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BrainHurts, I read the definitions of them (not the book). Scary how my xBF was not even a renter. I mean, so many women here are fighting to make their partners to become buyers, while mine was not even a renter.... that's pretty sad.

I am sure xBF did not feel he was being a freeloader. I'm sure I was 'cheap' to not let him stay there for free without complaints. He stayed at his mom's house for free for years, and yet called his younger brother 'pathetic' for staying at their mom's house for free (his younger brother also owns a house but till the day she passed away, he stayed at his mom's place every day, eating the home cooked meal, his clothes being washed and ironed by his mama, while he did not buy any groceries or help pay bills). xBF said his younger brother should at least cut the grass for their mother for staying there for free. Yet when I asked xBF to do this for me, since he stays at my house for free, he thought it was my son's job...

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So now I come to think of it, while xBF felt that my son was 'spoiled', he may have been the most spoiled kid. His mom for the longest time cooked for him, washed his clothes, and ironed them as well. He never once cleaned his room or the house for his mother. He never bought any groceries either. I remember early on, even when he was off and home all day long, and I came back from work, picking up my son, stopping by a store for groceries, and began cooking while still wearing my business suit, he was just sitting there, doing nothing... Did not help, did not help my son with the homework, nothing. Then after dinner, I get up and clean, but he would just sit there drinking. Then he had the nerve to ask me (like a little boy) to wash his clothes and iron them. I even asked him to take his business shirts to dry cleaner, but he did not want to pay for the dry cleaning and asked me to do this (for free, yeah).

I became his mother's replacement.

Last edited by Candy_Crusher; 09/16/17 04:42 PM.
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You don't have to convince us he is a freeloader and not marriage material, we already know wink I am glad to see you coming to your senses though.

Have you blocked all communication with him including social media? Are you checking on him at all?

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Thanks unwritten. No, luckily xBF was never on any of the social media, so that's one thing that made this easier. I won't accidentally see his photos or anything.

Crazy as it sounds, I think I'm convincing myself that xBF was a freeloader. I want to stay mad so that I would not miss having him around. I don't have my son this weekend and it's a bit tough being alone. I just came back from dinner with my friend, which helped take my mind off a bit but still I was missing having xBF's big arms around me. Geez. I need to have my head checked out.

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I spent 3 hours on the phone yesterday placing an pre-order of iPhone, and yet I discovered this morning it was never successfully placed...! Now I am on the phone with the customer service again. It's been over an hour again! Very irritating, but this is keeping me busy......

Went to church this morning. xBF and I used to go there together. I know he would not be there but my eyes were searching for him. I am so weak, and my bar does not even exit.

I have a confession to make. I did delete his number a few days ago. But when I typed up his name, his number still popped up (guess that's an iPhone thing??). ... and I texted him. I know I should not have. But I could not bear the thought he was done with me. And I had to face this hard reality. He did not respond.

OK, you guys will yell at me for failing NC. Sorry, I know you all are trying to help me and yet I broke down. I am disappointed at myself. But I did not want to lie to you about my setback.

I should not want to get back with him. I am beautifying our memories. He was never truly interested in marrying me or supporting me. He wanted me to support him, if anything. He said that once too, that maybe he should stay home and I go to work. He has also said in the past he is not interested in dating a woman with low income, because then he would have to support her financially. All of that point to the true freeloader mentality he has. Yet I was too weak and let my emotions control me, and broke NC.

I will need to stay strong now. Clearly he does not think I am worth the fight or work. He chose the breakup over hard work. Or he really thinks there is no way we can fix this as my son hates xBF so much, and wants to just maintain NC.

Whatever it is, I should not care and maintain NC. I need to stop thinking about him somehow.

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He doesn't want to have to meet any standards or deal with your feelings and figures it will be easy to find another woman to support him who doesn't have a son and won't get frustrated and put him out. He thinks he deserves that for the warm hug thing, and that's been reinforced for him for years.

He failed the marriage interview. You can find a partner who does want to work together towards shared goals with you like financial stability and raising your son in a loving home and taking care of your home together. Don't settle and keep coming back.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
He doesn't want to have to meet any standards or deal with your feelings and figures it will be easy to find another woman to support him who doesn't have a son and won't get frustrated and put him out. He thinks he deserves that for the warm hug thing, and that's been reinforced for him for years.


You are so right NewEveryDay. Even though it hurts so much to admit, that is the truth. I am easily replaceable for him, after our five years of being together.

He did say over the summer when I was acting a bit strange and distant "do I need to start shopping for a new girlfriend?" I know it's a joke, but I always believe there is some truth in every joke. If he did not meant it at all, he would not have said that even as a joke. Same as the joke he said in our early days that he "would marry me now if I buy him a Ferrari". Even though that's a joke, he does like a woman pampering him and he also knows that "I'll marry you" is a powerful weapon to lure women.

Further, previous GF before me was a doctor. Apparently they dated less than a year, yet when she was looking to buy a house for her and her young daughter, xBF who was only with her for about 6 months, demanded that she would buy a house that he likes. Of course he was not going to financially contribute to the purchase. But he thought it was a reasonable request. Understandably, the doctor xGF ignored his request and went ahead and purchased her home that is convenient for her work and good for her daughter. That triggered their split. xBF was mad that she did not accommodate his wish, and broke up. When he told me about it, I thought that was odd and commented that but they were not married and not pooling their financials together, so it was natural for her to consider her and her daughter's wishes... Besides, they were together only for 6 months. Or am I wrong to think that? Because he was also upset that I did not buy a house at a location xBF wanted me to buy, even though I explained that will be too far from my work (and also he was not paying for it, so why do I need to spend $$$ to buy a house he likes at his favorite location while it will take me much longer to work and it will also move my son away from his friends...). Is that an American thing? That even a couple who are not married and not pooling finances together, to buy a house together but a GF pays for it???

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No, that is not an American thing crazy

No level headed self confident woman would give in to such a request. Or spend one more minute of her time thinking about this guy. Time to move on.

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You need to take a serious long term break from dating because you are willing to settle for so little from a man. Please stay single for your own good and that of your dear son.
Also, once you begin dating, moving in together needs to be completely off the table. People who live together before marriage have a less successful chance of a lasting marriage.
On the plus side, you didn't get bullied into buying a house the exBF wanted you to buy.


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Originally Posted By: unwritten
No, that is not an American thing crazy


Thanks unwritten, I thought I am not up to the modern American standard where men do not support women financially and women should not complain about it, while women should be giving to BFs... xBF told me about his buddy who is dating this (again) doctor. She is older than me with no kids, so knows that she will not have any kids. So apparently even though she and her BF (= xBF's friend) are not married, she wrote a will that if she dies the house will go to her BF, even though she bought it alone. I could tell xBF liked the story and wished I would do the same for him - I DID tell him "that is good for your friend, but I have a son, so if I die, all of my assets will go to him as long as I am single".

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Originally Posted By: Bellevue

On the plus side, you didn't get bullied into buying a house the exBF wanted you to buy.


Yes, that was one of my fears which were contributing to my wish to end our relationship.

Last couple of years, we went to look for homes together. I was ALMOST brainwashed and convinced to buy what he liked, but thankfully I woke up and became resentful. Not only financial burden he was willing to put me through, he said he wanted over an acre of land, however he does not even mow my current house's lawn (less than 0.25 acre)! I translated what he was telling me - he wanted me to spend my money to buy a huge house that he likes, even though it will be so far from my work. Which means I will come home much later but still xBF will not be waiting for me with dinner, but I will be still cooking after my work and long commute. Oh, then I need to clean the bigger house too. And the house comes with a huge yard, which xBF will make my son take care of. If my son does not do that, I am certain xBF would have called him "lazy" and made him do this.

Yes, it's scary how brain washed I was, but when I pictured the image, I felt that I needed to break up BEFORE I buy any property. That's why I was thinking of breakup more seriously the past couple of months, which he noticed. I do give him a credit that he tried to be nice during this time, however, that might be due to his wanting to stay at my house because it is easier and not because he wanted to make amend.

If he had a wonderful relationship with my son, I would not have minded that he followed us and continued to live with us at a new place, but unfortunately that was not the case.

So I was searching for a property alone and xBF was quite upset that I was doing so without any consultation. So I did share the information such as I was going to go see a property, I found some good stuff, etc., so that it was not a secret. But unless he offered to pay half, I did not feel that he should have the decision making power, especially at that time I was already leaning towards ending our relationship because each day my son hated him more. In the past when I told him I "would not buy real estate with you unless we are married", he always said "we can do that - we will get married", but clearly that did not happen. Since last summer, as my son began truly hating xBF, I realized that marrying xBF was not realistic, so I gave up on the idea of buying any property with him.

I do not want to make it sound like xBF was a monster. I want to believe he was NOT trying to be a jerk. But as a result of being so cheap, a chronic taker, lazy, immature, short-tempered and commitment phobia, he ended up using many around him including myself. My mistake was that I believed somehow I could have changed him cry Also, since no one ever disliked my son as he has the very likable personality, it took me a while to accept that xBF indeed did not like my son.

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Good morning! This morning I found a dead bird in front of my door frown Looks like he flew right into the window above my door and fell down. I have seen similar incidents elsewhere. Now, I can be superstitious at times... this was NOT a very pleasant incident and I did not take it well. I have a pet cemetery underneath my deck (for our beloved pet rabbit, 3 gold fish, and 5 wild baby rabbits that were born in our yard but abandoned by their mother and died), thought of burying this poor brown bird but I decided to do something different this time. I still wrapped it with a pure white paper towel like I normally do for others, but instead of putting the body in a box and burying it, I decided to throw it away. I felt horrible, but I want to shake off my "too much emotions" somehow. Many guys are capable of not dealing with too much emotion or empathy, which seems to always work in their favor. I do not want to have this much empathy all the time and end up being used by others.

Sorry I wanted to vent..... Something tells me, however, that in the end, when I go home tonight I will bury the little guy... Sigh cry

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OK, not to be even more superstitious.... my phone seems to be dying completely. The death I witnessed this morning was indicating the death of my smart phone. Agh. I need to make sure it is still functional in order to be able to trade it in! I cannot access to any of the internet nor receive any emails or texts, other than iMessages. Does anyone know how to fix this? I'm following the instruction found on a website but nothing seems to be working...

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Candy that Buyers Renters Freeloaders book will be so good for you, like a vaccination to help keep you strong the next time you meet someone who isn't relationship material. Don't waste time feeling ashamed, if this stuff was so obvious we wouldn't have fell for it to begin with. But like the saying goes Forewarned is forearmed!


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Thanks NewEveryDay, I think we must have cross posted. I'm having not only mental and emotional breakdown but apparently technology breakdown as well...

I feel like running out of time somehow, and that is making me very clingy and needy. I do not think my fogged up head is that messed up to actually believe my xBF was great marriage material, however, did believe that by my being nice and giving and supportive, he will turn around and we will be married.

I probably knew deep down that is not true. He has talked about marriage a lot, yes, and we did go see a ring on several occasions. But he is very cheap (he has money though) and probably thought "hmm, do I really want to spend this much??". In fact, he told me that he would need a raise before he could afford the ring, but that is not true at all. His mother passed away and he received a quite large lump sum. I never said anything about it, clearly it is his and none of my business. But he was going to buy a vacation home in FL, and also bought another (his 3rd) car with it. So while he has money, he does not pay for bills at my house, he does not buy a ring for me, but rather spend it for all to his benefit. I did feel bitter about it. But I never said anything about it.

So the bottom line is, again, it confirmed that I am an enabler. I am attracting freeloaders/renters, because I am not strong enough to stand up for myself and for my son. If my standing up means breaking up, so be it, but I never had such courage. Those guys could smell my weakness, and clearly took advantage of me.

Thanks for telling me to not waste time feeling ashamed. I know, that will not benefit me in any way... I won't get my time back. That's gone. Also feeling low will not help me heal either. I will get the book.

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Candy: About the phone: Take it to the store where you bought it and tell them the problem. They will help you. I have AT&T and an iPhone, and made an appointment at my local store. In and out. All was good.


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No, Ex BF wasn't trying to be a jerk; it came naturally to him. Don't make any excuses for him.


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Originally Posted By: Bellevue
Candy: About the phone: Take it to the store where you bought it and tell them the problem. They will help you. I have AT&T and an iPhone, and made an appointment at my local store. In and out. All was good.


Thanks for the tip Belle, my phone at one point completely shut down and I thought I had lost all my data. Finally this evening I was able to make it work. Maybe it was a help I needed for an easier NC think

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Originally Posted By: Bellevue
No, Ex BF wasn't trying to be a jerk; it came naturally to him. Don't make any excuses for him.


You are right, I need to stop making excuses for him. I ended up burying the little guy this evening, and between that and my phone not working for pretty much all day, it turned out to be an easy day where I was not obsessing about our breakup. And it felt GOOD 😊

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Burying the little guy was a kindness. Your big heart deserves a hero in your life. One day ......!


Belle, Domestic Goddess
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