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You're free of BF and need to stay that way. He abused both you and your son. Abusers don't change. They try to convince you that what they do is your fault. They promise to be better and never repeat their past actions. They offer to go to counseling with you. That's only to get their foot back into the door. What you went through got you a diploma in Saying No.
Even if he never laid a hand on either of you, he abused you. You are so lucky he left.
Telling you what happened when I was 15 wasn't painful. It was long ago. Don't apologize for it. Coincidence: Your son is 15.


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I think you need to ask yourself what you are afraid of. If the answer is being alone, short from a *body* around you have been 'alone.' You're BF admittedly did not pay bills or help around the house or help with your son. He actually added MORE work and drama and stress due to his negative behavior and conflict. Your life should be easier and less stressful now, not the other way around.

I would encourage you to stick around here, read everything you can about DR Harley's principles and learn how to set your bar HIGH. Do not date again until you can do this. You seem to be in the habit of accepting crumbs from a man, you are just going to end up in another bad relationship if you continue that.

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Originally Posted By: Bellevue
Coincidence: Your son is 15.


Yes, it is. I feel that your experience at 15 returned to help my 15-year-old. Thanks Belle.

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Originally Posted By: unwritten
He actually added MORE work and drama and stress due to his negative behavior and conflict. Your life should be easier and less stressful now, not the other way around.


Definitely. More work, drama, and stress - too high a price to pay for just having a warm body next to me.

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I am going to post a list of 'red flags' I discovered shortly after I started dating BF, which I ultimately ignored, which put me in current situation. This is going to remind me how naive (or rather stupid) and arrogant I was, as I thought that I was special enough that the normal rule did not apply to me and I could have magically escaped what normally would happen to other people as a result of dating someone with this many red flags. Sadly, I could not use the term "I was young or inexperienced" either. Geez. Hopefully, this list also helps others, if they are looking for validation to move away from toxic relationships.

(1). We met online, and were texting and calling each other for about a month before we finally met in person. In one of the early 'calls', perhaps this was only the second or third time we spoke on the phone - I was out at the restaurant with my son when he called. We talked for a while, then I realized that my battery was getting very low, so I warned him that I may lose him shortly, and if so, to have a good night. He said that is not a problem. So we continued to talk for a few more minutes, and then the battery was out. Since I already warned him what was happening, and also I told him that we were at the restaurant, I just assumed we would talk again the following day (it was already late in the evening). Next day when I called, he was angry. He interrogated me by saying "how come you never called me back last night? I was waiting to hear from you again!". Even though I did not feel I did anything wrong, I apologized.

(2). On our second or third date at a restaurant, I noticed he has a scar on his hand. I asked him about it, and he hesitated to answer by saying "well, we don't know each other well enough yet for me to tell you". In the end he confessed: when he was younger, he was travelling with his buddies by car. They were all drunk. Because they were drunk, the window was open but it was at night and cold. So BF asked the driver to close the window but the driver didn't (since he was so drunk and sick). BF then hit the driver with his fist shouting "CLOSE THE WINDOW DAMMIT!!" from behind. It was so hard that he broke his hand and had to have surgery. The scar was from the operation.

(3). We were at BF's mother's house. She claimed her AC was not working properly and wanted BF to take a look at it. BF asked what was wrong, and while his elderly mother was trying to explain, BF got really short and yelled at her "THAT DOES NOT TELL ME ANYTHING, I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG MOM!". And he stormed out the room. I did not like what I saw, and said that I felt bad for his mother after we left the house. I said she still cooks for BF and cleans his clothes for free (sounds familiar - yes, just like I was doing for him after he moved in with me), and she is old, your yelling at her scared me, and I did not like what I saw. He apologized to me, and said I had a good point, and he would call up his mother to apologize. I said OK. A few weeks later, I had asked him about the incident, and found out that BF never apologized to his mother.

(4). He was remodeling his house and doing most work himself. He has this agreement with his younger brother that if brother helps him, he will let the brother park one of bro's boats (BF's house is on the water). It is a huge project, since they knocked down the house and basically rebuilt the whole thing. It has been 7 or 8 years, and the house is still not complete. Clearly both brothers are losing drive to finish this off. That is true for BF himself. After all, it is his house. Yet each time he sees his brother on weekends when he was off, he would yell at his brother "you are off today, why aren't you working at my house!" It is ok for BF to be having a date with me, but his brother was supposed to work (on his days off) on BF's house. By the way, the brother still to this date has not parked his boat at BF's house YET.

(5). He always condemns people who text and drive. Clearly that is dangerous, but BF does it himself. When I pointed out, he said "but I still can drive well, they can't".

(6). He was helping his friend's business and getting paid. Specifically, he was helping in the IT area. But because BF has his own day job, the time he could come and help out his friend was limited. Several weeks passed, and the friend obviously needed his system fixed, so ended up hiring someone else to fix the issues. BF was furious (because he lost the opportunity to make extra money). He said "I want to end this friendship, but he actually holds my loan (his friend offers more attractive loan when BF purchased his house, since BF could not afford a loan from his bank), and I need him to keep lending me money, so I will shut up, but once I refinance my loan, I am done with him. It sounded so calculating and cold and selfish. I pointed that out, but BF did not seem to understand.

(7). He always hang out with people who offer free food and drinks. When he borrows a truck to tow his boat, he did not even bother cleaning and filling up the tank before returning it to the owner. Whenever I suggested that he should probably also invite people for dinner in return, he said "that's ok, they have money" or "that's ok, they don't mind", or "they like having me over".

(8). He never had any long-term relationships.

(9). He loves young girls and flirts right in front of me. He even tried to get their attention by lying and making me look bad (he made up a story that made me look bad and made HIM look good in the eye of the young girl).

(10). He just does not have any empathy. No ability to feel bad for those who are socially or economically weaker.

(11). He makes racial comments and pretends he is joking.

(12). Due to his angry outburst, one of the coworkers sued him. He did not feel remorse but decided that it was HER fault and hated her for putting him through hell.

I can go on.... but the list makes me sick to the stomach. Boy was I stupid or blind or what.

Last edited by Candy_Crusher; 09/11/17 04:48 PM.
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Be so thankful that you finally got out and didn't marry him and didn't have children with him. You are going to keep healing the longer you stay NC with him. Be proud of yourself for doing the right thing by you and your son. hug


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks Brain. Every time I get nervous about raising my son (for dealing with his teenager attitude day in and day out) and every time I hear others commenting that you need to discipline your kids, I tend to second guess my decision to end my relationship with BF, because he was a firm believer of disciplining my son, and he always claimed that I have made my son to behave that way (not listening to me right away or cleaning after himself, etc.), since he always gets what he wants.

I guess I cannot be very confident about my child raising ability. He has always been a very sweet kid, and thus in the past I was fairly confident with my style. But that has changed quite drastically in recent months (naturally so as he is a teenager now, sigh), and I often times do not know what to do. Do I get strict with him like my xBF did? Then why did I kick him out if I am agreeing to his approach? Or should I continue to be soft? Am I making a mistake? These questions circle around my head, and I get very confused.

Last edited by Candy_Crusher; 09/12/17 01:53 PM.
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Dr Harley has some very different ideas about raising teenagers. I am not the best to quote them, but they are more of a hands off approach, as strict discipline almost always leads to conflict with a teen (I can attest to this).

I don't know why your questions about parenting have anything to do with your free loading ex bf though. He really did not have many redeeming qualities as a bf at all, so whether his parenting style was right or not is irrelevant. For the record, what he did was not 'discipline,' it was abuse. I have two teens that I give structure to, and I don't have to resort to name calling or mental abuse to do so. Strict discipline does not equate to abuse...

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Originally Posted By: unwritten
Dr Harley has some very different ideas about raising teenagers. I am not the best to quote them, but they are more of a hands off approach, as strict discipline almost always leads to conflict with a teen (I can attest to this).


This is new to me. I did not know he also provides guidance on child raising. I will read up more on this. Yes, I agree that when the tension is not there, we have less conflict in the household. At the same time, my son does push the envelope to the point where I get upset since I have to repeat myself several times.

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Originally Posted By: unwritten
I don't know why your questions about parenting have anything to do with your free loading ex bf though. He really did not have many redeeming qualities as a bf at all, so whether his parenting style was right or not is irrelevant. For the record, what he did was not 'discipline,' it was abuse. I have two teens that I give structure to, and I don't have to resort to name calling or mental abuse to do so. Strict discipline does not equate to abuse...


Very fair point unwritten. I know why I keep going through this vicious cycle though. It's due to my insecurity. When I feel like I am failing to raise my son to be a person I would want him to be, I remember how strict xBF was and he would never change his positions. He was firm, strict, and yes, verbally abusive, and my son, out of fear, listened to him. Even though I never agreed to xBF's approach, when I see the different outcomes, I sometimes wondered if I should have been less accommodating. Unlike school work or career where you are given grades or reviews (and you can assure you are doing a good job), child raising seems like an endless task without any validation. And even if you use the same approach that worked yesterday, it may not work today. I am very insecure how I am doing in this field. Perhaps because I do not have any family members in this country with whom I can visit and vent, or get occasional help, and also my xH is not very involved in raising our son (he left pretty much all to me and he only plays games with our son on his weekends with SON). I feel very alone facing this huge task. I often get overwhelmed. That is part of my fear of being alone (even though BF did not help in any positive ways).

That said, I agree wholeheartedly that strict discipline does not equate abuse and there is absolutely no need for name calling, ear or nipple pinching, or mental abuse. xBH often joked by saying how excited he was about the upcoming weekend because that's when my son goes off to his dad's. When he is coming home, xBH would say "oh, I was hoping that you would be gone longer". Even though he might have thought he was joking, it really hurt me and I asked him to stop each time.

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Sorry if I missed this, but what happened to your son's father?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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He remarried. He spends every other weekend with our son. He loves our son, that I do not question, but unfortunately he has not really done much heavy lifting. He moved to about an hour away, so he does not pick up our son on weekdays. Thus, whenever he is with our boy, it's always either weekends or holidays, and ultimately he did not give our son any structures because they are always together when there is no school.

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Having a hard time sticking to NC... Grrrr. It's like addiction. I must be crazy!

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Originally Posted By: Candy_Crusher
Having a hard time sticking to NC... Grrrr. It's like addiction. I must be crazy!

You didn't contact him did you?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Nope. But it's been very hard. I'm missing having someone who tells me he loves me and hugs me tight.

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Your bar is set sooo soooo low doh2

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I remember mentioning Dolly Parton's lyrics "I just want to be somebody's everything" to friend who was single at the time. He replied: "I just want to be anybody's something".

What do you want?

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Thanks unwritten and goody2shoes for trying to instill some sense to me. I know I am being quite pathetic. I did manage to keep myself busy last night and dodge my urge to text xBF.

The trigger yesterday was a talk with my GF, who is also a single mother and has also been in the on and off relationship for..., well much longer than I have been. The difference is that she and her BF have issues that are between them (her emotional needs not being met by BF, despite numerous talks and attending counselling sessions for years), and do not involve their kids (they both have kids). Perhaps that's because they do not live together. So kids were never really a big part of their relationship to begin with.

Last fall she told me she is DONE with this man who is emotionally unavailable for good. We both became quite busy since then, and we have not really talked for a meaningful time since then. Yesterday we had some time to catch up and she said she has been back with BF for quite some time. Somehow, that lowered my already almost non-existence bar. It as if gave me an excuse to contact xBF, since apparently others are also doing the same, which almost proves that there are no perfect solutions to the universal relationship issues.

I decided to read up more of MB postings. I actually tried this to certain extent when I was going through divorce, however was not able to save my marriage. I tend to think that a result is the ultimate measurement of success, and even if the process following MB principle helps BS heals, if the marriage or relationship could not be saved, then what's the point. But I realized that last night reading so many posters stories, sometimes, no matter what you do, it is what it is. Just like you still can get sick even if you maintain ideal weight, exercise regularly, never smoke and eat healthy. However following such plans certainly reduces the chance of getting seriously sick in the future. If you are already sick, implementing the health plans may not cure you completely but still can help. So I should not focus solely on whether each posters relationship recovered as a result of following Plan A and B.

What you all have been telling me now is, (1) my xBF and I are not married, so Plan A/B do not necessarily apply since we have an option to walk away, and if xBF does not offer some of the key attributes to successful relationship/marriage, then I should not keep trying to change him but to accept that he is not the right candidate; (2) implementing NC is not to make xBF change, but to help heal myself sooner. The sooner I heal, I can get back on my feet and will not cling onto an unhealthy relationship. And hopefully I will apply the learned lesson to next time and will not fall for someone who is not a good marriage material.

Someone said this in response to other posters, but I am clearly letting my emotions dictate my actions or decision making rather than using my head and following a concrete plan. Even though I clearly see how he is not right for me and my son, my overwhelming emotion of missing to have someone creeps up from time to time to convince me (like yesterday, using my GFs case as an example) that no one is perfect and thus I should listen to my emotions to end the suffering.

I hope I can get there. Trying... each day.


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To prevent you from texting him when you are tempted, why don't you start with deleting his number from your phone?

There's no ice-cream in my fridge for a reason. And I don't have any chocolate in my house.

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By the way, this man used you for cheap residence and free sex and only paid you with empty words ("I love you"), while verbally abusing your son. What exactly do you miss about him?

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