truth, I genuinely feel bad. The feeling makes me want to correct the mistake, so that i can feel calm that everything is right again. I don't like the feeling of not being 100% honest. But maybe I only became like that after 10 years of being with a compulsive liar.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Just back from the second mediation session. Mediation has officially failed. Phew.

The sticking point seems to be that WH will go to extreme lengths to avoid doing anything that he perceives to have been dictated by me. Eg, he will not share his actual income, because that would be giving in to my request for supporting documentation to justify his opposition to maintenance. He will not provide any evidence to back up anything he says ever, because he does not believe that I have the right to enforce that he only says stuff that is true (or that, for the purposes of the mediation discussion, we only deal in verifiable facts not random vague untrue statements). He will not agree to seeing the kids at a specific time, because, even if HE sets the time and place, he perceives that I am preventing his free access to the kids by making him specify a time and place. The result is that he is prepared to never see the children at all, and fight in court about everything, rather than do what he thinks is "submitting" to me.

He also made clear that his reason for taking OC was so that he could use him to manage his relationship with the other kids. He thinks if OC lives with him, then I will have less "power" to prevent him from seeing the other kids (which I am not doing anyway) because I would also be preventing OC from seeing his brothers.

I have always maintained all along that I want WH to see his children (well, i did before he stole one of them....now I am less keen), but i want there to be a specific arrangement, agreed in advance, that is stuck to by both of us. WH has failed to stick to any arrangements ever causing significant stress for me and disruption to mine and the kids' lives.

Really really disgusted with WH right now.

Last edited by chalkncheese; 08/31/17 04:57 AM.

BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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One suggestion for you based on my own experience with a spookily similar person is to go for assets rather than income as a source of maintenance support. For example, can you get 100% of the rental house? If the income from that will yield enough to cover your support, that will give you a cleaner break.

Otherwise you will spend the next 18 years in a court room trying to collect as he is going to jerk your chain at very chance he can. It is almost impossible to imagine the lengths they will go to when angry and the anger gets worse as the years pass and they realise what they lost.


3 adult children
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Originally Posted by living_well
One suggestion for you based on my own experience with a spookily similar person is to go for assets rather than income as a source of maintenance support. For example, can you get 100% of the rental house? If the income from that will yield enough to cover your support, that will give you a cleaner break.

Otherwise you will spend the next 18 years in a court room trying to collect as he is going to jerk your chain at very chance he can.

Thanks Living Well. I do really appreciate your perspective because of the similarities. I can get 100% of the house, but it isn't worth very much in comparison to income from his huge salary. Where i live now, we have the right to request a garnishment order which requires his employer to pay me the court ordered amount directly from payroll if he doesn't pay what he is supposed to within 10 days. Luckily, his employer has an office in my country, so we can serve the papers there and the reciprocal agreement between this country and the US would mean they have to enforce it even though the country he actually lives in does not have a reputation for enforcing laws.

He could get around that garnishment order by leaving his job, and working for another organisation that doesn't have an office here, but with the position he is in now, he would not be able to get another job on anything like the same salary. He would be looking at a 50% pay cut or more - and I can't see him making that decision (not just loss of money, loss of status - and since moving back to his home country he is no longer an expat able to argue for high salaries, he is a local, one among millions of highly qualified people looking for work). There also the issue that his country is rapidly descending into all out civil war, so I don't think it is a fantastic time to be suddenly unemployed and looking for work building the capacity of the health sector.....

Originally Posted by living_well
It is almost impossible to imagine the lengths they will go to when angry and the anger gets worse as the years pass and they realise what they lost.

Yup. I am surprised every day and what this anger does. I had a call from the police last night. He tried to open a case against me for child abduction. I don't think he was successful because I explained to the police that the child in question had been brought into our marital home 3 years ago through a legally formalised agreement, and that the issue was current under consideration by the high court. But I am a bit anxious that they will call me to come to the police station this morning.

However, thanks to the past 6 months' experience, I am not afraid of these things any more. The police can get involved if they want. But I know the law is on my side - and the processes are already in place to sort it out.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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WH flew out of the country on Saturday night without telling anyone. I got a email notification from the airline database that he had changed his flight ticket (he never did work out that the airline database had my contacts).

In the week that he was here, he made no effort to contact the kids at all - no skype, no calls, no visits. He shouted and screamed at the mediator that I was preventing him from having access to the children, but then refused all offers of arrangements for him to meet them. Bizarre.

He called the kids' school to ask for an urgent meeting on Friday, the day before he left. The principal called me and we all attended the meeting together. I thought he was going to demand that all the children leave the school, but instead he just repeated his request that the two eldest move up a grade - which the principal politely declined. He also wanted to make clear that he has no intention of paying any fees. However, since it was me that signed the contract with the school, that really isn't any of their concern as long as I pay the bills when they are due.

I suspect he thinks by leaving the country he is escaping the court date and financial obligations that will result from a judgement against him. My lawyer cautioned that he might just run away and never contact the kids again. So we will wait and see what happens.

His lawyers are supposed to respond to our urgent application for parental rights for OC tomorrow, and be in court on Sept 12th. We will see whether he has given them instructions to proceed soon....

Last edited by chalkncheese; 09/04/17 01:42 AM.

BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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WH asked again for me to write the letter sponsoring his spouse visa and give him copies of the kids' birth certificates. I said "where is the maintenance money? where is our health insurance?"


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 139
IF he does just "run away" never to see the children again, would it be favourable for you to go back home to the UK where you have a support system?

He is burning all of his bridges.

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