****************<p>[This message has been edited by calla30 (edited June 25, 2001).]

Why don't you tell your husband exactly what you said here. I find nothing wrong with it. They are honest feelings. Maybe it happens to everyone this loss of sexual feeling. But it can be regained. Are you sure your husband wasn't having an affair(?) sorry but there must be some reason: an affair, medical, worries, stress, marriage problems, ???

I agree totally with Rodger. I would print out this letter and give it to your husband. As a BS you are correct the feelings that a man has concerning an affair is the belief that he was not as good as the OM. Your letter would make your husband feel better and it would make him realize the reasons you were engaged in an affair. If you let your husband withdraw from this knowledge then I guarantee you down the line it will manifest itself greatly and will make it difficult to heal the marriage. The images that are going<BR>through the mind of your husband are a whole lot worse then what really happened. Please force him to read this letter and he will feel better about himself and you. Good Luck.

Calla,<P>I agree with the other men posting. Tell him what you have posted here. In fact the suggestion that you print it out and show is excellent. However, perhaps you should write it as a letter to your H instead of a question to the us guys here.<P>Open the letter by telling him why you are writing the letter. Tell him that you have learned that the "pictures" are normal and you are sorry for doing this to him. Tell him your concerns that his imagination and the "pictures" will make him reach conclusions that are not true. The tell him you love him and he needs to know some important things about your affair and that you realize he really doesn't want to talk about it he needs to KNOW.<P>Then tell him what you have told us. Make sure that you solicit questions and comments once he has read it.<P>I think it is a go and will probably help him abit.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Calla,<P>I agree with the others. It would be good if you gave it to him in a letter format.<P>I went through a lot of the same things your husband is going through. It's very difficult to get those images and feelings of inadequacy out of your head. I know it helped me when my wife said that sex-wise I'm a better lover - that her affair was not really about that.<P>-HD

I too agree with the others who have posted. I want to let you know that you are doing one huge thing right: you want to help your H deal with his feelings about this and talk about it. Most former WSs just want to pretend the whole thing never happened, leaving their partner to deal with their feelings alone ( or worse, with someone else more sympathetic ). So you're doing something good in wanting to help him with this.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by calla30:<BR><B><BR>Enter the OM, an attractive co-worker of mine who showered me with compliments...telling me how pretty I was, how beautiful, how sexy...you get the picture. I feel like I'm digressing now, but the point is: the OM became so irresistable to me because he made me feel good about myself, reaffirmed my sense of self, of being attractive. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><BR>That's also the sort of attention that a BS of either sex needs to recover from the trauma of betrayal.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>For reasons I still don't fully understand, H simply became uninterested in sex.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>What does he say about this? Make sure you don't raise the question in such a way that he may feel attacked. Rather make the context be your need for him, and your concern to be what he needs so that this doesn't happen again.<P>I'm not sure whether this discussion should be combined with the one about your experiences with OM or separately. However you approach these topics I recommend that you keep in mind that admiration ranks high among the ENs of most men and that for our partner to choose someone else (even temporarily) over us is perceived as the antithesis of admiration.<P>Sounds like you're on the right track. Good luck!<P>Steve

Thanks to all of you who replied. There seems to be a clear consensus here that telling my H more about my A would be a good idea. I'm going to think about how to do it, a letter or trying to initiate a conversation about it. <P>You guys are great!<BR>Calla

<B>Calla</B>,<P>I'm glad you found the replies helpful. Now that I've read your other thread, I think I'd suggest that this is enough to talk about right now. The part about him not seeming to desire you may be partly from his depression and/or other factors. It needs discussion, but probably not for a while.<P>One other thing to be aware of is that even if he gets through the anger, and understands your reasons (not excuses, you're still responsible) for your A, he won't just "get over it". For many, perhaps most, of us there is a time for mourning. Even if our marriage didn't end, what we thought we had, a faithful and exclusive relationship, died. It takes time to work through both the anger <B>and</B> the grief. Six weeks is not long at all.<P>I think you're making a good start, it just takes time. You probably need 3-6 months of Plan A type behavior to see consistent results. Remember also that the Harleys start by eliminating lovebusters even before addressing ENs, so <B>take the pressure off him</B> to get better quickly and let him know you'll be there for him.<P>I hope the talk goes well, and that you continue to post and persevere. It sounds to me like you have a very hopeful prognosis for a good recovery if you hang in there.<P>Steve

StillHers,<BR>Thanks, you raised some good points. For a WS who is ready to "forge ahead" and has had all this time to digest the reasons for the A, what has to be done to make the marriage better, etc., I guess it's tough to realize that my H and I are not at the same place or stage of readiness.<P>Many of those who replied to this post expressed concern over my H's loss of desire for me, and I have added a new post that sheds some (very sad) light on this subject, if you care to check it out.<P>Thanks again for your kind words.<P>Calla