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Hi, I do not remember if I have posted here before, but my username exists, so I might have wink

I am a single mother with a 15-year-old son. My BF of 5 years and I just split up this weekend. I have not been happy and was dreaming of ending this relationship for the past couple of years. It finally happened, yet I feel so lonely and scared. I miss him.

Shortly after we began dating, he moved in. He has his own house, however never really lived there. When his mother was still alive, every time we had a fight, he packed up and moved back to his mother's. Ever since she passed away, I noticed that each time we fight, he says he will leave but he never did, since it will require him some work to make his own house livable.

The reasons I have grown to resent him and begun to feel I do not have any more love left for him include his nasty mean attitude towards my son and his negative personality in general towards every aspect of life. He is not a giver, he is a taker. He loves people who offer free drinks and food, but he rarely offers the same to others. Likewise, he has lived in my house for 5 years but never once paid any rent, utility costs, food costs. He only pays when we go out to eat, which he thinks sufficient to offset these costs. But we only go out 1-2 times a week at reasonably priced places ($6-12 per person), and I am certain these costs do not cover what he would have needed to pay.

Still, when he was more upbeat and helpful (e.g., helping out with the yard work), I bit my lips and tried to reason that it is ok. However he constantly nags, yells at, calls names, and ridicules my son over every single thing. Shoes by the door (which he does himself), messy sink (which he does too and he never once cleaned his sink that only he uses during this 5 year period), 3 pieces of rigatoni (! he says it should be only 1 piece of past on the folk..., that is beyond ridiculous), etc., etc. At the beginning, he yelled at my son even for singing in his shower, which is far away from our bedroom and bathroom. When we met, my son was only 10 and still sometimes wanted to hold my hands when we went out. My BF did not allow that.

My son has a very friendly, sociable and sweet nature, so despite all of these treatments, he used to ask my BF to play basketball with or ping pong together or cards. My BF never took up on my son's requests.

So now my son is a teenager, naturally and understandably, without any solid bond or positive foundation, yet my BF continues to call him names on small things, he began to resent and absolutely HATES my BF now. I have had numerous talks with him. He always said he acts this way because my son does not behave or obey. Still he was more careful when I was around, but I started to receive many texts from my son when I am not home and when my son is home alone with my BF. Apparently he curses and calls him names for just having a bag of chips in the den. Yes, I told my son not to eat there next to computers but it is after all my house and my BF was not paying a penny towards it. He never cleans the house either, so what does he care?

My son has told me that if I ever marry him, he would go live with his dad and would never see me again. My son can be annoying at times, yes, I see that, but that's true with any kids. Teenagers are horrible. Still, there is absolutely no reason my BF needed to yell at him every second. But my son begged me to not say anything to BF because he was afraid that BF will hurt him for reporting to me. One day my son cut the grass (which by the way my BF was supposed to do, but whatever errands I ask him to do, such as cleaning up, mowing the lawn, taking care of the weed, or doing dishes while I am at work and he is home, he made my son do them instead), and lost a piece of screw that was holding the lawnmower's handle together. This was the second time. But again, this is my lawnmower, BF did not pay for it. Soon as he came home and realized that the screw was missing again, he yelled at my son and said "you are dumb as a rock!".

I finally told him to pack up and leave. That was 2 months ago. Since he didn't want to leave I am sure largely because it is convenient for him - cooking, cleaning and laundry get done by me, and it is closer to his work too. He claimed that the reason he didn't move out was because he loved me.

I became so bitter and resentful, finally we broker up this weekend. He was so upset that he took stuff he bought for my birthday and even some small things he bought for my dog. He does not even have a dog, so there is no use - clearly he just wanted to punish me for breaking up.

I was very upset too, but that in a way helped me in the split up. Perhaps because I told him that he just killed whatever that was left and made this process easier, which might have made him think there is still chance that I change my mind... he texted and called a couple of times to apologize for his behavior.

He came by yesterday to pick up items he forgot. He said he loves me and was very close to buying me a ring last Christmas. We did go see a ring together around Christmas time, but he has told me that he would need to get a raise before he could afford it. So not sure if his statement was entirely true.

He asked how "we" can fix the problem. When I told him that I would never again want to live with anyone without being married, but my son opposes strongly against our marriage and if we ever gets married, I will never see my boy again.... his face dropped and said "so it really is over and there is no option then for us to work it out".

He later on sent me a long text thanking me for everything I did and being always there for him when he went through rough times of having some legal issues, losing his mother, sister-in-law, and changing jobs. He apparently talked to his friend (older lady who is his neighbor and we used to hang out often and I have told her about my issues with him and how he treated my son), and she has told him that the problem with my son has not just started recently, but it has been going on for a quite some time. He said he had realized that we do not have an option of working it out. Said it has been a very hard day for him, but he was glad we could talk yesterday morning. He will always have fond memories of us. He did truly love me. Those are what he said. Which of course makes things harder for me. When I believed he was a jerk, it was easier to make up my mind.

I know breaking up with him and protecting my son is the right decision. But I miss him too. Only if he can be nice to my son, then things will be fine, but knowing that it never happened for the past 5 years, I know I am kidding myself. I think I am trying to cling onto this unhealthy relationship out of fear. Just having one child (my BF has never been married and he does not have any kids) is this difficult - I can't imagine in the future if I date someone with kids how much more difficult it will be.

I know I sound pathetic, because anyone who reads my post will say "this is not the right person". But I do not know how to deal with my fear. My son is I am sure relieved that BF is gone, yet he did look a bit surprised when he actually saw BF leaving. When I asked if he was happy that BF is gone, he said kind of, but did not look all that excited either. Also when BF was not mean, my son was still ok with him, and as recent as June, he was asking when we could go on boating (BF owns boats), so I cannot help but to think this endless "only if he learns to be nice towards my son...", even though I know it's not realistic. I am a mess. Please help.

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This is not a healthy relationship at all.

Dr Harley says that dating is an interview for marriage. Let's take a look at your BF's resume here:

-has a 'nasty mean attitude' toward your son frown
-has a 'negative personality in general towards every aspect of life'
-is a taker
-is happy to freeload off you, living in your house without paying any bills
-constantly 'nags, yells at, calls names, and ridicules' your son frown
-would 'not allow' your 10 year old son to hold your hand frown
-would not take the olive branch your son extended to him and spend time with him
-your son (UNDERSTANDABLY) dislikes and disapproves of him (because he is being abused by your BF)
-curses and calls your son names when you are not home to monitor
-told your son he is 'dumb as a rock'
-took things just to hurt you when you (rightfully) broke up with him

Now, what about this resume makes you think he is the man for the job???

You did the right thing kicking him out. I recommend you end all contact with your BF for good. Do not see or speak to him for any reason. It will be hard for the first week or two, but then you will feel so much better and probably wonder why you were with such a man in the first place.

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Originally Posted By: Candy_Crusher
My son can be annoying at times, yes, I see that, but that's true with any kids. Teenagers are horrible.


No, teenagers are NOT horrible. I have two. Yes they get a little sassy at times and we work through it, but they are sweet loving kids. I would not allow a free loading boyfriend abuse them in front of me for a million dollars.

You have a choice to stop this right now.

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Thanks unwritten. Your bullet points are so loud and clear as to how BF is not a good fit as a husband and step-father.

I need to stay strong for this initial few weeks. My pattern in the past was that I always ended up missing him (or missing having someone next to me) despite all of these red flags and the history, and when he contacted me, apologized, or said that he wanted to 'fix' the problems, I gave in and went back with him.

I am terrified of further destroying my son's emotional health as well as self-esteem. I know I need to keep this guy away from my son. I am also terrified that in the future my son will not come visit me if I stay with BF. Yet equally I am terrified of my son leaving off to college in only 3 years, leaving me home all alone without BF.

I will not pretend that I have the biggest problem - I have gone through the heartbreaking divorce when my son was only 2, and I survived. I did have some other relationships afterwards, one long and good one in particular, yet I needed to end that one also after 5 years because I did not think we were going anywhere. That xBF was a great person, very loving towards my son, but he got cold feet when we talked about marriage and I did not want to just keep dating without the mutually agreed goal and needed to end it. That was hard too, because he was a nice guy and my son loved him.

Then this BF - already by the first 3 months he began talking about marriage, which made me feel better. Yet he never opened up towards my son and my son never developed love or respect towards him as a result.

Why is it so hard to find a right person who is also on the same page as I am? This thought discourages me so much. But I know that just because BF talked about marriage all the time (but when I think about it, he had 5 years and did not actually propose so he might have just said whatever he thought I wanted to hear to keep me around), that does not make the relationship right for me. Given that my son will only have a few years left before college, my head tells me not even bother dating anyone for a while, but I know that my heart will miss having companionship so much and I may not be able to bear the loneliness of being alone.

My head is also telling me that IF there is any chance left at all for us, BF needs to open up towards my son and learns to love and respect him as someone who is the most important figure in my life. IF that is even possible, the only way that may happen is for me to stay strong, since if I keep running back to him or allowing him to return JUST BECAUSE I cannot bear this heartache after the breakup, it comes too easy and he will NOT make any serious efforts to truly improve the situation. If I stay strong, I have two options - moving forward and having a better relationship in the future with someone else, or BF making drastic changes and earning back my and my son's trust. If we keep getting back together easily without going through the hard time, I cannot obtain neither option. I know that in my head. I just need to stay strong to be able to execute the plan.

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Have you read Dr. Harley's Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders? Start with this Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Brain, thanks for the suggestion. I just read the definitions. It's sad to see that my BF of 5 years may not have even be a renter!

He wanted to make me feel good by complimenting or being romantic, but that was all words and there were no actions in large part. He never really did anything that required efforts, such as fixing his annoying habits (I always asked him to shower every day which he refuses, controlling his angers, being nice to his own family members, trying to not be so negative all the time, etc.), paying rent or sharing some of my bills, spending fun time with my son to build bond, sharing some of my house choirs, etc. He constantly talked about marriage yet he never took any actions. He said he would help me paint my house 5 years ago and he never did. He said he would fix this and that.., and surprise, surprise, he only did some of them when we began dating but stopped doing so after 2 years or so.

The saddest thing is that I allowed him to remain a freeloader, because I avoided confrontation. I am not good at sharing my frustration and hate talking about money issues so I just kept quiet. Also I am not good at remaining firm - if/when he showed some remorse (but just with words and not without actions), I felt bad and sorry for him and took him back.

I do realize that I can only control myself, and these are the traits that contributed to the situation. Had I been much more firm and consistent, either I broke up with him much sooner, minimizing the damage, or he would have moved up to at least a renter long time ago.

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Have you read all of the articles in here? Preparing for Marriage


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Good morning and thanks for the link Brain. I feel heavy in my stomach reading all of his articles. Certainly many key points he talks about apply to our situation. I think my situation might have been a combination of two main bad attributes of living together before marriage.

One, clearly my BF lost his incentive to propose because all his needs were met without the marriage (home cooking, companionship, sex, laundry and cleaning get done by me yet he did not have to support me financially since we are not married). He was free to leave any time, this is why especially at the beginning whenever he gets angry, he just packed and left. There was no hard commitment to make it work.

Two, this may sound contradicting to the above, but he must have felt that I would never leave him even though we were not married. This may be because we have been together for so long, and despite his attitude towards my son and all other negative traits, I had repeatedly allowed him back (because I was operating more like we were married and I wanted to find solution to make it work).

So he was already married, so to speak, without any hard work or commitment, it is no wonder he never tried to change his behavior. If he had to financially support me, for example, he might have had more incentive to help out on the house chores and keeping up on the yard work because that is also a part of his assets. If we were married, he could not just pack and leave so he would have thought twice before packing up and leave without putting in serious efforts to work out the issues.

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One thing I advise my kids about how to find a mate, is to find someone who is willing to take action. There are a lot of people out there who have great intentions but have not yet discovered Dr Harley's principles, and therefore they do a lot of things wrong. Everyone came here initially because they were doing things wrong! The ones who are in happy recovered marriages now are there because they were willing to take action. However, we have posters here often who are dealing with a lazy spouse who is not willing to take action or make the necessary changes to have a great relationship. Those are the relationships that FAIL.

From the way you describe your bf, he most definitely sounds like the latter frown

Are you planning to be done with him for good? Do you have any continued contact with him? If so I would highly recommend ending ALL contact with him.

I would stick around here and learn about how good relationships work, and the ways that you may be contributing to finding poor partners and creating poor relationships. This will help you as you move forward in the dating field.

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Originally Posted By: unwritten


Are you planning to be done with him for good? Do you have any continued contact with him? If so I would highly recommend ending ALL contact with him.



I have been trying to validate my decision by going over my list in my head every day. I guess you can say that while my head tells me to accept the reality, cut the loss, and move forward, my heart is still clinging to this unrealistic idea of BF turning around saying that he would like to make it work and is up for hard work.

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Oh, and we did exchange text once on Tuesday when I got the medical result that he was asking about. He asked about some shoes he thinks he might have left at my house. I said I would look. I did find the pair but have not texted back and he has not attempted to contact me either.

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Not that I think it should matter after the way he has treated your son, but what you are saying is that he has made pretty much zero effort to win you back...

What about this situation makes you think that he will ever turn around? He did not try to change things for 5 years, and he is not trying to change things now even though you have already kicked him out.

I guess the real question here is, why do you not feel you deserve more than a lazy freeloader?

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Originally Posted By: unwritten
I guess the real question here is, why do you not feel you deserve more than a lazy freeloader?


I don't know unwritten. I would have asked the same if this was my friend. I am not good at dealing with fear of unknown. I am also terrible at dealing with loneliness. One thing I know for sure is that if we are just going back to the way we were, I would not be happy. My son will not be happy.

The scenario I have in my head that I wish would happen is that he will reach out to my son, apologize how he has treated my son in the past, make an honest attempt to build a loving bond, and try to earn my trust back. Without living in my house. But it's most likely very wishful thinking on my part.

Actually, after two years into our dating, he was exchanging inappropriate texts with a young co-worker (she was drunk and sent him sex tests and he responded - he basically went with them). I kicked him out, and the similar thing happened back then as well. He apologized the very next morning, sent me long texts, said he would not expect that I would forgive him and he wished me the best...

I do not remember exactly how this happened, but we began communicating through texts after a while and he asked me to give him a list of "to do" to prove he can be trustworthy. At that time one of the conditions I gave him was to not come by when my son is with me. He accepted that. We dated like that for 6 months or so. He stayed at my place only those weekends I did not have my son. My son was hoping I would get back with my old boyfriend who really loved my son, so was disappointed when my BF returned after 6 months. Even though my son did not explicitly expressed this, through his attitude it was clear he did not like BF. That is when I told BF about his mean attitude towards my son for the first time. BF said it's because he was gone for so long that my son 'got used to' getting his way and thus he is not happy that someone who will not let him do whatever he wants is now back home again.

The reason I broke up with him at that time was different, and thus what I requested him for improvement was different. But if he was trying to earn me back, should he have also tried to earn my son's love and respect? Not sure I am being too demanding.

Probably it really does not matter. Realistically, do I think he would say he would try to improve the situation to make things work? Yes. Would he actually make some efforts? Some, yes. Can he really learn to control his temper? No. Will he ever love my son? Sadly, probably not. Would he accept to live separately while we try to work through the issues? Initially, yes. Do I think after a while though he will feel like he is the victim and feel unhappy because he cannot live with me? Yes.

The only solution to that is marriage, however my son will not approve it, unless something changes drastically. Do I think BF is capable of making such drastic positive changes without living together just so that we can get married? Ah, realistically, NO.

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Candy,

I also have a 15 year old son and divorced when he was 2. I dated several men who, looking back, all have warts. Two were hypercritical of my son, one was a colossal user. Notably, the colossal user's best friend and best friend's wife, with whom I have remained friends, both told me they couldn't believe that colossal user landed someone like me because they knew him well and saw him for the loser he is. Yet, at the time of the various break ups with each of these guys, I thought my world was ending. I found a wonderful resource that really set me straight. I hope what I am about to post does not violate MB's guidelines....Google baggage reclaim. It is a VERY sound, VERY blunt, VERY in your face blog about dealing with guys like this. Her street-smart advice is very much in line with the veteran posters here on MB and Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders (she calls the latter two "Mr. Unavailables") . After some very challenging "self work", I met my husband. He is everything I could ever dream of, but not someone I would have even given the time of day to before doing the "self work". I can now look back and see that I was unconsciously attracted to Mr Unavailables who were not good for me - or my son. My husband and my son have a phenomenal relationship and I have the same with his children and grandchildren. He is a great partner who carries his share of the relationship.

Don't "settle" simply because you're afraid of being alone - there are a lot worse things and your XBF is one of those worse things. You and your son are worthy of a man who will treat you both as the most important things in his life by demonstrating so in how he speaks to each of you and his commitment to his relationship with each of you - both in word and deed.

By the way, you stated that XBF was talking about marriage within three months of starting dating. One thing I learned from my various experiences and spending time at baggage reclaim is that a guy who fast-forwards a relationship in such a short time does so for a reason - he knows (either consciously or subconsciously) that if you get to know the "real" him before you are completely enmeshed and "in love" with him, you will break up with him. What do you know about your XBF's previous relationships? My bet would be he talks negatively about most, if not all, of the women he's been in a relationship with or has never been in a long-term relationship. The reason being, the "real" him drove them away. This guy is defective. He's not going to change. At best, he might hide his "real" self until you're enmeshed again. You deserve better. Your son deserves better. AND, most importantly, is being in a relationship with him just to soothe your fear of being alone REALLY worth losing your son over? I can tell you that, for me, the answer to that question is VERY easy - NO, it is NOT worth it!

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Candy Crush, I was 15 years old when I moved in with my father and his wife and their 2 babies. My stepmother was verbally and emotionally abusive to me while he was working nights. If I chattered, she would pounce on some remark and declare me an "idiot". She would go on at length disparaging my character, my relationships with my mother and sister, and I would sit silently watching her. Next, because I was sitting silent, I was "sulking". That was good for another 5 minutes of abuse. I got up early to take care of the crying babies,change their diapers, give them bottles. It was never good enough.
This situation lasted for 5 months. My father never stood up for me and I never told him about the long tirades. He saw some of it when he was in the house, but other than huffing his breath outward and rolling his eyes, let it go on. I thought it was something I had to put up with. Every Monday I dreamed about how to kill myself quickly and painlessly in the bathtub to escape. That was because on Fridays I might be able to leave the house for a visit with my family.
You have let BF abuse your son for years. WTF!


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Brits, thanks for sharing your story that I can so relate to. My BFs sister (who is very nice and normal... the rest of his siblings are just as broken as he is) and her husband repeatedly asked me to marry BF since they like how BF has changed (for better) since we began dating. They told me that they had never seen BF being happy and positive (again, for me, he was still never positive, so I cannot imagine how negative he was prior!), and it's all because of me. She even told me to NOT let BF run over and control me.

BF was already very irritated by my then-10-year-old son after we began dating to the point he was going to end our relationship. He then asked for advice from his mentor who is a much older, experienced, wise, and generous person. The mentor told BF "if she is THAT nice as you describe, then man up and make it work!".

So initially BF was apparently suppressing his anger, I suppose.... to me and my son, however, there was plenty anger outburst in the household. What I hated the most is how he ridiculed my son constantly and made hurtful comments almost intentionally. Perhaps to gain some control over him..., and ultimately over me as well.

I read Baggage Reclaim. So powerful. Is sounds as if she is talking about my BF. He IS a control freak. He needs to control my son over every single move. He was controlling me too in a different way. While he was not contributing financially, he made me purchase dishwasher and TV HE wanted. When I said I liked other models, he got mad and walked away. So I ended up purchasing the most expensive dishwasher he liked. Even though he does not do dishes. He tried to control how I raise my son. He always said I was too soft and spoiling my son. When his friends warned him to stop being so negative and mean towards my son, he just brushed off such comments and said my son is the cause of all the problems and IF my son behaves, then BF would be nice. One of his friends even challenged him saying that I would leave him if he continues with this attitude, and he better stop mistreating my son. None worked. He always did what he wanted. The only time he somewhat became careful is when that person in the matter is financially or physically helping / benefiting BF and thus BF could not risk losing such free-bees by pissing them off. Sadly, I guess I fall into that category as well. Because I was providing the house and married lifestyle without any commitment and price, he did not want to piss me off too much. Even with that intention, BF never tried to warm up toward my son. He claimed he is looking after my sons best interest by not letting him get away with everything. But no, there was no love. His actions were not out of love. He did not care about my son. He simply could not control his angery outburst. And he just wanted to control my son.

All these stats, observations, others experiences as well as my own experiences say that I did the right thing. It is my weakness that I need to deal with. And I need to stop escaping into a fantasy that HE will change magically.


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Originally Posted By: Brits_Brat

What do you know about your XBF's previous relationships? My bet would be he talks negatively about most, if not all, of the women he's been in a relationship with or has never been in a long-term relationship. The reason being, the "real" him drove them away.


Brits, you are spot on. BF never had any long-term relationships. 5 years with me is the record, he says. I had told him that is because "I had put up with him", and he did not deny that.

He was once engaged, but his xfiancee was deciding on wedding details which apparently he did not like, and he called off the engagement right before the wedding.

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Originally Posted By: Bellevue


I got up early to take care of the crying babies,change their diapers, give them bottles. It was never good enough.

.....

Every Monday I dreamed about how to kill myself quickly and painlessly in the bathtub to escape. That was because on Fridays I might be able to leave the house for a visit with my family.
You have let BF abuse your son for years. WTF!



Bellevue, this made me cry. I am so sorry to hear this and my heart aches as if this is coming from my son. And thank you for making me face the ugly reality that I, who loves my son more than anyone and should protect him at all cost, failed to do so, JUST BECAUSE I was not brave enough to face the reality and kept procrastinating to make that decision. I pretended to believe that maybe BF and son will become friends over time, because that is what I wanted to believe..., then I did not have to make the hard decision.

Can I ask what happened to you after 5 months? Did your stepmother move out or did you move out? Do you still talk to your father?

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What matters now is you can see clearly where your energy and priorities belong. Your son matters above your own loneliness and wanting to have a partner. In three years things will be different, once he is away at college. You've already started on the right path.

After 5 months, I moved back into my mother's house. My sister was guilted into visiting my father on a Saturday. I phoned the house to talk to my sis, and she was evasive on the phone with me. Stepmother became furious believing that I and my friends were plotting against her and badmouthing her. She flew into a rage, physically attacked sis, kicking her on the floor, pulling her up by the hair, digging into her breasts, throat, buttocks with her long nails, cursing her. Sis escaped through the door and ran barefoot down the street, hid behind a box hedge until she could knock on a strangers door asking to use the phone.
She phoned me to come rescue her. Boyfriend and I drove to stranger's house, she scrambled out low to the ground, hopped into the car. Dad didn't know I had a boyfriend or that he had a car. My father was driving around searching for sis. She was afraid he would drag her back to the house and join in the abuse. We knew he never stood up for us or protected us; it was always all for his wife.

We went to court to testify to have my father's parental rights terminated. We didn't speak to him for decades after that. He never saw our children. Our relationship never repaired. He is dead.

Stepmother's parents were both in the house watching the beatdown. Her dad tsk tsk'ed. Her mom repeated "Now, Joan. Now Joan." Neither lifted a finger.
You have a second chance with your son. Make the best of it. G-d bless.


Belle, Domestic Goddess
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
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Belle, thank you for sharing your painful past. I am sorry if I opened up your wound by asking to share your story. It hurts so much to just picture two young girls needing to escape from their own father's house for safety. I am speechless, sad, and also very angry at myself how I might have also caused so much pain, anger, and hopelessness in my young son's life. Your story slapped me in the face and woke me up.

I always considered myself a very loving and protective mother, as being perceived as such by others. But the truth is, I am weak. Perhaps all parents who have acted similar to I have been are weak. I want to believe no parents in the right mind would intentionally hurt their own children, however when you do not know how to deal with fear, you pretend that everything is fine because you cannot move. You hope that things get better. You see some occasional normality or peace, and convince yourself things are fine. Not a good excuse at all, but that is it.

I have blamed my xBF for not making efforts to improve his relationship with my son and also to try to be a better person by controlling his anger and developing some empathy. But I realized that I have not made efforts to be stronger to stand up for my son and myself either. I CHOSE to ignore some of the screaming red flags early on, because I was desperately needing a relationship that leads to a permanent commitment after all the heartaches I had gone through, and xBF's constant talk about marriage completely immobilized me.

I do not understand where my insecurity largely comes from. Why am I so afraid? I moved to this country to be with my xH, who ended up betraying me several times and eventually left me and our son. That was the hardest thing I ever dealt with. I wanted to end my life but needed to be strong for my then-2-year-old. I do not have any family in this country. Just going to a store to pick up some milk was a huge task since I had to do everything all by myself with a toddler. I remember the first Fourth of July after my xH left - we were going to see fireworks with several family friends. All the kids fell asleep and their dads carried them to their cars. My boy did not have a big daddy who could carry him. I felt so sad for him. I carried the heavy dead weight all the way to the parking, vowing that I would be his dad too. And that's what I ended up doing. My xH pays child support but that is about it. I never asked for anything else. Childcare cost, every day pickups and dropoffs, medical insurance, signing him up for extra curricular activities, paying for those classes, taking him to places... I did all that alone. That was my pride and also I did not want to feel like my xH had power over me, and I did not want to be financially and physically dependent on him.

I thought surviving all that made me stronger. I think I am, but still each ending of relationships hurts so much. I still panic.
I still cling. Maybe because I feel like each time I am being sentenced that I would not be happy ever again. Probably not so much that I am moaning the loss of the partner himself, but the loss of my dream. And the dream is fabricated, since my xBF could not have made my dream come true even if he stayed.

Yes, my son gave me a second chance. I have to stay strong not to mess this up. I need to focus what is really important in my life, and not get fogged by the rosy fake image I had in my head.


Last edited by Candy_Crusher; 09/10/17 08:25 AM.
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