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Joined: Dec 2007
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James it's time to get your BW
to post here for support and for
here to see that recovery done the
right way can be successful.

Joined: Sep 2017
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JamesNY Offline OP
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I don't know where the OW lives or if she lives nearby. Neither my wife or I have run into her anywhere.

When the affair was going on, the OW would email me at work or text me. I had her name stored as something else and we would text in code so if my wife did see it, she would think I was meeting a friend to work out at the gym. That's how the affair was able to go on as long as it did. My wife thought I was at the gym in the evenings, but I was with the OW. I would also see her some weekend mornings, telling my wife I was at the gym or playing tennis. My wife would take the kids on play dates with other moms and when that happened, the OW would come over to our apartment. I saw the OW less when we bought our house, but same excuses.

I don't think my wife is ready to talk about this with anyone, but I will tell her about this forum.

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Do I understand correctly OW came to the house you currently live in?

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JamesNY Offline OP
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She came to our current house a few times when we had just moved in.

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You need to move. The house will always be a trigger and a cruel place for your wife. As an extraordinary precaution you need to move.

Joined: Nov 2010
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Originally Posted By: JamesNY
She came to our current house a few times when we had just moved in.

Does your BW know this?

Have you read the article on Just Compensation?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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JamesNY Offline OP
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My BW does know I've had sex in our house with the OW, but she hasn't said anything about wanting to move.

Yes, I did read the article.

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Originally Posted By: JamesNY
My BW does know I've had sex in our house with the OW, but she hasn't said anything about wanting to move.

Yes, I did read the article.

Why don't you offer to move?

What did you understand about Just Compensation?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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JamesNY Offline OP
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My BW loves the house, the street we live on, and the neighborhood in general. If she's happy, I don't want to take it away from her. If she does say she wants to move, I will be fully supportive.

What I understood about just compensation is I need to take steps to show my wife that I'm a safe partner and another affair will not happen. I've done this by giving her the passcode and passwords to my mobile phone, work phone, personal and work email addresses. I'm not on any social media. I don't go to happy hours with coworkers, I don't have female friends or interact with females outside of the office or my wife's relatives.

I have taken a lot of steps over the years to prevent another affair from happening, I just haven't articulated them to my BW because she didn't know about the affair until now. I'm transparent with her and I will do whatever she needs me to do to feel safe and that I'm valuing our marriage.

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You don't understand the impact of triggers yet. Triggers prevent recovery.

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Originally Posted By: JamesNY

I have taken a lot of steps over the years to prevent another affair from happening, I just haven't articulated them to my BW because she didn't know about the affair until now. I'm transparent with her and I will do whatever she needs me to do to feel safe and that I'm valuing our marriage.

For you, the affair was years back. For your wife, it feels like it is happening today, plus she has to deal with several years of dishonesty. You need to understand that.

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